The Walking Dead: Worst Show Ever!

It's Sunday again. Tonight I will be forced to watch that awful show on AMC, The Walking Dead. Seriously, I'm not sure why I let my friend and husband tune the TV to AMC each week. It's like some sort of torture. Here I am, minding my own business, when suddenly my eyeballs are glued to an hour of non-zombie killing action.

I wish James T. Kirkman had thought of something else to do. Come on, Cap'n. Zombies? Really? I remember back in the day when these evening soap operas had real character. I spent quite a bit of time coloring while Dynasty and that other show, what was it...Knot's Landing...caused my mom and her friends to blank out for an evening.

Now it's zombies. You have a group of survivors running around the countryside trying to stay alive. None of them have the sense to stop using guns after seeing that zombies are drawn to noise. They're all like, “Hey, those zombies seem to follow noise. Anyone have a bigger gun? No? What about a few airhorns?”

Yep.

As far as I can see, the only character with sense is the kid. So he had a run in with a zombie after taking Daryl's gun? Big deal, he learned quick. Everyone was all sad and stuff because Dale bit it (see what I did there?) after Carl's zombie made an appearance on the farm. Good riddance. Dale was about as much fun as a soggy hamburger bun and had less taste (see what I did there?).

Carl learned a hard lesson that none of the other idiots picked up on. Make a mistake and someone else dies. Read that again and pay attention. Not, make a mistake and YOU die, but someone else dies. This is a fun world where you don't pay for your stupid decisions. Instead, someone else will be turned into zombie snackage. COOL!

Don't believe me? Let's take a look at the 'mistakes' so far and the consequences:

Lori gets freaky with Shane

Ok, so many people watching this went into literal cyber-seizures over this one. WHY? Shane thought the hospital that Rick was rotting in had been totally over-run. Oh, wait...it HAD been over-run. Did you see the amount of dead in the parking lot? Copious amounts of blood used as freaking finger paint on the walls? If you had a horde of zombies on your tail and your best friend was lying in a coma, not answering your calls, without a strong pulse – wouldn't you assume the worst? If you say you'd drag his/her heavy body out with you, you're a liar or an idiot. 150+ pounds of dead weight isn't going to help you run from a horde of hungry dead out to eat you – and not in that happy way you'd like to have happen.

Shane and Lori used each other for comfort. For something to hang on to from their former life. For that, Shane ended up dead. Rick never wanted to kill the guy. Shane lost his mind, but who contributed to that? EVERYONE. Especially Lori. If anyone deserved to be taken out, it was her. I wish they had smoked that hussy in the first season. Lori looked upon this thing with Shane as a mistake she made, so she was convinced Shane had to die. There wasn't anything else behind her motives other than wiping out her mistake.

Rick's Misplaced Sense Of Good vs Bad

Rick wanted to be the 'Good Guy' and Merle paid the price. We're all aware that racism is bad. Nazi types aren't welcome in most homes, but chaining someone to a hot roof in the middle of the summer isn't the answer. Maybe he would have hurt them all, maybe he wouldn't have. Either way – he had to saw off his own hand because of Rick's mistake. I think that knocking the guy out and running away would have been a better answer. Then again, when you have handcuffs and a misplaced sense of 'I am the law', you can do whatever you want after the fall of humanity.

The list can go on and on.

The point is, no matter what you do, someone else gets stuck with the fall-out. I'm still trying to figure out how they're going to get Daryl and Carol to get freaky. Is anyone else put off by the whole “OMG I'm a squirrel/zombie/human killing badazz, yet I'm a'skeert of touchin' a woman” thing? REALLY? You have to be kidding me. It's the end of the ever-loving world and Daryl is acting like a scared virgin. Please, oh, please don't leave 50 comments about how he is afraid of his feelings, he wants to not hurt Carol, blah blah blah. If you've watched the series, then you can see Carol isn't worried about being hurt. I'm pretty sure she would break that boy if he gave her a chance. Break him like a horse. Yeehaaa, Carol!

Another thing – can someone please tell me where the heck Andrea is getting the implants from? The make up? This season they're all a bit dirtier than last, but did it really take 9 months for them to find a change of clothes? To grow a 5'o'clock shadow? Maybe I am a bit jaded by all of the Resident Evil movies where Alice seemed to have a make-up studio in her purse.

Hey, directors, make-up artists – just have them all roll around on the ground for a bit. If they get clean, at least show us where they TALK about going to the river/lake/pond to wash up. We're not even going to talk about boob jobs, because who is doing the surgeries? Hershel? While I don't doubt the man has experience with animal teats, do we really want to go there?

I've decided this is going to have to be a series. There's just too much wrongness in the show for me to cover in one article. I haven't even touched on the anticipation of Michonne, the salivating of rabid fans on Merle's return.

I can't help it. I have to talk about that little tidbit now. Both tidbits. You could say I am double-dipping into the not-so yummy-goodness of LET-DOWNs.

Michonne was the butt-kicking, sword wielding, destroyer of zombies, and all 'round promise of AWESOMENESS. What we got – darn near mute katana swinging chick that gave in without a fight to Merle. Ol' Stubby himself captured Michonne and Miss Implants with a sentence or two. Yeah, go AMC! Way to advocate feminism.

Then again, I guess you could say that in a roundabout way they are advocating for the disabled butt-kickers out there. That's wonderful. I'm all about disabilities, my daughter has autism and I have an immune disease plus a fun new disorder I'll Hub about one day. I can bet you my little autistic-biscuit could down more zombies than these characters.

Don't say that's B.S., because they're fictional, she isn't. Neener.

So yeah, tonight I'll be minding my own business and the folks here will tune in to AMC. To watch the WORST ZOMBIE SERIES EVER. I'll watch everyone sit around and discuss their feelings and hope for 5 minutes of action between the 45 minutes of commercials. You know the worst thing? I don't have anything to mix with my rum.

(I guess I should take the time to point out that this is satire. While many people will get that, for many others TWD=SRS BIDNESS)