Things that Cross the Road

Successful Attempts and Epic Fails

Has the following ever happened to you? Have you ever driven home, your heart racing and your knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel, and pull into your driveway, just to sit there for about ten minutes, the engine running, as you stare blindly at your garage door? And then you finally get out, feeling numb, and you go inside your house and get in the shower, not even bothering to take off your clothes first? And then you sit down in the bottom of the tub, hugging your knees to your chest, and you start rocking back and forth, while muttering, “Why? Oh, dear God, why? Why did the chicken cross the road?” Was it fate that placed that chicken under your tire? Was it just chaos, or a sequence of carefully planned events? Did you murder the chicken, or did the chicken commit suicide? Very deep questions. But none of the answers matter, really, because you’re scared to death and scarred for life. You’ve just murdered something. You go out and grab the garden hose, wash the undercarriage of your car and get rid of all the feathers and ketchup. You tell yourself it’s ketchup, because you don’t want to faint. But even after you get rid of all the evidence, you still feel like the chicken left some very noticeable damage. The entire front of your car looks caved in. You start to panic. What if someone notices? You make a hasty decision and drive your car over to the rock quarry, and then you put it in neutral, get out, and push the car over the edge and into the dark water, thus getting rid of the murder weapon. And then... (continued at the end)

Here’s a short list of different things that you might see crossing the road.

Chickens

Chickens cross the road, that’s a fact of life. It’s just that nobody knows why. There was this guy who climbed a really high mountain, just to talk to a hermit that lived in a cave up there. This hermit had been born in that cave and lived his entire life there, and he was very wise. He had the answer to everything. So the guy went to visit the hermit and the hermit offered him a bowl of soup. After he ate the soup, he asked the hermit why the chicken crossed the road. The hermit asked him what a chicken was. He’d never even seen a chicken, because the hermit was also blind, as well as very wise. The guy tried to describe what a chicken was to the hermit. A domestic fowl, usually with brown or black feathers and a fleshy crest on its head. The hermit shook his head and repeated his question. What is a chicken? The guy didn’t know how else to explain a chicken, so he was silent. A chicken is someone who is afraid, the hermit pointed out. If this chicken crossed the road, then it wasn’t showing fear, which wouldn’t make it a chicken at all, now would it? The guy couldn’t argue with that logic. And then he fell over dead, because the soup that the hermit had given him had been poisoned. Moral of the story? Don’t seek advice from hermits in caves, or you will be poisoned and the hermit will eat your remains.

Possums

Possums cross the road, even opossums. But unlike the chicken, if the possum thinks it’s going to get ran over, it’ll play dead. Why? Because it’s smart. It knows that people swerve to avoid hitting dead things in the road, whereas they only slow down when they see something that’s alive. It’ll play dead in the middle of the road, and then it’ll get back up and finish the crossing after traffic has cleared.

Deer

Deer are very unpredictable. If they see a vehicle approaching, they’ll stand still for a moment, and then they’ll start running parallel to the road. Why? I don’t know, I’m not a deer. But at that moment that the deer and the vehicle are neck-to-neck, that deer will try to cross the road. It sees the danger, and yet it still decides to leave the safety of the side of the road to try and dash to the other side. I think it’s because deer panic. They see you driving on their side of the road, so they try to get over to the other side where you’re not driving, but they do it at the worst possible time. And sometimes they don’t make it. They’re horrible decision makers. And then there’s those deer that just stand in the middle of the road and stare into the headlights of oncoming vehicles with wide eyes. They’re standing there, trying to remember what they’re supposed to do in that situation. Finally, they just get out of the way, feeling all awkward and embarrassed. I think it’s the same feeling that people get when they’re sitting at a traffic light that’s turned green, but they haven’t noticed, and then the person behind them honks their horn, as if to say, “Hey, idiot. It’s green. Get the hell out of my way.” And then that person realizes their mistake and takes off, feeling all sheepish. Or deerish, I should say, because sheep don’t cross the road and won’t even have a mention in this article. I’m sure they cross the roads down in New Zealand or wherever they grow sheep, but not over here, so I don’t have to worry about that.

