Using Garden Gnomes for Self-Defense

The innocent-looking ones can be most effective. Notice the pointy hat.
The innocent-looking ones can be most effective. Notice the pointy hat. | Source

How to deter crime with pointy-hatted statues.

I had always thought that garden gnomes were totally useless. Now, I am imagining people carrying them around for personal protection instead of using pepper spray or other more lethal deterrents.

If you see a threatening character you can yell out, "Stay back! -- Don't try anything, I have a garden gnome and I'm not aftaid to use it!" That proclamation should send anyone with half a bit of sense scurrying on their way.

Some time ago I read a news item about a grandmother in Wadebridge, England, who was alarmed by the sound of an intruder on her roof. "I grabbed the first thing that came to hand — one of my garden gnomes — and hurled it at him, and hit him," she recalled.

The culprit was blind-sided, and as he lay there screaming in pain, the woman went into the house and armed herself with a rolling pin, since she didn't want to damage another gnome. The police were alerted by neighbors and the offender was arrested.

After reading about this incident, I now see the logical sense of having garden gnomes protecting your house. Previously I had thought of them as mere whimsical, somewhat tasteless and silly decorations.


Gnome protests are springing up.
Gnome protests are springing up.
Don't be deceived by a relaxed pose. This gnome obviously has attitude.
Don't be deceived by a relaxed pose. This gnome obviously has attitude. | Source

Not everyone will agree.

It is anticipated that garden gnome defense will have its detractors. Certain groups will protest the right of garden owners to make such self-defense uses, or any uses outside of hunting and sporting competitions, illegal.

This will be an uphill battle. Many homeowners already have the little pointy-headed figures firmly established in their gardens and have become quite attached to them.

An advocate of the national gnome defense group has made the usual argument, saying that he never lets his children throw gnomes at each other unless they have been educated in gnome safety and are supervised by a responsible adult.

"Gnomes injuries are extremely rare," said one gnome collector, " Mostly they are used for sport, enjoyment or collecting." His references to the historical importance of gnomes cannot be ignored. His personal collection includes a mooning and tinkling gnome as well as the other more traditionally posed examples.

Garden Gnomes can help your plants grow.

This is a fine example of a throwable gnome, shaped and sized perfectly for throwing.

Is Gnome Control in our future?

There may be some future legislation to make carrying a concealed garden gnome punishable by law but this is a matter of conjecture since even with a specially designed holster they are quite hard to conceal.

Of course, a certain amount of training would be required for a permit to carry a concealed gnome. For the purpose of developing accuracy in defensive garden gnome tossing, several practice ranges, staffed by gnome safety experts, would have to be set up in various areas.

Some scholars say that early examples of garden gnomes date back to the Old Egyptian Empire, over 4,000 years ago . More modern incarnations seems to have spread across Europe starting in 19th century Germany. They are almost always small, bearded and topped with a pointy red cap. The word, oddly enough, comes from the Greek "gnomê" which means intelligence.

In some neighborhoods it can be dangerous to go out at night, even in your own yard, without having some way to protect yourself. A self-defense garden gnome may save your life or the life of a loved one while severely disabling a burglar.

When traveling away from your own property, it might be wise to carry a gnome in a custom designed garden gnome holster made of ballistic grade ripstop nylon in colors to coordinate with your usual outerwear.

So armed, you can feel prepared if you meet a mugger, car-jacker, attack dog, or wild animal.

Engineered for quick access, a simple flick of the wrist pops open the gnome holster cover. This exposes the gnome, smiling pleasantly at the attacker. If this sight is not enough to unnerve an assailant proceed to step two.

The user's velcro secured security strap is released by a second flick of the wrist and the gnome falls comfortably into the hands of the user in a natural throwing position.

Gnomes are fully top-weighted, so that the pointy hat aims directly at the attacker. The gnome itself is 100% plaster of Paris which shatters pleasingly upon impact sending shards of plaster and choking dust toward the attacker even if a direct hit is not achieved.

