Welcome to the Just-Pay-Us Superstores homepage: The mega-store you deserve.

Just-Pay-Us Superstores

 

Welcome to the preview page of Just-Pay-Us Superstores. In upcoming months you will find us popping up on a street corner near you and all your shopping needs will be made convenient for us.

From outside to in, Just-Pay-Us Superstores will make noises as if we have your best interest at heart, and because we know how stupid you are, we've designed everything the way we know you would have wanted it if you were smart enough to know what you liked in a store. You used to be confused and we get it. We're here to save you from yourself.

You used to think you liked outdated old fashioned service where sales folk were humble and actively willing to involve themselves with your shopping needs. BUT, you also used to think you liked those cheap-o stores with horrific service but that had crap loads of poor quality merchandise for an incredibly low price.

The truth is you didn't know what you wanted. In the end, however, you let thriftiness decide. Ultimately the verdict is in and cheap-ass garbage outweighed quality and service. Which is fine with us, because we don't give a... darned. We just want to make a buck. You voted with your patronage for the success of horrible stores that treat you like ass, destroy lives, cultures and the environment and we at Just-Pay-Us Superstores are prepared to give you what you want.

 

This will never happen, we promise!
This will never happen, we promise!

Parking

For starters, all our parking lots will have the parking stalls painted very narrow: to punish anyone who drives a pickup or an SUV, despite how we buy our goods from countries with no environmental controls at all and whose factories puke more toxins into the rivers and oceans than anything American companies do these days. Plus, our narrow spots will allow for greater numbers of door dings and will humiliate anyone fat enough to require their door be open more than six inches to get in or out of their car. God it's so fun to watch you on the cameras in our parking lots. Have another cheeseburger there, Chief, you can work it off some other day. But that's not all. We promise that our lots will always be painted with straight stalls, none of those easy to get in and out of diagonal lines. We know how much you like to back up and straighten out several times when you go in and out of a parking spot and we derive particular joy watching older people try to drive.

Our Stores

But wait, we're not even started yet. Just wait till you get inside. The first thing you see will be our huge array of every possible product known to man. We will have the most enormous inventory you can imagine and we assure you not one of our employees will know anything about any of it. And, should we accidentally hire someone who knows about some element or another of our merchandise, you have our express guarantee that they will never be scheduled when you are there, they will hide from you or take a break if they are there, or they will be so rude and condescending as to make you want to stab yourself in the face repeatedly with a fork. In fact, we will send them to special classes to make sure they know how to roll their eyes, smack their gum, talk on their cell phones, and have the ability to never smile no matter how pleasant you try to be.

(I seriously wasted like two hours on this picture LOL)
(I seriously wasted like two hours on this picture LOL)

And our prices, woah baby, wait till you check them out. Once all the quality stores with their blabby helpful salespeople and over priced quality products are gone, we will be able to raise the price on the cheap shit we sell you until it costs just as much as the good stuff use to do. Once the demand for workmanship and customer service is dead and buried for good, we can import so much more garbage from sweat shops overseas, and you'll be able to enjoy all those cheap products you used to always like and still get to pay prices that make you feel as if you are getting quality. Imagine buying a Kia for the price of a Cadillac! Everybody wins.

This crap is everywhere now.
This crap is everywhere now.

Check Out

In addition to overpriced poor quality merchandise and elusive, impossible to find assistance, we promise to have only one teller on duty at any time, no matter how busy the store might be. And not only that, we will always have lots of those f-ing annoying Self Check-out stands ready for your convenience so that at the end of your miserable experience wandering around trying to find things on your own, you will never be forced to have someone ring up your purchases and take your money with a smile. No, not here. At Just-Pay-Us Superstores you will always enjoy doing that yourself, especially if you have bought produce or want to exchange the propane tank for your BBQ. At Just-Pay-Us Superstores we never have to serve you at all. So just come in, wander around until you figure out what you want and then give us your money before you get the hell out already, Jezus, what's taking you so long? You'll like it, we swear. We've actually got you convinced this is a good idea. "Just Pay Us," as we like to say.

After the Sale Service

Once you're done, head on back to our parking lot by yourself and load up your own damn car. Please feel free to leave the shopping cart wherever you want in the parking lot too because we honestly don't care what you do. We promise not have any employees gathering them up so they will always just be there rolling around or hanging half in the gardens around the place taking up all the good parking stalls.