Turtles

Turtles cross the road. That’s a big decision for a turtle, because it knows that it’s going to take a couple of hours to get to the other side, so it makes damn sure that it wants to go over there. And that’s a couple of hours that the turtle will spend trying to dodge traffic. Like the possum, the turtle has a defense mechanism for escaping death on the road. It goes into its shell. Why? Because a turtle’s shell is like a bomb shelter. It can withstand anything. That’s what the turtle thinks, anyway. It can withstand a nuke. Have you ever looked in a turtle’s shell, before? It has bottled water in there, some MREs, a battery-operated radio---just whatever it’d need to survive a nuclear war. But that shell’s defenseless against a simple rubber tire with 32 pounds of air in it. One day, turtles will come out with a better shell. One that can shoot missiles at any vehicles that threaten to run over it. Maybe even surface to air missiles. Maybe it’ll even get Wi-Fi, so that it can surf the web. Maybe it’ll even be a Hybrid shell that’ll run on electricity, so that the turtle doesn’t actually have to use its legs to move.

Snails

Snails cross the road. The question naturally arises: why bother? It’d take some serious commitment for that snail to get to the other side. Maybe 3 years? By the time the snail makes it halfway across, that road might not even be there, anymore. It might get repaved. Turned into a four lane. Can you imagine how upset that snail would be, if it got halfway across a two lane road, only to find out that it’d been turned into a four lane road, and now the snail’s only a third of the way across? That’d suck. It keeps crossing and they keep adding lanes to the road, all the while the snail’s been hiding in small cracks in the asphalt to avoid getting ran over, but it never reaches the other side, because the road just keeps getting wider. It’s like a bad dream that just doesn’t end. And the snail’s fighting rain, and sleet, and snow, and cigarette butts, and it finally gets to the other side of the road, only to get eaten by a chicken that crossed the road in under ten seconds. And then the chicken runs back into the road and gets ran over, and then the snail crawls out of the chicken’s throat and starts the slow process of crossing the road again, more determined than ever. But that’s 3 years in the life of a snail.

Jaywalkers

Jaywalkers cross the road. A jaywalker is a person who crosses the road carelessly, instead of at a designated crossing lane. Sometimes jaywalkers get ran over. Why? Because they think they have what is called the right of way. They think that since they’re people and they’re walking, then vehicles should slow down and let them pass. This would be the case at the designated crossing place or at a pedestrian crosswalk. But what makes people think that they have the right of way against something that can run them over? If something much bigger then you is barreling in your direction, you do not have the right away. You have the right to die, that’s all you’ve got. You can’t get in the way of progress or machines with rapid acceleration. Maybe jaywalkers do it as a statement, like those people that lie down in front of tanks.

Trains

Trains cross the road. If you see one of these crossing the road in front of you, then you need to slow down and/or come to a complete stop, because these things do have the right of way. No one's ever successfully run over a train.

Vultures

Vultures don’t cross the road, they just eat the things that do. They don’t care why the chicken crossed the road, or the possum, or the deer, or the turtle, or the jaywalker. They don’t care too much for snails, because there’s really nothing tasty about a squished snail, and the vulture doesn’t want to go through the snail’s gooey remains and pick out the little pieces of broken shell. So the vulture is the only one who benefits from failed road crossings. Of course, there’s also some types of people that’ll stop and pick up a dead animal on the side of the road for eating purposes. And these are the same people that won’t pick up French fries that they find on the sidewalk. What’s the difference? I mean, really? Have you ever wondered why they put fast food restaurants on the side of the road? Maybe fast food is the road kill of modern eatery. Maybe they just want to place the restaurant as close as possible to the food source. I’m not saying that fast food is made of road kill. Those two things don’t even belong in the same sentence, because road kill is dead for the simple reason that it wasn’t fast enough. So that’s where vultures come in. They eat the things that try to cross the road and fail at doing so. They’re the road’s natural clean-up crew. Eating road kill since 1893.

...