A little practice is recommended, if you want to perfect your throwing technique. Use the fully-weighted, unbreakable types in the beginning.

Remember, if you're not prepared to defend yourself, you might not have a second chance.

More by this Author


Comments 118 comments

rmr profile image

rmr 8 years ago from Livonia, MI

You may be on to something, here. My wife says these little guys give her the "creeps". She can't even watch the tv commercial featuring a garden gnome. I am considering taking one on my next camping trip, in case of bear attack. Thanks for the tip!


Uninvited Writer profile image

Uninvited Writer 8 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

That's hilarious. You can also get a farting gnome. A friend at work has one of those. That might scare away potential robbers :)


DonnaCSmith profile image

DonnaCSmith 8 years ago from Central North Carolina

Rochelle, watch your email. I'm gonna send you a pic of my gnome. Now I know why I don't have tresspassers down on the farm.


Carl Frank profile image

Carl Frank 8 years ago from Southern California

Another funny one! I half expected to see that picture I Photoshopped, accompanying this piece. You know the one. But maybe it was for the best; you don't want to scare readers away. :-)


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

I thought about it, Carl. I'm not sure what the big gnome would say.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

I used to be an advocate of gnome weaponry until I got stopped at the airport with my sub-compact gnome in my carry on.  The subsequent cavity search showed me the error of my ways.  Now I am an advocate for the gnomes themselves.  I notice you give remarkably little consideration to how the gnomes feel about being brandished and tossed about.  What about them, Rochelle?  What about the gnomes?  I don't expect you'd like to be flung about for protection.  Where's your humanity... or gnomanity?


Shirley Anderson profile image

Shirley Anderson 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

This is absolutely hilarious!! So well done, Rochelle. I haven't laughed like that in a long time, thank-you.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you Shirley.

And, Shades, the gnomes enjoy it. Now if you want to see gnome abuse, you should see the impaled gnomes -- yes, really there are such things. Such a shame.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

Well, to possibility for double entendre is too dangerous, so I will just say, yes, well, as long as they enjoy it, whatever's being done to them, I suppose everything is fine.


Theophanes profile image

Theophanes 8 years ago from New England

Geesh, and I thought gnomes were just handy to arrange in classic battle scenes in defense to the neighbors complaining about "some people who choose to decorate their yards tactlessly." I mean you start out with a couple pink flamingos just for a childish chuckle and the gnomes are soon to follow... the streaking gnome I found on e-bay once I think was the most tactless but who am I to say? Atleast he was wearing a fig leaf under that rain coat...


Glenn Frank profile image

Glenn Frank 8 years ago from Southern California

You should have writen this article under a Gnome-de-plume to protect your identity.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

You are right , Glenn,

I will take full blame in my own name.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

LOL Glenn. Boooooooooooooo!

(Horrific puns ftw!!! :)


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

I love puns-- wish I had thought of that one, myself.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

I do too. In my early twenties (gasp, I'm about to date myself) I read all the Xanth books by Piers Anthony. If you can't take a pun, those books would kill you within three pages.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

One of my favorite puns is: "A bun in the lowest form of wheat."


Agro Donkey 8 years ago from Ohio

I myself was the victem of a drive by gnomeing. There I was walking down the street with the sun shinning down from above and I was blissfully unaware of the tragedy that was to befall me. It was only moments later that my world was torn apart and burned assunder. Gnomes streaked through the air crashing all around me. Two rival gangs had started a gnome war and I was caught in the middle of it. Dust every where, pieces crashing all around, and smilling gnomes now fill my dreams at night because of this. I hope you are happy with all of your Gnome owning glory but I for one am against it.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Argo,

If gnomes are owtlawed, only criminals will have gnomes. We need to have our protection even if it results in a little dust. Wear a mask for goodness sake, if you are in gnomegang territory.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

I must credit Ellie Tylbor for notifying me about the original gnome-throwing incident that he found online. We both found it rather odd and amusing . . . and it did get us thinking


Carl Frank profile image

Carl Frank 8 years ago from Southern California

Gnomegang territory? I stay out of there. That's a real gnome-man's land.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

OMYqarsh-- I have raised a couple of pundits --who can both out-pun me.


