What Happens When You Look at Porn Online

Mmm.. Pizza.

What's better than a delicious Pizza Hut meat lover's pizza, a cold 6 pack of beer, and a few questionable Google searches on a Friday night? Greasy fingers smeared across an unsanitary keyboard, urging your computer to enter the most questionable sites on the internet.

At the moment it seems like a good idea, but have you ever considered the repercussions? What really happens when you look at porn online? The truth is, your online shenanigans could be creating a pornographic time capsule accessible for thousands of years to come.

Poor Bill.

If you're like Bill up there, this has probably come as quite a shock to you. I know what you're thinking, what a donkey, a midget, a stripper, and an eggplant do is nobody's business but their own!

I really couldn't agree more, my friend. That's why I'm here to help. My entire mission in life is to help unshackle you from the bonds of your porn loving ways. I aim to provide you the knowledge necessary to forgo the shame and humiliation associated with partaking in the sins of the digital flesh.

Once you read this article you will know, and knowing is half the battle!

A Wicked Web We Weave

The first thing you need to consider is your web browsing history. Your web browser AUTOMATICALLY keeps track of EVERY SINGLE site you visit. Oh, you didn't know that, genius? You thought your browser was on your side? Well, you couldn't be more WRONG.

Let's face it. Your web browser is OUT TO GET YOU. In more ways than one actually. Try hitting CTRL+H right now (Hold down CTRL and press H at the same time, dumbbell). You see that SICK, TWISTED trail of bread crumbs you're leaving for your boss to find?

You think that just because you're "between jobs" and that you "sleep on your mom's couch" that you're safe? WRONG. Anyone who uses your computer is likely to find out about your sick fantasies. Can you really risk anyone finding out about your lust for ladyboys? Well, can you?!

Don't even get me started on the address bar. Start typing in the address to your favorite porn site in the address bar above. Go ahead, try it now, I can wait. Do you see how the address is already being filled in? Imagine poor aunt Gertrude coming over for a nice visit after church on Sunday and trying to type in Google and ending up at GoryGloryHoles.biz.

You think all of this is bad? I'm just getting started. You won't BELIEVE the type of filth you've been spreading.

Poor Aunt Gertrude, obviously not too amused with your online antics!
Poor Aunt Gertrude, obviously not too amused with your online antics!
I didn't say you deposited your cache at the bank, idiot. Put the guns away!
I didn't say you deposited your cache at the bank, idiot. Put the guns away!

Just Give Me the Cache and No-one Gets Hurt!

Every time you visit a website online your computer stores files from the website in its temporary internet files, sometimes known as your internet cache. Usually this is just images and the HTML documents that make up the sites you visit.

The reason your computer does this is its really, really smart. It knows you just can't get enough dirty, filthy pornography. So much so that it figures "F it, I'll just make a copy of these files. He's obviously going to look at them 5 times a day for the rest of his life. Why should I waste my precious clock cycles downloading it again?".

This creates a unique problem for the amateur pornographist. All of the smut soaked imagery you've grown to know and love now LIVES ON YOUR COMPUTER. These files aren't hidden very well either. Even your nerdy nephew with every net nanny on the block watching him could uncover your sultry stash of nudey niceties.

I know what you're probably thinking. Hey pops, this isn't 1998. I don't look at pictures online, I watch videos! Videos aren't cached! That might be true, smartass, but what about all the images used to create the site, or the disgusting advertisements? Remember Aunt Gertrude? She doesn't need any penis pills, so keep them to yourself!

Ugh.. This is Getting Boring.

I know, you're probably already reaching for your phone. Who cares about Gertrude? Johnny Cache died like 10 years ago..

Fret not, visual bliss is merely one click away. Below you'll find the reason why the GoPro was invented. I'll be in the kitchen fixing myself a cocktail while you check it out. Then after that we're back to business!

Let's Pause for Athletic Intrigue

You Can't Run, But You Can Hide.

Something about you being a disgusting pervert, Aunt Gertrude, your nerdy nephew.. It's all a blur to me now.

I think the point I was trying to get at is, if you're going to do questionable things online, you really need to cover your ass.

Have you ever heard of private browsing, dumby? Private browsing is your friend. In Firefox it's called opening a "new private window". In Google Chrome it's called a "new incognito window". Private browsing allows you to satiate your sick desires without leaving a trail. Pretty awesome, huh?

The only problem with private browsing is that your connection can still be monitored. Remember Bill from above? He works in your IT department. His job is to NAIL SCUMBAGS LIKE YOU TO THE WALL. He uses lots of newfangled high-tech devices to monitor your EVERY MOVE online.

When your computer connects to a website online, that connection can potentially be seen by everyone else on the network, including network administrators. Even your Internet Service Provider can see what you've been up to.

The best way to bypass the insanity is to use a proxy service such a Tor. Tor is a private, encrypted proxy network that bounces your traffic around the internet like a pinball to help keep your identity safe. The only downside is that Tor is RIDICULOUSLY slow, and more inclined to host pedophiles and terrorists. You don't want Bill to think you're a terrorist, do you?


Bill just found out that you're a terrorist!
Bill just found out that you're a terrorist!

For the Love of God, There MUST be a Better Way!

Woah kemosabe, you didn't think that after all this time I was going to leave you hanging, did you? I feel your pain. You want your porn, you want it fast, you want it secure, you want it private, and you're not going to pay a lot for that muffler.

Just chill out. You finally made it to the best part. I'm going to reveal the ULTIMATE GEM of knowledge. Are you worthy? Probably not. Do I care? Meh.


This is the exact face I'm making right now. Yes, I AM cartoon owl.
This is the exact face I'm making right now. Yes, I AM cartoon owl.

The Grand Prize

Guess what, Charlie? You just found the GOLDEN TICKET.

I know our journey together has been an arduous one, and for that, I salute you. From this day forward your pornographic pleasures shall be as pure as the driven snow.

Welcome to the world of TUNNELS! Remember the game chutes and ladders? This has nothing to do with that!

Tunnels allow you to access the internet securely through a remote location. This works much like a proxy, except it happens at the operating system level. This means you won't need to configure individual apps to use the tunnel. All of your traffic will go through the tunnel AUTOMAGICALLY.

There are a few services you can use FOR FREE to hide your tracks online. It's as easy as installing some software and clicking connect. You don't need any special technical abilities to use these sweet, sweet tunnels.

Drum roll please. Your ultimate grandmaster 2014 tunnel list has arrived:

  • Tunnel Bear - Cute, cuddly, ferocious, furry and free. Giddyup.
  • PrivateVPN - VPN, tunnel, call it what you want. Either way it hides your ass online.
  • Hotspot Shield - Unlimited access, supported by ads, so very hot.

Ok, maybe a LITTLE anticlimactic, but certainly enough to get you started. Just check out their sites, download the software, and you'll be good to go. Just remember to always use private browsing, even when you're tunneled deeper than Mario in level 1-2.

Time to Say Goodbye

I shed a single tear in your memory.
I shed a single tear in your memory.

I can't believe it's already over. I feel like we were just finally getting to know one another. Our thoughts, dreams, and desires discarded, like so many used tissues.

Until next time, happy trails to you, or lack thereof. Peace, love and pornography to all my friends.

1 comment

waseem30 profile image

waseem30 19 months ago from Faisalabad

nice

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