(Continued) You make the long trudge home and finally arrive around 3 in the morning, covered in mud and your hair all messy. For the next couple of days, you read the newspaper, just to see if they mention the murder of any chickens. As time goes by, a week, two weeks, you begin to realize you just got away with it, and then you start to relax. No one even reported the chicken missing. It turns out, no one even really cared. And then you’re finally able to sleep like a baby, until one night, around midnight, you're awakened by a loud noise and you open your eyes, only to see that chicken standing over you, the one that you’d murdered. “Remember me?” the chicken asks, with angry eyes. And then it beats you to death in your own bed. Yes, it survived that brutal road crossing and had now come for its revenge. So has that ever happened to you? The whole running over a chicken, only to have it hunt you down and beat you to death thing? You might laugh at the idea, but I bet you won’t be laughing when you run over that chicken tomorrow. You’ll be thinking, “Crap! This can’t be happening. I just read about this. I hope that chicken doesn’t follow me home and murder me while I’m in my pajamas.” There’s a simple solution. Once you hit the chicken, stop the car, get out, and make sure that chicken’s dead. I don’t care if it’s still breathing. Cover it’s mouth and nose with your hand, and say, “Shh, little chicken. Go towards the light.” Otherwise, it’s going to track you down and pummel you to death in your own bed. Choke the chicken. That’s my advice. Nothing wrong with choking the chicken every now and then. If you run over something in the road, at least have the decency to kill it.

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Comments 58 comments

Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

Actually, that did happen to me, and I was huddled down in the bathtub, cold water splashing on me, and freaked out as all hell! Finally, when I calmed down I got out of the shower and I ran and jumped into bed. The chicken didn't come after me it was the turtle. I know some turtles personally, and they didn't take kindly to me running over their kin.

At first I thought it ALL was just a horrible nightmare! Then I realized, I had killed a deer, a turtle, a chicken.. no wait, I bought the chicken at the store, scratch that! I only killed the deer and turtle. Oh, and the snail. But the deer was definitely dead, because the girl in front of me ran over it first. She was so shaken up, I had to talk to 911 for her to come and get it. My hit definitely took the deer out. Anyway I woke up, or at least I thought I did to the turtle, it could of been a nightmare, but I'm never sure, because my nightmares are very vivid. I said, "I sprinkled salt on the snail, so I know he's dead, I'm sorry for killing the turtle" But he said, in a mean turtle voice, "too bad bitch you're going to die die diiiiieeee, you squashed my gear!" But but.. I didn't mean to! My cries did no good. He whipped out his Hello Kitty AK-47 and aimed it at me. I started to cry, and he shot out little MRE'S until they knocked me unconscious.

The next morning I woke to believe it was all a horrible nightmare, but I was still in wet clothing, and had muck all over me! To this day I am still waiting everyday to see if that slug..er.. snail is ever going to come back and get me for pouring the salt on it.

My fault I guess because I didn't stop and make sure the turtle or the snail was dead. But I haven't poured salt on another snail because I felt so guilty after that. I'll never do it again. Now I have to answer to the turtles family. Unless of course he forgot the whole incident and let me off the hook. Time will tell, that's all I know time will tell.


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Q~~ Somehow I think all along you have been looking for an opportunity to "pick a fight" with that chicken...I can hardly wait to read the sequel...!!

Voted UP & FUNNY...!!


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

Incredibly fentertaining. So funny and so deliciously vote upable. (Uppable?)... you know what I mean.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean

Q your brain is a very interesting place. It seems to me that if you hit a chicken though, you really should take it home and have it for dinner. There are over 365 ways to cook a chicken you know.


Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 5 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

I have had many creatures cross the road. The most awesome was a cattle drive-yep a cattle drive. Hundreds of cows. We were coming down the mountain from Yosemite and there they were. Tons and tons of steak!

Thanks for this funny, fun and informative Hub. As always I enjoyed it-tasted just like chicken!


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

Randy, you should quickly go put a bid on his brains since you like them, I mean quick too! Cos they're getting picked over like crazy. 365 ways? Make a hub on that cos my Rottweiler LOVES Chicken! I run out of ways to make it for her! (that is serious lol and would be a good hub, long though, do it in Forest Gump's friend's voice too, the guy who LT. Dan said his lip would get caught on a trip wire)


Truckstop Sally profile image

Truckstop Sally 5 years ago

Interesting! Have you seen the Seinfeld where George swerves in his car and accidentally hits a squirrel? His girlfreind makes him take it to the vet . . . Lots of spent dollars later, he must care for it at home . . . very funny!


Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 5 years ago from Euroland

Wow. So much writing. Tempted to scan because I don't do reading much. But then I'd miss the chicken choking.

Funny, smart, interesting, original - you have the whole deal going on.

You're doing great Q.


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

Well I just hope the chicken don't get choked before Randy let's me in on how to make chicken 365 ways! And if she don't bid on the brains I'm going to! Once they're picked over enough, then I could use them for wind chimes or something. Maybe even scare little neighborhood children.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

Sorry about the typo in my first comment, but I'm still laughing about your penultimate sentence. Must be my mind, because I'm generally very kind to God's little creatures, but for some reason it makes me smile. Nay, laugh out loud.


Taylorwise profile image

Taylorwise 5 years ago from Austin, TX

I live in fear of hitting a deer. You rock Q.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Q - too funny! Totally reminds me of a friend, Robby, who lived between two farms, had a turkey that thought it was Robby's friend, it got hit by a car. Robby stopped and picked it up and put it in the back seat of his car. It really wasn't dead. Or it came back to life in the back seat. IDK.

Don't ever put a turkey in your back seat. Apparently they don't like waking up in cars.


Timetothink profile image

Timetothink 5 years ago from Ballarat, Victoria Australia

...What about flabbits and squizards, I mean rabbits and lizards?


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

:::Note To Self::: Do not put an apparent dead turkey in the back seat. Make sure it is wrapped tightly before leaving grocery store!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Lol! I'm 100% serious about that! Robby was going to bury it on his property. The thing woke up and started flipping out! He had to pull over and jump out of the car! Hysterically true!


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Kathy- You have to watch out for those turtles that pack Hello Kitty AK-47s, complete with MRE launchers. Whenever I see a turtle in the road, I have to stop and help it across. You know, just kick it to the other side of the road. Because I care and all that. I bet that snail's coming for you. It's just going to take it a long time to reach your house. You might be 90 by the time that snail finally finds you, and you might not even remember harming the snail, but snail's are very dedicated and don't forgive and forget.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

marcoujor- Even though I don't condone animal cruelty, I think I would put a chicken out of its misery if I ran over it. You can do that by just putting the car in reverse. You don't have to actually get out and check the chicken's pulse. Thanks for dropping by.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Twilight- I admit, I was starving by the time I got around to talking about snails, and I wonder if those would taste similar to an oyster or have similar side affects. Only one way to know, I guess. You have to try one and let me know. I do know what it's like to choke a chicken, even if it wasn't chicken related.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Randy- I don't even know one way to cook a chicken, let alone 365 ways. Unless 'burning' is one of those. I can manage that. Did you know there are over 365 ways to choke a chicken? By the way, this hub was especially for you. I didn't make it funny at all, so you're welcome.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Hyphenbird- That sounds awesome. My parents had to wait for a bunch of cattle to cross the road over in Colorado one time. If it was a flock of chickens, I would have suggested just plowing through them. Especially if you were in your convertable, and then some of the chickens could bounce off your hood and land in the backseat, unconscious. By the way, there are over 365 ways to cook a chicken. I just learned that today.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Truckstop Sally- I thought Seinfield was a show about nothing? That episode sounds like it actually has a plot. I vaguely remember it, though. I also remember the squirrel that jumped out of the christmas tree and attacked Chevy Chase. Squirrels are dangerous.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Mark- Thanks for the comment. I thought it all a little too much, and I was going to delete the thing after getting off work, but then people commented and ruined my good idea. I might make it shorter, though. Maybe just make it all about chickens.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Taylorwise- The only thing I've ever hit with my car was a bird, and I feel pretty bad about that. But I bet a deer would leave a whole lot more damage. Especially if it was a flying deer. Maybe like a reindeer.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Realhousewife- That story reminds me of a couple movie scenes. In Hot Fuzz, a goose ends up in the backseat of a car and attacks the driver, and of course, the Hangover, where the tiger wakes up in the backseat, which would be a whole lot worse than having a turkey back there, in my opinion. But if there was a tiger back there, you'd definately want a turkey back there, too, just to keep the tiger's attention off of you. And maybe the turkey would kill the tiger. Fowls are pretty aggressive.


