The Great Bathroom Conspiracy

Alright, I have to know: What the hell is the deal with public bathrooms now? Seriously. I used to just let it go before, back when it was just the hangman's towels, figuring that it was a fluke, but not now. Not the way things are going, not with the compelling evidence that accrues. And what's worse, nobody is saying anything. Everyone is just in there like nothing is wrong, like they don't notice it. But no more. Not me. This is a conspiracy and someone has to point it out.

For starters, I saw it coming, just so you know. Yeah. I did. I remember the first time I seen one of them signs on the towel dispensers, the warnings about hanging yourself in the loop. You know the one's I'm talking about. They came on the rotating towel machines in public bathrooms, usually gas stations or car repair places, but other places too. You know which ones I mean.

Yeah, I remember going into to a bathroom at a restaurant a long time ago and seeing that thing, the sign, the warning sign. It seemed, you know, innocuous enough, but, it stuck in my head too. Stood out as a danger signal even to my little kid mind. I remember standing there looking at it, the machine's bright white paint standing out with the sun glinting off of it coming through the window, a loop of blue towel coming out of its front, hanging down a couple of feet and running back up into the machine from the bottom. The kind you have to pull down just right to get some dry towel to unroll, you know, so you don't have to "dry" your hands on the bacterial nightmare still soaked into the fabric from the last six people who couldn't get the loop to rotate either (and assuming it wasn't run out completely and just hanging straight down onto the floor, sopping up primordial ooze like the wick in some disgusting flameless lamp). So anyway, as I was yanking on it, I seen this little tag on it that said, "Placing your head through the loop and attempting to swing or hang from it can result in injury or death."

One of these.
One of these.

I was like, "Duh." I mean, even as a kid I knew that would have been a retarded thing to do, so, yeah. But it stuck out in my mind. Like, why was that there? Why even mention that? Sure, the easy answer is because some dipstick probably actually did that before, hung himself and all - but I don't think so. Not now, not given the modern trends, not with what is going on today. I think that was put there, that ridiculous warning that nobody needed to read, because of the Great Bathroom Conspiracy that is intent on making us look stupid when we go outside our homes.

I'm not sure what the purpose beyond that is, what they hope to gain. Honestly, it makes no sense. It might be a ploy by aliens or something. I seriously have no idea. But the things I am about to point out to you, the dots I am about to connect, well, it's going to make you sit back in awe. Prepare to be scared.

So here's where the plot comes forward in time. Yes, there's still a few of those old moron-maker looping towel things. But the technology for making us look like idiots has gotten so much stronger now. And it wasn't until the other day that I realized just how meticulous this bathroom cabal has been doing its conspiring restroom-based research.

For starters, look at the NEW towel machines. The laser ones. You know the ones I mean. With the little red light thingy that you have to wave your hands in front of to make the towel come out. Oh yeah. That's the one. My god. Do you have any idea how insidious those are? We wave our hands infront of it like it says for us to do (assuming it says anything all, most of the time the letters are all worn off, even the picture of the hand, so we have to assume it is one of those types of machines - and just how does that happen, by the way? How does lettering get worn off of a thing that's not supposed to ever be touched? Hmmm? I ask you, how?). So there we are, waving our hand at it. "Hi." "Hello?" "Can I get a frickin' towel yet." But no, no towel. So we front our hand over the light, palm forward, moving in and out now, not waving, just sliding back and forth in the air like we're playing some invisible trombone. Still nothing. Finally we give up and actually touch that thing, press our hand against the F-ing light. (Oh, that's where the letters go.) Still no towel. We tap it. Bang on. Stoop down and look up into the crack where the towel should come out. What the hell are we looking for? I mean, are you really going to jam your hand up there if you see something? I'm not. Have you seen the teeth in there? And it's not like I really know what I'm looking for anyway. Seriously, it's not like I'm going to try to fix it if it's broken. Are you? Do you even know how to fix one?