Ellie-kins 8 years ago

Excellent and very entertaining and funny article, Rochelle but then I'm used to laughing at all your articles. Gnomes eh? I just might buy one for my balcony. The effect of looking up and seeing a gnome staring down would be interesting.

Write on!


In The Doghouse profile image

In The Doghouse 8 years ago from California

Rochelle,

I have a vacation get away that needed a security system, the answer was simply to procure a gnome. Now the problem with that scenario is that "gnome man is an island", so I found very quickly I had an army of gnome arsenal protecting the place. Thankfully my neighbors who live in the area are really "gnome bodies" so the army fits in quite nicely with the surroundings. My only hope is that gnome control will not make it's way to the political arena.. if it does, I am a goner.


Jeanette M 8 years ago

HA. This hub is a hoot. Thanks for the laughs


Sophie Esperana profile image

Sophie Esperana 8 years ago from Los Angeles

I laughed for like, 10 minutes after reading this hub. Thanks for brightening up my day :D


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

I was reading some discussion pages of a 2nd ammendment group's website (right2bearGnomes.com) and in their gnomenclature they talk about how carrying a concealed gnome is not only an American right, it's a duty.  They were saying that to die without the means to defend yourself is a ignomeinious way to go. I agree with them, and  I think Agro Donkey, in that neighborhood for sure, you should rethink your position.


marisuewrites profile image

marisuewrites 8 years ago from USA

ohmygod shadesbreath   YOU ARE A BREATH of fresh air.  LOL    I needed this at this moment  hahahaha 

hub is sooo  good.   LOL


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Shadesbreath SHOULD have written this hub himself-- but I'll still take credit. Thanks.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

From the fecund soil of your genius comes what sprouts may grow.


Garry Nelson profile image

Garry Nelson 8 years ago from Hawaii

It is true, my grandmother had them everywhere like land mines. If you tried to sneak through her yard at night you were definitely going to trip on one and fall on another at which time one or both would explode into a million razor sharp pieces of ceramic shards, slicing you up and alerting my grandmother.

I lived with my grandmother in my early teens and it was common knowledge among my friend to watch out for the gnomes.

I used to torture my little brother by putting them around his bead while he was sleeping. Or the best was standing one single gnome in the hallway at night halfway between his room and the bathroom. Oh yeah.


Carl Frank profile image

Carl Frank 8 years ago from Southern California

You must have meant, "a bun IS the lowest form of wheat", right?


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Right.


bright_sorcerer profile image

bright_sorcerer 8 years ago from London, Canada

This was hilarious!! I really needed a good chuckle today. And some of the comments kept me in stitches. Thank you!


Glenn Frank profile image

Glenn Frank 8 years ago from Southern California

I think that garden gnomes must be the origin of many people's irrational fear of circus clowns. Gnomes are just small circus clowns to me.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Clowns are worse and bigger.


Glenn Frank profile image

Glenn Frank 8 years ago from Southern California

True, I know as a kid watching an old episode of BOZO the clown show (?).... the one thing that REALLY scared me was when Bozo called some kid out of the audience to be in a magic trick... and then Bozo turned the kid into a CHICKEN!!!! and I never saw him turn the chicken back into a kid! that really had me worried.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Is that why you wouldn't eat chicken?


Glenn Frank profile image

Glenn Frank 8 years ago from Southern California

Gnome one here but us chickens.

(to get the comments back on topic)


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 8 years ago

Oh my,,,,,I don't know if I can take all this laughing! This one is priceless Rochelle.

Garry, I'm glad you weren't my brother LOL

ALL of you commenters are great! This is just too too funny.