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

Actually, the rude turtle STOLE my Hello Kitty AK-47! "I" would have salt in it so I can shoot slugs..er.. snails that are after me. It works ya know, it really does. It was one of my favorite games as a kid.

Was the chicken you choked, really a turkey?


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean

I didn't laugh, so thank you. I apologize my manners are indeed lacking. And thank you also for not including the obvious road kill: kittens. This did not go unoticed and you gained points which over shadowed any small humorous attemptw. I am in your debt kind sir.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Timetothink- Flabbits have wings, I think, so they should be fine. That, plus I don't think they exist, so that works in their favor. As for actual rabbits, I hardly ever see any of those on the side of the road. They're just too fast, I guess. Lizards and squizards are fair game, but they're very skittish and don't sit still for very long.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Kathy- It did have a long neck, so maybe it was a turkey. And I choked it, but it got back up later, so I had to choke it again.


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

Oh and they Squirrel that jumped out of the tree was National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation! Sienfield wasn't even funny. Although Christmas Vacation rocked! And had the girl from Sienfield in it. (She was a fuddy duddy in that too, so she got what she deserved in Christmas Vacation)


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Randy- Don't mention it. I did kind of add cats in there. They were in the soup that the hermit fixed. I just didn't want to come right out and say it was cat soup, because I didn't want to offend you. So you're welcome for that, as well.


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

It's only bad if you juggle kittens. I know cos I saw it in The Jerk. Steve Martin was so cool, he donated to the cause to stop kitten juggling! :)


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean

Oh my god you are such a cat hating jerk! (that was my unedited thought, knew you could handle it)

When I was growing up we had a girl from NY stay in our house. She was going to the college down the road and thought our house looked like hostel or something. She also thought we were the Waltons or something. We had wild barn cats running around all the time. She often was caught cuddling kittens. She asked my Dad what was for dinner. "Kitty stew." That kitten bore the name for all its (very long) life. :)


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Kathy- I've never seen that movie. But that sounds like a good cause to make a donation to. You probably shouldn't have mentioned juggling kittens around Randy. Just saying. Maybe she won't read that comment.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Randy- I absolutely adore kittens. I just wish they didn't turn into cats. Kitty Stew is a cute name, for both a cat and an entree.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean

O.K. I give.


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

Well "I" didn't kitten juggle! Some guy on video did! And it they got money to stop it, so all the kittens were safe.

I have barn kittens every spring and fall. I just put some food out for them (and mama cat) so they stay used to feeding from the wild, cos after all I live in the country. I don't believe in messing with nature so I let it takes it's course. I don't use bird feeders or anything like that because the animals get used to finding food, and when it's not there, then it's not fair to the animal/bird. So I leave it up to them. Once in awhile the cats leave me a present on my back porch so I know they appreciate me letting them use my barn. :)


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean

One must decide if one like cats or rats. I for one, much prefer pestilent controlling felines to beady eyed rodents. Buy hey Q, to each his own. Although Attemptedhumor did call me a rat on my last hub, but I think he meant it as a compliment? Gosh I hope he wasn't refering to my eyes.

Don't worry Katharella I see that Q is trying to throw you under the hay truck to save himself, but I'm no green horn and he's no wiley coyote.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Randy- I petted a cat today, a calico, I guess you'd call it. But it was missing an eyelid, which was kinda cool. And then it rubbed against my leg and got hair all over my pants, which wasn't cool at all. I like cats more than rats, even though rats have beautiful eyes and don't shed all over you. I used to have a pet chipmunk and a pet lizard, and both of them got eaten by cats. :(


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT'S EYELID! I'm soooo telling Steve Martin on you! I bet you're trying to sell it!

