Toddlers And Tiaras -- Mardi Gras Madness

I thought I'd start recapping this show. I watch it with a sick fascination. You really have to see it to believe it.

This week's pageant is being held in Shreveport, Louisiana. It's called Mardi Gras Madness. Tonya Bailey is behind the pageant and she's a real trip. Personally, I would not want to meet this woman in a dark alley at night. She didn't seem quite sane. Her eyes kept bulging with each word that she said kind of like crazy Judge Doon in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. She was going on about it being all about the bling. I think it's people like her that insist on these little girls be tarted up to look like they're twenty-one.

Three girls were featured, this week, as they prepared for Mardi Gras Madness. Tori in Atlanta, Texas; Jasmine in Center, Texas; and Amiya in Wright City, Oklahoma.

Tori likes to fart or make fart noises; wasn't sure which farts were real and which were fake. She declares that everyone thinks she's cute. Ali, Tori's mom, is the worst of the three mothers featured. She declares anyone that can't see that Tori is a star is ignorant. She declares everything Tori touches turns to gold. And says some kids shouldn't be allowed in these pageants. If a girl is wearing a big fluffy dress she's ugly.

Jasmine is 10 and she's got quite the ego on her, already. It could be a problem when she gets older and someone has to pop that over-inflated ego of hers. Tiffanie is her mom and Denetra is her aunt and pageant coach. Tiffanie and Denetra did pageants themselves when they were young. Jasmine has only been doing the glitz pageants for a year. Jasmine basically says no one can love her as much as she loves herself and vows she's going to be Ultimate Grand Supreme.

Amiya is 6. Mom Laura says she started putting Amiya in pageants because she was shy. Laura also reveals she's had negative comments about the outfits and dance routines Amiya has done. They showed a clip and I can see why. If she was an adult, I'd think she was a lap dancer.

A new dress arrives for Tori to wear for the pageant, but Tori doesn't like it. She refuses to put it on. Ali says it's exhausting being Tori's mother. Something tells me it's just as exhausting being her daughter.

Denetra's a real drill sergeant as she makes Jazz stop eating her ice cream and puts her through her paces. When Aunt Denetra starts criticizing her, Jasmine reveals she doesn't listen to her. Jasmine knows she's the bomb and no one is going to convince her otherwise.

Before the pageant, Amiya has acrylic nails put on. Laura claims the judges insist on it. The girl applying the nails says something entirely different. She says she doesn't feel comfortable putting nails on a girl this young. That the judges don't even notice the nails. That they don't look natural.

Ali makes Tori practice on the mechanical float they've created for her. She's going to be Michael Jackson on a float. Ali once again disses the other contestants saying they'll all be doing the same old same old and Tori will be doing something unique and special.

When Jasmine's new dress for the competition arrives Aunt Denetra says she wouldn't put the dress on a dog. There's irony in that comment. Tiffanie went to a woman that apparently makes fancy dresses for her dogs. I'm not making this up. Denetra declares it glitz garbage even though it cost $1600. Jasmine says the dress isn't comfortable and hurts her. Denetra says Tiffanie is getting Jasmine a new cupcake dress.

The girls arrive in Shreveport, LA. Sonya Bailey declares her judgment on the three featured girls:

Amiya is a naturally beautiful girl.

Tori is a fire cracker on stage.

Jasmine is a natural on stage.

Ali is all excited that Dane Dane McAllister will be doing Tori's make-up. The bloom falls off that rose fast when Ali sees the crappy job Dane Dane does on Tori's hair. One of the judges thinks Ali did Tori's hair, herself, and says the girls need to have hair like a Barbie doll's and should be done by a professional. The ironic thing is Laura does Amiya's hair and make-up and it looks like a professional did it.

Laura has other problems when the strap of Amiya's dress breaks and she has to find a way to fix it. She resorts to tying it into a knot and hot glues something over the knot so the judges won't know. Because of the dress problem she arrives late on the stage when she's announced during the Beauty portion of the contest.

The guy announcing these girls was cracking me up as they pranced on stage. Amiya wants to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader and then a mom. Her favorite color is purple. Tori favorite color is baby blue, while Ali cringes in the audience over Tori's hair. She says that isn't ultimate hair. Jasmine's favorite food is anything hot and spicy.

Next up is Mardi Gras Outfit Of Choice.

Tori is getting her hair redone for the second round. Ali comments Dane Dane shouldn't be able to mess up a ponytail.

Streamers from the curtain gets stuck in Amiya's headdress but she doesn't let it bother her and does a dance and the splits.

Ali worried that the stage is smaller than they thought and Tori's float is big, but her worries are for nothing. Tori maneuvers the float flawlessly and does her routine without any problems.

Jasmine's routine is messed up when the music stops just as she starts. She freezes for a moment, but then goes on with the show. Jasmine worries the judges could take points off her for that.

The judges head to deliberate on who should win what. They have good things to say about Amiya and Tori, but take points off for Tori's bad hair. They also comment that fancy props don't win you the title. They also feel Jasmine stood out and carried on well in spite of the music malfunction.

Ali is crying over Tori's hair, but is still hoping she'll win Ultimate Grand Supreme. She also thinks it's stupid that half the pageant contestants got pulled for larger prizes.

Jasmine is not happy when she gets named Mardi Gras Supreme. She wanted to be named Ultimate Grande Supreme. Jasmine says she wants to be named Miss Universe and be an ultimate diva.

Laura is happy that Amiya gets named Novice Supreme. Amiya just wants to get out of her fancy clothes.

Tori gets named Mini Supreme and Ali isn't happy about it. She also says she shouldn't let an unknown vender do Tori's hair.

A girl that wasn't featured much got named Ultimate Grande Supreme.

You know, I don't know why these adults wants children dressed up like adults. Have a beauty pageant but judge them for the age they are and have them dress accordingly instead of popping fake nails, teeth and tans on them and have them act like they're twenty years old.