So we keep messing with it. We look around checking the sides, looking for a button. A crank. Something. Then the towel comes out. By itself. It's like, WTF? What did I do? But you're not done. Because even though it finally worked, you only got like, what, four inches of towel? What the hell are you going to do with that? Dry a mouse? So you have to go for the second wave. The second lame dancing with that stupid ass light. And eventually you get the towel so I guess everything's okay, right? I mean, at least it was sanitary and you didn't have to touch anything. Oh wait, yes you did, when you were beating on it the whole damn time. (Thus disproving any arguments the conspiracy tries to make on the grounds that their motives were purely sanitary.)

But that's not the end of the evil plan, nor is it the end of the evidence. That alien technology is everywhere in there. Think about when you were trying to wash your hands in there. Remember that? Remember you curling your hands up under the faucet and waggling them under the spigot, looking like you were wracked by palsy and having some kind of fit, all poking about, hands spastic beneath a dry faucet trying to get the water flowing by the increasingly panicked gesticulation of your hands. The water doesn't come out does it? So you think, "Hmmm, maybe I'm just dumb and missed the fancy handle or button or something up on top." So you look again for something you can turn or lift or press. You press down on the slimy spigot, but that doesn't work. Now what? Nope, that's the soap. Shit. Oh here... Some sinks have that little half-dollar sized silver circle thing that lies flush against the porcelain next to the faucet. You press that too. I mean, you knew it wasn't going to press just because it WAS lying flush against the porcelain. But you pressed it anyway, didn't you? Why? Because the aliens or whoever is winning that's why. Did you know that the conspirators call that thing the "Idiot Confirmation Button?" Do you have any idea how hard they are laughing right now?

How many times have YOU pressed it?
How many times have YOU pressed it?

So you wave your hands under the faucet again, certain it has to be one of those sensor ones since there obviously aren't any handles anywhere. Still nothing. You look around. Good, nobody saw that. You press the top of the faucet again, harder, even giving it a tap with your palm because, you know, it might be stuck. That's when someone else walks up and looks at you like you're a tard. They wave their hands under their sink and the water comes out right away. (Personally, I think this person is an agent of the cabal, but you are free to think whatever you would like.) Seeing this, you wave your hand under your faucet again too, and, yep, the water finally comes pouring out. I'm telling you, there's evil at work here.

And what about the toilets themselves? Hmmm? I mean, I'm a guy so, you know, I don't really sit on public potties all that much. If I can make it home for that kind of thing, I will. But occasionally, sure, and ladies? All the time. And how's that working out for you, girls? Hmm? You walk in, seems harmless enough, lock the door. Pull out the little paper seat cover thing. You lay it out carefully, the middle part sort of falling into the water below. You always hope the water won't soak all the way up it even though it never does. But, there, everything is set. You turn around and, as you prepare to lower youself onto that crackling paper barrier for your bum... FLUSH... there went your ass-gasket right down the drain.

"WTF?" you say, turning in time to see it swirling away. All your preparation and sanitary care, gone. You look around, maybe check to see if you hit some pedal on the floor even though you know you didn't. That's when you spot that dark lens staring back at you from the center of the plumbing pipes, behind it the tiny red eye. "Ugh, one of those."

Check out the red, conspiring eyes - like Cylons in Battlestar Galactica.
Check out the red, conspiring eyes - like Cylons in Battlestar Galactica.

So, this time, being more careful about trying not to move so as to set it off, you reset a new ass-gasket and once more take a seat. With luck, you're fine and everything else goes as you had hoped. Except that, now, when you go to stand up, the auto-flush doesn't work.