I like rats too, that's why I cry when the ferals bring their lifeless body's to me. I tell them it's not nice, but they say "Great KathaRELLLAAA, who are you to judge our gifts, you ingrate!!!!" Then I cry more.


neeleshkulkarni profile image

neeleshkulkarni 5 years ago from new delhi

one technical comment-

the only reasons turtles get run over is that they tend to switch on the air conditioning when they retire into their shells to hide.This drains the battery back up and by the time the car comes close to them their infra red warning cum self propulsion system is on the blink and so when you hit them they are actually blissfully watching reruns of BAYWATCH (a perennial turtle favourite) thinking that if a car really was hitting them they would know and get propelled out of harms way.

what is needed is a warning on the inside of their shells telling them not to keep the a/c on if they are not moving.NASA needs to woek on this and I have been runing a signature campaign on this on the net since man first landed on the moon and a dollar as a donation to the casue should be sent to my Nigerian account.

second what if a submarine was crossing the road?I do not here refer to those marines who are considered substandard but those underwater aquatic vehicles that sometimes decide to excecise on the surface.will we have to take blame for the snails they have squished and the chicken they ran over before they ran over us.And then will we able to haunt the submariners ( not the substandard marines- the govt will haunt them anways but the marines that run the subs meaning the submarines not the subway sandwiches since a differnet class of people haunt them anyways and Mcdonalds do not like them and so do the Coca Cola people and the Republicans)after the chickens haunt us or do we join forces with the chicken to haunt the submariners (defined as hitherto stated)

kindly clarify since i am anxiuosly waiting in my bath tub with cold water splashing on my faceand my wife wanats to abthe sicne she has to go to office and someone in the family has to work for a living..


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago

It was late at night and we were on a two lane highway and my husband said, watch out for the cat...I said what cat? I was so freaked out wondering if I'd find it caught under the car when we stopped. Thanks for a freaky Hub Q, that in a sick way was enjoyable!


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Kathy- I didn't steal the cat's eyelid. The cat lost its own eyelid, probably in a fight. It looks kinda like the Eye of Sauron now. I feel like the cat can look straight into my mind.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

neeleshkulkarni- If I was a turtle, I'd probably never come out of my shell. Baywatch? Yeah, you'd never see me. Except for once a day when I pop out to pay the pizza delivery man. But that's definately a problem, the whole A/C bit, and I'd be glad to donate a dollar to your cause. Here's my account number. 289010937501-34151501015-541-9-860234895784759072794. Please wait until next Friday to make the withdraw, since that's when I get my paycheck. And I don't fancy the idea of ever joining forces with a chicken. Stuff the chicken, I say. Stuff the chicken of the sea, as well, which I guess is tuna. I'm sure plenty of tuna get ran over by submarines. I believe Subway even has a tuna submarine, which is kind of ironic to tuna everywhere. I hope you enjoyed your bath and didn't wait for me to reply before getting out, because that was 24 hours ago and you'd look like a raisin by now.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

b. Malin- That actually reminds me of how one of our cats used to climb under the hood of my dad's truck and ride all the way to work with him, like a stowaway. The cat's lucky it never fell out while on the road. Seemed like a dumb thing to do, but maybe the cat had a reason.


AngRose profile image

AngRose 5 years ago

We had to stop and wait for a herd of sheep to get off the road in Scotland once.

My mother in laws cat named Pickles used to get on the hood of her car and ride down the road to her brothers house with her to go visit, this is in Ireland where you can get away with riding around with cats on your hoods in small villages cuz nobody cares what you do.

My boys had lizards once, but they died...natural deaths and nobody ate them.

I just thought I'd type a bunch of random crap because I can...but it's all true random crap so I should get points for that at least.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

That's so funny AngRose! LOL!


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

I agree AngRose needs an accolade for that! So here ya go "0" that's from the Superhero club. I know what ya mean it was pretty crazy the way they drive over there. So fast you can't see the speed limit signs even if they had them.

Mr. Q. I'm not sure what to believe about the cat eye lids, because I can't find it. I looked and looked, but I agree subway tuna is YUKKIE. I'll never get one again!

