The Malaprop Movie Critic...

This was one of those great movies with writing on the bottom...
This was one of those great movies with writing on the bottom...

So, it is no secret that I need a paying gig real soon or I'll be poorer than the State I live in. Apparently all the philanthropist jobs are gone, and making two cents a day on adsense makes no sense, so I went internetting to find a new job. 

Seriously, I found the best jobs out there. There is this one called "food critic", but seeing as there has never been a food item I didn't love, it would be very uncritical, and I would be a blimp in about two days, so...

Next best thing... movie critic. Perfect. I watch movies, even if I call them films, and with my incredible following on hubpages, at least three, maybe four, people, would read my words. I like watching films, even the ones with the writing on the bottom, so obviously this is for me.

Being critical is a little bit more of a challenge for me, as that’s where my natural proclivities as a Brit need to be overcome, but this is for cash, which is a very good overcoming agent.

I did not want to start with new movies, partly because I haven't seen very many, but also because it is hard to be too critical when you live in commuting distance of Hollywood and they might come down and punch you in the nose.

So, old films this time…

Some are very famous so there is a good chance you have seen them and then you can criticize my criticism, so the last person to read them knows exactly how good it is. (Cool huh?)

Top Gum

This is a great movie, even if the title might put you off, because the star, Tom Cruise, really does have the most wonderful gums. He smiles throughout the movie, even when he is flying a plane, letting you see his wonderful teeth, and those magnificent gums just mesmerize you. It is a little bit sad in places because a goose dies (I think he gets hits by a plane) but there is a pretty girl in it and there is some kissing and stuff. The best scene is where Tom is riding his motorcycle really fast without a helmet, and due to his magnificent teeth and gums does not get a single bit of crap stuck in there.

Hairy Porter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

This film is a bit of a mystery because you are never quite sure who the actual hairy porter is. There is one near the beginning when this kid who stood too close to Zorro, gets onto a train, and confusingly, there is this really hairy guy called Hagrid all the way through the film. Now he is standing on the platform at Hogwash station when the train comes in, and he carries Zorro-face kid's trunk for him, so you think it must be him, but he is a groundskeeper. (Not exactly a hard job, how much land runs away?) I think it is the really ugly handyman guy (with spectacularly disgusting gums), you know, the guy with the cat.

Fridge on the River Kwai

Now I got excited about this film, because if ever there was a need for a household appliance, this was it. The horrors of war, heat, and human unkindness run through the whole movie. People die all over the place in this godforsaken jungle hell, and it would have balanced things out nicely if they had found the fridge. A couple of cold beers and so much of the misery could have been avoided.

 

Twelve Hungry Men

This one is a gripping courtroom drama. It is exciting even though it takes place in one room. The court is having a recess, but for some reason, these men are not allowed to go and play outside. They are sitting around a huge lunch table trying to agree on what to eat for lunch. None of them can agree at first, but after taking their jackets off, eleven of them want to get takeout from the deli. Only one man, the hero, wants something different. He talks and talks until, just to shut him up, I think, they all change their minds. The order is going to get messed up anyway, what with everyone writing on tiny scraps of paper, in pencil.

The Crepes of Wrath

I love it when a film focuses on food, but this one is a little bit unusual. It was made in 1940, and done on the cheap, so they used black and white film. There is a lot of dust, so the crepes would taste pretty bad anyway. There is no discussion about fillings, which I would have liked, and no debate on the crepe / pancake. You might want to go to IHOC afterwards.

Try Hard

The first Try Hard was the best of the series, though, in every one, Bruce Willis manages to really mess up his undershirt. Bruce Willis really hates this building that he is in, so he shoots the bejezus out of it. He gets so mad at it, he even crashes a helicopter into the building, If you like explosions, lots of broken glass and the challenge of truly dirty whites, this is the movie for you.

Pilates of the Caribbean

Johnny Depp is brilliant in this swashbuckling tale masquerading as an exercise video. All the jumping and swimming are not really Pilates, but you just have so much fun interacting with the instructor, you feel the fat just melt away. He likes to be called captain, so just go with it; after all it is all about stiffening the core.

Finding Memo

A great cartoon for the kids, this one. This little fish, who, frankly, is a bit of a gimp, loses a post-it with some important words on it. His dad tries to help but he can only find a blue fish who can’t read or remember very well. It is rare to see such heartfelt images of the handicapped. Anyway, some turtle surfer dudes take him to Australia where these annoying birds tell everyone that the memo is theirs. There are some scary parts involving sharks, but the father and son reunion make up for them never resolving the memo issue.

So, there you have it, my first movie hub. I’m not exactly sure how critics get paid, but I’m kinda looking forward to the check because I spent like thirty bucks on netflix doing this.

Maybe I should review a few books for next time; I bet I’d make a great Literal Critic…

Dear Hub Reader


If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris


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Comments 26 comments

ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

I just realized that there is no voting button for "groan", so go ahead vote it up, then click on "funny" and "awesome" right after that, I'll know what you mean...

C


sunflowerbucky profile image

sunflowerbucky 5 years ago from Small Town, USA

I think you have found your niche! I just posted a hub featuring seven books, go ahead and get started on that book review thing, and let me know how it works out!

(Voted up and funny...ya know, since there was no groan button)


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Bucky,

I read your hub, which was great and all, but just reading it took the last ounce of guy, right out of me...I need a mixed gender group, but I know it would not be the same...


