Where Did I Put My Keys?
Help! Where Are My Keys?
Hello, moron. Did you lose your keys again? And really, you just typed "where did I put my keys" into Google thinking that Google would find your keys for you? Or did you ask Siri to find your keys? And she referred you to this article, didn't she? Man, lucky for you that this is actually an article about how to find your keys.
Thankfully, I'm not just going to mock your stupidity, I'm actually going to help you find your keys because I'm sure you need to get into your house or your car or something. By the end of this article, you should have found your keys or be well on your way to finding them.
Check Your Pockets For Your Keys
One rule for finding your keys is to never overlook the obvious. Have you looked in your pockets yet? Seriously, look in your pant's pocket right now. They could be there. If they're not in your pants, try your coat. And if they're not in your coat, go through any clothing that may be lying on the floor because you easily could have left them in there.
Is there a hole in your pocket? Uh oh. That sucks. Those keys could be anywhere.
Do you have a wife? Ask her. She might have your keys. What about your kids? Kids are notorious for stealing keys. Make sure you ask everyone you know whether or not they've seen your keys. You may also want to call any stores where you've shopped and ask them to check their lost and found.
Retrace Your Steps to Find Your Keys
So the first thing you're going to want to do is retrace your steps. I know this seems obvious, but since you were stupid enough to look to Google or Siri to help you find your keys, I feel it would be dumb of me to overlook the obvious. For one thing, you're reading this article right now instead of retracing your steps, so you're probably not the brightest bulb in the Home Depot lighting aisle (and if you were in Home Depot, give them a call and ask them if they found your keys).
So where have you been? Let's work backward here. Prior to realizing you had lost your keys, you were being dropped off at your house by the taxi cab driver, so you might want to give the cab company a call and see if they can call the driver and maybe he'll look in the back seat for you. Of course, the cab driver picked you up at the massage parlor, where you were getting that world-renowned famous massage with the happy ending. Give a call over there and see if your keys are on the ground. They'll be sticky when you get them back, but you can clean them easily enough. Prior to the massage parlor, you were getting hammered at your local bar, so call your bartender and have him take a look around. Ask him politely to go look in the toilet because you were probably fumbling around in your pants trying to find your junk and your keys could have fallen into the urinal.
In other words, check everywhere you've been lately.
Check Every Place Where Keys Go
Sometimes the most common place to find your keys are in a place where keys generally go, like locks. So, check your front door before you start to panic. If the keys aren't in the front door, try the ignition of your car. Not in your car? Maybe they're in your bike lock? Not in your bike lock? Try your office door. Not in your office door? Try under your car. Lots of people drop their keys and then they fall under the car. Not under your car? Try your butt. Sometimes people put their keys in their butt.
Did Somebody Take Your Keys On Purpose?
Okay, be honest with yourself. Did you do something to somebody you live with that maybe wasn't so nice? Cheat on your wife? Kick your boyfriend's dog? Barf all over your husband's new Xbox 360?
If there was something you did that was really bad, maybe somebody stole your keys on purpose because they don't want you back in the house.
Have You Called a Locksmith?
Look I realize that a locksmith can be expensive, but if you're baby is inside screaming because she hasn't been fed in six hours, it's time to suck it up. There are more important things than finding your keys. They're probably in the baby's crib. Or maybe she's crying because she ate them. If there's a real emergency, better to get inside whatever you need to get inside of and eat the expense rather than trying to find keys that may not turn up for awhile.
Should I Change My Locks?
So at what point do you quit trying to find your keys and just change your locks? What are the odds that if you truly lost your keys, like dropped them in the park somewhere while you were humping that statue of the guy on the horse, that somebody is going to pick them up and actually use them to get into your house or steal your car?
I'd say the odds are very low. However, there is such a thing as peace of mind. So, if you've lost your keys, probably better to err on the safe side.
How To Avoid Losing Your Keys in the Future
I know a lot of people who, with their car key for instance, just use the car key and don't have it attached to anything. This makes losing the car key very easy. If you're going to use keys, it's often convenient to attach them all to a ring of some kind.
So there are the kind of people who take this literally and just connect all their keys together, but a ring of just keys is still pretty easy to lose. There is then a matter of degree when it comes to attaching something to the key ring that is big enough to help you keep from losing it. You can just attach a small trinket, like a rabbit's foot, and that might help you. Or you could go up to something as large as a car tire, which would certainly keep you from losing your keys but would be hard to fit into your pocket or to carry around regularly.
There are also now little GPS devices you can attach to your key ring so that when you do lose it, you can use your phone to locate your keys. I've put a link to just one such device in this capsule. They can be really handy and can locate other things you might be prone to losing.
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