Warning, DO NOT read this if you don't want to die laughing.

Tattoo

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

 "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred pound note on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred pound note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred quid anytime you want."

Awwww Sh*t!!!
Awwww Sh*t!!!
Irish Weather Forecasting Device
Irish Weather Forecasting Device
If You Laugh You Are a Bad Person.
If You Laugh You Are a Bad Person.

Two Nuns

There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too..

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives..

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?   SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?  A nun with her dress up can run faster than man  with his pants down.   And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,   say two Hail Marys!

Tesco

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

"Listen don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

Maths

I read this and finally understood everything

Mathematics

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these

questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull$hit and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.

Don't you just Love it!!!

Viagra Body Stocking
Viagra Body Stocking
Viagra Hospital
Viagra Hospital

Actual Adverts Placed in Newspapers.

Little Billy

When Name Calling Isn't Swearing!

Office Memo

May all members of staff please note that there will only be one drink per person at this year's Christmas Party.

Please bring your own cup !

Regards, Management

Office Memo

T-Shirts K-Mart would never dare sell.

Cinderella

We know all girls like fairy tales……

So, ever wondered what happened to Cinderella?.

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

 

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?  The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"  Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

    

 "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.  Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"  The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"  Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,  and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "Bet you're sorry you neutered me now."

Hope you all enjoyed these and they cheered up your day :)

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Comments 49 comments

Nayberry profile image

Nayberry 7 years ago from nayphat@yahoo.com

I love it!! The Cinderella Story was my favorite and my mom really likes the one about the two nuns. FUN-NY!

Tootles!!!


rockinjoe profile image

rockinjoe 7 years ago from Standing right behind you!

Ha ha! Awesome hub. I like these "everything in one convenient place" type of hubs.

You're too much! (Poor Ray Charles)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks to both Nayberry and Joe, glad these made you laugh too :)


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

A good laugh before bed and I just got interrogated by the wife for it.


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

I hope you never run out of stuff like this! Makes the world a littler healthier, and better! Thanks for the laughs! :D


sheenarobins profile image

sheenarobins 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

hahahaha. I love Tesco and Cinderella. nice!


robkmf profile image

robkmf 7 years ago from Orlando, FL

I've got one. A bit dirty, but funny:

It's Little Jimmy's birthday and he wakes up really excited.

He runs into his father's room and screams "Daddy! Daddy! its my birthday, guess how old I am!" Dad says "Um, you're 11 today?" Disappointed, Jimmy says, "No Dad, I'm 10." Ever-so-resilient, Jimmy shrugs it off and tries his luck with his mother in her room. "Mommy! Mommy! Its my birthday, guess how old I am!" Mother replies "You are 9 today." Jimmy now very disappointed says "No Mom, I'm 10, thanks a lot." So Jimmy decides to try one last time with his grandmother and runs into her bedroom. "Grandma! Its my birthday! Guess how old I am!" So grandma fondles little Jimmy's nut sack for like half an hour. Finally she says "Ahh, you're 10 today." So Jimmy is very confused and asks "Grandma, you can tell that I'm 10 just by fondling my nuts?" And she says "No, I heard you tell your mother in the other room."


ASHWINSPGA profile image

ASHWINSPGA 7 years ago from Lion City ( Singapore)

Miss Cindy i have been having a good laugh with all the funny hubs for the past couple of days but you take the cake when it comes to making me laugh the loudest. I can't stop laughing still at the nuns joke, i thought there was going to be sexy fun at the end.....Very Very Disappionted!!! Just loved this entire hub. And you simply are the best when it comes to producing something so hilarious to brighten the day. Thank you and love you sooo much Miss Cindy


bhoge profile image

bhoge 7 years ago from India

HaHHa i am still laughing Thanks for the good laugh hub Cindy!!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Everyone, really enjoy making people laugh and sharing this around. Will try to keep them coming as long as I can produce material for them :)


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

Dang. I guess I'm a bad person cause that made me laugh. Loved this hub, great job!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

In that case I am a bad person too Gwendy :) Thanks for popping in and commenting.


maestrowhit profile image

maestrowhit 7 years ago from Virginia

I wasn't expecting this to be so funny. I was busting up laughing. This is awesome!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Maestro, lovely to make you laugh out loud, always a good sign :)


funride profile image

funride 7 years ago from Portugal

You were right I almost died laughing while reading this hub :D

Definitely a Big thumb up ;)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Cheers funride, glad you lived to tell the tale :)


Elena. profile image

Elena. 7 years ago from Madrid

Ay mama mia!!! The jokes are hilarious, but the images are jackpot! Those word adds, geez, they go from crazy to completely bonkers! Thanks for the laughs!