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 5 years ago from Canada

Chris, your knowledge of the film genre is obviously extensive, and I was honoured to learn so much from your esteemed knowledge! :D It's funny, you just seemed to pick up on all kinds of stuff that I missed, but I'm pretty inattentive most of the time, anyway, so figures ... I look forward to more critiques from some classic books out there ... maybe you can help me understand them better! VERY funny!!!! You definitely made me laugh out loud.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Princess,

I know, right, this is so my thing being like super observant and a deep thinker. I loved the movie of your wedding, The Princess Bride, I mean it's a classic. You seemed a bit bridezilla at times, but it was probably the stress...

I just finished watching The Lizard of Oz and I'm going to see Crap on a Hot Tin Roof, next. Sounds a bit smelly, but Liz Taylor is in it, so I'm doing it as a sort of a tribute.

Chris


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

I think you've found your calling Chris, i thought Fridge on the river Kwai and twelve hungry men was the same movie until your critique. Try hard and top gum too. Finding Nemo in the caribbean would be a bit tricky without your help.

Where do i send the cheque to? From the lizard.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

You HAVE found your niche! Now add movie snack critic and pair up which snacks go with which movie and everyone will beat a path to your hubs to know if they are supposed to eat JuJu beans or popcorn while watching The Lizard of Oz! Frankly, I don't know and will have to find out soon as the networks will start showing that film on TV soon.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

AttHum,

It just doesn't feel like a real job, you know, watching movies and writing, so probably best to forward the cheque to the Japanese Disaster relief.

Never thought about the Australian conection with 'The Wizard of Aus'...

C


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Austinstar,

Oh, you had to mention TV, a whole new slew of little known programs for me to work on, '24 Buars', 'Graze Anatomy', The 'Ten O'Clock Nudes'...

So much to do, so little time...

C


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I was wondering where you were going with this - then boom! I read "movie critic" and burst out laughing! I should have guessed......but that's what so fun about your hubs Chris - you never know where you going to end up! Pilates of the Carribean:)! Ha!


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 5 years ago from Florida

I love malapropisms and am sure I have been guilty of using them. My favorite, though, is not really a malapropism but just a mixed up statement: Dickens" "A Sale of Two Titties."

Thanks for a fun hub!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

RealHo

There is so much of this strange stuff in my head - I'm glad the internet works as a sort of cootie barrier, protects you lovely people out in hubland from the worst of my excesses...

I am well aware that I need help...

C,


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

mysterylady,

I know myself too well, I really should not have gone into this strange and unusual place as I fear I may never get out. I know this because when I share my latest crop of mangles, I get 'that look' from my dear wife...

Dicken's classic was hard to live up to, 'Bleak Mouse', never quite got the same respect, but 'A Christmas Sale' is an annual favorite...

C


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

No please don't get help! I am sure your fans will agree - we love your bent sense of humor!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Real Ho,

Awww, how sweet, you called me crazy...

C


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Haha! I am crazy! Oh, your figuring that out, huh?

However, you are crazy and clever - that makes a fabulous combination for a writer. I am still working on the clever......at least I try:)!


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

About fifteenish years ago the queen came out here for a visit and the prime Minister of Oz, Paul Keeting, actually put his hand on our, sorry their, sorry your, sorry your ex-queen's back. I know, the uncouth pillock, how dare he touch her majesty. Anyway fleet street christened him as, the lizard of Oz, and still haven't forgiven him.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Keith,

I remember the incident, but had not heard of the name given to him. Funny!

Does he still have his head?

Queen touching, I understand that is a popular sport in parts of Sydney...

C


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

Chris- You had me at Top Gum!! This was awesome. I'm not much of a movie-critic reader, but I would read your critic-ness every day!

Too bad about the lizard of Oz, but he really should have known better. Even I know you don't put your hand on royalty unless you're planning to push..... them out of the way of a flying bullet. Even then, you're taking your chances.

I pushed ALL the buttons to make up for forgetting to groan (I was too busy laughing), plus I shared it with my facebook friends. Not your facebook friends, just mine.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

This hub harmed my fragile mental health...I saw malaprops everywhere, menus tv shows my hub titles. I had to take a break or there would have been some serious domestic disharmony...

Thanks for always spreading the word!

C


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

Chris,

I want you to know that I feel incredibly stupid. I don't know what the word "malaprops" means.

This is why I write humor hubs. I can be entirely ignorant of basic human knowledge, and people just think I'm kidding.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

I am living proof that one can be smart, funny AND drop dead gorgeous...

Malapropism is an act or habit of misusing words ridiculously, especially by the confusion of words that are similar in sound...

Obviously you are far from stupid - you asked! (sign of an intelligent person) Tell Chelsea that...

Plus 10,000 is way bigger than 8,950...

C


Angie Jardine profile image

Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

Chris - more inspired lunacy ... loved it! Touch of the Pythons ...


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Angie,

I believe there may be a "Python" gene...

It all seems very natural and normal to me ;)

Thanks for dropping by

C


Pablito 5 years ago

dear Chris,

my name is Bene Factress and I think we are soul brothers or sisters because we have the same or a similar sense of humor which is not all that common and is much needed in our dear US of A where everyone including politicians and conservatives take themselves so seriouslyand be center stage and cause a stir by dilating things in Congress just to be the center of attention ever so often forgive my for running along but i must mistate my case in case someone is listening i mean reading


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Pablito,

I think the problem is that everyone takes everything too seriously!

You really do have to laugh...

Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment

C

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