Other Services

In addition to our fine location and excellent lack of service, we also offer full service banking at our bank of ATM's. Our fees are no more exorbitant than any of the rest of the banks so, well, deal with it. At least we don't have to talk to you. Please feel free to deposit as much of your money as you want and we assure you we will never charge you fees for anything that we don't want to charge you for.

In addition, our customer service has reached a level of service never seen before. If you have any complaints or issues with our company, please call our 100% automated help line at 1-800-EFF-YOU2. You have our honest and legally binding pledge that we will without fail have someone willing to help you should you manage somehow to navigate through the system that far. If you can figure out how to reach them, they will ultimately prove powerless and incapable of doing anything, but, they will be equipped with a book of many patronizing phrases that will make you feel so much better about having been blown off. This is our pledge to you.

Just-Pay-Us Superstores. Coming soon. Giving you what you deserve.

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Comments 45 comments

Shirley Anderson profile image

Shirley Anderson 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Think I've shopped here.

I see Spryte's Mr. Bunny has become a well-known character in hubs now. :)

Great and humourous, as always, Shadesbreath!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

lol, Yep, Spryte may rue the day some day, but, well fodder for fun and a nice inside joke for the community.

Thanks for the read and comment, btw. :)


Ananta65 8 years ago

I do expect that staff will be available to distribute the elderly people evenly across all checkouts so that I am guaranteed to experience the pleasure of some old lady looking for those last nickels and dimes to pay the exact money.

In addition I trust that each and every shopping cart will be equipped with at least one wheel being stuck, making sure that the cart will always go into the opposite direction of where I want it to go.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Hah, as if our carts actually have 4 wheels. Frankly, Ananta ,you are the optomistic sucker we plan on owning.


Ananta65 8 years ago

I am doing my best to fit your Customer Profile, Shadesbreath! :)


pgrundy 8 years ago

Do I detect a note of sarcasm in this? And after these kinds of stores "Save the Average Family $2500 each year"? (Well, that's what the billboards say anyhoo!) It's so great to know that, only in America, I can run into a store a pick up a gallon of milk, a lawn tractor, and a pygmy goat, all under that same roof! And I never have to speak to another human being! Yay!

Another awesome hub, Shadesbreath.


Ananta65 8 years ago

Notes of sarcasm will probably be on sale, Pam! Get one free with each purchase of a pygmee goat :)


pgrundy 8 years ago

Oh cool! I am SO there!


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Funny I thought you had never been to South Africa or shopped in one of our Hypermarkets. You have obviously stolen the blueprint from one of the two competing chains that try to outdo each other in alleged customer service. I take it you will teach your staff to have loud conversations with the checkout person 3 till points away while ignoring the customers on line? If not I can offer cheap effective classes, to teach them, if you wish, for a moderate fee (travel included of course). Also they need to know when to put up the closed sign. normally after you have waited out 3 or 4 people in the line ahead of you with full trolleys. The manager must also conveniently disappear at this point so that  a loud "bugger this I want to see the manager" will have no effect as no one will be around to attend to you. Or of course you could pick a pre-filled trolley which has convenienly been abandoned (er strategically placed) so that you can simply pick it up and wait until charged at the checkout to see exactly what anf how much you have bought.

Perhaps instead of refilling the shelves some of the staff could prepare pre-filled trolleys?

Anyhow I'm off to Venice again soon. I will then do Venice revisited!

Great hub.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I do hope you will be perpetually remodelling, and moving things around, for my convenience. Makes me like like more of a hunter/gatherer.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Hilariously accurate as always. I always seem to pick the checkout operated by the retarded person. On one occasion I managed to get two of them in the same day at different supermarkets. It was frustrating as heck because the one lad took about five minutes simply to pick up all my change that he had dropped on the end of the conveyor where my groceries were. I suspect the problem was that he also had a deformed hand. Now I am all for these unfortunate people having jobs in the community, but is putting them on the checkouts really a sensible choice of job for them!

Another funny occasion we went to our local Co-Op and were overcharged for one of the items. Not realising this mistake until we got home my Husband phoned up the shop to let them know what had happened. The guy on the other end of the phone said, "Do you know who it was that served you?" and my Husband, as diplomatic as ever said, "It was the big fat bloke", to which the guy on the other end of the phone answered, "That must have been me then".

