50 Things You Did Not Know About Zombies

Introduction

We have all seen them, shambling mounds of deranged former humans devouring the flesh of the living. They travel in hordes ever ready to attack the living. Some have limbs missing, others have jagged broken teeth. Reality is this simple creature known as the zombie is misunderstood. I am going to list a few facts about our gentle friend you may not know.

These facts were collected by dedicated men and women and some zombies that were unidentifiable but very cooperative. Each fact comes from at least 7 minutes of hard work and labor. We must express that you take the warnings in this text serious, Heaven forbid you disprove one of these facts and we have to hunt you down and.... well, never mind that. Just be careful when dealing with zombies.

Do you know?

How You Gonna Do It?

How will you kill a zombie

  • With kindness, God love them.
  • With grandma's Christmas fruitcake, haha
  • A nice beating with a can of spam followed by a detailed back rub
  • I would just light them on fire and watch them run into Bob's house.
  • The traditional way.... with sausage.
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The truth

Most zombies are not that bad at all. In fact they are simple creatures full of wonderment.

  1. Zombies find zombie films distasteful and demeaning. They feel the media has wrongfully persecuted them.
  2. Almost every zombie registers to vote but refuses to do so due to a lack of communication within parties. It is estimated with the tea party mentality more zombies will show up at the poles this year!
  3. If you read Judy Blume books to a zombie it will purr like a walrus and then recite greek poetry to you in it's natural language. This can be rather relaxing.
  4. Zombies prefer a diet of tofu and greens as opposed to flesh. They have never moaned brains, it was misinterpreted. The real moan was grains!
  5. All zombies carry at least 100 dollars in monopoly money.
  6. Zombie dogs are not dogs at all, nor are they zombies. The typical zombie dog is nothing more than an Alabama grease rat.
  7. Zombies are major fans of Justin Beiber and will listen to him for days. Some scientist estimate that this is why they may be a little slow.
  8. Many zombies find Max Brook's books to be humorous and insightful, but hate the movies his famous father made.
  9. On the original Night of the Living Dead a zombie acted as corrospondant but he was drunk so all of the zombie lines sound distorted, shame shame shame.
  10. If you offer a zombie tea it must be earl grey and must have at least one lemon or they will become irate and speak illy of your drapes.
  11. Even zombies hate bagpipes.
  12. Andy Dick was denied entry into the zombie union, they said he smelled to bad.
  13. All zombies like to play four square but they call it grrrrrrrrrr.
  14. If you shake hands with a zombie and the hand falls off, you get to keep it.
  15. Never whistle at a zombie girl, they find it in poor taste and will eat your soul.
  16. Zombie board games are usually made up of random pieces of human bodies and for some reason always contain a Paris Hilton photograph
  17. A zombie in the hand is worth none in the bush
  18. If you see a zombie at morning, fellow take warning, if you see a zombie at night give it some cake and it will leave you alone.
  19. All zombies love axe body spray.
  20. Redbull does indeed give zombies wings, and flying zombies are way more dangerous than stumbling ones.
  21. Zombies play left for dead for hours on end.
  22. Even zombies are afraid of the old guy from Poltergeist 2. When he sings they get very scared and cuddle with their zombie teddy bears.
  23. Zombies dress as humans for Halloween.
  24. If you see a zombie barber, do not ask for a hair cut!
  25. For years people have been laughing at a zombie all the while never suspecting it. Yay for Jim Carrey.
  26. Dane Cook loves zombies.
  27. Zombies cannot use a can opener and therefore hate canned chili
  28. Even zombies are hungry 15 minutes after Chinese food.
  29. It is not polite to refer to a zombie as a zed, zigger, or zonkie. It hurts their feelings.
  30. Zombies will always love you for your brains.
  31. Zombies will totally own you at street fighter.
  32. Never play checkers with a zombie. They will always cheat and eat your pieces.
  33. Zombies never fail to leave a tip after eating a waiter.
  34. Zombies love Sam Adams in the morning
  35. Zombies don't always drink beer, but when they do they drink dos equis
  36. Zombies own several leather bound books.
  37. All zombies can break dance, they simply choose not to.
  38. Most zombies are pinball wizards
  39. zombies can indeed beat up your dad
  40. zombies can divide by 0
  41. zombie Chuck Norris is way cooler than real Chuck Norris
  42. A zombie can indeed beat a ninja, but cannot beat a fat chick at Wendys
  43. Even zombies think twilight is dumb
  44. If you throw a marshmallow at a zombie it will simply look at you as if you were stupid.
  45. Zombies collect various spools of thread
  46. Zombies refuse to play my coke rewards. They feel the prizes suck.
  47. All zombies have twitter accounts so they don't have to be on myspace
  48. zombies can out arm wrestle the most interesting man in the world
  49. most zombies are eager for the release of Britany Speares next album
  50. and finally, all zombies have a sense of humor!


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Comments 12 comments

Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

That's funny. I happen to know a bunch of zombies and they told me they thought Twilight was awesome. Oh wait, no... those were high school students. Similar in a lot of ways, but not quite the same. Great hub! Very informative.


lorddraven2000 profile image

lorddraven2000 5 years ago from Wheelwright KY Author

Thank you. I had a blast writing it.


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

LOL! haa ha ha haaaaa This is Zomtabuous! The only one I knew was they didn't like Twilight, but that was because they'd heard the saying "My Vampire beat up your Zombie" just one too many times! (lol@Jeannieinabottle too)

Great hub, must share with my Zombie, Paris Hilton loving friends! :) v-up -Kat


jpcmc profile image

jpcmc 4 years ago from Quezon CIty, Phlippines

I did not know these facts. Now I have more respect for the zombies. What do they do with spools of thread anyway? What is their position regarding Plants vs. Zombies - do they find it offensive?


lorddraven2000 profile image

lorddraven2000 4 years ago from Wheelwright KY Author

I would think they might enjoy it, well a little bit, lol.


James Peters profile image

James Peters 4 years ago from Hammond, Indiana

Coolest HUB I read yet...sweet.

Excellent.

Thumbs Up & Clicked EVERYTHING (that's a first)!!!

Write On!!!


lorddraven2000 profile image

lorddraven2000 4 years ago from Wheelwright KY Author

Thank you very much. I had a great time writing this one. Thought about doing a follow up.


lorddraven2000 profile image

lorddraven2000 4 years ago from Wheelwright KY Author

Oh yeah, lol


ZombieLoveChili 3 years ago

Interesting article. Hopefully you understand that in reality zombies love chili. We do see the humor in your can opener statement but if you open the can for them, Zombies go crazy for chili. http://www.zombieslovechili.com/


lorddraven2000 profile image

lorddraven2000 3 years ago from Wheelwright KY Author

lol, I am sure they will. This post made my day.


Bishop55 profile image

Bishop55 2 years ago from USA

Loved it! Love Zombies! This was really fun to read. Sharing!


Keylon 23 months ago

It's always a pleasure to hear from someone with expitrese.

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