Why I Wish Diana Ross Was Getting The Jackson Kids
I couldn’t help myself. When I heard the news that in Michael Jackson’s will he stipulated that should his mother no longer be living at the time of his death that he wanted Diana Ross to be the guardian of his three children I got downright giddy. Now I know that Diana Ross has raised something like six kids or something and probably is a decent enough mother but the catty gay in me couldn’t help but immediately rise to the surface as I stomped my foot, put my right hand up to Jesus and wished that she was getting the kids. Why you ask would that make me so happy? Because I imagine that the only thing better than having Michael Jackson dress you up in veils is to have Diana Ross putting a fabulous boa around you! Why I wish Diana Ross was getting the Jackson kids – Don’t Get Me Started!
In the words of a Michael Jackson song, “You wanna be starting something?” then Katherine Jackson needs to bow out and give the kids to The Boss, Ms. Diana Ross herself. Can you imagine THAT reality show? Within ten minutes of it being on the air people would wonder who the Kar-trashians were or the kids from The Hills.
I imagine lavish dinner parties with Bob Mackie in attendance (and attending to everyone’s wardrobe) while everyone tries to hug Diana Ross without getting entangled in her hair (or getting any of that ridiculous weave in their drink). Imagine the celebs who would drop by…I’m telling you that just thinking about it has me more excited than I have been in months. Each episode would open with a sort of homage to the old Doris Day show but instead of “Que Sara Sara”, it would start with either “I’m Coming Out” with Diana Ross greeting everyone at the front door or her classic “The Boss” with her pointing while the kids polish her gold and platinum albums. She could even do the “rhinestone glove” test in a sort of Mommie Dearest meets Michael from 80’s as she wears his famous glove to check their rooms for dust. Maybe one episode would see Mary Wilson drop by or Berry Gordy for a kind of Motown “remember when” episode where they would tell stories about their father and show old home movies of the Jacksons as kids. She could rehearse the kids endlessly and the next thing you know you have Prince Michael and Paris doing the re-make of Endless Love all the while “Blanket” can be seen sneaking around in the background trying on all Diana Ross’ wardrobe she no doubt stole from the Mahogany set. She could teach the kids how to talk like she and her father talked, with that breathy, baby voice. And sometimes they would be visited by their relatives. Those would be the real cliff hangers, Joe Jackson trying to take control of the Jackson 3 and put their images on everything from lunchboxes to Saturday morning television as a cartoon. The whole idea is so deliciously fabulous I don’t know why everyone in the world doesn’t think this is the right thing to do when it comes to these children.
I mean come on, there’s no way they can have a normal life because they’ve never had a normal life so at the very least they could provide entertainment for us and at the same time try to pay off some of their father’s debts for the llamas and Lladro statues he just couldn’t seem to live without. I ask you, am I so wrong to be thinking like this? Is it wrong of me to not only have all of season one outlined in my head but also season three when they go into high school and we suddenly have the newest franchise of High School Musical with the Jackson kids walking, singing and grabbing their crotches down the halls of their school? Look, truth be told those kids look nothing like Michael Jackson and while I’d love to get them all on Maury to hear him read the results, “He is NOT the father” the realistic approach is that born to him or bought by him, those kids are Jacksons and they need to be exploited as such. Why I wish Diana Ross was getting the Jackson kids – Don’t Get Me Started!
Read More Scott @ www.somelikeitscott.com
More by this Author
Here I thought that there would be certain phrases that we would never have to hear again. You know, like "Cowabunga" from when the Simpsons first came out or "What's uaaaaaaaaaaap?" from that...
I know this will shock many of you (as it has shocked me) that for years (yes, years) I have not received an International Male catalog. I almost thought they must be out of business. For those six people who are...