Women’s Secrets: 2

My Wife’s Cat - A Parable

My wife's female cat Pronia undoubtedly has the impression that it is human. I tend to believe her, because she actually speaks in a fashion, she has probably read the Bill of Rights and she certainly behaves just like a woman.

Her speaking takes the form of regulating the tone of her meowing to convey different meanings and she is so successful at this that we all understand what she says without the slightest difficulty.

Take this morning for example. It is cold and it is raining and my wife and I snuggled in bed for a while longer than usual, enjoying the sound of the rain pelting our window. When we finally came out of our bedroom, Pronia was waiting outside the door and she straight away goes and rubs herself against my wife's legs.

“You slept late again my sweet baaaaaaad girl…..” she smiles, purring at my wife.

She looks at me with a hostility that could hardly be called veiled.

“Good morning to you too, you Lazy Slop. What time is this to get up? Have you no concern for others? Don't you know that I want my breakfast on time? Why are you keeping my Angel Girl in bed, you lecherous animal?”

Though my wife loves her cat, I find it to be a singularly disagreeable one. I think it is the cat's eye, the way she looks at me at times that creates the dislike in me. Rarely have I encountered a cat with a more speaking eye.

My wife gives her breakfast and tells me not to let Pronia out into the rain. But while my wife does the things women do at their dressing table, Pronia comes over to me.

“Come on, Big Boy, open up. I want to go out.”

I ignore her and go to my computer to see if I have any messages. No, there is no chance of peace.

“Listen Slop, how many times do I have to tell you, I want to go out. So come on! Get off your fat ass and open the goddamn door!”

I am only a weak simple man and can only take so much abuse, so I go to open the door and she follows.

“About time, you Moron, how many times do I have to tell you before you move?”

I open the door and she rashes out, yelps in surprise and horror and then turns around and rushes right back in again.

“Brrrrrrr…… It's pouring freezing rain out there! Holly Mother, were you born without any brains You Imbecile? Can't you see that it’s raining and that it’s freezing outside? Why did you let me go out in that mess? Jeeeeesus, I shall never know what my Angel Girl ever saw in you.”

For the sake of Angel Girl I try to keep a brave face before the world, but inwardly I burn with shame at being bullied by a cat and with agony at the injustice of it all. I try to go back to my computer.

“Where are you going, Stupid? I still want to go outside. You were too dense to stop me from going out into the freezing cold and the rain from the front door, but the kitchen door is always nice. Come and open that one for me.”

I refuse to badge.

“"I know what's the matter with you," she said. "My Angel Girl’s been feeding you meat again and you have become ornery. Open the f***ng door!"

She looks at me with that face which by all laws of nature should be shuffled and dealt again, and she never blinks. Until I met Pronia I always believed that there is good in all of us, but having experienced her female feline venom, I am beginning to have second thoughts.

And I cannot help myself, as the generous blood of the De Greeks boils over. I go to the kitchen and she follows, rubbing herself impatiently against my leg as I walk towards the back door. I open the door and as she rushes out in her usual impatient fashion, I “accidentally” step on tail. She lets out a scream and catapults herself out into the freezing rain, only she ignores it this time and simply goes round and round chasing her tail. I smile and shut the door on her, slowly walking back to the computer.

A few minutes later she is sitting outside the window sill getting drenched, gazing at me with a hurt expression. She looks at me with her head to one side, like a Cardinal might look at a favorite Bishop who has suddenly decided to begin practicing Voodoo. Caesar being stabbed by Brutus, could scarcely have looked more shocked than Pronia.

“Come on, Big Boy, can’t you take a joke? Let bygones be bygones. Let Time the Great Healer heal the wounds and we shall start all over again. Purrrrrleeeeease open the window and let me in. I promise I’ll be good.

But I know her only too well by now. Time might soften the memory of what I have done to her, might lessen the sharp agony of it; but nothing could remove it altogether and I know the time shall come when she shall have her revenge.

I have seen her in action, prowling about the neighborhood like a tigress seeking her first lunch in a week, terrorizing all and sundry and putting harmless dogs in fear of their lives and then blaming them for attacking her.