I'm going to my garden center now to purchase gnomes :)

Trish


Lexica profile image

Lexica 8 years ago from Germany

Hilarious post, Rochelle. I just read mariesue's post on Do You Suffer From Hippopotomonstrosesqippedaliophobia?

and out of interest researched a bit to see if there was such a condition as an irrational fear of garden gnomes (some do look a bit creepy, don't you think?). Sure enough there is such a condition (not officially recognized as yet) and it is called gnomophobia!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

When citizens begin to arm themselves with gnomes, there is going to be a lot more gnomofobia amon potention perpetrators.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Let me try that again . . . gnomophobia among potential perpetrators.


Lexica profile image

Lexica 8 years ago from Germany

now you`re scaring me!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Gnomes can be deceptively scary, especially the smiling ones.


DeniseClarke profile image

DeniseClarke 8 years ago from Florida

OH MY! Gnomemania runs wild ... tooo funny ... and I thought the article I posted on using a BBQ grill as a weapon was funny .... LOL!

Great writing!

Denise

http://how-to-use-a-smoker.blogspot.com


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thanks Denise,

This one has been up for awhile-- but it is one of my favorites. I'll go take a look at your grill suggestions. One can never have too much protection.


rdelp profile image

rdelp 8 years ago

Very nice and funny.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thanks, rdelp.

Do you have any gnomes? Perhaps your dogs are more effective-- and you don't have to toss them. :-)


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

Rochelle! This hub is a hoot. After reading this I would never admit to having any Gnomes in my garden.

Loved the hub regards Zsuzsy


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Zsuzsy Bee-- Thanks, but don't be ashamed. We have a right to protect ourselves with gnomes.

Oh-- are you Canadian?


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

Right on eh! I now live in the south west part of Ontario, Canada the best place in the whole wide world.zs


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country Author

I don't now if gnomes are legal in Canada. You might need to check local ordinances.


Hikeguy 7 years ago

So funny! Especially all the gnome holster details. I'd hate to have to explain carrying a concealed gnome -- still having warm weather here and the bulge would be too tell-tale in my usual shorts and T-shirt.... Maybe I'll take a gnome on my next camping trip. Keep up the good work!


netrageouz 7 years ago

A gnomish tale of horrific miniature ghoulish figures suitably appropriate as subject of discussion on this year's halloween attire! I believe this shall indeed make a most amusing costume choice for the season!! Thanks for the ideas spinning devilishly through my mind, i shall troupe elaborately adorned as a most amusingly devilish gnome !! OHHHH what fun!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 7 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Hikeguy-- just tell people it is a colostomy bag. that, in itself, could be enough to keep people away. And yes, you may need a concealed gnome permit--depending upon regulations in your area. Thanks for the comment.

netrageouz -- thanks to you too, I never dreamed I could inspire devilish thoughts.


Teresa McGurk profile image

Teresa McGurk 7 years ago from The Other Bangor

Now that I live in a camper, maybe I should get some gnomads. Put them on the roof. Tie them to the antenna. We could go out west, and sing "Oh give me a gnome, where the buffalo roam, and the deer and the cantaloup play." I always liked that song.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 7 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Gnomads would be PERfect for campers. And I think Beer goes well with cantaloupe and most other things.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 7 years ago from California Gold Country Author

I'm happy to report that the blog "Gnutty for Gnomes" has referenced this hub in relation to getting a concealed gnome permit.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

Genius. I have been writing hubs about the goings-on in back yards for quite some time. How gratifying to learn that other journalists back me up.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 7 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, nicomp. Your gnome looks deceptively benign, but I'll be he could pack quite a punch.


humbledhomely profile image

humbledhomely 6 years ago

I've just recently heard a testimonial on these garden gnomes. A guy scared off 7 thugs after he used one of these bad boys from his yard.

Self-defense costs: a gnome

Cost to protect your household from 7 children looking for their chain: priceless

Innocent and invisible to any criminals strategy, but dangerous and effective to the same idiot. I like.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 6 years ago from California Gold Country Author

I think the story was inspired by a "news of the weird" report. It did fit the category-- but I saw it as an opportunity for more wierdness.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 6 years ago from California Gold Country Author

I've been getting some new views here, and would really like to know how you are getting along with your Gnomen defense experiences,


DonnaCSmith profile image

DonnaCSmith 6 years ago from Central North Carolina

Hi, Rochelle! I have never considered my gnome as protection, he's pretty small. But, I guess a small gnome is better than no gnome at all.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 6 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thanks Donna-- You said you would send me a picture. Is he smiling?


