Things you will NEVER see on a head stone

Not the epitaph you had in mind?... me niether!

It doesn’t take long when you’re on line or in conversation for some one to make a reference to health these days, or ask a loaded question that invites you to play along in their healthy life style conversation. I’ve been sitting in the bar,… THE BAR of all places, and the conversation will turn to blood pressure and cholesterol,… like the pack of Marlboro reds and the sixth beer had nothing to do with that?,.. so don’t lecture me on my cheese burger over here. Its got jalapeños and onion on it, those are vegetables and the capsaicin is good for arthritis, so shut up.

Now you know me,…. ok, even if you don’t know me, you know some one like me. I’m opinionated and don’t give a damn if the world agrees with it. I figure if your dumb enough to ask me, you deserve the answer so brace yourself.

I live by the principal that its not in how long you live on this earth, but in how much you really LIVE while on this earth. I think bacon makes everything, EVERYTHING better. If my second husband had cooked more bacon more often we might still be a match made in pork heaven.

I believe tequila is the devil and rum is his dirty little brother, and I’m keeping my sex in the family cause I cant make up my mind which one I like screwin’ around with more.

When I die I want to be cremated in hopes that my arteries will burn for 5 hours beyond the rest of my body. I have signed my organ donor card but it is my greatest wish that NOTHING is actually able to be donated,… I plan on being totally worn out, used up,… I want to lick the tootsie pop ALL THE WAY TO THE STICK!

I believe in the medicinal power of smiles,… and if chocolate makes you smile, then its good for you, period. Based on this theory beer is also good for you,… so is sex, cigars and holding hands in the dark.

and if you don’t know some one like me,… I’m sorry,… you should…. Meanwhile, where was I,… oh yea,… I cant resist bursting a bubble when I see one so plainly full of hot air,… and its in the spirit of my attitude on healthy eating that we visit this list of things you will most assuredly NEVER see engraved on a granite grave marker.


“sure glad I ate all those bran muffins”

“he had regular bowel movements”

“she never missed a day at the gym”

“glad I gave up chocolate”

“giving up sugar, alcohol and sex was worth the extra 20 years”

“I gave up coffee except in enemas”

“lover of veggie burgers”

“loved and missed by her personal trainer”

“beloved spotter in the weight room”

“gave up smoking in exchange for prescriptions”

“xanax is better than French Fries”

“funeral under the direction of Ryder rental trucks”

“casket made by Samsonite”

“she took it with her”

“died with a great portfolio”

“grieved and missed by his stock broker”

“in perfect health until he died”

“0% body fat”

"clipping coupons was soooooo worth it"

"i'm so glad i saved 35cents on that last 12pk of diet gensing soda pop"


what do i actualy WANT on my head stone if some one is soo foolish to waste money on one when i'm gone????......

"she lived,... realy LIVED,... every day of it,... and apologized for none of it,... she lived"

You have additions to this list?… pony up in the comments section!


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Comments 12 comments

Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas

Interesting. Voting you UP!


Dave 4 years ago

Good luck with that


LawrenceS profile image

LawrenceS 4 years ago

I don't know if I could have said it better myself. Good hub. Voted Up.


stclairjack profile image

stclairjack 4 years ago from middle of freekin nowhere,... the sticks Author

thank you Lawrence S!


bethperry profile image

bethperry 4 years ago from Tennesee

stclairjack, funny and so well said! I can tell you're a lady after my own heart, too.

Voted up!


stclairjack profile image

stclairjack 4 years ago from middle of freekin nowhere,... the sticks Author

than you bethperry,... i;m flattered


jimagain profile image

jimagain 4 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

Great idea for a Hub. Loved the epitaphs. My favorite phrase in the Hub was the one about the arteries burning 5 hours longer than the rest of the body after cremation.

Great perspective.


J. Frank Dunkin profile image

J. Frank Dunkin 4 years ago from Foley, Alabama

Great stuff, stclairjack, great stuff! Clicked funny and useful - oh yeah, it IS useful!


John MacNab profile image

John MacNab 4 years ago from the banks of the St. Lawrence

'In perfect health until he died' says it all,stclair. When I pop off I want to be launched from the banks of the St. Lawrence and float downriver until I become a dead weight. Nice one stclairjack.


Cantuhearmescream profile image

Cantuhearmescream 3 years ago from New York

stclairjack,

I laughed and kept looking around to make sure nobody was watching! Ha, you're too funny.

Here's one my gravestone won't ever read:

"So glad I got a good 8 hours of sleep every night"

Anything more than 5 and you're sleeping your life away. There ain't no rest for the wicked...hehehehe.

Voted up and funny!


Sharkye11 profile image

Sharkye11 2 years ago from Oklahoma

Had to laugh! You sound like most of my relatives. We smoke, drink and have a good time without remorse, and so far everyone's life span has been about an average of 87 years. Unless they decided at 86 to hot rod in a sports car and meet a tree. Some have even pushed their luck up into the late nineties. Their epitaph is most likely to read: " See? Told you I would prove the doctors wrong.". Fun hub! Voting up!


stclairjack profile image

stclairjack 2 years ago from middle of freekin nowhere,... the sticks Author

when they asked George Burns what his doctor thought of his cigars and martini's he replied,... "i have no idea what my dr thinks of my smoking and drinking,.. he's dead,... im not"

life is for living,... if we only thought about going to the bathroom we'd never eat or drink for fear of it,.... live!

thanks for the comments ya'll!

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