Using Garden Gnomes for Self-Defense
How to deter crime with pointy-hatted statues.
I had always thought that garden gnomes were totally useless. Now, I am imagining people carrying them around for personal protection instead of using pepper spray or other more lethal deterrents.
If you see a threatening character you can yell out, "Stay back! -- Don't try anything, I have a garden gnome and I'm not aftaid to use it!" That proclamation should send anyone with half a bit of sense scurrying on their way.
Some time ago I read a news item about a grandmother in Wadebridge, England, who was alarmed by the sound of an intruder on her roof. "I grabbed the first thing that came to hand — one of my garden gnomes — and hurled it at him, and hit him," she recalled.
The culprit was blind-sided, and as he lay there screaming in pain, the woman went into the house and armed herself with a rolling pin, since she didn't want to damage another gnome. The police were alerted by neighbors and the offender was arrested.
After reading about this incident, I now see the logical sense of having garden gnomes protecting your house. Previously I had thought of them as mere whimsical, somewhat tasteless and silly decorations.
Not everyone will agree.
It is anticipated that garden gnome defense will have its detractors. Certain groups will protest the right of garden owners to make such self-defense uses, or any uses outside of hunting and sporting competitions, illegal.
This will be an uphill battle. Many homeowners already have the little pointy-headed figures firmly established in their gardens and have become quite attached to them.
An advocate of the national gnome defense group has made the usual argument, saying that he never lets his children throw gnomes at each other unless they have been educated in gnome safety and are supervised by a responsible adult.
"Gnomes injuries are extremely rare," said one gnome collector, " Mostly they are used for sport, enjoyment or collecting." His references to the historical importance of gnomes cannot be ignored. His personal collection includes a mooning and tinkling gnome as well as the other more traditionally posed examples.
Garden Gnomes can help your plants grow.
This is a fine example of a throwable gnome, shaped and sized perfectly for throwing.
Is Gnome Control in our future?
There may be some future legislation to make carrying a concealed garden gnome punishable by law but this is a matter of conjecture since even with a specially designed holster they are quite hard to conceal.
Of course, a certain amount of training would be required for a permit to carry a concealed gnome. For the purpose of developing accuracy in defensive garden gnome tossing, several practice ranges, staffed by gnome safety experts, would have to be set up in various areas.
Some scholars say that early examples of garden gnomes date back to the Old Egyptian Empire, over 4,000 years ago . More modern incarnations seems to have spread across Europe starting in 19th century Germany. They are almost always small, bearded and topped with a pointy red cap. The word, oddly enough, comes from the Greek "gnomê" which means intelligence.
In some neighborhoods it can be dangerous to go out at night, even in your own yard, without having some way to protect yourself. A self-defense garden gnome may save your life or the life of a loved one while severely disabling a burglar.
When traveling away from your own property, it might be wise to carry a gnome in a custom designed garden gnome holster made of ballistic grade ripstop nylon in colors to coordinate with your usual outerwear.
So armed, you can feel prepared if you meet a mugger, car-jacker, attack dog, or wild animal.
Engineered for quick access, a simple flick of the wrist pops open the gnome holster cover. This exposes the gnome, smiling pleasantly at the attacker. If this sight is not enough to unnerve an assailant proceed to step two.
The user's velcro secured security strap is released by a second flick of the wrist and the gnome falls comfortably into the hands of the user in a natural throwing position.
Gnomes are fully top-weighted, so that the pointy hat aims directly at the attacker. The gnome itself is 100% plaster of Paris which shatters pleasingly upon impact sending shards of plaster and choking dust toward the attacker even if a direct hit is not achieved.
A little practice is recommended, if you want to perfect your throwing technique. Use the fully-weighted, unbreakable types in the beginning.
Remember, if you're not prepared to defend yourself, you might not have a second chance.
More by this Author
Becoming a full-fledged child star was not in the cards for me, but I did get a brief opportunity to work at a major movie studio.
How do you choose toothpaste when there are too many choices? Do you want whitening, tartar control, healthy gums, plaque abatement, or total health, happiness and world peace?
Mice, rats and other rodents can do surprising damage to your car engine and other automotive parts. How do you keep them out of your vehicle?