Tips for Men: How to Get Out of Doing Home Chores

The Scenario

It's another lovely Sunday afternoon. Ah, the good old couch calls out....beckoning you to partake of it's enticing warmth and get a few well-deserved winks of shut-eye.


But wait! If 'she-who-must-be-obeyed' catches you first, it's good-bye couch, hello leaf-blower.


To avoid this calamity, I have constructed a few helpful, handy-dandy tips which, if followed, will provide you with an escape from the dreaded chore-monster and freedom to pursue other, more 'interesting' pursuits, like meeting the guys down at 'Paddy's Sports Bar' or numerous other venues ala relaxation and recreation.

1. Camouflage

Well-known in the military world, camouflage is one of the oldest and best ways to escape detection by the enemy. Employ this technique when you want to be 'unseen' for a period of time; it's a veritable 'Cloak of Invisibiltiy' (see Harry Potter vol.2).

Get yourself some material that exactly matches the object you wish to 'blend into'...be it couch, easy chair recliner, or, if you wish, to hide successfully outside, some astro-turf that resembles your lawn. Then simply throw the material over you and take a snooze beneath it. This will effectively render you unseeable to all but the most suspiciously observant.

Note: hopefully no one will sit or step on you. It may happen. Just hope they aren't heavy.

2. A Lookalike

It is a well-known fact that everyone has a double or as the Germans call it a 'Doppelganger'. You need only find yours. It is not that difficult. Just as soon as you are looking for someone who looks just like you do, you will suddenly see them everywhere. The grocery, the library, the pet store and the park. Once you have identified a likely candidate, just make a deal with him. Tell him you will pay him when he comes to your house and does your chores, wearing your clothes, while you go to his house and have a nice break from 'said chores'.

He must of course be a single person, because if he has a wife she will likely take you for her husband, since you both look alike, and set you up with a list of chores to do there. This would defeat the purpose. Your wife will probably not notice the difference between you and your 'hired-twin', because, to women, 'all husbands look alike', or so I have been told.

I have yet to test this hypothesis.

3. A Mannequin

Along the same lines as the twin, is the mannequin. I picked up this little trick from reading Conan Doyle's "The Adventure of the Empty House." Mannequins can be purchased from any retail store, if you are willing to pay the right price.

Just get one and dress it, and keep it in the garage. Then, when you want it to appear you are cutting the grass, say, you simply set the plastic fellow up pushing your lawnmower, and post-haste leave to join the boys down at the aforesaid 'sports-bar'. If you put a hat and sunglasses on the dummy, and leave instructions with the little hoodlum next-door to move it every quarter hour or so, you will be surprised at how easy it is to stay away for hours and never be suspected.

4. Fiddle With the Clocks

This one is technically more challenging. The trick here is to set the electric kitchen clock on a timer that shuts it off and on so frequently that the time virtually remains the same for hours on end. This way you can say "o yes...at 3:00pm Dearest, I'll plunge the toilet and clean the grout", or whatever, and of course, 3:00pm never really comes, and you are off the hook.

I know of one buddy who pulled off this little caper for several weekends in a row until his wife found out. His house now has the best kept lawn in the neighborhood. Need I say more?

5. Feign Illness.(Temporary blindness...deafness...a cold virus..etc.)

All little boys learned this basic trick when they were still toddlers I have no doubt. I certainly did.

Just remember to vary the illness. It won't do to say you are blind every weekend. Your wife may smell a rat. Have a number of illnesses listed on some slips of paper and pick one at random each time to keep things looking 'authentic'.

6. Hiding

Hiding is the oldest and possibly the best of all the schemes for avoiding 'chores' that I know of. You simply have to know where to hide. The possibilities are endless. Closets, laundry hampers, attics, basements,up in the tree-house, under a bed, on the roof, up the chimney, down the root cellar, out in the garage, behind the curtains, under the table, in the shower,in the doghouse, under the porch, behind the settee,in a trunk,or nestled in the coats in a wardrobe.

The larger your house, of course, the more opportunity for deception. This is called a 'truism'.

Finally...

If you are found out, and believe me, you will be sooner or later, (see footnote) well, for that, I have no advice.

But in the meantime, you may have enjoyed a small respite from the terrible task-master.

Surely that's worth something.

Footnote

It is another 'truism' that wives and women in general are virtually indeceivable and can spot a man's deviousness even before it occurs to him, (according to my calculations approximately 99.739 % of the time.)

You must learn to live with this fact of life, and do your best in spite of it.

Good luck. You'll need it.