My friend found a kitten that sat under the hood of his car and when he got to work and heard a meowing engine (as opposed to one that purrs) and when he looked there was a baby kitty there! Aw. So, he took it in work, and him and the employees kept it in a box with food n' water, but the shelter wouldn't take it because it had an eye infection! (luckily he was the boss so they got to keep it there) anyway, so, he took it to the vets and got it all fixed up, and it was already on the waiting list to be adopted, so I think it was super cool of my friend to do that for the baby kitty :) plus it had a new home! How they survive rides under the hood without falling out or getting burned is beyond me! Kittens must know something about engines cos I've heard some say they purr, and his meowed, so human's don't I suppose!


AngRose profile image

AngRose 5 years ago

YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS my first Superhero club accolade!! I am dancing the happy dance of joy here at my house! I've wanted one of those for so long I actually considered breaking into Q's house and stealing his, but I was afraid of his scary little dog! Thanks so much Kath!!! And thank you for your encouragement RH! Others might not be so happy you encouraged me, as it might encourage me to type more random crap, but who cares if they can't take a joke! haha


Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 5 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

Okay, I have an update. My boy and I were coming home from an alcohol free event, turned up our little lane in our little development and there were TWO DUCKS crossing the road. Of course this Hub popped into my mind. Now there is no pond, river, lake or puddle nearby. Just TWO DUCKS! Go figure.


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

Yes the kittens would have worked nicely, or lambs or babies? I've never seen a chicken crossing a road, but if i did i would allow it to cross, then club it to death. I haven't seen a vulture crossing the road, but i played table tennis against one last thursday, i'm lying it was wednesday really. I have seen many snails crossing the road. "Why do french people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food."

Oh well must dash, this is your inner self speaking, and although we love your daft humour, let's hope your outer self is a bit more sensible.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

No I like crazy randomness AngRose! Do it again!


tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 5 years ago from South Africa

Try a herd of Cape buffalo that keeps you waiting for almost an hour as they lazily cross the road in their thousands! And on a blisteringly hot day in a car with no airconditioning! Made me wish I were in a Sherman tank or something.

And why did they cross the road at that time? Well their incredible navigational instincts told them I was coming, of course!

Loved this read, thanks.

Love and peace

Tony


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Ang- Thanks for all the random crap. I think you should have eaten the lizards, though. And you can have all of my accolades if you want. I'm not really using them. I think I deserve another accolade for letting a couple of weeks go by before replying to your comments. :) Sorry... I've been busy lately.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Kathy- I see you're just handing out those O accolades freely. I thought it was just for me, and now I don't feel so special. But I'll let this one slide, since Ang is such a sweetheart. Just as long as I get more O accolades than anyone else.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Hyphenbird- I love ducks. I don't know why, but I do. Everytime I see a stuffed animal that's a duck, I have to buy it. It's like my Catcher in the Rye or whatever. I've never seen a duck crossing the road, but if I did, I'd probably steal it.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Keith- I thought about adding babies to the list, but I didn't want to offend anyone, especially any babies that might be reading this. Vultures don't follow the basic rules of table tennis, I don't think. They are attracted to dead things, and they always show up when I play table tennis, because I end up getting killed by the competition. Or maybe they just like my cologne. I should probably stop rubbing dead animals all over my body.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Tony- Cape buffalo? I thought buffalo were extinct, and I never knew they wore capes. But I'm sure they planned their road migration as a temporary road block for you in particular. Maybe you did something to offend them. Thanks for the comment and for dropping by.


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

Adam!!! She is a sweetheart!!!! And she LOVES CLOUDS! I am NOT just handing out accolades to just ANYBODY! I like her and she's just super! I invited her to our Superhero club! Besides she was considering snagging one of YOURS!!! Sheesh! lol, She might with the right encouragement move closeby me, so that makes her SUPER COOL! I would never give anybody more accolades than you! Don't be silly, when you get out of this sillyness slump I will give you a SUPER DUPER SPECIAL Accolade that I promise NOBODY else will ever be able to obtain!!! So, just for coming out of this proverbial snail hut-rut ;) here, is a +O+ accolade! Oh, a double one, here Acc+O+lade! Now stop being a whiny and get busy with a new hub! :P

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