The Perfect Husband

The card board cut out
The card board cut out

What is it with women and pictures. You give them a camera and they turn into Katie Kodak. Talk about being able to multi task! Left to their own, men would take a cruise and return with a half dozen snapshots. Half their victims would have a head missing or a fork in their mouth.

Women, however, come home with a moment by moment pictorial history of life on the seven seas. After our recent return from cruising, we have pictures of the engine room and food that was simply minding its own business. We have pictures of people taking pictures of people taking pictures. We have pictures of where the ship was going, of where the ship had been and one, of where she thought the ship, should be going. We have pictures of every passenger on the ship and the children they left at home. I've been home for a month and my body is still stuck in pose mode. I look like a card board cut out with a botox smile. I don't remember the cruise at all, but she has six thousand pictures that prove I was there and I obviously had a great time, because I'm grinning like a compliant baboon in every one of them.

Photo cruises are bad enough, but, enduring the return days perusing the pictures of the wonderful time I had, takes longer than the cruise itself. How does that happen? Women love pictures. I think, they like the pictures they take of us, more than they like us. As a matter of fact, In my next life, I've decided to come back as a picture of myself! After showing off pictures to everyone she knows, its no wonder everybody wants to cruise. Look how happy I am. The women think I'm smiling because we fell in love again and the men think I'm smiling because, well you know what the men think.

This is where the wonder of women and multi tasking so intrigues me though. We ate twenty one meals, we ate twenty one in between meals, we played bingo, we went dancing, we went to the casino, she changed outfits 71 times and I changed twice, we went potty at least twenty one times, we slept, we took naps, we went to twenty one shows, we read books and we talked to every one in Mexico except the Pancho Villa. How the hell, did she find time to take six thousand pictures, get every one on the planet to pose and do all the stuff that these pictures say we did?

We have pictures of things we didn't do and places we never went. We have pictures of people who were never there and pictures of things that never happened. For the life of me, I don't remember doing half the stuff she says we did, but I know I did because she has a picture of me doing them. Next year, she can take my cardboard cut out with her and I can just look at the pictures when she gets back.

My cut out is more cooperative, he's a gifted listener, he has a perpetual smile and he fits in a suit case. As a matter of fact, he's the perfect husband!

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Comments 29 comments

Emme 6 years ago

I love the card board cut out and the permanent botox injection part of this!

b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 6 years ago

When it comes to man and his're words are so true...Thank goodness for women and their cameras to capture the moment and make them into Happy Memories.

arb profile image

arb 6 years ago from oregon Author

b. Malin-I do agree. Her pictures are the evidence that I have lived long and happy. As you know, I prefer humor to the serious side. Thanks for coming by.

Dr. Amilia profile image

Dr. Amilia 6 years ago

Awesome article. :)

QudsiaP1 profile image

QudsiaP1 6 years ago

Oh gosh arb...


I took so many pictures that I could not even keep track of them when I returned. When the memry in my blackberry ended, I started clicking with our digital cam, when the memory in that ended, I used my brother's phone!

The idea really is that we women, feel it so important to remember this time happily, so while we really were stressing and wanted to kill some one, there will be memories of us only smiling and a few years later, we will convince ourselves that we too had a great time.

We, women are complex, central focus, creatures conscious of every one's opinion.

So you know those pictures that your wife took of the places, you did not go to?

Well it is just incase some nosy woman says, "Oh been there done that..."

We could pop out a picture of Seychelles and say, "Oh didn't I tell you? We went here too, just look at the pictures."

We always have a back up plan. :D

Loved part 2, arb, though if your cardboard replaces you, then who, pray tell will write these hubs for us. :P

Happy Valentine's Day to you and the wifey. :)

arb 6 years ago

Qudsia, Perhaps one day, the two of you can take pictures of one another taking pictures of one another, somewhere you haven't been and talk about it!. Ha! Ha!

arb 6 years ago

Dr. Amilia! thanks for the kind comment. As a soon to be Dr. I think you would really enjoy my hub, "I need some medicine for my medicine." Look forward to reading your hubs, I have a deep interest in health care today.