Seldon55 profile image

Seldon55 6 years ago from Somewhere in Florida

Personally, I think this hub is in need of "Pun Control!" Wow, What started out as a funny, informative article on defense has turned into a slug fest of the best puns I've ever read. I won't lit them all because I can't laugh and type at the same time. I think this hub should be titled, "I've got a pun and I'm not afraid to use it."....Eddie


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 6 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thanks for adding to the fun, Seldon55. Both of my sons added to the comments. I wonder where they got the pun gene. ( and no, Shadesbreath isn't one of them).


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 6 years ago from California Gold Country Author

A hub, mentioning this article, on a blog called Better Gnomes and Gardens, is posted at:

http://www.bettergnomesandgarden.com/2008/12/do-yo...

Thank you-- "Better Gnomes".


captainchris profile image

captainchris 6 years ago

Interesting take on home self defense! I loved it!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 6 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thanks, Captain. This one hasn't seen much action lately, but it is one that I enjoyed writing. i appreciate the comment.


PassinItAlong profile image

PassinItAlong 6 years ago

I gnome when I have had enough. Think I will read another hub.


PassinItAlong profile image

PassinItAlong 6 years ago

I gnome when I have had enough. Think I will read another hub.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 6 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank You, and thank you again. Feel free to pass the link along, too.


Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman 6 years ago from Florida

Loved this, Rochelle!!! So funny! Strange I hadn't found it until now! Glad I did, though. I actually have two garden gnomes sitting on my kitchen table right now. I'm painting them for my mother-in-law...but I think I might hold on to them for a while...never know when you might need one.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 6 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, AMB. Yes, it is an early one. It is a bit eerie that you should be painting gnomes during the time you found this.

You need to let her know that you are thinking about her safety and security--or maybe not. You don't want her throwing them around after all the work you put into them.


alex 5 years ago

cool


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

OK... glad you approve.


quicklysilver profile image

quicklysilver 5 years ago from wexford, ireland

I'm glad you people find the destruction of gnomes so funny. A few years ago I befriend a gnome called Henry. The summer just gone we went on holidays to spain with him and his wife Jenny. One night we left a bar and two thugs picked up Henry and his wife and began reinacting the star wars light saber fight. We tried to stop them but within seconds my friend and his wives dismembered bodies were scattered on the street. The two thugs ran off laughing leaving us to pick up the pieces.

The local police laughed at us and none of the papers wanted to know.

So the next time you people laugh at this think of their one year old son Peter who'll never get to know his parents.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Sorry to hear of this untimely loss. Must have been a horrible thing to witness.


quicklysilver profile image

quicklysilver 5 years ago from wexford, ireland

I'm getting through it.

But on a serious not that was a hilarious piece of writing, with all of the comments adding to it.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

I appreciate it, even though serious notes are not usually allowed on this subject.


Ghost32 5 years ago

ROFLMAO!

We've not used any of Pam's 3 garden gnomes for self-defense per se, though two do still guard the camp trailer and one is pulling sentry duty with a wooden stake up his rear at the pet cemetery.

Of course, my wife's preference is the LIVE gnomes with whom she frequently visited when we lived (off grid) "on the mountain" in Montana. We lived on a little (very little) valley floor, and the "Gnome House" (an abandoned structure once occupied by humans) often sprouted a number of earth-dwelling little folk. They knew she could see them, and sometimes she & they would wave back and forth.

However, we did not share this information with anyone else living in the area.

I'm sure you're right about the upcoming efforts by detractors toward Gnome Control.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

I think it would be cruel and unusual to use live gnomes... The cement or plaster ones are best for self-defense. The plastic ones, made in China, I believe are a plot by that nation to make our self-defense ineffective.

The ones guarding your camp trailer are apparently doing their job. Thanks again.


