The Legend of Eduardo, the Helper Monkey

The legend of Eduardo, the Helper-Monkey, all started with a hubber named Greg Sage. He's one funny guy, and though he has help from a menagerie, including a petite lap giraffe properly named Horatio whom he re-named "Jerry", it is primarily about Eduardo that I want to speak.

Eduardo was blissfully enjoying his banana in a tree, in the wilds of the Colombian mountains, when Greg, whose questionable purposes in Colombia may have had something to do with illegal pharmaceuticals, captured Eduardo with a butterfly net, brought him home, and proceeded to enslave the poor beast by getting him addicted to Kool-Aid, loaded with Vodka. The Russian kind, no less.

Though not an active animal rights activist, I can feel for Eduardo's plight. Here he is, captured by a white guy who will literally do anything for money (was it Greg I saw, trolling the red light district in a red miniskirt, black go-go boots that reached up his thighs, and a sequined bra?), and condemned to type but not read tons and tons of...not to put too fine a point on it...

Crap.

This poor monkey has blistahs on his fingahs, since Greg is nothing if not prolific...

And also has fallen in love with a petite lap giraffe...

Those two, Eduardo and Jerry the PLG (I must call him Jerry since everyone else does. His real name is Horatio Alger), forced into white slavery in Greg Sage's household after having been captured by the raving lunatic, whose rapacious avidity for getting money any old way knows no bounds, have become the best of friends, in a friendship forged by the fire of forced labor.

It's a love story both touching and warm, with only a possible miscegenist feel to it as they are different species to detract from the poignancy of finding each other through the hardship of being enslaved to Greg Sage and living in his mother's basement and never getting to sit on the gold couch, but always having to work, work, work, and drink loaded Kool-Aid for refreshment from their labors.

It's Romeo and Juliet, all over again, there in Greg Sage's basement. Or do I mean Romeo and Mercutio, since they are both males? Ah well.

DISCLAIMER:

This was intended to be a comical send-up or roast of Mr. Sage, and not intended to be taken seriously as an attack on Mr. Sage or his helpers.

Please do NOT regard any personal references or aspersions cast on Mr. Sage's character to be valid or true, or intended to wound.

Mr. Sage is well on the way to becoming a cyber-friend of mine. I have the theory it's good to be cyber-friends with those from other planets.

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Comments 47 comments

biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

No water, only Kool-Aid... By the way, did you know that the rats look like Chihuahua's, only bigger!


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

You're such a sweetie, BL. I was joking, really. Have fun and don't worry about lil ole me, and...don't drink the water in TJ.


biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

Actually, I could spend sometime in the Forum, and raise your "popularity" if you like? Just say the word, but just a warning. Being a revolutionary takes a bit of the fun out of writing on HP. They are relentless!


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Hey, BL!!! My guy, how's TJ treating you?? I saw the extradition order and it was a DOOZY!!! Did you know your latest is upgraded to a "threat to national security"? The whole alphabet soup of Fed agencies is after your butt, so RUN!!!

Me, for some reason, I was able to duck under the radar early on, and they haven't caught up with me yet. Maybe I'm just not as popular as you. (Sniff.)


biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

Paradise, don't let them get too you! Once "they" are finished with you, you'll be next!


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Thanks, Greg, I've got to check out BL's latest. I'll follow your advice, PS, burn the radio.


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

Well, P7, I think BL has lost it. He's gone rogue in TJ as evidenced by his last hub. The company may have to burn him. If he attempts to contact you, place a tracking device on him, and stay near a window with a clear line of site at all times.

This message will self-destruct.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

HAHAHAHA!!! Greg, you just crack me up, ALL the time. I love your sense of humour. You must really get the chicks rockin' and rollin'.

BL: You know, I must really, realllyyyy be dyslexic or something today, I read "lame" as "Lame with an accent mark" meaning gilded. Gilded, not gelded. 'K? So go for your re-publishing with the gilded disclaimer. Gotta read it. It's a must!


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

"GREG SAGE IS RUINING MY LIFE!!!!!!"

ps this is really an article about soap


biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

OH, I get it!!! By the way, to whom it may concern: I placed a super lame disclaimer at the bottom of both of my hubs and resubmitted them. I doubt they get re-published though.. My disclaimer was dripping with sarcasm.. If they do, they do, if they don't, they don't..


