Why Life Should Be Like Indiana Jones

For some reason, life is never like Indiana Jones. Here's why it should be.

Not since the 50's has it been stylish to wear hats everywhere we go. What ever happened to hats? Specifically, what happened to man hats? Men in man hats always look better. I'm not talking about a baseball cap because, hey, no one wants that. But fedoras? Those suckers are crazy sexy.

Freelance writing can get crazy- particularly when a deadline is looming. But, rarely does it ever involve cobras. I think it should. A nice way to break up a week spent writing, being a doctor, lawyer, cashier or waiter would be to have a day when we have to walk a rope bridge while being chased by natives.

Occasionally, I would really appreciate having a day when I get to fight Nazis. Everyone hates Nazis. We should all get the chance to take a crack at them.

As we discovered at the end of Indiana Jones 3, Indiana is not his real name. He assumed that name because it was the name of a dog that he liked. We don't all need dogs' names, but we do need something catchier than the 50 million people named Caitlyn, Jason and John. Seriously. Actually, it doesn't have to be a nickname. We should all be naming our kids something more interesting than the standard crop of names. Let's take Indiana as an example and go from there.

Instead of naming another child Jennifer, how about Justice, Juvenile, Javelin or even Lightning? Lightning Smith is going to have a very different life from Jennifer Smith.

Don't stop at David- go for the gold with Deadly or Danger. When it's Danger Watkins vs. David Watkins, David had better run and hide.

Holy crap, have you the way Harrison Ford looks in Indiana Jones 4? The man looks amazing. We tend to say that people look good as they age, or that they look natural or even that they gain "character." But let's face it- not everybody does. Most people just look old. Imagine a world where we all look like Indiana Jones when we're 66 years old. I mean, you know, not just exactly like him, but as good as he looks at that age. They'd have to deliver truckloads of Viagra to every town.

Can you name one of the sidekicks in Indiana Jones? Not the token woman, but the sidekicks? Me neither. You know why? Because they're not as important as Indy. None of the sidekicks has any delusions of grandeur. Indiana knows they aren't as important as he is and they know it too. I think that's important in any group. If we all got to have a small group of sidekicks to let us know how important we were, there would be very few cases of low self esteem.

If Indiana Jones has taught us anything, it's how handy bullwhips are. You don't see Indy with a set of tongs, a rope, one of those reacher things or even a utility belt. That's because the bullwhip takes the place of all those things.

Our bullwhips could be used to grasp a high branch to let us swing over danger. It could also be used to reach things on high shelves. We could use it to grab things off grocery store shelves without getting our hands germy. Hey, it would even take the place of Germ-X! That's a handy tool. I wonder why the infomercial market hasn't caught on to this yet? Personally, I would buy one in every color.