How embarrassing.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Ananta, you too eh? Can't decide between cheap and service? It's catch 22 I suppose. We get what we deserve for our indecision though.

Pgrund... sarcasm? Moi? Impossible.

Sixty, so what you're saying is this is pandemic. Does global trade mean that everyone is going to get crappy service everywhere? If that's the case then eventually, once we all die, there will be no one left to notice how bad the service is. Everyone can just snarl at each across the counters and phone lines of business and it will all seem quite normal. The funny thing is, at some point, someone will "invent" good service, come up with the "idea" of treating people special and all of a sudden the "novelty" will become the new vogue. Full service gas stations and friendly counter folk will start popping up all over. Perhaps it's a cycle. (And, you know, I like that prefilled trolley idea, as long as the put crap in there that I want, that could save me some time. Too bad that's not what you meant lol).

BT... I can't believe I didn't think of that. That's so true.

Misty, I'd say more about the first tell you spoke of but I'm working on a project on that vein so I shall refrain from tipping my cards lol. The "fat bloke" thing is pretty damn funny though. The guy is probably used to it, but sounds like one of the moments your husband wishes he could have back. The old hoof in mouth disease. Heh heh.


Amanda Severn profile image

Amanda Severn 8 years ago from UK

This all sounds horribly familiar! I take it that your store will have zero customer service, and never, ever have enough change in the till? And the mould on the fresh fruit comes free of charge? And the rodent droppings get left on the shelves for a little extra je n'est sais quoi? Wonderful! It should be a winner!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

We'll have to wait till all other businesses have been crushed first of course, Amanda, but given current trends, I'm sure mouldy produce will be acceptable once the last of the stores still holding on to outdated ideas of freshness have been put assunder by cheapness and paradoxical shopping habits.


talented_ink profile image

talented_ink 8 years ago from USA

What the hell?! I thought the Just Pay Us superstores were only in Texas. I really hope you never stop writing because your work is as honest as it is sarcastic and hilarious.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Nope, they're everywhere. And if you read the comments you saw, as did I, that they are popping up in South Africa and England and Australia too I believe. Service is on the down swing.

And I couldn't stop writing if I wanted to, this crap either gets written down or my head explodes. lol Thanks for saying that though.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Why oh why don't I think of going to stores like this more often? Instead I have to play "dodge the clerk" at the local Safeway. Seriously, they are STALKERS! It's like they're some sort of Stepford Clerks...always smiling and asking me if I've found everything. I honestly didn't realize we were playing some sort of grocery hide & seek game...so I just tell them "yep."

And it's horrible...truly HORRIBLE how they go out of their way to make me feel like some helpless old lady always asking me if I need help out to my car. What? Don't I look perfectly capable of rolling a damn cart out the door and packing my own trunk?

Yesterday, while I was ogling the pre-packaged sandwhich meat and thinking of something totally ungrocerylike, one of those clerks snuck up behind me...and just stood there...waiting...until I turned around so she could act all cheerful and ask if she could help me. The nerve....

And as for Mr. Bunny...I never buy el cheapo batteries, which is why he keeps going, and going, and going....


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

LOL  I knew the bunny / battery thing would engergize at some point lol.  And, as for all that help at your safeway, enjoy it while you can.  Although, I have to say, the ammount your are getting seems unnatural even at the better stores.  As I recall, you had the crew of the fishing boat falling all over you too, so, there may be an aesthetic element working on your behalf that the rest of don't have access to. Should that be the case, I'm certain that you and those like you will manage to draw the Just Pay Us employees out of the woodwork too.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Nahhhh...I don't think it's anything like that. I probably look like a shop lifter or something. Actually, I do have a rather pretentious habit of going through stores with my sunglasses on...but they're prescription and I'm too lazy to take them off and put on my regular glasses. Perhaps they think I'm some star in cognito!!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

We had one "Trolley Collector" hanging around the boot of our car for five mniutes waiting for us to unload the trolley so he could whisk it away. Very offputting and I doubt I have ever unloaded a trolley so fast!

What I really really hate is when you go into an electrical store to buy a fridge or a cooker, and you almost immediately get accosted by a highly programmed sales assistant. They start by asking you "open questions", e.g, not "Can I help you?", but, "HOW can I help you?", so stopping you from saying "no thanks, I am just looking".

