Time to Have a Laugh Again

How to Tell if You're Speeding!

It feels as if I haven't published a hub in ages, and so I felt it was about time I dug out some of my archives of funny emails I have been sent over the last couple of years so that you could all join me in a good giggle (assuming you share my taste in humour). I hope you enjoy these, and if you do, please visit my other similar Hubs as linked to at the bottom of the page.

Before Marriage
Before Marriage
After Marriage
After Marriage
After the Divorce
After the Divorce

The Why's of Men

  1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

3 WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

  (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb...

-----------------------------------------------

 A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-----------------------------------------------------------

 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

-----------------------------------------------------------

 Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Dad

A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed.With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands.

Dear Mum and Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice, especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends. They're the one's providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it.

Don' t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra £100 if they use the horse.

Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

Aimee

p.s: Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND GETTING F*CK ED ON PENALTIES AGAIN !!

I love you. Aimee

Butt Measurement

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill.

 With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!".

 The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

 She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little sausage?"

After being stung in the divorce settlement, Sir Paul makes off with what he can:

McCartney's Release Press Statement

Former model, Heather Mills has recently released a press comment to stamp out the allegations of a split from her pop star husband.

A close friend says Heather is hopping mad and although both her and Paul are unaccustomed to knee jerk reactions they have decided to go out on a limb.

 "I'm totally stumped" Said Heather today. "We're going through a rough patch but I've no intention of legging it"

Paul refused to comment beyond saying that a divorce would cost him an arm and a leg.

 Paul McCartney now regrets buying his wife a plane for her birthday especially as he had already got her a ladyshave for the other leg.

Reasons for the McCartney's Divorce.
Reasons for the McCartney's Divorce.

Dumb and Dumber

A mother and father took their six-year-old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Pleased with the answer, the boy goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "parts" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is"

Satisfied with this answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.

He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

 

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get Tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium.

" Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham & Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his death.

Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

 Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"

 Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the skinny useless bint wearing oversized sunglasses and trailer trash trucker baseball cap. "Hey, don't look at me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch"

Every Girl Needs One!

Male or Female

You may not know that many non-living items are actually male or female, for example :

1. Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2. Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3. Tyres -- Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

4. Hot Air Balloons -- Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5. Sponges -- female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6. Web Pages -- Female, because they're always getting hit on.

7. Trains -- Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.

8. Egg Timers -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9. Hammers -- Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but handy to have around.

10. The Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Australian super rock group (styled on ABBA)

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Comments 18 comments

goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

I needed that! Thanks Misty.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

No worries GT, glad it made you laugh :)


Misha profile image

Misha 7 years ago from DC Area

Bva-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!!

You did it again Cindy!

Thank you :)


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 7 years ago from Australia

Cindy thanks for the giggle. All the best for the New Year! ;-[)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

LOL Misha and Ag, I try my best to keep my fellow hubbers smiling :)


ASHWINSPGA profile image

ASHWINSPGA 7 years ago from Lion City ( Singapore)

Miss Cindy you always have some incredible stuffs to make me laugh my head off. The pictures and the jokes were totally side spitting funny. You are the Queen of comedy hubs. Great job Miss Cindy. Thank you for the giggles. God Bless You.

Ashwin


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

It's always time for your humor (excuse me, HUMOUR) Misty! You funny lady!


Madison Parker profile image

Madison Parker 7 years ago from California

Very funny and after the crazy holidays, a good laugh is well in order!! Thanks for sharing; my husband was sitting next to me as I read your hub and I read some of it to him; he actually laughed with me. I suppose that's why we've been married so long!

Madison


rockinjoe profile image

rockinjoe 7 years ago from Standing right behind you!

Thanks for the laughs! I had not see many of them before.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks to Ashwin, MM, Madison and Joe. I love to share a laugh with my friends and am glad you all found these funny too :)


starrkissed profile image

starrkissed 7 years ago from Arizona

hahaha another great hub!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Starrkissed, always great to see you visit my hubs :)


Elena. profile image

Elena. 7 years ago from Madrid

I swear, Misty! You owe me a pair of panties!!!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

ROFLMAO! There are so many huge chuckles packed in here that I hesitate to try and pick out one or two or even three. But, I suppose the biggest chuckles for me came from the first pictures of the lion before marriage, after marriage, and then the divorce! ROFL!

Then this one: "I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death." LOL!

And the one about the woman's butt being bigger than the gas grill and her comment to her husband..."Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little sausage?" ROFLMAO!

Thanks Cindy! :D


Bruce Elkin profile image

Bruce Elkin 7 years ago from Victoria, BC Canada

Ah, Misty, my sides hurt! Too much at one time for an old timer. But I did learn one thing I didn't know that will probably help my social life. It's only funny if dogs hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Good to know! Cheers!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Elena, one pair of panties in the post to you right now, but you may need more by the time I am finished :)

Pam, the lion one tickled me too, amongst many others :)

Bruce. I hope this will deter you from further humping of women's legs at your future cocktail parties :)


Elena. profile image

Elena. 7 years ago from Madrid

Well, heck, why ever didn't you send TWO or FOUR pairs, if you knew I was gonna need them!!!! Bad, Misty, bad!! Laugh!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Ahh, well, you will find this out soon enough I promise (grins wickedly), keep your eyes open for my next hub which will be published later today I suspect. :)

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