The Most-Elaborate C.I.A. Operation Ever-- "Ozzie and The Sweatermen"

Channing Tatum, sweater wearer
Channing Tatum, sweater wearer
Alec King -- sweater designer and wearer
Alec King -- sweater designer and wearer

Top Reasons Why Hollywood Male Actors Wore Sweaters

(according to their "spin-doctors" in their day"

• "Hey, Oz. You will look younger."

• "Carl, you will look as if you have lost weight."

• Wearing a sweater will give you more sex appeal.

• Wearing a sweater will keep you inconspicious and not bothered by your fans.

• A sweater will make you look "average," and fit in with the common folks.

• * "This" sweater is bullet-proof, but do not tell a soul.

• Your eyesight will be sharper if you wear this sweater.

• Wear this sweater anytime you like. The writers, directors and producers have been advised not to object.

* 'this' indicates that the male actors' wardrobe managers could have been implying the C.I.A.

Source: Me. Kenneth Avery

NOTE: this is NOT a story about the "Rockin' 50's and 60's" with guy groups such as the Lettermen crooning about make-up's, break-up's and seeing someone in September. I just hope that the editors of HP will read this hub for this, I believe, will grant me a position in the Rising Star or Hub of The Week segments. Kenneth

At the risk of sounding superior and to sound editorial, enough is enough. I have went my two miles as Our Lord Jesus, asked. Every human being has a limit, and today I found mine. I knew that I was dealing wit something serious when I started feeling bitterness toward Ozzie Nelson, Hollywood legend, writer, actor and co-star of "Ozzie and Harriet."

Do not hang me in public. Well, on second thought, go ahead. The way that I feel I do not care. I wouldn't even care if you tarred and feathered me. It's that rough emotionally and psychologically when a person goes over their limit of being around someone or seeing something that does not fit into the natural order of things.

With some, it is a song that annoys so much, the annoyed person acts-out and breaks the CD (with the annoying song) as the result of their anger. With some it is someone else with some obvious, nail-grinding habit such as sucking their teeth for no reason and since there is not a CD for the annoyed person to break to relieve their tension, they shun the person sucking air through their teeth and never speak to them again.

Perry Como, "The Sultan of Sweatermen"
Perry Como, "The Sultan of Sweatermen"
Chris Evans, starred as Capt. America, loves to wear his sweater every chance he gets
Chris Evans, starred as Capt. America, loves to wear his sweater every chance he gets
Fabian, 50's heartthrob, also wore his stylish sweater during his fabulous career
Fabian, 50's heartthrob, also wore his stylish sweater during his fabulous career

SWEATERS TOOK THE PLACE OF MONEY, CARS, MANSIONS

With me, my source of impatience is sweaters and sweater-wearing Hollywood male stars of yesteryear and today. Yes, from the day of Mary Pickford, heroine of silent films, to notable Sean Connery, the sweater has always found a way to, as Jimmy Durante said, "get into the act," and the proof is in the photos on this hub.

There was a time as I recall, that the ways to tell if someone had "made it" in Hollywood was the star seen in one of new Cadillac,s, or in his new mansion in Beverly Hills. But the dead give-way was this star being invited to attend the gala opening of another star's newest Hollywood-produced film. Yep. This star I refer to was on "easy street," and always had that slick, shiny suit on his back accompanied by those sharp-toed slippers and pants with pleats so sharp that a man with a heavy beard could get a good shave from them. He was one happy Hollywood male star.

Como's song was recorded in 1957, but that is irrelevant. Look at his trusty sweater that always accompanied him everywhere he went

David Beckham, soccer star
David Beckham, soccer star
Cameron Mathiason
Cameron Mathiason
Daniel Craig, the last Hollywood star to be "James Bond: Agent 007"
Daniel Craig, the last Hollywood star to be "James Bond: Agent 007"

I KNEW SOMETHING WAS "UP"

That was until "some" unnamed, mysterious group would meet with this up and coming actor in an undisclosed location and when the star surfaced, he was wearing a sweater. No more slick, shiny suit or pants except at public events and movie studio press conferences. All the rest of the time, the star would be seen on those Hollywood "scoop" programs cleaning his massive pool near his massive home in Los Angeles while wearing swimming trunks and . . .his trusty sweater just like an insecure kid and his "blankie," that gave him a measure of self-confidence. Sickening, that is all I can say about this male star wearing swimming trunks and his sweater and all without any explanation.

No one can really say why this "woolen beast" has always had its way with our more-famous people on film, stage and other outlets of fame. I started noticing this clever entity during the time of "The Donna Reed Show" and America's show: "Ozzie and Harriet." The sweater seemingly was always near Ozzie when he was lounging at home with Harriet, Rick and Dave. Oh yes, and Wally, the bum, who always wore a sweater, but I just wrote that off as he was a college student.

