Things NOT To Do At The Opera

This pretty girl "is" an opera singer

and personally, I am not  an opera fan, but with her singing those haunting solo's, I would listen to her "until the cows came home."
and personally, I am not an opera fan, but with her singing those haunting solo's, I would listen to her "until the cows came home."

More Classic Opera Singers

Claudine Boons
Claudine Boons
Georges Baklanoff
Georges Baklanoff
Kirsten Flagstad
Kirsten Flagstad
Louis Morrisson
Louis Morrisson
Mariano Stabile
Mariano Stabile
Rene Gilly
Rene Gilly
Selma Kurz
Selma Kurz
(Vintage) male opera singer
(Vintage) male opera singer
(Vintage) woman opera singer
(Vintage) woman opera singer
Ocean liners were once "the" mode of transportation for opera singers who traveled the world to share their talents of opera singing.
Ocean liners were once "the" mode of transportation for opera singers who traveled the world to share their talents of opera singing.

Are you an opera fan? I'm not talking about The Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, Tennessee, but the opera singers who perform in London, Philadelphia, and Carnegie Hall in New York City.

These people, the opera singers, can sing, buddy. They can reach notes so high that the audience gets dizzy. And opera singers, make no mistake, work hard to keep their talents sharp and crisp. Opera singing, simply put, is one of the toughest jobs in the world.

Talk about voice training? Opera singers are trained by the "masters" of the human voice and music tone. These teachers can be compared to the drill instructors of the Marine Corps. They want perfection from their students. And who can blame them. Opera and opera singers have been around for eons of time. Opera is a highly-respected art form. But not everyone has a cultivated taste for opera. I don't. And that's not a knock on opera singers, it's just that I do not have a desire to attend an opera or listen for hours to people singing in a foreign language who tell their story in notes and lyrics that I do not understand.

Visit New York City sometime. Then, because I've asked you, attend an opera and it won't be long before you know what I am talking about. Only the elite, upper-crust of society are seen at opera's. Not guys like me. And you if you are not an opera fan. I do not have clothes fit to wear to a swanky affair such as an opera. Just look around. See the men in expensive tuxedo's and spats on their shoes? And the top hats too. What a gala event. The ladies on these gent's arms all wear expensive evening gowns, furs, and more pearls on their neck than one Hawaiian diver can collect in a year. I cannot stand the murdering of innocent animals just so some lady of taste will look better than her high-nosed friends.

Opera is definitely not for me. I am a common man. I have common friends. I used to tell these guys that my definition of "Hades," was being trapped in huge opera house for eternity to be forced to listen to one confusing, nerve-racking operetta after another. That is punishment to someone like me who has no cultural education or a degree in graceful appearances.

And if you, my non-opera-liking friend, do take my advice and fly to New York City and attend an opera, there are some things that you need to know. Things while you are watching this "organized chaos," on stage called opera, that you should not do. At any cost.

Because if you do any of the following things, a security guard dressed in a tux and with a voice like James Earl Jones will whisper in your ear, "I think you should leave. Follow me. Now." And you will. Follow him outside. Gladly.

So remember these "Things Not to Do While at The Opera"

1.) Don't yell, "Go, Minnesota Vikings," when a lady with a hat with horns walks on stage.

2.) Don't sneeze on anyone. Just the scornful looks from the elite opera fans would kill a charging lion.

3.) Don't talk to anyone. Even if they ask the time. Pretend you are deaf. Elite opera fans cannot stand anyone behind or beside them who whisper. They think that they are the only people allowed to speak in the world.

4.) Try not to hum, "Lovesick Blues," by Hank Williams, Sr. Although this song can beat opera any day of the week, you don't want to be thrown out in the streets. People might see you coming out of an opera house and call you sissy names.

5.) Do not yell for the peanut and beer vendors.

6.) Do not put your feet on the back of the person's seat in front of you. Elite opera fans do not have foot odor. Didn't you know they are all born without odor of any kind?

7.) Do not snore if you fall asleep. Carry one of those jaw expander's they advertise on television for sleep apnea sufferers. If you feel a snooze coming on, and you will, silently insert the jaw expander in your mouth and sleep like a baby.

8.) Do not "bootleg" a pint of whiskey inside your pants to sip during the opera. This is barbaric, uncultured and besides, the correct place to sneak-in your whiskey is your inside suit pocket. You will be wearing a suit I hope.