I know her ways by now. Whenever a vase is broken I know that she did it by the way she meets my accusing eye. She appears to be whistling indifferently and assumes that particularly innocent posture that comes only from a thoroughly guilty conscience. Whenever she is caught at something criminal and is rebuked, she casts a glance at me in which reproof and pain are equally mingled expressions and then she takes on the appearance of a martyr at the stake. But not just any martyr at the stake. A martyr who is cooperating fully with her persecutor and who would not think for a moment of spoiling the proceedings by appearing to object to them in any way.

Eventually I take pity on her and let her in out of the rain, but it would be optimism run mad to expect Pronia to abstain from speech

“Wait till I tell the RSPCA on you, you Abuser” she says.

Dimitris Mita

De Greek

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Comments 55 comments

Fiddleman profile image

Fiddleman 6 years ago from Zirconia, North Carolina

Great hub and what a cat! Strange how peoples pets often emulate the owner and seem to be able to manipulate us.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

That was quick Fiddleman! :-)))


Hmrjmr1 profile image

Hmrjmr1 6 years ago from Georgia, USA

De Greek - I think this is a cat thing, my late wife attempted to do this with the fish, the birds, and the dog. The fish couldn't squint at you, the Birds bit and squawked at everybody, and the dog was a male so he never was sure what she wanted him to do. Lucked out I guess. He He..


msorensson profile image

msorensson 6 years ago

ha ha ha...lol...indeed I agree with Fiddleman...but I must say they are not as demanding. They tend to take care of themselves..the owners are the servants..ha ha ha.

I am allergic to cat's hairs...more specifically the oil in the cat's hairs...so I almost die when I visit friends homes with cats..until I figure out I can take Benadryl hours before going to the house with cats.

Well if you must know, my dogs and I are psychically connected..They look at me and I know if they want food, or water or bathroom, and most specifically they do not think themselves dogs at all. I am with them all the time and they get traumatized if I leave for more than four hours at a time! How am I ever going to go on vacation which I soooo richly deserve after eleven years of no vacation at all????

Oh..and might I add, they get jealous of my son when he comes home..lol..

How am I ever going to get a man? Don't answer that question.

Well done!! I laughed and laughed..Thank you!!


Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 6 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

I've been reading Hubs on the demographics of dominance in the household,I think you should seek professional guidence for your Pronia for the purpose of putting her on Prozac,lol;)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

****Hmrjmr1 you have my deepest sympathy ;-))))

**** Melinda, 11 years without a holiday? Wow! For me Christmas is the best possible time to visit The Philippines. Get your son to take over the dogs and take off IMMEDIATELY! ;-)) (Can I come along?)

**** Professor Mentalist, may I book an appointment for Pronia for a consultation please? Any overdose of Prozac would be very much appreciated ;-))))


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 6 years ago from South Africa

Oh my word! How on earth can a woman hates a man who infuriates her today and makes her doubles up with laughter the next day? With this brilliant, well-written, hilarious hub, De Greek, you’ve brutally destroyed all my anger towards you. Gosh, you are one of a kind. Thanks for the laugh. I really needed it. (Why should I not give the devil his due? If he makes me laugh, he deserves my gratitude.) Miaauwwww :)))), will you open the window for me? I promise I’ll only scratch you went you step on my tail... :)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Martie, there is hope for you yet. ;-))))))

You have enslaved me with your generosity of spirit and I give up. :-)

Come on in, Pronia ;-))))


VioletSun profile image

VioletSun 6 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

I see life with Pronia gives you a lot of fun, horror stories to tell. LOL! I am reminded of Finny our fish, who likes to throw rocks, really, especially when my mate approaches.

I find it curious about the ratings... some readers rated it useful..How can a funny piece be useful? With one of my hubs, I shared some challenges, and someone rated it "funny!". Oh, well. LOL!

Rated up and funny!


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 6 years ago from Minnesota

This is hilarious because my dogs have the same attitude and looks that you get. I just love how you wrote this hub. I hit every button:)This was fun.


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

I dunno, dimi, I've heard of being hen-pecked but this is a different animal altogether. Since I am a "dog person," I cannot offer any advice - only consolation.

Funny hub!


neeleshkulkarni profile image

neeleshkulkarni 6 years ago from new delhi

are you sure your anger at your wife's cat is not actually a redirection of your anger and frustration at the feline prophet no longer being in love with you?


