Dr. Laura's Religion

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A Humorous Email from a Friend

Readers: I am sure that this has been printed before, and I am in no way taking credit for it, I just thought it was funny and I wanted to post it.

On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to
Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US
resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge
with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the
homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22
clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements
of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for
her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how
do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.
How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of
two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do
with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum,
Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian :)

More by this Author


Comments 3 comments

Petra Vlah profile image

Petra Vlah 6 years ago from Los Angeles

This is hilarious and your friend is a brilliant interviewer; I am sure God will provide us with the answers in an amended Bible soon to be released. Can't wait...always wanted to own a Canadian


DFiduccia profile image

DFiduccia 4 years ago from Las Vegas

OMg—what a great rebuttal!

DF


Aunt Jimi profile image

Aunt Jimi 4 years ago from The reddest of the Red states!

This is great! It may have been circulating for a long time, but I've never seen it before. I'm not a Dr. Laura fan. Lots of people think she's a psychologist or a counselor or a medial doctor, but really, her Ph.D. is in English.

I believe the coming and successful life of Jesus removed a lot of abominations from the sin list. In fact, one can now be forgiven and made right before God by accepting Jesus Christ as their Savior and letting Him work through them for good.

Anyway, it just seems to me a lot of people have lost confidence in God to do His job. He's a pretty old guy, after all. Most people over 90 or so start getting a little forgetful and such, and God is a LOT older than 90, so I guess that's what worries some people.

So I think a lot of self identified Christians feel like they have to ignore the work God has given them to do in thislife in order to help God out in His dotage -- you know, judging people and so forth. Making sure sinners know who they are, and more importantly, making sure the rest of us know who they are, and that they're going straight to Hell, no exceptions. If possible, these do-gooders who are themselves perfect in every way will assist these abominable sinners (no relation to the yeti that we know of) in finding a short cut to Hell so they won't keep cluttering up the planet for the perfect people.

It seems to me that if someone isn't harming anyone, we ought to have mercy and forgiveness for their sins just like most of us need for our own. The Bible says if you have love for your fellow humans that will go a long way in making up for your own shortcomings. If you can't forgive those who have sinned against you, then don't expect a lot of forgiveness yourself, you know?

I understand that most of the people who dare to comment on this hub are atheists because most Christians would be afraid to. That's because the other good Christians on this site would then shun them. It's a death sentence for your hubs if you don't comment on the right hubs or make the right comments. You'd better be a Christian and you'd better be a Conservative or your progress will be very slow on this site. You will want to rely on non-hubbers, which we all need to do anyway over time, but most hubbers will avoid you like the plague if you are not a Christian Conservative.

I am a Christian, (not a conservative) and I commune with Jesus several times daily. He never tells me to lie the way he tells Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin. I'm still scratching my head over that. Never knew God to tell people to lie, but they keep saying He told them to say what they're sayin'.

Hopefully when I get to Heaven I'll be in a different section than most of the good finger pointing Christians because if I'm not, then it just won't seem like Heaven. I believe we all answer for ourselves and our own thoughts and words and deeds. No one else does. I believe in live and let live so long as a person isn't a danger to society (killing, raping, abusing children, etc.).

Homesexuals can do whatever they want with other consenting adults and it's OK with me. They can get married and that's OK with me. I think it would be pretty awful to be denied the ability to be with the person or persons you care about most in this world. Life is hard enough without that.

Just because some people aren't aware of the fact that most homosexuals do not choose their sexual orientation, just because some people haven't brought their knowledge up to the 21st century, is no excuse for tormenting and torturing other people. Bad enough to be born into a world where everyone hates people who are different from themselves, but to be tortured on top of it by not being allowed to have your best and dearest friends to be around you in life, or at your death bed, etc., just makes things worse. I think torturing people (the Inquisition) even in an effort to force them into one's own Godly mold is a sin.

In fact, the Bible makes pretty clear that believing yourself superior to other people because you are different from them, is a sin. Judging others and criticizing others because they don't subscribe to your ways is also a sin. We all need to perfect ourselves first and when we've accomplished that, we may look around and see who needs a little help with that goal.

I know, these good Christians really believe they are perfect, but no one is perfect.

I have known many atheists who behaved more Christian than a lot of Christians do. Maybe if Christians behaved more like the Bible says they should, there would be fewer atheists. Not my job to figure that out really.

My job, as I see it is to do all I can for anyone who needs help to get through this earth experience the best they can, no matter who they are. If I allow other people to live their life their own way, maybe they'll be generous enough to let me do the same. Again, so long as no one is being harmed.

RachaelLefler, stop being so petty. If it will make you feel better, I haven't so much as even glanced at a single add on this hub. Never do, no matter whose hub it is.

Thank you again for posting this. I love it. Going to send it to my perfect relatives and friends! Voting you UP, and awesome!!

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