The Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen
Bad Movies - They're Everywhere!
Welcome to my hub on bad movies. The only issue with a list of bad movies is that there are so many of them that it's usually hard to narrow things down to the absolute worst. (It really is an embarrassment of riches.) Moreover, current movies will often land on someone's list, if only for the reason that they are fresh in one's memory as opposed to being really terrible.
That said, I've gathered together a list of movies that were the first to pop into my brain when I thought "bad movies." However, I've tried to keep this list fresh by staying away from movies that traditional make every "worst movies list," like Plan 9 From Outer Space. They aren't in any particular order, but some will no doubt seem worse than others. Enjoy!
Inspired by a series of trading cards from the 1960s, it actually pains me to put this film on my list because I'm a huge fan of the director, Tim Burton (Beetlejuice; Batman; Charlie and the Chocolate Factory; Alice in Wonderland). Nevertheless, each film has to stand on its on, and thankfully, Tim burton's legacy is unlikely to be too tarnished by this stinker.
In simple terms, an armada of flying saucers from Mars surrounds Earth. Although, it is initially believed that the aliens come in peace, they quickly prove otherwise by going on the attack. While you might say that doesn't sound like a terrible plot, the movie somehow took that simple premise and made it both stupid and hard to watch. The Martians themselves just seemed ridiculous to me, as if the entire invasion were a joke to them. (Which it may have been, in light of the gruesome experiments they performed, like attaching human heads to the bodies of dogs.)
In short, I hated this movie so much that even today, "Mars Attacks!" has become my catchphrase and shorthand for anything I dislike:
Q: What did you think about that new Sly Stallone movie?
A: Mars Attacks...
Q: How do you like that new restaurant?
A: It's the food equivalent of Mars Attacks!
Q: Did you read his new book?
A: Yes. It's like a novelization of Mars Attacks!
Tim Burton Movies
In a post-apocalyptic future, nations settle disputes via one-on-one combat as opposed to armies going to war. This prevents massive loss of life and devastating atomic warfare. Moreover, these gladiatorial fights take place between men controlling giant robots.
The plot itself doesn't sound too bad, but the execution is horrible. The actors are like cardboard, the special effects are cheesy, and the movie is completely predictable. What's worse, at the time I first saw this movie, it was in heavy rotation on one of the movie channels I received at the time - HBO, I think. It was as if every time they had a 90-minute gap in their schedule, they'd shove this piece of cinematic garbage into it - like it was some kind of classic!
No Retreat No Surrender
Looking at the poster to the right, you'd think this was a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, but it really isn't. If I remember correctly, he only has two short scenes and doesn't speak in either of them. Just based on that fact alone you might think this movie had something actually going for it, but no.
It's a terrible movie from front to back. It's a typical plot that's the basis of about 10 movies a year: an underdog who has no real chance of winning has to fight and best a superior rival. Sound familiar? (Rocky, Karate Kid, etc.)
Aside from the terrible acting, weak dialogue and tepid plot, what actually drove me insane during this cheesy flick was something you rarely hear complained about regarding movies - the film editing. It was a complete mess! Characters would just jump all over the screen (rather than walk from one place to another), appear and disappear, etc. It made it hard to follow the action, to say the least. Later I learned that there were actually two versions of this film released, and one was more like a demo, which is probably the one I saw. (At least that's what I hope. I'd hate to think what I saw was the better of the two versions they released.)
Oh yeah, that kid in the poster's background? That's the star of the movie. Of course, JCVD went on from this to become a bigger star (I was tempted to say "big star," but let's be honest) so now he's more prominent in the marketing materials.
Mars Needs Women
Just in case you're suffering from insomnia, here's a complete cure-all. (I'm getting sleepy just talking about it...) This dud from 1967 stars Tommy Kirk as one of several aliens from Mars on a mission to find women to breed with. (Mars is apparently having some kind of genetic issue, with only males being born.) Don't get me wrong, Tommy Kirk was always a likeable actor, from his starring roles in Old Yeller to The Shaggy Dog and more. However, this was his second time as an alien chasing skirts on Earth (the first time was in an unrelated film, Pajama Party), so maybe he was tired of it and phoned it in. I can only assume Tommy was in it for the money, and the producers wanted to use his name to drum up ticket sales (good luck with that).
Regardless, it's a stupid, stupid movie all the way through in terms of plot, acting, dialogue. For instance, with Martians supposedly on their way to kidnap our females, you find people going about their business as usual. No "Stay in your homes" announcements, no declarations of martial law, no messages over the Emergency Broadcast System, etc. Nobody behaved rationally in this film.
The movie itself was filmed in two weeks in Houston and Dallas. Moreover, per Wikipedia: "Due to poor lighting, parts of the film were made by undercranking the camera and having the actors move more slowly, sometimes shooting at 18 or 12 frames per second instead of the usual 24." If your actors can't even move in real-time, it's a hint-and-a-half that your movie is likely to be awful.
As I said, if you're having trouble sleeping - or having a Mystery Science Theater party - this is perfect. If you're looking for something that'll hold your interest a little more, try Plan 9 from Outer Space or Howard the Duck.
This has to be one of the few films I've ever considered to be a complete, absolute and utter waste of time. In short, a tire comes to life - yes a car tire - with telekinetic powers, and kills people (and just about anything else it encounters).
Yes, it's stupid, but the producers try to get the audience not to question anything about the film by having an opening sequence in which a lawman crawls out of the trunk of a car and explains that lots of things happen in films for "no reason," so - in other words - we should just be accepting of all the nonsense we see in the movie and simply ignore that horrific stench coming from the screen when watching this stinker.
The only thing I'm grateful for with respect to this movie is that it's a foreign film (purportedly considered a French comedy) as opposed to being domestic.
Surf Nazis Must Die
This is kind of like the opposite of the Smucker's theme: With a name like "Surf Nazis Must Die," it has to be bad..." But not just plain bad, or what-a-terrible-movie bad. You'll be trying to score some roofies to forget you saw this one.
Anyway, this is a film from Troma Entertainment, the studio responsible for such timeless classics as The Toxic Avenger and Cannibal! The Musical (which really should tell you all you need to know). It's set in the future when some surfing Nazis rule the beaches. They kill a man who tries to stop them from hurting someone, and his mother goes on the warpath against them.
As with most bad movies, it's just horrific all the way around: plot, acting, dialogue, etc. (On the other hand, it really is what you'd expect from a Troma film, but it's crappy even by those standards, which is saying a lot.) The only good thing I can say about this film is that I went into a convulsive fit of laughter when I saw that there was a Directior's Cut of this movie. A Director's Cut! Why would you even bother?
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