The Movie Scab Reviews: "This is the End."

"The scab you're picking at is called execution."

--American film producer Scott Rudin.

Monkey Boy picks the movies!
Monkey Boy picks the movies!

This is the End: NEGATIVE Acks!

Monkey Boy gives This is the End NEGATIVE Acks! out of 5!



This is the End.

I went to a party in Hollywood once where everyone was high except for me. Everyone had smoked an enormous amount of pot and was stoned out of their minds, and they were laughing and laughing and laughing at something on TV. Having just showed up, I was stone-cold sober, no booze, no pot, no drugs, not even a drop of caffeine in my system, and gosh darn it, I wanted to know what was so freakin’ funny. It had to be pure comedy gold because everyone was glued to the TV and everyone was laughing and laughing and laughing. I swear, their faces were lined with laughter-tears. I pushed through the crowd, thinking, well, it must be Robin Williams doing some standup. Or maybe it’s Duck Soup, one of my favorite comedies starring Groucho Marx. Maybe it was Superbad or Kick Ass or Airplane. Those are awesome and they're funny, funny, funny! But, no, no, it was nothing as funny as that. It turned out that everyone was watching a documentary on the History Channel about the Holocaust. Yes, when you’re high, a documentary about 6,000,000 Jews murdered by Nazis can be a laugh out loud riot.

This is the End is like that. It’s only funny when you’re high. When you’re not high, it’s as funny as a documentary on the History Channel about the Holocaust.

This is what happens when you give 32 million dollars to six stoners and they make a movie while stoned.

Because This is the End is so unfunny, and so bad, Monkey Boy and I had a difficult time rating it. I mean, how do you rate a steaming crap-heap of mediocrity like this? No, no, “mediocrity” is far too kind a word to describe this… this… puerile, narcissistic, self-indulgent-turd pile-of crap-and I’m so angry I paid money to see this stinker that I can’t even form freakin’ #@$%# words!

#$@#& Seth Rogen! #$@#& James Franco! #$@#& Jonah Hill! #$@#& Jay Baruchel! #$@#& Danny McBride! #$@#& Craig Robinson!

Now, I'd understand if this was a movie starring Danny McBride and no one else because Danny McBride does the same mean shtick over and over and it's not funny anymore, it's just mean, and if you think I'm being mean, go cry to mommy. I'd understand if it was Franco, Hill and Robinson doing what they always do because I expect nothing less from them because it's what they always do, which is one of the movie's repetitive gags that's supposed to be self-deprecating but is, in fact, just the opposite (insert "hubris" here). But Seth Rogen and Jay Baruchel are Canadians! Canadians! And, dammit, Canadians are supposed to be funny! Rogen and Baruchel should freakin’ know better! Eh?

Michael J. Fox is turning over in his grave. (And if you think that's mean, go cry to Danny McBride's mommy.)

This is the first movie Monkey Boy and I have ever given NEGATIVE Acks! to.

Here’s the plot, if you must know: there is no plot, but you do get to watch six famous, rich, entitled and very-much-in-love-with-themselves-and-their-celebrity stoned actors who think they’re the funniest thing since Groucho Marx do and say unfunny things while trapped in a house during the apocalypse. Apparently, the plot is based on a short movie or something or whatever-I-don’t-care that Rogen and Baruchel (unfunny Canadians!) came up with while stoned.

There are 5,000 jokes in this movie. 1,000 of them are stoned pot and drug jokes. 1,000 of them are dick jokes. 1,000 of them are masturbation and jiz jokes. 1,000 of them are Hollywood insider jokes. 1,000 of them are not jokes at all unless you’re stoned, then they’re jokes.

Laugh. Out. Loud. Riot.

But wait! There’s more! We get a barrage of unfunny, rich, entitled, narcissistic stoned celebrity cameos!

Stoned Michael Cerra blows a handful of cocaine in the faces of stoned party guests and then he gets impaled while stoned!

Stoned Emma Watson runs around with an axe and drops the f-bomb while stoned!

Stoned Jason Segel does nothing but stand around like he’s stoned!

Stoned Rihanna slaps Michael Cerra and gets swallowed up in a stoned sink hole!

Stoned Channing Tatum is a stoned gimp who grabs stoned Danny McBride’s stoned penis!

Funny. Stuff. Kids.

Geez, I wish I was stoned when I watched this movie.

Is there anything funny in this movie, anything at all? Some tiny trace of comedy gold somewhere? Are there any moments that actually made me laugh out loud? You’d think there might be one or two, with a cast and, uh, “talent” like this, right? Right? Maybe?

OK, I confess. There were two—count ‘em—two moments that made me and Monkey Boy laugh out loud: when Jonah Hill plays with a loaded gun and when Franco and McBride argue about masturbating and jiz for about five minutes. Yes, I know: the comedy gold bar is very, very low, but these two moments were actually pretty darn funny, an infuriating hint at what could have been if the boys had sobered up for half a second, and they generated a chuckle out of me and a weird bark or scream or something out of Monkey Boy. Other than that, though, I could have been a mime and Monkey Boy could have been the rotting corpse of Michael J. Fox, that’s how quiet we were.

And, predictably, the professional critics love this movie just like they loved Bridesmaids, one of the worst comedies in movie history (90% on the Rotten Tomato Meter). Likewise, Rotten Tomatoes has given This is the End 85%, and the Hollywood Reporter and Metcacritic all agree: it’s fine comedy gold! (If you’re 12 years old and stoned). The comedy is so fine in fact that a professional movie critic (Kyle Smith, The New York Post) laughed so hard he ripped his bile ducts.

I hope he received medical attention. A torn bile duct can kill you.

My rating: find yourself a dive bar in Hollywood and drink five shots of the worst rotgut you can find, slam them back, one after the other; then smoke a lot of weed; take a necessary risk and shoot some street heroin into your tongue or eyeball; do a buttload of crack; follow that with a methamphetamine gargle; eat some ‘shrooms; stick an LSD suppository up your butt; smash your hand with a ball-peen hammer; pull your remaining teeth out with a tool from the tool box, preferably a chisel or pliers; and then find a bunch of rich, entitled Hollywood actors like Seth Rogen, James Franco, Jonah Hill, Jay Baruchel, Danny McBride and Craig Robinson and let them crap all over you until you start singing the Canadian anthem, remembering a time not so long ago when Canadians were actually funny and Michael J. Fox, God bless him, was alive, funny as hell and a billion times more talented than these losers. At some point you should go into a coma or expire—whatever it takes so that you do not go and see this movie.

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2 comments

toothless 3 years ago

I loved it


Blue Phillips profile image

Blue Phillips 2 years ago Author

Toothless,

Thanks for the toothless comment and insight. Do you smoke crack?

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