The Ten Worst Songs of the Past Four Decades

My Personal Bottom Ten

I have had nightmares over these songs - if you want to call them that - over the years, as these "tunes" were recorded by people that I'm definitely not a fan of as far as musicianship.

These are the "songs" that I have such contempt for that if I were in charge of pledges in a college fraternity, I'd lock the poor newbies in a room and force them to listen to this dreck for hours upon hours as a hazing tactic.

Why do I hate these songs so, one may ask?

The reasons vary; in some of these songs it's the artist whose ability I find severely lacking and an embarrassment to the recording arts. In other instances it's the song itself that is bad, rather than the singer - I think that one of the ladies on this list is an absolute babe.

I won't waste any more time - this is my list of the ten worst tracks of the past forty years, in no particular order.

I hope the cringing and screaming in agony won't be too spectacular from the memories of this swill...

OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN, BRITNEY SPEARS

Just in case you were wondering, this is the one that I think is a hot babe and have a crush on, as she has a most slamming body with the shapeliest legs since Tina Turner - and her face is really cute, too.

Most unfortunately, however, it's a complete and total shame that this hottie's musical prowess has never matched her looks or her dancing skills. As it has the same beat, key and overall sound as her first single, "Baby One More Time", this follow-up personifies that lack of ability.

It's good that she has recovered from her recent mental breakdown, but sorry to say she's no Carly Simon or Alicia Keys or even her old Mousekateer BFF Christina Aguilera when it comes to music - although she did look extremely smoking in that red cat suit in this song's video.

BYE BYE BYE, N'SYNC

In beginning this entry, permit me to make something crystal clear from the bottom of my heart:

I ABHOR, LOATHE AND ABSOLUTELY HATE BOY BANDS WITH A BURNING PASSION OF A THOUSAND SUNS.

When one thinks about it, these "boy bands" are actually not bands at all. They are producer's compilations, oftentimes formed by placing ads in the local papers, where all that the members need is a handsome face and a passable sense of rhythm; real musical skills are secondary.

In this so-called band's (who incidentally was put together by an Orlando, FL newspaper ad) case, any of their singles could have been chosen for this dishonor roll as I thought that they all stunk to high hell. I especially hated the video to this ditty; watching them being puppets while doing those dorky dance moves almost made me lose my lunch.

I will admit that Justin Timberlake, who became a star with this swill of a group, has done okay with his career, particularly with his Justified CD, but that still doesn't change the fact that this poor excuse of a song was a waste of hearing, as was this next piece of noise sung by another bunch of pretty little boys...

BACKSTREET'S BACK, BACKSTREET BOYS

Incredibly enough, as much as I couldn't stand N'Suck, I mean N'Sync, I hated these Bad Stink Dweebs even more - I actually thought they were worse, if you can believe that.

That's not saying anything, though - please remember that. Choosing between N'Stink and Bad Smelling Dorks is like choosing between having to date Medusa and the Wicked Witch of the West.

Just like with Justin, Joey Fatone, Lance Bass and their other little playmates, any of the "songs" that this compilation recorded and released could have been put on this list, but I chose this song because Nick Carter, A.J. McClean, Howie Dorough and the rest of these sorry piece of saps sounded a bit arrogant in this cut, as if they were the second coming of the Rolling Stones.

Lou Pearlman, who was responsible for putting together these two "groups" mentioned here, gets the ultimate blame for these insults to pop music.

I'm sure that those of you who may be reading this are saying, "Tell me how you really feel," right now.

THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL, WHITNEY HOUSTON

I completely recognize and accept that this lady's voice is a good one, and the problems that she's had with drugs and Bobby Brown (her ex-husband) of New Edition and solo fame have been both tragic and sad to see, but...

That does not change my opinion that Whitney's songs have never really struck a chord in me, as their quality has always seemed to be a little sappy. This was particularly the case during her watershed years in the mid-1980s.

This remake was the sappiest of her hits; I more or less groaned whenever it came on the radio or on MTV, which was all the time.

Compared to Sade, a contemporary who broke out at the same time, the songs that Whitney put out just didn't seem real enough to me - especially this one.

However, having said all of that, it was sad - very sad - when I heard of her recent passing. I mean it sincerely when I say that I hope she rests in peace.

HELLO, LIONEL RITCHIE

While this was an extremely huge smash in the mid-80s, a song that I heard and saw constantly during my high school days, this was the ultimate sappy dirge of that period.

Although this former lead singer of the Commodores - and Nicole Richie's father - was the big star back then with his classic "All Night Long", I felt that Lionel's sense of funk which he cultivated with his Commodore buddies was completely lost when he embarked on a solo path and released all of those ballads.

This track illustrated the loss of that funky edge and was a master example of the fluff that he sang, the type that you would like at first but get sick and tired of real fast.

And that sculpted head of Lionel's that was featured in the video looked like it was made with an ugly stick.