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 7 years ago from South Africa

Hi Misty great laffs. thank you.


J_Eds profile image

J_Eds 7 years ago from Blackpool

Brilliant fun, thnka for putting together a great selection humour! :D


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Elena, Sixty and J_Eds, glad they gave you a good laugh :)


Bruce Elkin profile image

Bruce Elkin 7 years ago from Victoria, BC Canada

Great laughs, Misty. And now I understand Math! Perfect!

CHeers!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Bruce, that is definitely the easy way to learn maths :)


mrkleen profile image

mrkleen 7 years ago

This hub is the bomb, keep them coming!!!!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks mrkleen :)


marketingmergenow profile image

marketingmergenow 7 years ago from Spokane

Great hub! I kick out out of the fan & vacuum cleaner. That really blew me away. Thanks that really made my day.

marketingmergenow


Madison Parker profile image

Madison Parker 7 years ago from California

Those were hysterical. I'm not sure which I laughed at most! Funny stuff!

Madison


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA

Thanks Misty, I vote for Tesco and Cinderella. Nuns are evergreen in my country too...Ha, ha, ha....


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Everyone, glad these gave all of you a good chuckle :)


logic,commonsense 7 years ago

Misty you are my kind of girl! These are great! Where did you get them?


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Logic. Most of them get emailed to me by friends and family :)


bewbiez 7 years ago

I LOVE THE RABBITS!! THEY ARE SO ADORABLE!!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Bewbiez, they are rather cute aren't they!


kephrira profile image

kephrira 7 years ago from Birmingham

another very funny hub!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Kephrira, pleased you enjoyed it :)


fortunerep profile image

fortunerep 7 years ago from North Carolina

That was so cool and funny as crap!! Thankyou for the laugh, needed it.

dori


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Dori, glad you got a laugh out of them too :)


advisor4qb profile image

advisor4qb 7 years ago from On New Footing

TOO FUNNY!


Kim Garcia 7 years ago

Thanks!!! I needed a good laugh today!!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Ah, Cindy! These are priceless. Priceless, too, is reading through the comments. So many wonderful hubbers are no longer active. Glad to see you're still around. Hope the project with you and Hubby is progressing well. Hugs, MM


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

ROLF! Can't believe I haven't seen this hub! Love the short stories, especially the logical nun!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks advisor4qb, glad it gave you a good laugh.

Cheers Kim, I am delighted this brightened up your day.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Mighty Mom, fabulous to see you here, I have missed you and all the other Hubbers who have been less active recently. I think it all went wrong when people started turning of notifications because it was getting out of hand checking all the email coming through. I have since turned off my notifications too, but I have picked out a load of my favourite Hubbers and added them to my RSS feed so I get emails telling me when they publish a new hub. Having said that, I haven't had much time for reading hubs lately, so have a load of catching up to do. Our "project" is going well, and I shall be in the UK around the 15th October for the first cycle. Keep your fingers crossed for me ;)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Mayhmong, lovely to see you here and thanks for the great feedback :)


THE LIP profile image

THE LIP 7 years ago from PLANET EARTH-SOMEWHERE IN ASIA

Long back a sexy stranger would appear on the horizon and ask Clint Eastword-"Play Misty For Me"back in the early 70's.now in 2009 I must ask Misty to come out of the horizon

and send a follow up to this gem of a hub that had me rolling in the aisle while my wife was stiff worried that I'd finally lost.

I don't know if I'm still alive or on the verge of dying as I laugh my butt off.Can u imagine how hard it is typing with one hand and using the other to wipe away those tears?

Indeed the hub n illustrative pics were rocking and Im sure I'm going to read it atleast once a day to get my share of laughter as I do believe that "Laughter is the Best Medicine.

Thanks a ton for making my weekend with this heavy dose of a laughter inducing hub.My only grudge is that I had to strain my eyes to read the small font size on the contrasting color combo like red on black or was it blue on black.None the less I'm not complaining.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks for the great feedback The Lip. You may not have read all of my other similar hubs designed to make you laugh, so it is worth you taking a look at those too. I will add links to all of the ones so far at the end of this hub in case you are interested. :)


travel_man1971 profile image

travel_man1971 6 years ago from Bicol, Philippines

Hey, Misty, you eally made me laugh. Especially, the two nuns, I thought...(laughter).


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

LOL, thanks travel_man1971, glad it gave you a laugh :)


paul 6 years ago

yeah good them did piss ma self nice 1 misty x


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Paul, really glad they gave you a good laugh as I intended :)

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