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 6 years ago from United States

I laughed throughout your hub. I also have a rather large fluffy cat that communicates his wishes easily and is certainly in charge of the house. However, he is the most affectionate cat I have ever owned, so I am a putty in his paws. :}


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 6 years ago from India

You've met all the wrong cats, DG!!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

**** Marie, a fish which throws stones? You should take photos! :-)

**** Minnetonka Twin , how kind you are :-)))

**** drbj , the problem is that I am a dog person myself and I do not negotiate with cats very well :-)))

**** neeleshkulkarni, you have it all wrong. It is I who is in love with FP, not the other way around. She simply tolerates me :-)

**** Hi there Pamela, I glad it made you laugh. Pronia LOVES my wife. It is me she has a distaste for, because I sleep with her girl :-)+

**** FP, it is the curse of my life :-))))


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 6 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom

No wonder the cat doesnt like you, if you stand on her tail, and cruelty to animals, which you so obviously practice, ought not to be a subject for levity.

You have just let yourself down in my estimation. I am disappointed in you.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

.

christopheranton, pleeeease tell me you are joking and you forgot the smiley! :-)))


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 6 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom

I,m not joking. You standing on the cat's tail is the equivalent, to the cat, of an elephant standing on your foot. Perhaps I am being a bit strong in saying that you practice cruelty to animals. But there is still nothing funny in standing on a cat's tail. There is a journalist over here who always wrote entertaining articles about his dog, saying how brilliant the animal was, and making a big thing out of his antipathy to all cats. But then one day he got invited to a cat show. One of the organisers put a big tom cat into his arms. The cat started purring contentedly immediately. From that day on this man completely changed his attitude to cats, because he realised that they can be just as affectionate and friendly as any dog. If you were prepared to engage positively with your wife's cat, you would, most likely, discover the same thing. Good luck, and may domestic bliss,and mutual harmony, rain down on all the inhabitants of your house.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

.

christopheranton I am afraid I am about to shock you. My wife's cat does not talk, it does not demand anything other than food and this was a joke, teasing the behavior of women in general. I did not step on her tail and I did not leave her out in the rain. IT IS CALLED FICTION WRITING AND IT IS ONLY TEASING!


dianacharles profile image

dianacharles 6 years ago from India

There are two kinds of people in this world...cat people and dog people...further comments reserved. ;)


petra vlah 6 years ago

I can not stay away from your funny stories even when I am in vacation and have to go to an internet-cafe to stay in touch (that is called devotion, right?) I can,t believe Christoper was serious about his comment, he does have a sense of humor and a "history" with cats.

Will give you a full report upon my return next week - say hello to your wife and her adorable cat


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Petra, on Friday you are in one of my HubNuggets Hub! Don't miss it! :-))


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

dianacharles, hi there, I almost got carried away and forgot to comment :-))


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 6 years ago from South Africa

De Greek, just for the record, I regard this as your way of telling me that you did not mean to hurt me in your previous hub. And I must say you impressed me with this one - it clearly exposes your ability to understand the nature of catty woman. I am indeed just like your wive’s cat. Perhaps a bit more aggressive and quite able to bite like a dog. To demonstrate the latter, you have to step on my tail again :)

christopheranton did not notice that you ACCIDENTALLY step on Pronia’s tail and that you really did not mean to hurt her. So forgive him for accusing you of cruelty to animals, and be careful not to step on Pronia’s tail again. Keep that BIG feet of yours in mind – they are able to mutilate a poor cat’s tail.

Walk tall but not heavy-footed, is the rule to keep in mind when you are amidst cats.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Martie, let the dead past bury it's dead :-)

For the record, Mark Twain wrote a short story which ended with the words

.

"I killed him on the spot and buried him with my own expenses".

.

I read this when I was twelve and I fell in love with Mark Twain's writing right there. I did not believe that he really killed anyone. I don't think that many people believed this either or that he had to explain that he did not really kill someone. But I understand people's sensitivities about animals.

However, the story about Pronia WAS a good joke, was it not? :-)))


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 6 years ago from South Africa

No, not good. Prrr-excellent :) May we have more of them?


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

On Friday it is my turn to write a HubNugget hub :-)


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

Thank you for giving me such a good laugh. You have such a wonderful way of writing, it is fantastic.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

HH, thank you for your kind words, but I am beginning to be afraid to open my mouth here :-)))


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 6 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA

Hehehe, we have 3 cats. My female one is also witchy creature... but I need to write Hub about her.