DeborahNeyens profile image

DeborahNeyens 3 years ago from Iowa

This is cute. It reminds me of the time some friends came by our house one night and, as a joke, set a garden gnome on our front stoop. (Not sure why they were carrying a garden gnome with them, but now I know it probably was for self protection.) Their plan was to ring the doorbell and hide, but before they could do so, our dog came up, grabbed the gnome in her mouth, and took off with it. This was all going on unbeknownst to us. Anyway, our dog comes back to the door with a gnome in her mouth, we're trying to figure out what she has and how she got it, and our friends are hiding in the bushes laughing hysterically.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 3 years ago from California Gold Country Author

If your dog had it-- it probably was a plastic one. For self-defense you should use cement or at least plaster ones. Some friends, you have.


Christa Michelle profile image

Christa Michelle 3 years ago from Fort Myers, Florida

Mama had several little gnomes that she made in her pottery kiln. They were hiding all over the house when we were growing up. Some were door stoppers, one slept in the fireplace, some hid behind plants. This brought a smile to my face remembering Mama and her little friends.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 3 years ago from California Gold Country Author

So I am assuming she didn't use them as weapons-- Glad it brought you a fond memory. They do seem to indicate an appreciation of the power of imagination.


Kaili Bisson profile image

Kaili Bisson 3 years ago from Canada

I always figured these little devils must have some useful purpose. What a great Hub...thank you for making me laugh on a cold, rainy November night.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 3 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, Kaili, Now I'm thinking about those little statues out there in the cold rain.


alocsin profile image

alocsin 3 years ago from Orange County, CA

OMG, this was hilarious, Rochelle. My partner and I couldn't stop laughing when I read it to him. Perhaps they should make gnome holsters so you can carry them with you as a defensive weapon. Voting this Up and Awesome.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 3 years ago from California Gold Country Author

I appreciate your comments, alocsin. We live in dangerous times, so I think it deserves consideration.

This one has been around for awhile, but now and then it pops up again. I'm pleased it can still bring a laugh.


seanorjohn profile image

seanorjohn 3 years ago

Wow, I guess I will install garden Gnomes in my garden and inform my insurers. I wiil refer them to this article and I expect a rapid reduction in my household insurance. I too underestimated their purpose. Voted up and crazy. Sorry I meant useful.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 3 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Absolutely, seanorjohn-- but make sure you take the gnome safety course first. You don't want to take the chance of hurting innocent bystanders. Also-- think of what a nice Christmas gift they could make.


expertscolumn profile image

expertscolumn 3 years ago from New York

I think this is senseless behavior, using garden gnomes as weapons?! You should always call the police first then use the garden gnomes to defend yourself.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 3 years ago from California Gold Country Author

You are right, expert.

And fully automatic assault gnomes should probably be outlawed. I'm only talking about one shot gnomes for personal emergency protection.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 3 years ago from California Gold Country Author

She probably enjoyed them so much, she would not think of tossing them around. Glad it made you smile. Christa Michelle.


RNMSN profile image

RNMSN 3 years ago from Tucson, Az

totally and by far the absolute best piece I have read in a long time!!!silly,productive, to the times and relaxing all in one! way to go Rochelle.....though all the comments make a statement in and of themselves and certainly must be included in the reading :)

you guys are priceless!!


Kathryn Stratford profile image

Kathryn Stratford 2 years ago from Manchester, Connecticut

This caught my eye when I was on your page, and I am glad I read it. You really got a laugh out of me! This is the type of humor that I can really appreciate, and it's the type of silly thing I think of every so often.

Thanks for sharing this with us, and for making me laugh. Have a wonderful day!

~ Kathryn


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 2 years ago from California Gold Country Author

I'm glad it caught your eye. Oh dear, I hope you are not being literal ! Gnomes can be dangerous if they are not handled with precaution and care. I'm glad I'm not the only silly person here.