No big deal, you get up and get yourself put back together, but, despite moving around for all of that, the secret eye isn't doing its magic flushing thing anymore. Being the polite and more hygienic sex, you aren't willing to leave it like that for the next person to come along, so you lean over and wave your hand. Nothing. You wave a foot. Nothing. (I've even hear tales of people who expect it to flush when they get up, to sit back down and try getting up again. This technique can become more like exercise if you have a particularly stubborn sensor going on.) Finally, unwilling to spend all day on such a thing, courteous though it may be, you say, "Screw it then," and walk out. The toilet flushes as you are walking out the door. It's like it was waiting till you go out. Not far out, just out. So you can hear it. So that the evil mission has been completed and so you feel that you are, somehow, at least possibly a moron.

Now I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking, "Dude, it's not a conspiracy, it's just how those things work," or maybe, "This guy needs some therapy." Well, whatever. That's just what they want you to think. The bathroom people. The ones that set this whole thing up. The hanging loopy towel machines didn't do the trick. Just implying we were stupid with that insulting warning label wasn't good enough thirty years ago. They tried to get us to hang ourselves with subtlety but we didn't fall for it, at least not all the way, so now they've brought the lasers in. I'm not sure how this plot will ultimately manifest, but the plot is underway. Laugh if you want, doubt if you must, but those of you who do will be the first to... to... well, to whatever it is that's coming next. That's all I'm saying. The rest of us must remain vigilant. We must not fall prey to the Great Bathroom Conspiracy. The future of humanity is at stake.

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Comments 60 comments

marisuewrites profile image

marisuewrites 8 years ago from USA

no square to spare?  (Seinfeld)   this is soooo funny.  You are a complete nut.  Technology is a dangerous thing  hahahaha  I loved it!!! 


rodney southern profile image

rodney southern 8 years ago from Greensboro, NC

very funny. Loved this. Outstanding hub, and humor as well. Five stars!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Ty, Marisue, you will be happy to know that you're not the only one to label me a a "nut." I begin to suspect there may be something to that, but, only time will tell. I am, however, glad to see that you recognize the danger. This is not a trifling thing.

Rodney, I appreciate the 5 stars. Thanks a ton!


pgrundy 8 years ago

OMG THANK YOU!!!!

It started so innocuously, but I fully expect the next wave to be automated ass wipers. We'll be sitting there, with the thing flushing every time we adjust our butts on the seat, and we'll get a spray or a wipe without asking, and attempts at escape will be met with lockdown until we submit to as much autoflushing and autowiping as is deemed approriate by the computerized stall. I predict people will be running from restrooms screaming at this point, and five years after that the only people who enter them will be suicides.

Excellent hub. Finally, someone with the courage to expose what is really going on with this.


dineane profile image

dineane 8 years ago from North Carolina

and what about those push button faucets? They never stay on long enough to rinse! Modern bathrooms definitely frustrate me! Great hub!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

ROFL Pgrundy, I swear to god, I wish you were my neighbor. Do you have any idea how hard we'd laugh all the time hanging out over a beer or nine? That comment was funnier than the whole hub. LOL @ being locked down while some nuclear robo-bidet blasts you out unwilling with a firehose(better verb deleted, but decorum prevents it). You kill me (ok, I may have ran with your idea, but, still. That was great.)

And yes, Dineane, those are the precursors to the lasers, the phase right before the latest onslaught. You are very correct to point those out. I was remiss to not include them. Just shows how vast this conspiracy really is, how long it's been going on!!!


Ananta65 8 years ago

Are you kidding me? You guys seriously have warnings about hanging yourself on rotating towel machines? Seriously, this is what makes you Americans look ‘stupid’ to us Dutch. Warnings not to dry your pet in the microwave (what moron could possibly be so stupid?), warnings not to hang yourself in the loop of a towel machine… I really am speechless. It’s things like these that made me question the average level of intelligence across the big water, really. Now I know it's not you, but the conspirators. I bet you appreciate the Darwin Awards (http://www.darwinawards.com/), Shadesbreath ;) Great hub!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Ananta, I wish I could like argue with you and tell you "no, we don't" but, crap, if you did any research at all, you'd prove me wrong. We are retarded here. I'm not sure what happened. We were so "on it" during WWII. /sigh


Ananta65 8 years ago

I hope it’s comforting to know that I don’t think all Americans are stupid, Shadesbreath. In fact, I think you have the skills and intelligence to expose the Bathroom Conspiracy and conquer them. If anyone can, it must be you. ;)


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 8 years ago

hi shades,,

Too funny!  I remember those loopy towel thingies, hated them.  More often than not, you'd get the initial 4 inches of towel and it would jam, leaving you to air dry your hands or wipe them on your clothes.

