The Pretend Print Newspaper

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

I recently decided to create my own business. First thing I tried to do was create a lawn care business, where people would pay me to stand in their front lawn, and say, “I really care about this lawn…” but I didn’t get many customers, and now I’m broke, because I sunk all of my savings into that idea, buying promotional t-shirts and mugs, so if anybody wants one of those, I still have plenty of them boxed up. Maybe it was a bad idea. Now I have to come up with some other ideas for a business. Here’s my most recent idea, and hopefully, I’ll be rich and famous someday. Or famous and rich, I don’t care. I’m not picky.

With the Pretend Print, you could pretend to read headlines just like this one! It's up to you!
With the Pretend Print, you could pretend to read headlines just like this one! It's up to you!

The Pretend Print

Do you often find yourself bored? Or do you wish you had something you could carry with you that you could use as an excuse to ignore people? Are you only pretending to read this? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then the Pretend Print is perfect for you. The Pretend Print (PP) is a newspaper that you can pretend to read whenever you find yourself in a situation where you must pretend to read something. The PP is entertaining and educational (depending on your imagination), and even FDA approved. How does one use the PP, you might ask? It’s simple. Simply take your Pretend Print newspaper and pretend to read it wherever you want. Use it at a bus stop to avoid those awkward conversations with unsightly people. Simply take out your PP, unfold it, and then pretend to read it. All you have to do is act like you’re holding a real newspaper in front of you. Yes, it’s that easy! No one else will be able to see your PP, but you’ll know it’s there, and that’s all that matters. Don’t wait, order one today! I’ll send you a box containing the Pretend Print, and you can open it, pretend it’s in there, pretend to take it out, and then you can go everywhere and pretend to read it. The Pretend Print newspaper usually sells for one million dollars, but I’m offering it to you for just $19.99. That’s a savings of $999,980.01! If you order right now, I’ll double your order and send you two, that’s right TWO Pretend Print newspapers. Give one to a friend, or keep them both, so you can stop pretending to read one when you get bored and switch to pretending to read the other. But wait, there’s more! If you mention this ad, I’ll not only double your order, I’ll also send you a free t-shirt that says I Heart PP! Wear the I Heart PP shirt while pretending to read your pretend newspaper, so everyone will see how much you enjoy pretending to do so. I’ll also send you a promotional mug. Are you hosting an imaginary tea party? Surprise your guests with their own copy of Pretend Print, and then you can all sip imaginary tea from your PP mugs while pretending to read the pretend newspaper. Have trouble pretending? Don’t worry! I’ll send you a complimentary brochure on How to Pretend You’re Pretending, that way, no one will ever know if you’re pretending, or just pretending that you’re pretending. You don’t even have to know how to read to pretend to read this newspaper. Don’t believe it’s that easy? Just listen to what some of my satisfied customers have to say about my PP!

Satisfied Customers!

Jill writes, “I didn’t know what I was missing until I ordered my Pretend Print. Once I had it, I could pretend that I wasn’t missing anything. I can’t wait to tell all my friends that I now have a PP.” Jane gives the Pretend Print FIVE stars!

Jack writes, "Having a PP is awesome. I can take it anywhere I want! It's like having your own printing press, and each day you can pretend that something different has happened in the world. Just today, I read about an alien invasion. It's unclear right now if these aliens are peaceful, but I'll find out in tomorrow's edition. Depending on what mood I'm in, our planet just might be facing a hostile takeover. I can't wait to find out!" Jack gives the Pretend Print five shooting stars, because shooting stars are awesome!

Ben writes, "I overheard my roommate talking about his PP and how great it was, so I had to sample it for myself. I'm glad I did! I never did have a great imagination, but with the free brochure on How to Pretend You're Pretending, I quickly became an expert. I was just elected President! It was all over page one. This never would have happened without the Pretend Print. Thank you, Pretend Print! You rock!" No, Bill! You rock! Congrats on being elected President! Bill gives the Pretend Print 50 stars, because he's proud to be an American!

What do YOU rate the Pretend Print?

5 out of 5 stars from 3 ratings of PP!
This is what my personal Pretend Print said today. It was a real motivational way to start my day! It can do the same for you!
This is what my personal Pretend Print said today. It was a real motivational way to start my day! It can do the same for you!

Now that's satisfaction guaranteed!

Don’t be the only one without a PP. As far as you know, everyone else around you already has one. Have you ever seen someone standing around, and thought, “I wonder if they have a PP?” Odds are, they do, but everyone knows that owning a PP and simply pretending to have a PP isn’t the same, so order yours today. That way, you too can tell your friends, “Yes, I have a PP, and no, you can’t see it.” Don’t get caught up in PP envy. Simply request your own Pretend Print by going to my pretend online website and clicking on the PP icon, and then follow the pretend instructions. Or write to my pretend headquarters and request your pretend newspaper, and then send me a check in the mail (check cannot be pretend, nor can you just pretend to send it). Here at Pretend Print, I say pretend all you want, but it’s easier to pretend with a PP. *Pretend Print can be used to line a litter box or to swat flies, but results may vary.*

FREE I Heart PP t-shirt!*

* With purchase of one (1) Pretend Print Newspaper, $19.99, not including shipping and handling. Deal not available in WI, OH, and NV.
* With purchase of one (1) Pretend Print Newspaper, $19.99, not including shipping and handling. Deal not available in WI, OH, and NV.

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Comments 12 comments

CR Rookwood profile image

CR Rookwood 4 years ago from Moonlight Maine

I can hardly wait to get mine. I guess it will probably be one of those deals where I have to stand in line overnight, right? What date is the IPO? Voted up. :)


jimagain profile image

jimagain 4 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

Voted UP and funny...and I'm not pretending! I wish I had thought of this but I don't want to be guilty of PP envy. Good stuff!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

What is a newspaper?


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

@CR Rookwood- I suspect people will be lining up for this item and camping outside the door for weeks. Some people might just pretend they already have it, so to avoid this confusion and trickery, I'm adding a certificate of authenticity, so that you can prove to people that you actually have a PP.

@jimagain- Thank you for not pretending to vote this up. I appreciate that. I wish you'd thought of it, too.

@nicomp- A newspaper is old technology, or old news, if you'd rather. They haven't changed a bit since they were first started, which is why I'm coming out with this revolutionary idea of a pretend newspaper.


swb78 profile image

swb78 4 years ago from Gainesville Georgia

Q, your one heck of a creative writer, and very, very talented--great Hub man! WP


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

This is a great idea! I will no longer have to carry an annoying real book everywhere. With a PP, my imagination will keep me entertained and keep strangers away from me. Thanks!


momster profile image

momster 4 years ago

This was so hilarious. I was laughing throu the first paragraph. Great job on you PP advertising. Voted up.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

Why isn't the shirt available in OH? We have a sense of humor. :(


CyberShelley profile image

CyberShelley 4 years ago

Brilliant, well done - I so enjoyed the read. Up, funny and interesting!


spartucusjones profile image

spartucusjones 4 years ago from Parts Unknown

This will totally save my life. It is also too bad that I don't believe in lawns or I would totally hire you to care about my lawn (or even pretend to care).


Sharkye11 profile image

Sharkye11 3 years ago from Oklahoma

And to think of all the time I wasted pretending to read a real newspaper. I can't believe I didn't think of this idea myself. Probably because I only pretend to think! Voting for you...I hope you become rich soon!


crassnsilly profile image

crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea

I bought a PP but couldn't finish the crossword. What is the answer to 13 across? Is it giraffe? Or possibly antique? Please help. Also the horoscope for Aries was incorrect, as the so-called tall, dark stranger was only of medium height.

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