But clean-cut Ozzie and even Carl Betz, "Alex Stone," television-husband of "Donna (Reed) Stone?" Betz was as addicted to that sweater he wore when he wasn't seeing children patients in his, (pardon this pun), home office. There he'd be. Sitting with Donna chatting about some obscure topic that never prompted Donna to comment on his sweater. Neither did Harriet comment on Ozzie's wearing his sweater when the sun was high and he was behind his push-mower, (the type without a gasoline engine), about to or finishing the lawn. Did you read that? Now tell me who in their right mind mows grass (even with today's gasoline-powered riding mowers) in a sweater? A person would literally burn up from doing this.

Gerard Butler clutching his special sweater
Gerard Butler clutching his special sweater

SEEING OZZIE AND ALEX IN SWEATERS GOT TO BE TOO MUCH FOR ME

Another area of annoyance for me was even when Ozzie or Alex Stone, both wearing their sweaters, had finished with their lawns, you could NOT spot one droplet of sweat on either man. I give you my word of honor on this. I guess that the producers had "Jeff Stone," Dave or Rick Nelson to bring their dads a glass of cold lemonade that was just made by Harriet or Donna. But no sweat? That one was tough to swallow.

But our Federal Government on Ozzie's days never lifted a memo to warn us gullible citizens about the addictive-powers of wearing an innocent-looking sweater. They just sat idly by and let the sweater all but take over our lives--similar to Nikita Khrushchev's poignant declaration of years ago, "without firing a shot."

If Nelson, Betz, even Robert Young as both "Jim Anderson," of "Father Knows Best," and "Marcus Welby, M.D.," had just offered me a short, sensible two lines of unobtrusive dialogue such as: "Hi, Harriet. It was kinda nippy today, so I grabbed my nifty sweater you gave me for Christmas two years ago." That would have been the end of it. No resentment on my behalf. And no hub of this nature would have never been written.

Actor, Ewan McGregor struts his stuff in public while wearing a sweater
Actor, Ewan McGregor struts his stuff in public while wearing a sweater

Honest Quiz

TO THE MEN: Do you love wearing a sweater?

  • No
  • Yes
  • Sometimes
See results without voting

IF I HAD BEEN GIVEN A CLUE, I WOULD NOT HAVE GREW SUSPICIOUS

See how unnoticeable that dialogue exchange was? If this scene had been filmed on Ozzie and Harriet's television show, you would have hardly noticed it. Or maybe if Ozzie, Dave, and Wally were sitting outside in the Nelson's backyard just kicking-back, relaxing while Harriet is downtown doing the marketing. Dave looks at Ozzie and says, "Heyyy, dad. Why are you so down?" "(Horse laugh) Yeah, 'Mr. O,' why are you not your usual zesty self?" asks Wally. "Oh, huh? Ha, ha. Well, guys. I just feel, well, so under-dressed without my sweater that Harriet is taking to the dry cleaners," Ozzie replies. You notice that Ozzie did not use the word "naked," but "under-dressed" due to the strict sensors in his time.

But I suppose that Ozzie didn't count on someone like me being bothered by his life-sucking sweater. I am so sure that I am not the only person who feels this way, that I would wager money on it. It is simply ridiculous to see grown men and I don't care if they are Hollywood icons, throwing a neighborhood barbecue and them strolling and strutting around wearing "that" sweater. It is as if the sweater was a part of some very culvert C.I.A. operation that someone forgot to shut-down and the higher-up's at this most-powerful agency just agreed to "let the sweater thing go. No one will pay it any mind." They might have said.

Yeah. You are so right, C.I.A. You almost slipped this shady sweater thing by us Americans who can, if the need arises, be smarter than your fake diplomats running all over Europe and third world countries.

Oops!

"Mr. (Fred) Rogers" and "Capt. Kangaroo
"Mr. (Fred) Rogers" and "Capt. Kangaroo

TIME TO RECOGNIZE "SWEATER ROYALTY"

(Photo below) you will instantly-recognize "Mr. (Fred) Rogers," and "Capt. Kangaroo," two children's television "kings." And they always will be. Rogers will always be known for his sweater-wearing on and off his hit show on PBS, while Bob Keeshan, "Capt. Kangaroo," played the mild rebel in that he didn't have to lean on wearing a sweater to cement his popularity and name with kids all over the world.

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Comments 4 comments

Perspycacious profile image

Perspycacious 22 months ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

I just had a ball singing along with the greats! And I even knew the words! Thanks for a ball. What a collection, wow.


tirelesstraveler profile image

tirelesstraveler 22 months ago from California

Excellent wit knit in this hub:)

My husband wears sweaters at work because it gets so cold. I used to think that was why everyone wore sweaters. Thank you for setting me straight.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 22 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Perspycacious,

Thank you so much for taking time to leave me such a sweet comment. You are welcome, but it is I who should be thanking YOU for reading and commenting.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 22 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Tirelesstraveler,

Shhhhh. The C.I.A. is still in the dark about me "blowing the whistle" on them for allowing "Sweater Gate" to roll on.

But thanks for your nice comment and come back to see me.

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