My memory isn't as sharp as it used to be, however, I do remember the first time I experienced one of those self-flushing toilets. (How scary is that?)  I must have stood in the stall a good 5 minutes trying to figure out how it flushed,,,,then, as you say, as you give up and start to walk away, whoosh!  Have to tell ya, it scared the 's**t out of me LOL, and I thought I was done!  It IS a conspiracy, scaring people like that so you are forced to sit back down and try again,,,ugh!

Fun hub!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Ananta, yeah we still have like four guys and three chicks that aren't total morons. THe rest of us are hoping someone will listen to them.]

Trish, that whole experience you described so well.... the humiliation.... you recount teh story but you don't realize that EVERYONE experienced it. You laugh, figure, oh, silly me! Whatever... but... NO. You were a victim of the conspiracy. FIGHT THE POWER.


Ananta65 8 years ago

It's amazing that those like four guys and three chicks can be found right here at HubPages, isn't it? ;)


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 8 years ago

Ok, I'm fighting!! Let's flush out those conspirators! :)


Ananta65 8 years ago

*Getting out his lasergun*

I'm with you *lol*


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 8 years ago

Thanks Ananta65!! I need all the help I can get :)


pgrundy 8 years ago

Ananta & Shadesbreath: Here's an actual warning I found printed on the BOTTOM of a boxed frozen pot pie:

Do NOT turn box upside down.

I sh*t you not.

Shadesbreath, I think it would be cool if we were ALL neighbors. We could go teepee the houses of the Christian word police!


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Great Hub. So I am not the only dumbass in a public bathroom. we have these in South africa too (but we dont have the warnings (yet). perhaps because there is not enough room to print them in eleven official languages. The one that gets me is the angled sheet of marble which poses as a sink. The water comes out automtically from a fawcett no taps no visible knobs. The soap dispenser drops out a dollop of foamy soap after you take your hands away from the spigot. This is a world wide conspiracy. I am glad you have exposed it.

My only fear is that if they use the wrong intensity laser on the throne, you may get a free vasectomy as a byproduct of using the loo!


Ananta65 8 years ago

PAST WINNERS OF M-LAW'S WACKY WARNING LABEL CONTESTS:

A label on a baby stroller warns: “Remove child before folding”

A brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook on the end warns: “Harmful if swallowed”

A popular scooter for children warns: "This product moves when used."

A nine- by three-inch bag of air used as packing material cautions: "Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device."

A flushable toilet brush warns: "Do not use for personal hygiene."

The label on an electric hand blender promoted for use in "blending, whipping, chopping and dicing," warns: "Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating."

A digital thermometer that can be used to take a person's temperature several different ways warns: "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally."

A household iron warns users: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn”

A label on a hair dryer reads, “Never use hair dryer while sleeping”

A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.”

The label on a bottle of drain cleaner warns: “If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product.”

A smoke detector warns: “Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire.”

A massage chair warns: “DO NOT use massage chair without clothing... and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving.”

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place”

An “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter cautions, “Do not use near fire, flame or sparks”

A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use “while sleeping or unconscious”

A 12-inch rack for storing compact disks warns: “Do not use as a ladder.”

A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner”

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: “Not intended for highway use”

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: “May irritate eyes”

A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.”

A snowblower warns: “Do not use snowthrower on roof.”

A dishwasher carries this warning: “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.”

A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: “Caution - Risk of Fire”

A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.”


