Why We Hate To Love Paris Hilton

In all my years as a popular entertainment information conveyancing specialist, there has never been anyone quite like Paris Hilton. Although seeing that smug expression she almost continuously wears on that mug of hers occasionally provokes thoughts of unbridled violence in my breast, I must none the less concede that, like it or not, Paris is in a league all of her own.

In spite of the fact that, objectively speaking she's not really all that good looking (okay, she's not ugly either, but she certainly wouldn't win a beauty pageant or a modeling contract merely on her beauty), Paris has made herself an object of desire for literally millions of people around the globe.

Most of us had never heard of her before her sex tape came out, and I am willing to wager that a great deal of people who follow Paris in the 'news', haven't seen it at all. (I base this on the fact that I've never seen the thing, and I watch as much porn as the next girl.) Yet somehow, from out of nowhere, conveyed by a seemingly never ending sense of her own awesomeness and self worth, Paris has skipped from scandal to scandal, flashing her panties, baring her breasts, and showing the world how to make fellatio look boring. (At least, that's what I hear.)

Nothing brings this girl down. She appears to have no sense of shame or modesty whatsoever, and in a truly sickening twist of irony, it is paying off for her. Paris' home allegedly contains a stripper pole in the lounge, and is decorated with multiple massive artworks depicting herself. Essentially the girl lives in a museum of her own idolatry. I'm not a qualified psychologist, but that sure sounds like a case of wild narcissism to me.

In a perfect world, we would all laugh and scoff at Paris for about 5 seconds and then go and do something useful, but instead, Paris has managed to capture the global media in a way that is quite simply, unprecedented. She earned over $200 million dollars in 2006 through a range of appearance fees, contracts, and merchandising sales. Paris is the empress of her own empire, and whether or not we like it, if you're reading this article, you're playing some small role in it. You'll recall the phrase 'That's Hot', the one that Paris made famous in 'The Simple Life' television show? Well that little baby is now trademarked and earning her some cold hard cash.

But why? Why, for the love of all that is good can we not tear our eyes away from this openly vapid, shallow, slutty girl with no personality to speak of and nothing to recommend her apart from her own fame?

Well, some of us just like anything that seems like it would have sex with us if we met it in a dark alley, so I guess that comprises some of her fan base, but there is more to it than that. My theory is this: The 'Perpetual High School' Theory.

See, unless you actually still attend High School, then you probably think you've left it. But the truth is, you haven't. Just like the slutty cheerleader who got all the attention in High School, Paris will always have our heads turning as long as she continues to be richer, sluttier, and more outrageous than your average bear.

Paris isn't the problem, we are. We're hopelessly attracted to the shallow, the superficial, and the terminally lame. There is no other excuse for her popularity. Sure, she might deliberately slip her nipple, but we're the ones that voraciously download the pics and then either have fun slamming her, or play with ourselves, or in many cases, do both.

When the hell are we going to grow up and stop paying attention to the 'popular girl'? I'm guessing we're not. We're just going to have to wait until Paris gets herself knocked up, which I am predicting will be the beginning of the end of her "fame." We'll leer at the pregnancy pics, but once she actually has kids, well, it'll all be downhill from there.