Suzanne Day profile image

Suzanne Day 2 years ago from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

I didn't know the word "gnome" meant intelligent! And maybe there's a folkloric story behind the red hats as well. I enjoyed your hub and it was most original. Voted funny!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 2 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you,Suzanne, and thank you for adding it to your "What the Hub" Facebook page. Stay safe .- I hope you have gnomes.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

Hi Rochelle

It is an interesting hub, and garden gnomes certainly have multiple uses.

Certain gnomes look better than others. We have a couple ourselves in the garden. It makes since to use them a weapons if you have an unwanted trespasser. I remember not so long ago when gnomes would disappear from their owner's gardens only to turn up in another state and country having stowed away. They usually send a postcard to announce their current location. This was funny, vote up.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 2 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Yes, the traveling gnome has become legendary. In fact, there is a TV advertisement over here that uses a traveling gnome as it's spokesperson. Thanks for your comment.


MarleneB profile image

MarleneB 2 years ago from Northern California, USA

I was in the gardening center at the local hardware store and a little gnome hollered out at me to come pick it up. I tried to ignore it's cries, but it just kept calling out my name. Finally, to get some peaceful shopping done, I picked up the little gnome and put it in my shopping cart. Upon arriving home, that little garden gnome cleared a spot in the garden and has been there ever since, watching over the garden, daring anyone or anything to get near it. My plants are safe. I think it's so cute, but I don't think I could travel with it, what with the cost of luggage these days.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 2 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, MarleneB. I would fee a little hesitant to pick up a gnome that hollered at me -- hope it works out for you, though. I appreciate the nudge. This one hasn't had many views lately and it is one of my silly favorites.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

Hi Rochelle, this was very funny. I never really liked garden gnomes until I saw the movie Gnomeo and Juliette...loved it....now I have a few gnomes in my garden. Voted up.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 2 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Hmm, Is that a real movie? I must have missed it, but if it got you to buy gnomes for self-defense, it's a good thing. Thanks for reading, Jodah.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

Yep it's an animated movie Rochelle, you should check it out...great love story and lots of action too.


colorfulone profile image

colorfulone 18 months ago from Minnesota

Indeed the gnomes in the garden would ward off any intruders. They got moxie with an attitude when needed. Funny!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 18 months ago from California Gold Country Author

Thanks for the comment and the fan mail, colorful one.


poetryman6969 profile image

poetryman6969 16 months ago

I've got a gnome and I'm not afraid to use it! Wonder if I can throw that gnome at those nasty dogs that use my yard for a toilet.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 16 months ago from California Gold Country Author

I gnow what you mean... and I have tried getting my dog to use the toilet. Maybe I could put some sod on the seat.


Mel Carriere profile image

Mel Carriere 12 months ago from San Diego California

I trip over or stub my toe on these little buggers all the time while making my appointed rounds, so needless to say I am not much of a fan and will never send so much as a penny to any gnome rescue group, though I am barraged by their junk mail. I wish I could post my picture of my gnome eating dinosaur, but if you google those same words you can see it. Refreshingly wonderful read.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 12 months ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you Mel. Owners of gnomes should make sure they are using them in a responsible manner to avoid such mishaps. (I like your screen name.)


MelRootsNWrites profile image

MelRootsNWrites 10 months ago from California

My goodness! I had no idea that gnomes had been upgraded from humorous and slightly creepy lawn ornaments to take no prisoners security personnel. I do believe training is necessary if one wants to use them as a weapon. I wouldn't want to get caught at the wrong end of one of those pointy hats.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 10 months ago from California Gold Country Author

Thanks for commenting, MelRootsNWrites. Training is recommended.


rajan jolly profile image

rajan jolly 7 months ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

Lol ! That sure is one more way these affable personalities can bring peace into our lives. As it is, they make our gardens colourful and a relaxed place to be in.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 7 months ago from California Gold Country Author

I guess they are all over the world. Thank you for commenting, rajan jolly.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Rochelle Frank profile image

    Rochelle Frank1,662 Followers
    114 Articles

    Rochelle Frank started writing humorous bits for her college newspaper. Her funny observations have continued in print and online.



    Click to Rate This Article
    working