Welcome to the Just-Pay-Us Superstores homepage: The mega-store you deserve.
Welcome to the preview page of Just-Pay-Us Superstores. In upcoming months you will find us popping up on a street corner near you and all your shopping needs will be made convenient for us.
From outside to in, Just-Pay-Us Superstores will make noises as if we have your best interest at heart, and because we know how stupid you are, we've designed everything the way we know you would have wanted it if you were smart enough to know what you liked in a store. You used to be confused and we get it. We're here to save you from yourself.
You used to think you liked outdated old fashioned service where sales folk were humble and actively willing to involve themselves with your shopping needs. BUT, you also used to think you liked those cheap-o stores with horrific service but that had crap loads of poor quality merchandise for an incredibly low price.
The truth is you didn't know what you wanted. In the end, however, you let thriftiness decide. Ultimately the verdict is in and cheap-ass garbage outweighed quality and service. Which is fine with us, because we don't give a... darned. We just want to make a buck. You voted with your patronage for the success of horrible stores that treat you like ass, destroy lives, cultures and the environment and we at Just-Pay-Us Superstores are prepared to give you what you want.
For starters, all our parking lots will have the parking stalls painted very narrow: to punish anyone who drives a pickup or an SUV, despite how we buy our goods from countries with no environmental controls at all and whose factories puke more toxins into the rivers and oceans than anything American companies do these days. Plus, our narrow spots will allow for greater numbers of door dings and will humiliate anyone fat enough to require their door be open more than six inches to get in or out of their car. God it's so fun to watch you on the cameras in our parking lots. Have another cheeseburger there, Chief, you can work it off some other day. But that's not all. We promise that our lots will always be painted with straight stalls, none of those easy to get in and out of diagonal lines. We know how much you like to back up and straighten out several times when you go in and out of a parking spot and we derive particular joy watching older people try to drive.
But wait, we're not even started yet. Just wait till you get inside. The first thing you see will be our huge array of every possible product known to man. We will have the most enormous inventory you can imagine and we assure you not one of our employees will know anything about any of it. And, should we accidentally hire someone who knows about some element or another of our merchandise, you have our express guarantee that they will never be scheduled when you are there, they will hide from you or take a break if they are there, or they will be so rude and condescending as to make you want to stab yourself in the face repeatedly with a fork. In fact, we will send them to special classes to make sure they know how to roll their eyes, smack their gum, talk on their cell phones, and have the ability to never smile no matter how pleasant you try to be.
And our prices, woah baby, wait till you check them out. Once all the quality stores with their blabby helpful salespeople and over priced quality products are gone, we will be able to raise the price on the cheap shit we sell you until it costs just as much as the good stuff use to do. Once the demand for workmanship and customer service is dead and buried for good, we can import so much more garbage from sweat shops overseas, and you'll be able to enjoy all those cheap products you used to always like and still get to pay prices that make you feel as if you are getting quality. Imagine buying a Kia for the price of a Cadillac! Everybody wins.
In addition to overpriced poor quality merchandise and elusive, impossible to find assistance, we promise to have only one teller on duty at any time, no matter how busy the store might be. And not only that, we will always have lots of those f-ing annoying Self Check-out stands ready for your convenience so that at the end of your miserable experience wandering around trying to find things on your own, you will never be forced to have someone ring up your purchases and take your money with a smile. No, not here. At Just-Pay-Us Superstores you will always enjoy doing that yourself, especially if you have bought produce or want to exchange the propane tank for your BBQ. At Just-Pay-Us Superstores we never have to serve you at all. So just come in, wander around until you figure out what you want and then give us your money before you get the hell out already, Jezus, what's taking you so long? You'll like it, we swear. We've actually got you convinced this is a good idea. "Just Pay Us," as we like to say.
After the Sale Service
Once you're done, head on back to our parking lot by yourself and load up your own damn car. Please feel free to leave the shopping cart wherever you want in the parking lot too because we honestly don't care what you do. We promise not have any employees gathering them up so they will always just be there rolling around or hanging half in the gardens around the place taking up all the good parking stalls.
In addition to our fine location and excellent lack of service, we also offer full service banking at our bank of ATM's. Our fees are no more exorbitant than any of the rest of the banks so, well, deal with it. At least we don't have to talk to you. Please feel free to deposit as much of your money as you want and we assure you we will never charge you fees for anything that we don't want to charge you for.
In addition, our customer service has reached a level of service never seen before. If you have any complaints or issues with our company, please call our 100% automated help line at 1-800-EFF-YOU2. You have our honest and legally binding pledge that we will without fail have someone willing to help you should you manage somehow to navigate through the system that far. If you can figure out how to reach them, they will ultimately prove powerless and incapable of doing anything, but, they will be equipped with a book of many patronizing phrases that will make you feel so much better about having been blown off. This is our pledge to you.
Just-Pay-Us Superstores. Coming soon. Giving you what you deserve.
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