After they have beaten you verbally into submission, they promptly try to sell you an extended warranty at an exorbitant price, (believe me I know, as I used to work for one of these retailers here in the UK).

The reason I left the job was that I felt we were expected to seriously underestimate the public's intelligence, and I told them so upon leaving. They persuaded me to stay the first time, but a few months later I left anyway for the same reasons.

Now if I need to buy one of these appliances I tell the first assistant who approaches me that I used to work for an electrical retailer and know all the sales pitch. It works a treat and they quickly leave me to get on with my shopping. The last one I went to didn't even know his own stock, and I soon pointed out to him the fact that a certain fridge they did have in "such and such a size" as it was on display, (even though he told me it didn't come in that size).

Ahhhhhhrrrrgggghhhhh!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

PS. You should try living in Tenerife, as the veg they sell in their supermarkets is the same age as the stuff any UK or American supermarket would have put in their bins/skips by now. Frequently it has gone wrinkly and mouldy looking, yet instead of reducing the price they sell it at the normal rate, (which is really expensive because of the importation costs to an island).


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Yeah, yeah, sure sure Spryte. :P

And it's funny Misty, I do the same thing with car guys... or pretty much any sales guy really. Just tell them, I'll call them when I want them and when they go for the first sales technique for countering that, I'll call them on it by its name and tell them scamper off or I'm leaving. I H A T E salespeople. When I was doing sales training, I always tried to teach my guys NOT to be a "salesman" but to be a friendly, attentive (as in paying attention to them, not attending aka hounding them) human with fantastic product knowledge. THAT is how you sell imo.

And WTF, mouldy fruit? I think I'd have to pass. Go ... like, graze my front lawn or something instead. Gross. Grow your own I guess. Build a greenhouse.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

At least I cured the Victoria's Secret sales staff of ever offering to help me again :)

Salesgirl (for the eighth time in 15 min): Can I help you?

Me (finally giving up): Yeah...okay, I'm looking for a thong.

Salesgirl: Well...we have these lovely ones here (holding up a pair for me to see)

Me: Hmmm...yeah well those could be a problem.

Salesgirl (looking puzzled): A problem? How so?

Me (in a loud Sandra Bullock Miss Congeniality voice): The crack of my ass isn't THAT wide. *snort, snort*

They don't even offer now...and I think after I've finished touching all the undies they may even break out the Lysol and disinfect.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Attentiveness and product knowledge are not isssues over here. The sales assistants are not that attentive mostly. If you ask for help you get the "i dunno lemme ask some one" .assistant dissapears never to return. They have also perfected the ability to look at you without seeing you. Altenatively you get the stalkers who don't leave you alone. A curt "just browsing" seems to them to sound like like "Ok follow me around" like I am going to shoplift or something.

Spryte I think reading between the lines you ave something going for you! Your thong story cracked me up!


C.S.Alexis profile image

C.S.Alexis 8 years ago from NW Indiana

I know this store. This is where I found two coworkers(store employees) doing the wild thing on a remote isle shelf. They didn't notice that I was even in the area. UGH! C.S.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

lol Spryte. Maybe you still have fish smell on your fingers from all that deep sea fishing, that would explain the Lysol they follow you around with.

I don't know Sixty, you do have larceny written on your face... I'd probably follow you around too just to be safe. You are a writer type after all, they are notoriously desperate and under-funded.

C.S.Alexis, that could be good or bad depending on the point of view and the appearance and enthusiasm of the couple. I have to say, it would have been tempting to find a manager and ask them "how much for the humping pair on aisle 15?" though.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

LOL!

"How much for the humping pair on aisle 15?"....

That would have been fun!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Fabulous, I would loved to have asked that question!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Would the answer have been $69 I wonder!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Seems likely, although probably more than they were worth (unless they were hawt I suppose).


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Stumbled into this Hub and conversation late -- feel a bit voyeuristic and naw-ty:-).

Thanks for the sendup of the ideal (lowdeal?) shopping experience, Shadesbreath! So, when someone yells "Cleanup on aisle 5" and nobody answers, is it ok to pull a Swiffer off the shelf? And do I have to pay for it myself?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

At Just-Pay-Us, we don't care what you do, just pay us. Clean it up, leave it there, whatever. We just want your money.

(Glad you stumbled in, voyeurism in hubs is always welcome)


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

"How much for the humping pair on aisle 15?"....This just totally cracked me up!