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 8 years ago

LMAOOOOOOOOOO sixtyorso!!!!!!!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Shades, I never suspected you were so naive. Lasers? Sensors? HA! Those are cameras, my friend. I was sworn to secrecy when I left the cabal, but I feel that I can trust you. Just don't go spreadin' this around. These devices that you believe to be "automatic", are actually operated remotely. You never noticed the door near the public restroom that says something like "Authorized personnel only"? Behind that door, are typically 6-8 agents of the cabal. They sit before a bank of monitors, fingers poised over countless buttons. They just watch and wait. At the perfect moment, when they determine that a "patron" cannot possibly look more ridiculous, they flush, dispense, turn on the water, what have you. They have been opening satellite offices, around the world. We...I mean they believe that, if people believe they are not smart enough to perform such a basic function as using the bathroom, they will submit easily when the global takeover is carried out. Since you were smart enough to almost figure this out, I'm certain that you will be contacted soon. If they offer you a position within "The Company", I advise you to accept. You wouldn't like the alternative.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

ROFL SIxty.. omg how horrible would that be? Unzip to do your business and "bzzzzzzzzzzt" you're a gelding. hah, that's hilarious. You kill me man.

Ananta, that list is great. Reminds me of a comedian who did a whole act about warning lables. I think a couple of those were on there. Plus he did this whole thing about pop tarts, about the microwave instructions. Damn, now I have to figure out who that was. Great, thanks for giving me a homework project LOL.

Well BT, if those are cameras, then I have the last laugh for making those people look at my ass all these years. ROFL. But, I don't doubt you for a moment, the evidence seems pretty clear. I'll be awaiting their call.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Fabulous as always. Reminds me of the warning on a packet of peanuts stating, "Warning, may contain nuts". Duhhhh, would be disappointed if it didn't.

Seriously though, you guys are more advanced than we are as our UK loos do not flush for you, nor do the faucets turn on for you. We are lucky if we get a battery operated soap dispenser, usually only to find out the battery is flat! The towels still have to be pulled out by hand, or we get those electric hand dryers that take ages and leave you impatient so leaving the loo with still damp hands. The best option is usually the paper towel dispensers, but not all loos have those nowadays.

Still, you always make me laugh with your observational humour, love it, keep 'em coming.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Misty,

Count yourself lucky that the cabal has not found you yet. Your time is coming though, you will see. Some public moment, when you least expect it, you'll find yourself flapping your hands around infront of a towel machine and suddenly you say, "Oh shit, they're here!" and know that you are no longer safe.


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

So you've figured it out, have you?  No matter... no will believe you.  They all think you're crazy... and you are, aren't you?  Admit it... you're delirious, didn't know what you were saying... there's no such thing as a "bathroom conspiracy" ...you were under a lot of stress...

Now, take this pill and lay down for a little while... everything will be fine in the morning...

Get the body bag, quick!

No! He's figured it out...

Just get the damned bag!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Yeah, I did CW, and it's too late. The cabal might get me and bag me, but I let the cat out of it already. People are watching now!


nytsmasher76 profile image

nytsmasher76 8 years ago from Republic of the Philippines

That's what I call 'scathingly delicious wit' keep on hubbing sis!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Don't let the feminine cerebellum and curvacious amygdala of my avatar fool you, I'm all man! lol. Glad you liked my hub, thanks for saying so too :)


mollyniendorf 8 years ago

Wandered over to your Hubs after you commented on mine. Very interesting profile and quite the articles over here! Ha!


gjcody profile image

gjcody 8 years ago

This is too funny ...I needed a laugh ...as it is now 1:48 a.m. my time. You are the greatest with this type of article ..I love to read them ...thank you! My best to you!!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Ty Molly, I enjoyed your hubs a great deal this morning, glad I could give some entertainment back.

GJ, it's always an honor to have you comment on one of these ridiculo... very serious articles that I write. Happy to have amused. :)


Ananta65 8 years ago

You're all man, Shadesbreath???