I enjoyed yours so much, regards to Pronia.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Tatjana, thank you for your kind words and Pronia sends her regards :-))


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

DISCLAIMER:

For those who believe my comments that I step on cats’ tails, that I consider myself to be a new Genghis Khan or a Napoleon, that I am a man of steel, that I am the re-incarnation of Einstein, that I am in conflict with other ‘Elites’, PLEASE note that such comments are made tongue-in-cheek and are not to be taken seriously.


quicksand profile image

quicksand 6 years ago

Well, I have a suggestion. You should cut a hole in the door for Ms Pronia to go out and come in whenever she wants to. And when Ms Pronia has kittens (or catlets as I call them) cut smaller holes (one for each catlet) to go out and come in as he/she pleases.

The great Sir Isaac Newton did just that! If you do likewise, you get to join the greats!

Cheers!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

We've had her 'fixed', because one Pronia is enough for us :-))


quicksand profile image

quicksand 6 years ago

Well, when I was taking my cat to get her "fixed," she sprang out of the window and ran into the wilderness. Never found her after that. She never found her way back either. Tomorrow it would be exactly three weeks. :(

Anyway, please say "ngyaew" to Ms Pronia for me. :)


DizzyLizzy profile image

DizzyLizzy 6 years ago from Canada

Great Hub. When we lived in the UK we had a cat who was convinced that there was a different weather system at the front and back doors. If we opened the back and it was raining he would run to the front door hoping for Sunshine. Well at least the furry little devil was an optimist!!


Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

Hi De Greek,

I don't know whether it's true or not but I did hear somewhere that cats only meow for humans..not for the benefit of each other...which, if true is kind of interesting.

Enjoyed the hub(an accurate description of their little ways!)

Cheers


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

**** quicksand Pronia meowoues right back at you :-))

**** DizzyLizzy, so you think it is a national trait perhaps? :-)))

**** Hi Jane, I am really glad you liked the hub :-)


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 6 years ago from Ontario/Canada

This is hilarious as always DG. I have a Pronia living in my barn too. Some days I to feel lucky that I'm allowed to enter, other days she can't get close enough

great hub

kindest regards to you and De wife

Zsuzsy


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

.

So you are a fellow sufferer SB :-)


nighthag profile image

nighthag 6 years ago from Australia

Having just gotten a new cat this year, this made me laugh, such diva's the lot of them, great story i enjoyed it immensely


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Immensely? How flattering friend Nighthag, thank you :-))


tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 6 years ago from South Africa

Dogs have owners, cats have staff! Clearly your "boss" hasn't learnt good management skills yet! Send her on a course immediately!

Thanks for the laugh - awesome Hub, my friend.

Love and peace

Tony


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Yes, but is it not how women behave Tony? :-)))


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 6 years ago from East Coast, United States

Being a new cat person, I have come to realize that once the kids are gone, now an animal is in charge!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

A Fellow sufferer, I see :-))


oliversmum profile image

oliversmum 6 years ago from australia

De Greek. Hi. I loved this story. Looks like you have each others number, but Pronia has the upper hand.

As long as you live you will never be forgiven for standing on her tail(which was an accident).

She sounds like she has been whispering in my Olivers ear as far as going outside and getting his feet wet is concerned.

Thanks for sharing your Pronia with us, it was beautiful and put a big smile on my face. Voted up. :) :)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

oliversmum, thank you for your kind words - I hope that the intended parable about women's fickleness came through :-))


oliversmum profile image

oliversmum 6 years ago from australia

De Greek. Hi. It sure did, loud and clear. :) :)


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 5 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

I'm not much of a cat person, nor am I fickle (at least I don't think so). And I loved this hub. Thanks for the parable.

Namaste.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 5 years ago from UK Author

I loooove a woman with a sense of humor :-))


FloBe profile image

FloBe 5 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

That is so funny! My cat (and yes, it was mine before my husband came in the picture) treats us very differently. She never got an attitude until my hubby taught her...he taught her how to "talk back" and then got upset when she'd show her 'tude! Well, do I have my hands full now :) Of course, it falls to me to be the peacekeeper! Oh the games they play with our minds...heehee. And, we need to appreciate humor for what it is and learn to laugh at the foibles of life!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 5 years ago from UK Author

Hi FloBe - but my story is a parable :-))

Surely you recognize some female tendencies in the story? :-)))


FloBe profile image

FloBe 5 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

Out of every parable comes real-life application :)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 5 years ago from UK Author

.

,,,,, :-)))

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