Tips for productive family meetings

Following are tips for productive family meetings:

  • Don't have children. Period. No fam, no family meetings.
  • If you inadvertently have children, put them immediately up for adoption. See above.
  • Constantly pawn your children off on relatives who live far away. Your time with them will be so scant that your spouse will not want to waste it on family meetings. Go to Disney World instead!
  • If you have children and have not the heart or good sense to ditch them, insist on not having any family meetings.
  • If your spouse insists on family meetings over your objections, try to always be "unexpectedly called away" at the last minute due to an "emergency" at work.
  • Threaten divorce if there are family meetings.
  • Join the French Foreign Legion or the Merchant Marine.
  • Fake a seizure and escape by ambulance.

If your spouse insists on having a family meeting and you are unsuccessful at escaping from it:

  • Try to have a meeting about what sweets to buy or how much allowance to give. This is just about the only agenda in which the children will participate willingly.
  • Do not talk.
  • Do not allow the children to talk.
  • Ignore the children when they do talk.
  • Insist that all communications be in Pig Latin. Then the meeting will be fun!
  • Agree very enthusiastically with everything your spouse says.
  • Videotape the meeting so you can show your spouse what a ridiculous idea it was.
  • Videotape the meeting and then have a professional film editor dub in the results your spouse wanted.
  • Serve cookies spiked with a mild dose of sedative. When your wife and kids fall asleep, put them to bed. The next day, tell them what they all agreed to.
  • Require everyone to communicate in writing only.
  • Take everything each child owns and put it all in a pile in the back yard. Tell them that unless the family meeting is productive, you are fully prepared to douse the pile with kerosene and set it on fire.
  • Make sure the meeting results in signed, notarized contracts. Enforce the contracts with legal action. With any luck you will be able to divorce your kids and remand them to the custody of the Department of Social Services. Then you will never have to have another family meeting again.

What's that? You say you WANT to have a family meeting?

Never mind.

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Comments 9 comments

goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

Good one Tom. You're a modern day Mr. Cleaver.

The Real Tomato profile image

The Real Tomato 7 years ago

Oodgay anday unnyfay ubhay omtay.  Iay illway utpay omesay of ouryay uggestionsays otay ooday useay.

Umbthays Upays!

Happy World profile image

Happy World 7 years ago from Slovenia, Europe

This is hilarious joke. Tom I know how much you love your children...

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Thanks, Golden! You know, I always liked the Beaver.

Ouyay eesay owshay unfay ethway eetingmay ouldway ebway?

My kids are the best --- one on one. But put them all around a table with an agenda? What am I, crazy? If not yet, I will be.

LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 7 years ago from London

family meetings sounds like a terrible idea.

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Writer Rider 7 years ago

There are too many fathers in my opinion.

Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall

Who ever came up with the idea of family meetings, either doesn't have a family.or just needs their heads testing. In our family we always had meetings but what the parents said usually was the result, a real democracy eh!

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Iphigenia 7 years ago

hilarious hub - nut what is a family meeting -they sound awful

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Hi, Londongirl.  Oh, family meetings are a wonderful idea.  That is to say, the idea is wonderful.  It's the actual meeting that bites. 

Writer, there are too many of everybody. 

When I grew up, Hawkesdream, (the old man talking now) the family was not a democracy, it was a monarchy, and we kids were the peasants.  We loved our parents, but we also feared them.  Ah, those were the days!

Oh, Iphigenia, a family meeting is when you gather everyone together and discuss "issues", like, who is going to do what chore, etc., as if the kids are going to have a legitimate say. Then you proceed to refute everything they say and impose your own will. By the end, the love in the room is palpable.

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