No way, I ain't gonna fall for that. That's what the cabal wants us (yourself included apparently) to believe! See, they've been working on the mirrors you look into as well *lol*


The Chairman  8 years ago

Sir, it would appear that a former "employee" has been using this fine hub for the purpose of spreading rumors. You may rest assured that we at the Company, have no interest whatsoever in your personal hygiene habits. We are also entirely ignorant of the fact that you have a large mole, in the shape of Paris Hilton's dog, on your right buttock. We are in the process of tracking down this individual, and bringing him to justice. Thank you.

P.S.- You forgot to wash your hands.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Ananata, if I was a chick, I'd damn sure be spending a lot more, uh, quality time infront of that there mirror just, ... you know... enjoying me. lol.

Chairman,I am so glad to hear it, you have no idea. And, about that mole, isn't that just amazing? I got arrested trying to show it to Paris one day when she was in town. I couldn't believe how uninterested she was, and her such a scampy thing too. Seems like it'd be right up her alley as it were. Oh well. (Oh, and thanks for reminding me, but I never bother washing unless the, uh, paper has proven to be too thin.)


Shopperholic 8 years ago

I am screwed the next time I go to a wash room. Luckily I am not a chick, so this will limit me toying with the toilet itself for sometime. I haven't seen any of these evil sensor toilets, but if I do, I will do my best to limit it from further evilness.


Ananta65 8 years ago

My, my, they really did a good job, Shadesbreath. When it comes to your own identity you lose any suspicion. You might be right, but then again... Beware, don't trust them mirrors!


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

So why do wash your hands afterwards. You have showered or bathed in the morning right? Therefore your nether regions are the cleanest part of your body. You touch things all day long. Surely you should wash your hands before you touch?

Private Mode to Shades = ON

They seemed to have picked up on that mole but I don't believe they have a clear video. Probably very grainy. As you admitted to me your mole looks like Paris Hilton. Well maybe some could confuse her and her dog?

Private Mode = OFF


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Shopper, you'll see them, it's just a matter of time. It's the toilet you have no way to flush. The sinster dark spot of plastic is the only telltale sign. Just hope Sixty's idea of the over powered laser never gets to their ears or we're all screwed.

Ananta, if I could look like a hawt chick in the mirror, I wouldn't question it either way. I'd just run with it. lol.

Sixty, trust me, there's more than one bathroom that I've been in where that was precisely my reasoning for not touching anything. Flush handles, sinks or doorknobs. lol. Oh, and hey, don't bag on Paris man... she may be a moron and a skank, but she is hawt.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

A hawt moronic skank on your butt. Interesting thawte (sic I can spell).

PS Does the Paris on your butt serve as a platform to give rise to your Eiffel Tower?


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

She may be hot, but her dog is the intelligent one of the pair. He once told me that she was trying to rehabilitate turkeys to return them to the wild, but she gave it up because they took so long to thaw.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Sixty, no, it does not. I'm too fond of beer and not limber enough, so, the answer is nope. lol

SHows how dumb she is, doesn't it BT. I mean, just because they're frozen doesn't mean she can't return them to the wild. Even I knew that.


Jerilee Wei profile image

Jerilee Wei 8 years ago from United States

Didn't think I had a smile in me today, but this hub and the subsequent comments were a good reminder of how absurb life can be. Sign posted in Macau asian squat toilet -- Do not use hands to get up off floor.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

LOL, that's probably pretty good advice, even if horrifically obvious. Goes well with the sign by the sink that says: Restaurant employees must wash their hands before leaving restroom. /shudder. Glad you found a smile in this. :)


marisuewrites profile image

marisuewrites 8 years ago from USA

Sign at a restaurant by the front door, also where the door to the bathroom was:

"Please wait, hostess will seat you."


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Hmm, that could be awkward. I guess if she's really good looking I could get past it though. Probably piss my wife off though.