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

So... you've stopped beating your wife, then?


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

No, no, it was to AVOID YOUR WIFE KILLING THE PLG! Your WIFE was the potential PLG murderer, since she dislikes the poor little creatures so much she won't let you have one. Language is a funny thing.


biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

Yes, yes it does... And no, I'm not killing a PLG... They're for petting, not for killing.. So, so soft..


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Hah!


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

Well, you can't get much more classic than "Greg Sage is Ruining My Life"

Title says it all, really.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

BL, put a disclaimer on them and stick them back up. Then hop in the backseat of the getaway car and we'll run away together, and find ourselves a PLG. We'll go where your wife can't find us and KILL the poor lil sucker.

I only got the read the one, and it kinda ticks me off. I hate being teased.


biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

Paradise, Actually.. Since we're masters of our domain, (since we have a sub-domain)it may be a constitutional violation due to the unwarranted persecution that we are facing here on Hub Pages... I guess I'm going to have to stick to main stream articles such as "1001 ways to waste time writing for Hub Pages." I'm only up to 998, so it may take a little while.. I wonder how many other literary works of genius they have taken down?


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Hey, Phil, maybe you can break them of the nicotine habit, or at least get them to slow down some, by giving them Russian vodka, instead. What can I say? It worked with Jerry.

Hey, Greg, I forgot to let you know, the "vaguely repellent personal habits" were a reference to the fact you are the MASTER OF YOUR DOMAIN, several times a day, per the gossip around the fountain. Maybe we are all "masters of our domains" now that we each have our own sub-domain, huh?


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

Cigarillos?

That's bad news. That's one serious nic fit for such little guys.

If they start on the cloves, make a break for it.


Phil Plasma profile image

Phil Plasma 5 years ago from Montreal, Quebec

I need Eduardo to come over and strike some sense into my persistently striking minions. They have gotten so comfortable picketing in their underwear while smoking cigarillos I am at wits end to know how to get them back to work.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Thanks, Frank, that was my intention.


Frank Atanacio profile image

Frank Atanacio 5 years ago from Shelton

You know.. I really enjoyed this.. honestly.. :) Frank also voted up awesome


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Thanks so much, Mega, same goes for you.

PS, (My blushes!)


mega1 profile image

mega1 5 years ago

Guapa is when a woman is really quite beautiful in a strong way - very different than "linda" which is pretty (like a pageant contestant, or cheerleader, pretty) while guapa has it all! Guapo - is same for guys who are not only buff and hunky but have a handsome face and are simpatico (nice) as well. So now you know. That's you!


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Greg, please do!


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

Well, now I'm going to have to have a character with Guapa worked into their name... well, Guapo actually.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Greg: Both!

Cheryl: Thanks!


cherylscott profile image

cherylscott 5 years ago from US

interesting and well written. :)


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

Guapa?

You are either comically serendipitous in your choice of asking, or your database archaeology skills are the stuff of legends.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

And here I was just on my way over to Facebook to see if I could give you a POKE!

PS what does "guapa" mean, I wonder.


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

I'll join Facebook when you can smack someone back for pestering you with their pokes.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Mega, remember the fairies on the forums? And the live volcano bit?? You've got so much class, love, you outshine us all. Have fun with your Facebook whatits...all I ever do is poke people, and they poke me back...(POINTLESS? POINTLESS? WHO SAID THE WORD "POINTLESS"???)I haven't discovered the getglue feature, yet...

Greg, can't wait for Viral Vinnie, or the survivor guide...in the meantime, back at the camp, I checked my email, or what purported to be my email if it wasn't a substitute arranged by the you-know-who, the Valdimir look-alikes who Po-lice HP, and this hub is still up.


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

That's funny. Not 5 minutes ago, I was adopting Viral Vinnie's body shape for use as a Facebook like button.

It'll be up in 2 weeks... give or take.