9.) Do not take a pocket full of roasted peanuts inside the opera to eat. The shells on the floor make an annoying scratching sound when opera fans around you begin to leave due to you eating the peanuts in the first place. Hey, on second thought, eat roasted peanuts in the audience. That way you will have some measure of peace.

10.) Do not, for any reason, ask anyone near you, "what was it that big woman with horns just said?" Oh the hateful looks you will get. Just be as quiet as you can and things will be fine.

11.) Leave your cellphone in your motel room. One thing you don't need is unwanted attention. And answering a cellphone with, "hey, you old fool, what's up?" will get your escorted to the theatre exit.

12.) Do not think of a funny joke, such as this story, and burst into laughter. This move might interrupt other opera fans who love to listen to words they cannot pronounce. I say take a sinus pill before you go to the opera. "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of not getting cursed out," I always say.

13.) Do not try to "dip" Skoal and silently spit into a styrofoam cup. Talk about obnoxious. The sight of tobacco juice dripping down your chin will simply make some lofty-thinking lady of class faint on the spot.

You are all set. You have my list of things that you cannot do at any opera, so just remember to rent a good-looking tux, buy yourself some breath spray and have a ball at the opera.

Oh, and when someone sitting near you asks, "my dear uneducated man, where pray tell are your shoes," don't be offended. You simply forgot to take off your muddy lumberjack work boots and wear your black patent leather slippers.

Now you are equipped to sit through any opera and survive the lowest of bass and highest of tenor singers . . . "until the fat lady sings."

Opera fans, for more information

This is NOT an opera singer

but an object-lesson on how opera singers have to be able to really open their mouths and really let those high-notes fill the air.
but an object-lesson on how opera singers have to be able to really open their mouths and really let those high-notes fill the air.

More by this Author


Comments 24 comments

internpete profile image

internpete 4 years ago from At the Beach in Florida

Great hub, Made me laugh a few times! One of my uncles actually used to be an opera singer. It goes without saying he has an amazing voice. His kids (my cousins) also are very good singers. I can remember my uncle singing various songs when I was a kid and it still amazes me how fast and how well he could sing. nice hub!


PurvisBobbi44 profile image

PurvisBobbi44 4 years ago from Florida

Kenneth,

You are the funniest man on HP, why aren't you on You Tube? Whenever, I need a laugh I look for one of your hubs, for my needed laught fix.

No wonder you are so popular.

Thanks for the smile and laughing fit.

Your Hub Friend,

Bobbi


Debra Emerson 4 years ago

Kenny,

You made me as I was reading it. Good Job!!


Giselle Maine 4 years ago

Bobbi, I agree! Kenneth's hubs are an instant mood-lifter! Kenneth, I loved tip #1.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Kenneth, all I can say is you are sooooo funny! Thanks for my daily laugh!


tirelesstraveler profile image

tirelesstraveler 4 years ago from California

LoL! Hauled to operas as a child,for field trips, gave me some appreciation for the music. My father negated all that appreciation by playing opera on the car radio when we went skiing once.


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 4 years ago

This hub hits a hilarious high note! I like the idea of a sinus pill to avoid the snoring that is a natural side effect - OF THE OPERA..lol..

excuse me while i gauchely snort with laughter...


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, internpete,

Thank YOU, my friend, for sharing your personal operatic experiences. I feel the same way about when I was a kid I was made to go places I hated. But my dad never played opera on the car radio. This is so new to me, your opera on radio comment. I appreciate you taking time to not only read this, but share that with us.

And sincerely, I wish I had a voice like these singers.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Bobbi,

Thank YOU so much for liking my opera hub. I know only two opera terms: "Figaro," and "falsetto." Are you impressed? And the reason I am not on YouTube is I DONT KNOW how to get on there. Do you have any easy instructions? I know you have to have a video to post and a camera, so I guess buying a video camera is in order, huh?

Please email me if you know an easier way and I WILL DO IT just for YOU!

You have always, and Im serious, been one of my most-devoted followers. I love that. And LOVE all of my great followers. I wish I could take YOU and all of my HubPages followers to Hawaii for a month all on my American Express card. "I" would be the one with a "high" for making a lot of people happy. Honest.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Debra,

Thank YOU sincerely. Im glad I made you laugh. That is my goal to make YOU and all of my followers forget their troubles, if only for one moment, and smile.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Giselle,

Thank YOU for your warm comment, but rememember, YOUR HUBS do that too, and you taught he how to make a color text box which I need to start using again.