HEARTBEAT, IT'S A LOVE BEAT, TONY DEFRANCO AND THE DEFRANCO FAMILY

Compared to their mid-1970s contemporaries like the Osmonds and the Jackson Five, this group of singing siblings were completely forgotten before long.

Which was an ecstatically good thing, as these Osmond copycats from Canada almost induced a gagging in me when I saw footage of them on a "Whatever Happened To..." show on VH1; suffice it to say I turned the channel real quick.

With wannabe Donny Osmond Tony DeFranco, who warbled this crappy mess of a tune, leading the way, these no-talents were among the quintessential one-hit blunders of that period. I particularly wondered what Tony's older brothers and sisters were doing there, as they provided mere window dressing while wearing the tackiest polyester outfits - even for that time - and were doing the lamest dance moves.

It was painfully obvious that this little ditty was produced for the sole purpose of satisfying the needs of the clueless screaming teenyboppers and the people who ran those Tiger Beat and 16 rags that were probably used on the bottom of bird cages.

As I don't have anything more to say about those poor excuses for entertainers, I'll move on...

HOLD ME, MENUDO

Before N'Sync and Backstreet Boys, there were these little piss-ants.

And I mean that literally due to the fact that this act from Puerto Rico, which enjoyed huge popularity among Latin American teenage girls, forces their members to leave the group upon their 16th birthday.

When this Latino boy band tried to enter the U.S. market in 1984 with this dreck - and a then-12 year old Ricky Martin in tow - it was all I could do to keep from rolling on the floor at their ineptness; I remember pretending to throw things at the TV screen whenever they polluted my picture tube.

Simply put, this tune was a puerile piece of dog excrement, and the video stunk, too; their dance moves were wretched.

It's safe to say that I happy when this so-called band failed to make it in America.

MY HEART WILL GO ON, CELINE DION

Let me state right from the start that I personally have nothing against this singer from Montreal, Quebec; I'm sure she's a perfectly pleasant lady. However...

This sludgy pile of sap from the soundtrack of the Oscar-winning classic "Titanic" was clearly the worst song of the 1990s in my view. It seemed to me as if this was on the radio, MTV, and all the video channels at least 15 times a day; I'm sure I was far from the only one who grew sick and tired of this song and Celine's opera-musak style.

I've always told people that if I heard "You're here..." one more time, I would scream in utter frustration. This dirge is much too sappy for my taste, and nothing personal, but so is the style of the woman who sang it.

GIRL YOU KNOW ITS TRUE, MILLI VANILLI

Even if Rob Pilatus and Fabrice Morvan had done the vocals on this cut, I still would have considered this a nasty piece of swill.

Indeed, I and many others felt that this ultimate compilation of producer Frank Farian's was a lame waste of sound even before it was discovered that the voices on their songs were not Rob's and Fab's, and this little ditty was their worst in my book.

How in the world could you take anything that this Silly Vanilli pair did seriously, much less this load of crapola, when all they did was do some stupid dances in dreadlocks and tight spandex to synthesizers and drum machines?

It's a good thing that the Grammys realized their mistake when they forced them to return their Best New Artist award.

"Positive Energy" - Yeah, right!

I know I was among the countless folks who did some celebrating when all of that came down, because it meant I wouldn't even have to hear that noise again.

It was a shame that Rob committed suicide, though; I hope he rests in peace.

OK good people, here's what I have picked as the single worst song of the past forty years, and perhaps ever:

MACARENA, LOS DEL RIO

The following statement to going to be in very succinct terms...

"Macarena" was the dorkiest, dweebiest, most putrid song ever recorded, which supported the dorkiest, dweebiest, most putrid dance ever invented.

I remember when I was a camp counselor around the time this horrible excuse for music was, incredibly, an actual hit. Like fingernails scratching a blackboard, I was emotionally brutalized by this terrible noise every morning when it was played for the campers and felt like God was torturing me because of something that I did in a past life.

I am positive that people who enjoyed this doo-doo and danced that extremely lamest of dances are looking back and saying with embarrassment, "What the bloody hell was I thinking?!"

Those two middle-aged guys who dared to bring this pollution to these United States should have given long prison sentences for this heinous crime; this song blew, and that's all I'm going to say about that, lest I get further traumatized by the memory.

If these so-called tunes brought back bad memories, let me offer my sincere apologies.

I also apologize if anybody who liked any of these songs were offended here. Just keep in mind that these bashings are strictly my views and opinions; disagreements and defenses of these sound travesties are more than welcome.

It's most unfortunate that musical noise like these tunes, which were all hits to some degree and went gold and platinum, existed - it just goes to show that there is no figuring out some people's tastes.

Where's Bob Dylan and Joni Mitchell when you need them?



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1 comment

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DJ Funktual 6 years ago from One Nation Under a Groove

Comparing Bob Dylan and Joni Mitchell to these obvious catastrophes, no wonder you got no comments. You are shooting fish in a barrel here pal.

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