In the meantime, I think I smell a "Survival Guide for post-Woohoo authors on the run" hub coming on soon. Should write itself... which is my specialty.


mega1 profile image

mega1 5 years ago

Sorry I haven't had time to join you guys - I wasn't serious about calling the SPCA BTW - I think you're both funny. I wish I could be like the big kids and think up some funny stuff. Maybe later after I'm through getting my getglue stickers (facebook, really fun, like collecting baseball cards and stuff) or maybe not. I never know what I'm gonna do. I've been spending so much time on facebook I was looking for the "like" button on an email a minute ago! ha I'm gonna get one of those like button teeshirts. anyway looking forward to Viral Vinnie - and I saw your pic Paradise - you look nothing like Hatchet Face - you're very "guapa"!


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Hah! God, I love your sense of humour, Greg. Can't be beat.


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

I actually just created a cartoon character for my new site that has Crybaby's tear tattoo.

"Viral Vinnie" will be making a debut soon.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Oh, Greg, thanks for the tips. I need plastic surgery anyway...ANYTHING would be an improvement over what I have...did you ever see a movie "Cry Baby" with Johnny Depp? Hatchet-Face has NOTHING on me!


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

I doubt you have email anymore.

By now, they've erased every trace of your existence.

Run. Lay low, get extensive plastic surgery to beat the facial recognition cams, and pay in cash always.

There is an underground network that can help you, but you won't find them. They'll find you.

The password is "PLG."


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

How much you wanna bet the getaway car wasn't fast enough and the HP PO-LICE will be all over this little guy like white on rice? Can't wait to read my email today...NOT!


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

That was the problem with me. I was following too many people, and my feed became useless since I'd have to scroll through pages of stuff to find what I wanted. I finally gave up and deleted everyone... now at least I can find what I'm looking for (except it refuses to unsubscribe me to hubs and threads I've already commented in) There's a few people I read, but know how to find them.

I doubt it. I don't see anything offensive.

Definitely the work of "The Man." It looks more like an "Enemy of the State" kind of thing. Check your phone for taps.

Gotta love how 3 of the 6 "related hubs" (on the right) being presented by HP for people to read are, in fact the very 3 they deleted.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Greg, Ah, I SEE! You know, I only follow the people that I diligently read when they publish. I think some people followed me, thinking I would automatically follow them back, as it only seems polite. Well, I tried that, and with over 600 people following, it did become very cumbersome to my email & feed, so I did also, very regretfully, have to drop some people, hoping their feelings weren't hurt.

I really think it might have been the slightly veiled gay reference at the tail of this hub. I definitely know we have some homophobes here. They wouldn't see anything funny about it; or about you (perhaps it was you!) trolling the red-light district in drag...


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

Now that's funny.

I had a couple drop the other day... but I saw that they had dropped a bunch all at once... I think they finally realized it wasn't helping them following everyone out there.

I did the same a while back... dropped all of them, in fact. For me, it was more about the fact that there were so many things posted on my feed that I just couldn't read it to find what I wanted. If I comment on something, it feeds anyway. Much easier for me to just seek out the ones I know I want to read.

Of course... it could be the invisible hand of the shadowy figures pulling strings behind the scenes. Better check to make sure your credit cards still work and your SSN hasn't been erased from existence.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Thank you for your comments. You know what? Three people have just "unfollowed" me since this hub has been up. I wonder if I went too far...


mega1 profile image

mega1 5 years ago

I don't believe for one minute that Greg has either of these pets - and if so whether he has enslaved and abused them is also questionable. He seems like a pretty nice guy - a little smutty sometimes but otherwise, why would he do such a thing? I thought it was all a joke. But if not, what the heck can I do about it anyway. Now I will be thinking of these poor animals all day. I don't have an address so I can't call the SPCA - oh dear, oh dear! :(


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

working on it...

working on it...


seanorjohn profile image

seanorjohn 5 years ago

Do you have photographic proof of Greg streetwalking in his red mini-skirt? Also does Greg's white slavery business bring in more money than adsense? Is it possible to sign up as a Greg affiliate? So many unanswered questions. This hub is TOS proof. Voted up


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

Look, it's not my fault Eduardo sheds on the couch. My credit card got declined when I tried to pay for the upgraded fabric protection that provides a warranty for that kind of thing.

I'd do the customary outrage bit in the forums to pump up viewership of the hub, but...

Actually, those two are more like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern... or was is Laurel and Hardy? In either case, they get along like orange juice and toothpaste.

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