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Comments 20 comments

Abhinaya 8 years ago

Aha ! Why shouldn't men work around the house? By the way I liked the Footnote very much :).


desert blondie profile image

desert blondie 8 years ago from Palm trees, swimming pools, lots of sand, lots of sunscreen

Hilarious! I think my hubby needs to catch on to some of these!


white atlantic profile image

white atlantic 8 years ago from INDIA

hmmmmmm good


Woody Marx profile image

Woody Marx 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada Author

Abhinaya: O I agree with you! Men should certainly do their chores. Yes indeedy! But I wrote this hub for a suggestion given to me by http://hubpages.com/profile/About-The-Home... you can go there and kick his butt. :) Thanks for reading!

Desert Blondie: hope he finds them helpful! :)

white atlantic: you said it! :)


In The Doghouse profile image

In The Doghouse 8 years ago from California

Very humorous Hub. I am glad that you have recognized the title correctly of, 'she-who-must-be-obeyed'.

I also am glad that you have realized another important statistic, "approximately 99.739 % of the time." Both of these truisms are important to realize when trying to escape work.


Eileen Hughes profile image

Eileen Hughes 8 years ago from Northam Western Australia

Really great, I wonder what you males would do if we do the same and no washing, ironing, meals cooked etc etc.

Although credit where credit due. Some males I know do more household chores than their wives.... Go Men


baban78 profile image

baban78 8 years ago from California

great hub ; you can also ignore them and see where that takes you !


Woody Marx profile image

Woody Marx 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada Author

Eileen: O you know, women only do those things because they know if they left them to men, well, they wouldn't be done properly. Have you ever tasted a roast dinner that I cooked or seen a shirt I tried to iron? O my...women are wonderful...I for one think nothing of putting them on a pedestal. (Sometimes I climb up there myself to see the view.) Thanks for comment! :)

Baban: good suggestion! As you say...'see where that takes you...' We both know where. ;)


compu-smart profile image

compu-smart 8 years ago from London UK

Very amusing and educational read and some great tips.... for us guys lol..

I personally love doing house-chores and find is so rewarding when everything is clean, fresh and in its place, nevertheless, i am all tooled up now incase i someday don't like doing chores lol

;)


WeClick2Travel profile image

WeClick2Travel 8 years ago from Northern Michigan

Sometimes one must try to find a time of respite BETWEEN chores. These techniques may prove helpful in this situation. I think women are wonderful as well, which is why I cook for mine and maintain the house. It's not really always a matter of not DOING ANYTHING, but one of not doing WHAT SHE WANTS you to do WHEN SHE WANTS you to do it. But isn't that true of everyone. We want what we want when we want it. ;-)


Boss Number 1 profile image

Boss Number 1 8 years ago from Stayton, OR

Hillarious! Sadly, I'm usually the one trying to duck out of my chores, not my husband! He's the one trying to track ME down to get stuff done. Oh well!


Woody Marx profile image

Woody Marx 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada Author

compu-smart: Glad I could give you some tips for a 'rainy day' when you want to get out of them! :)

We Click: Good points! Between chores my techniques can be just as helpful!

Boss: MY tips are non-sexist and can apply to your case as well. Glad you laughed!


Isabella Snow profile image

Isabella Snow 8 years ago

A lookalike! Clever, lol!


Woody Marx profile image

Woody Marx 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada Author

Isabella: Men will go to any extent to escape chores. At least I do. ;) thanks!


Josh Tam profile image

Josh Tam 8 years ago from Kch

Just do the chores badly enough that you screw them up everytime. Your wife will say "I don't need your help anymore" and that is where eternal freedom comes along. hahaha


Woody Marx profile image

Woody Marx 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada Author

Josh: O my...women are much smarter than you think Josh! They would smell something fishy if you try that one! thankx for comment!


Josh Tam profile image

Josh Tam 8 years ago from Kch

Yes, but the trick is you must be very convincing. But yea, women nowadays kinda know every trick in your book. It's like they bought that book somewhere... dang... But I have tricks not only in my book but up my sleeve! Haha. There is another trick ...

,,,

wait... the more I / we post here, the more of our tricks that women will learn??!! Better stop.


Woody Marx profile image

Woody Marx 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada Author

Josh: I agree! Better to stop before we give away everything! ;) It'a all good fun.thanks.


William F. Torpey profile image

William F. Torpey 8 years ago from South Valley Stream, N.Y.

You are either very clever, Woody, or you have a lot of experience dodging chores. Very inventive -- and funny.


Woody Marx profile image

Woody Marx 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada Author

William: Actually you are correct on BOTH counts! ;)

thanks for comment!

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