You have a safe and happy day, Giselle. It was so nice to read you again.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, catgysy,

Thank you for your super-nice comment and making you laugh. I feel good now.

Kenneth and Festus.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, tirelesstraveler, I appreciate your comment about people in your family singing opera, but I messed up and was thinking of your dad playing opera on the car radio and thought it was internpete. I apologize. My bad and bad is right. I do mean my sentence that I do wish I had the voice for this style of singing. Or any singing for that matter. Opera singers are actually rock stars of the cultural world. Bravo!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

ImKarn . . .no, thank YOU, for your nice comment. I have a good supply of sinus pills for when I get up to New York to see an opera, but now I have to lease a tux, then shoes after that . . .this could take awhile. But sinus pills are a start.

You didnt hurt yourself laughing, I hope.

Kenneth


PurvisBobbi44 profile image

PurvisBobbi44 4 years ago from Florida

Kenneth,

Movie/video/DVD cameras are not that expensive anymore. My Sony camera will make videos.

Check at Walgreen's and ask about upcoming sales and Wal-Mart’s. Walgreen's might be the best bet as Wal-Mart buys in cargo lots and they have long shelf lives.

I know I got a laptop from them once and it was two years old when I got it new---so watch when you buy there.

Also you will want to put your AdSense on you video as soon as Google will let you.

First, do your research on this because people will love what you have to say.

I just did a video of my Azaleas---I was probably the only one who liked it.

You take care and I cannot wait for your next Hub.

Your Hub Friend,

Bobbi


Giselle Maine 4 years ago

Kenneth - I liked what Bobbi had to say about making movies. I wanted to assure that odds are you probably won't have to buy any equipment - most digital cameras (even if it's many years old) have video-making capability. The camera that took your profile pic probably can make videos too, I bet. If you already know how to transfer pics from your camera to your computer, then the process would be exactly the same for videos you took on that same camera. You still have to get the video uploaded onto YouTube (or onto Hubpages in the Video format!), but you don't need extra equipment for that.

I have noticed the younger generation are really good at knowing about how to take videos with your camera, so you could probably show your granddaughter your digital camera and ask her if it can take videos, and how to do it.


Ruchira profile image

Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

a very funny hub, kenneth.

I love opera but have not been able to go to one 'cause of my kid...now these wonderful pointers, which are funny should not be in my mind 'cause they will definitely make me giggle...lol

voted up as funny!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Bobbi,

Thank you so much for the video info. I will truly put this to serious thought. And even, if I get it finished, mention YOU, Giselle, and more of my Hub Friends who have blessed my life more than I can put into proper words. I promise.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Giselle,

Okay then. I will talk to my granddaughter, Alexis, in the photo, for she and her mom, my daughter are computer freaks. Im sure that the phone they used will do the trick. Thanks to YOU and Bobbi, for the needed-help. I have already got a video plan in my mind--totally unrehearsed, live as it happens. No scripts. And see where it goes.

Thank you two girls for the help.

I love you both!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Ruchira,

First, thank you for your comments. Second, from all the reports on CNN and movies Ive seen about opera, only the elite attend these functions. And thats cool. Even if I could afford a ticket, THESE TIPS should be honored. There is nothing more hurtful than to be scorned by an upper-crust, old money madam and gentleman with a monacle. Ouch!

Visit with me often. Deal?

Kenneth


thom w conroy profile image

thom w conroy 4 years ago

No hot roasted peanuts and cold beer? Must have been invented by Commies. Cool hub Kenneth!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

thom . . .LOL, what a line! Steven Wright would be proud. I agree. "Red Commies and Opera,": two forces that threaten the free world. And the south included.

Thanks again. I appreciate your comment. Come back and visit me again.

Kenneth


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 4 years ago from New York

"Opera is a highly-respected art form. " That being said, you are right, unfortnately opera is for the rich. Your hub so vibrantly points that out and explains why. Your humor goes everywhere and does it in style! It is impossible to read one of your hubs without smiling and sometimes down right laughing out loud! Another brilliant hub by Ken Avery.

Voted up, funny, awesome and interesting.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, sweet, kind, and lovely tillsontitan!

Long time, no you! Thanks for your kind comments on this hub. And if I have made YOU laugh, then I can sleep at night. I value YOUR input, friendship and following so much that I wish I could visit the Big Apple and let YOU buy me a few cups of coffee. Of course I would repay you on the day that I become a wealthy author. Think Im kidding? Just wait and see. Then to New York I will go. Thanks again, dear friend, for just being YOU.

Kenneth

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