Kritty Faye 6 years ago

I think I'm really a man because i usually do all the things you say men do, but none of the things women do.

azure_sky profile image

azure_sky 6 years ago from Somewhere on the Beach, if I am lucky :)

Another great hub....much enjoyed by me:) I think I am a lot like your wife in so many ways, and it's good to be able to laugh at

arb profile image

arb 6 years ago from oregon Author

Azure sky! If you are much like her then you are worth your weight in gold. She has obviously, filled my life with things to write about.

Loveslove profile image

Loveslove 6 years ago from England

I want to cruise so I am not showing hubby this HUB ..he will finish up staying at home and sending me away with a cardboard cut out !! lol Great read

arb profile image

arb 6 years ago from oregon Author

if your're going to cruise, read part 1. It will save him the expense of packing! thanks loveslove for the comment.

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

I laughed so hard at this, my glasses are all smudged. That is just hilarious - and surely all too true. I love the ending - the cardboard cutout would do for all the pictures. . . hahaha!!

Voting up and funny - and awesome. hehehe

ps - I'd better go find Part 1. haha - smile.

arb profile image

arb 5 years ago from oregon Author

I suspect, Nellieanna, that it does not take great effort to make you laugh. You are laugh looking for the object. I am delighted to be in the way.

Lone Ranger 5 years ago just described my mother to the tee. She was so happy to buy a digital camera that had the capacity to store 500 pictures that she promptly took those 500 pictures within a few days. It seems most of those were of birds that landed in her backyard...I had no idea sparrows were so interesting.

phdast7 profile image

phdast7 4 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

Alan - This is quite good and very funny and although I have never been on a cruise, I take your point. It is wonderfully descriptive. Your befuddlement at how there can be pictures of things you don't remember doing comes through clearly and is priceless. :)

I must be like Kritty Faye who left a comment. I was never the picture taker, but my husband at the time was....and he took thousands of pictures and it made me crazy. Just get one good shot. Why must there be six slightly different pictures of every single thing?!

Thinking about why we were different: (1) He was an artist and then switched to photography, so it made sense for him to take the pictures. (2) I was careful with money and he was care-free with money. So I would have been stingy with each photo, counting the cost of developing the film, whereas he believed you did what you wanted and worried about how to pay for it later. I think these things exacerbated our role reversal.

Just realized that my comments have taken a rather serious and analytical turn,completely out of sync with your lighthearted essay. Actually, I know what I am doing....procrastinating, and using your hub as the excuse. I have been putting off filing the 39 page probate report on my father's estate for three months now. I am well past the deadline. It is complicated,it is legalese, and there is no music or poetry in it. :( And 39 pages!! :)

I now realize how rude and unflattering this must sound, but actually it is not. Let's look at it this way, shall we. I had to let the cat out and on my way back to the Probate papers I passed my computer and decided to read just one hub before getting back to work. And I chose one of yours, so the fact that you are the object of my procrastinative (now that's pretty cool, I just created a new word) tendencies is actually a great compliment. :)

I really did enjoy the hub and thank you for mentioning Gerg to me. He is someone well worth reading. I have been trying to nudge traffic his way. I am off to do paperwork and I hope you had or are having a lovely evening. :) Theresa

arb profile image

arb 4 years ago from oregon Author

Good Morning Theresa, It has become painstakingly clear, over the years that we do marry or are drawn to opposites. My wife, (randy) is the energizer bunny on steroids. I am the tortoise on sleep aides. Her idea of a "get together" is 50 people, mine is 4-6. She thinks life is about conversation. I think its about solitude and reflection. I write, she talks. She celebrates every moment of everyday, I take them for granted. Our family problem is, mom wants a picture of all those moments. We call her Katie kodac. We do more posing than the Statue of Liberty. I really do have pictures of things I don't remember and people I've never met.