Boss Number 1 profile image

Boss Number 1 8 years ago from Stayton, OR

I laughed for days reading this. My husband thought I'd gone crazy. What about the immediate predecessor to the lazer towel dispenser, the air-blower. How long can we stand there rubbing our hands together under the blowing air, to still come away with wet hands? Thanks for the laugh!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Ok, those air blowers seriously piss me off. I refuse to use them. I intentionally walk out of bathrooms over-dramatically wiping my wet hands on my pants as a form of protest to those. Worst idea of all time, they are. Thanks for bringing them up, now I'm all tense.

:P

Thanks for the comment, glad you were amused. :)


Boss Number 1 profile image

Boss Number 1 8 years ago from Stayton, OR

And...if the goal of the air dryer was to prevent people from touching anything after washing their hands, why do you have to push a button to get them to work? Know what else drives me crazy? When, after having all this laser toilet/sink/towel dispenser business to prevent you from having to touch anything, the door to leave the restroom requires you to PULL it open! This is even worse if there was an air-blower, because then you can't even grab a paper towel to make it more sanitary!

Maybe, the world domination will come when people give up trying...we all just leave the restroom without bothering to wash our hands & the resulting E. Coli breakout will render us so weak that the cabal can easily take over while we all protest from our sick beds.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

EGADS! Boss, you've cracked it! That HAS to be it. How did I not see it when it's so obvious. My god. You're a genius.

But...

Wow, we're doomed. I see no way to prevent it. Hmm. I shall have to ponder this. Thanks for filling in the missing piece.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

You guys are close, again. The cabal actually hopes you will be afraid to touch the door at all. Imagine the entire world, trapped in the bathroom! They are currently working on a toilet that flushes directly to the faucet in the sink. But you didn't hear that from me.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Wow, BT. That may be the most evil weapon I've ever heard conceived before. What a diabolical little bunny brain you have to have thought of such a thing... I mean, to have recalled such a secret.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

no I tnink the Ecoli idea is a twofold Whammy. no 1. reduce the poulation.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

No 2 Those that survive will get thin thus reducing the number of overweight people in the world. Poop your way to thinness, Who needs fat blockers?


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

This thing has gone mad. Multiple postings galore!


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Just because I have not posted for a couple of days. This machine has decided it needs to catch up!


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Ok Ok I believe this is a conspiracy and looking at the number of posts perhaps it is trying to trap us all in bathrooms and even this automatic multiple post is part of it.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

LOL damn Sixty, you need a shot of tequila real bad. Mabey two.. or six. LOL


rmr profile image

rmr 8 years ago from Livonia, MI

I had to stop in and congratulate you on having embedded yourself into certain areas of my psyche. I was at Walmart earlier today when the call of nature struck. I was standing there in the restroom, staring at that invisible spot on the wall (you know the one I'm talking about), when I chanced a downward glance. And there you were! Bam! No, not that! I'm talking about the little red beam. The one you warned us about. Watching. Waiting. Not doing anything, even as I walked away. That was when I thought about good ole' Shadesbreath.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Well, I'm glad that I got to have a small moment in your adventures. I do hope everythign came out well in the end, and that your experience was unhampered by the conspirators.


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

Butt (sic) what's the reason for the conspiracy? My theory: They want us to be scared of the bathroom, which will surely lead to worldwide constipation. Conspirators. Constipaters. Do you see it? These words are obviously from the same Latin root word. Constipated people are easier to control, no? See where I'm going with this?

Like rmr, I too think about you more than I should when I'm in the bathroom. (And not in a Brokeback Bathroom kind of way.)

Great one, as usual. (Although I meant your hub, this is also what I say when I leave a public restroom. I will not be intimidated by the constipators.)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Conspiratory constipators? That sounds far more frightful than I thought... it's a great Conspiratory Constipator Cabal currently contemplating continental conquest, carefully crafting cruel consequences concerning crappers.

And I think it's just lovely that you think of me in there. I'd rather be thought of somewhere than nowhere.

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