However, if one of them said "Can I help you sir?" perhaps the answer would be "no thanks just looking!"


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Depends which one asked, imo.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Will all the prices in the barcodes be 35% higher than the shelf prices? You must have that in order to compete with Pay-Us-Or-Else in the Midwest, you know.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Hmmm, sounds like a chain growing up out of New York. I'll have to bring this up to the board.

(Patty, that's the way it's going, ain't it? First they will treat us like crap, then they will force us to shop. After that serfdom returns.)


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Indeed, you are correct, Shadesbreath.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

OMG...."the company store"...it all comes back to that doesn't it?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Yep. They will give us a discount on gruel.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Remember the Sliders episode of people in hock to the great mall in the sky - couldn't get out because all their pay went toward their accounts...? Coming to a tragedy near us soon.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Not much of a TV watcher, so missed that... sounds like an episode I would like though.  And you might be right on the general idea.  I think the problem is that while many see the problem taking shape, the revolution doesn't have any leadership.  Until the right leader shows up (likely a product of suffering that we haven't gotten to yet... at least not here) it will go on like it is.  

You know, it's funny, this hub and comments are so similar to Pgrundy's hub, albeit on the much, much lighter side.  But the parallels are there. People see it at least. Kinda like watching the train come with your foot frozen to the track.

Pgrundy's more serious look at the same basic idea:

http://hubpages.com/hub/Does-the-mainstream-media-...


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Shade: I don't remember which hub I saw your comment about how everything is a cycle...but I'll say it here, you are absolutely right. Once the scales are tipped far enough in favor of the "Haves" and life is no longer comfortable, or rather there is no longer the illusion of comfort, for the "Have-nots"...there will probably be a forced change.

I can't even begin to foresee what event will bring that down on our heads, but we are getting riper for it by the day. When I think about the potential for it...the endless possibilities that might cause one person or a group of people with a mob mentality to snap...my brain boggles.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

I think that was in Pgrundy's "Trust the News" one. And yep, that's pretty much how it always works. Any look at history will show how often and inevitble the cycle is. I don't think we're anywhere near the point of that yet, but we're clearly marching along.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

Mr. Shades Breath; Just-Pay-Us Superstores; President & CEO:

Dear Mr. Breath:

Let me begin by saying that as the first international super superstore consultant, it was a pleasure working with you and your incompetent staff to decrease the competency of your employees while increasing your profits. With my masters degrees in miscommunication, ineffeciency, and procrastination, I was uniquely qualified to assist you in your new corporate strategy, BTWB, or Baffle Them With Bull.

As you will recall, our contract entitled you to one follow-up evaluation totally at my convenience. Frankly, it is an inconvenience for me to do it now, as I have people to go and places to meet, I give you my thoughts now anyway because, as they say, there is no time like tomorrow (except that I'm busy tomorrow).

Sir! Imagine my pleasant surprise to read your corporate newsletter. You have really taken MY program to new heights, previously only dreamed of by corporate raiders, criminal masterminds, and little kids with lemonade stands putting on their "we haven't eaten in 3 days" sad-sack faces just to make a dime. Kudos to you, sir! You are an inspiration. How is the "put the mom and pops out of business" strategy working? Well, I trust.

You also get star points for your brilliant phone number! I actually called this number (1-800-333-9682)and got a recording telling me to call a different number for "live" talk. Brilliant!

I do have one small bone to pick: You state that you "wasted 2 hours" on your important illustration. Really, Mr. Breath, that was a 5 hour time-eating job if ever I saw one. Try to stretch it out next time.

It has been my pleasure. If I can be of any further assistance, call someone else.

Sincerely,

Thomas J. Gobsmack

You Pin 'Em, I'll Skin 'Em, Inc.

Good work! Very funny and true, and a pleasure to read! I should have just written a hub and called it a day.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Mister Reilly,

We can't thank you enough for your fantastic work with our staff. Why just the other day I saw one of our employes spit into the face of a customer who had asked them where they might find a can of Mushroom Soup. I was so proud to see that happen and knew then and there that the extra $4,000 we spent on your "Expectoration" class was money so well spent. Your consultation was excellent and we assure you that your bill will possibly be paid the moment we get it if at all.

Thanks again for your great training and consult.

Sincerely,

The Management.

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