The World's Scariest Bunnies
Lately I have been noticing the population of scary bunnies has been growing at alarming rates. I know what you're thinking, "Bunnies are not scary" but that's probably because you haven't seen any of the bunnies I am about to mention. They are absolutely terrifying and they are taking the media world by storm...
The Easter Bunny
How can I write an article on scary bunnies without giving an homage to the grandaddy of all scary bunnies, the Easter Bunny himself? I don't think I can. Think about it. He hops all around the world taking suspicious photos with children for very ambiguous reasons. What does the Easter Bunny do again? And why are we claiming him as part of a Jesus-based holiday when he's actually a Pagan myth? I don't know... all I know is that every time he shows up there's something a little unsettling about him. Perhaps it's because his favorite food is human babies as seen here...
Some children intuitively know this little secret about the Easter Bunny but I'm afraid it might be a little too late for them...
And it is better off for everyone if you, as an adult, fully accept the fact that an Easter Bunny standing alone on the streets is really scary... You might not be able to pin down why but I'm pretty sure you're lying if you say you can look at these next bunnies without getting the heebie jeebies. "What is he up to...? Why is there a 6 foot tall anthropomorphic bunny walking through Detroit?"
And if none of that convinces you then maybe the fact the Easter bunny is a total social freak might... look at this one sniff his own hand. Who does that?! "Mmmm jelly bean paws." Even the poor child is unamused.
The Monty Python & the Holy Grail Bunny
The Monty Python bunny is one of the best scary bunnies out there because at first it just looks like an adorable white fluffball but then WHAM! It turns into a killer beast flying through the air and slaughtering many knights. Respect.
The Donnie Darko Bunny
The Donnie Darko Bunny is one that actually got my curiosity. Through the whole movie I kept wondering if "Frank" the bunny was some sort o weird artistic statement, a hallucination, or....? And why was he so freaky? Frank wasn't a cute and fluffy bunny, he was downright terrifying...
The Critters Bunny
I have to admit the Easter Bunny in critters did psychological damage to me when at the age of four I saw it being violently eaten by these little monsters. I remember I never liked opening the closet, the lids of pans, or walking through dark places after that movie and the Easter Bunny was what really took it home. Those little bastards ate the Easter Bunny! They must be some sort of new super evil. Then again this might be why I have no actual memories of taking photos with the Easter Bunny or going on egg hunts... or really anything Easter Bunny related. Maybe I knew the truth. He's dead - and the critters ate him.
Squint the Ice Age Bunny
I can only imagine the glee that the animators of Ice Age: Continental Drift must have felt when they read the script for the first time. "Wait! We get to animate creature pirates?? Can one be a bunny?! One HAS to be a bunny!" I have no idea why anyone thought bunnies would make good pirates but Squint does a damned good job at it! He's feisty, energetic, some might even say totally psychotic. And what's better is his dashingly bad looks. With tufty eyebrows, sharpened buck teeth, and gnarled unkempt hair this bunny has a face even a mother couldn't love. I can see the pride in his design, perhaps a little too much. I think I may have jumped the first time I saw his terrifying little face. I may have heard a voice in my head screaming, "Dear god! Why is this on a children's movie?!" And then I saw another character in the background that seemed to be the ungodly mix of a kangaroos body with the head of zombie rabbit. Still have no idea what or who that was but both these horrifying creatures can be seen as peripheral characters bouncing in and out of Captain Gutt's big singing scene below.
David Lynch's Rabbits
Never have six foot tall anthropomorphic bunnies been soooo... depressing, as in David Lynch's play Rabbits. Besides being depressing they're also creepy. In fact they are so unnerving that avaunt guard psychologists are using them to make test subjects uncomfortable. I tried watching the whole thing but the music sounds like a constipated elephant and when the bunnies start wailing and caterwauling... well, I just felt like I was being a pervvy voyeur watching something from an alien planet. Besides, for being a "live performance" these bunnies seemed remarkably... not life-like. My attention span cannot hold that long! And yet, these are still by far the creepiest bunnies I have found so far.
Apparently the artistically inclined love scary bunnies. In fact they make them all the time for sale and if you're as weird as me all you have to do is occasionally swing by and type in "scary bunny" in the search box to see what I mean. I've seen some real doozies but sadly didn't save the photos... but here's the creepiest one I found today.
The End of Bunny
Maybe you'd like to see the scary bunnies volunteer to off themselves. We can almost grant that wish, the only catch would be these bunnies aren't scary at all - they're cute, fluffy, and ever so clever. In fact they're super serious about finding new and clever ways to end it all. They provide us all with a wonderfully perverse sense of entertainment. Heck, leave a copy of The Book of Bunny Suicides on your coffee table and you're practically endorsing bunny snuff comics. PETA is so going to hate you!
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