I do not envy your probate exercise. Most of the paper work requires an interpreter.

By the way, I am doing a hub project and I am in need of about 5 or 6 senior hubbers, 55 or older. If you know of a few I would like to contact them. Stop procrastinating!

phdast7 profile image

phdast7 4 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

Good Morning Alan. I completed the paperwork at 2am. Of course there are questions that must now be answered by somebody in power before I can have it all notarized, but I slept the sleep of the very belatedly righteous. :)

Well, I am 57 and I am pretty sure the following people are over 55, some over 60: Perspycacious, WDCurry, molometer (54-56-?), Kathleen Cochran, xstatic, and Credence2. I know a few women on HP who are grandmothers like me, but that doesn't mean much as that can happen in your early forties. Men are usually more forthcoming (could care less - which is healthy I think) about their age, which is why I can easily provide you with their names. If anyone else comes to mind, I will let you know.

I think you may be right about how we are attracted to and marry opposites. I used to think that was silly, but life has proven otherwise. My parents, both of my married brothers, most of my married friends, two of my three married sons...married people substantially different from them in major ways.

Russell was the extrovert (with introverted intellectual and artistic qualities); I was an introvert (with strong extrovert capabilities depending on the situation). I think we thought we understood who we were marrying.

I shall be looking at all the couples I know this week and wondering who takes the most pictures. :) Theresa

arb profile image

arb 4 years ago from oregon Author

I did not realize you were nearing such elite status. I am delighted however, because that means that you and kathleen could join in this hub project. I will forward you and Kathleen a preliminary sketch of what we are doing and let me know if your interested. i hope so.

phdast7 profile image

phdast7 4 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

Definitely interested. The most direct way to contact Kathleen is through her homepage. Kathleen is her nom de plume, so I hesitate to provide her real life email without her permission. Please do tell her that I gave you her name when you contact her, Then, if she responds to your email you will have her name and email address.

I think I like it, in the future when someone asks how old I am, instead of saying 57, I will tell them I am "nearing elite status." :)

arb profile image

arb 4 years ago from oregon Author

I will look at kathleen's home page and contact her.

rahul0324 profile image

rahul0324 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

Great hub my friend!

Sometimes.. our better halves can make us feel worse.. not intentionally but... yea.... been there i a thousand poses too... and didn't like it.. Kept my mouth shut though :).. to avoid any aftermath ! LOL

arb profile image

arb 4 years ago from oregon Author

rahul, keeping our mouth shut is the key to a happy marriage. Thanks again for the visit.

dmop profile image

dmop 4 years ago from Cambridge City, IN

Arb, this is absolutely astounding, I was literally laughing as I read it. I may be the picture taker these days, because I'm constantly thinking this would be a good shot for my next Hub, but the truth is I still don't remember doing half the things we have pictures of me doing. I voted this up, funny, and shared.

Angela Brummer profile image

Angela Brummer 4 years ago from Lincoln, Nebraska

This is great... I am certain I do the same thing!

LaThing profile image

LaThing 4 years ago from From a World Within, USA


lol, lol, lol had a great laugh..... Your wife is just like us other women, we observe everything, and don't you just love sitting thru those holiday picture slid shows? ! :)

Voting up and sharing.....

arb profile image

arb 4 years ago from oregon Author

Hello dmop! Thank you for reading. She is, obviously, my inspiration in all things. My constant source of hub material.

arb profile image

arb 4 years ago from oregon Author

Thanks for reading Angela. Delighted that you see the humor in it. It may drive me nuts, but secretly, I glad for the pictures.

arb profile image

arb 4 years ago from oregon Author

Thanks LaThing, actually, I probably have pictures of her taking pictures. It would be a great addition to the hub.I may rummage through the archives and just do that.

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