Yes, You Too, Can Have a Mid-Life Crisis At 27 Years Old

I'm sure my mid-life crisis would be more visually seen, could I afford the mid-life crisis.

See I'm 27, and I know that I probably won't live to 60 because I'm pretty sure I began an odd cycle of an early form of a midlife crisis a year ago.

Had I actually had a good job, a proper education and all of that shit I'd already be riding around in a little pink corvette, with the drop top down, blasting my music like a goddamn old fart loser.

I know I'm not old. I'm 27; but every time I glance in the mirror I can see that old lady desperately trying to surface. My skin is not the same, my boobs- gez, ew, let's not even talk about those beat up old deflated tires. I think my 80 year old grandma has perkier tits than I do.

My hair is still very thick and fluffy, but I know it is only a matter of moments before those ugly grays begin to spring up like ingrown pubic hairs. Or worse, I'll go bald. Not just the usual bald, but the monk bald. A patch around the scalp, yet bald at the top. Heaven help me.

I play Stretch Armstrong with my face a lot now that I'm 27. I stretch back my entire face to try to get a glimpse at the child that once resided there. It used to work well, and would provide me at least a moment of happiness, but now when I pull my skin back all I see is an odd looking alien like creature, with almond shaped eyes. Stupid idiot. Old stupid idiot trying to look young by stretching back her skin.

Sometimes I am not aware of my age though, these days are good, yet end bad. For instance I will see a younger male looking at me. I can tell he is probably 18 or 19 years old. Nice skin, nice face, nice looking in general. I tell myself he is 'checking me out'; and I like it. Then seconds after this thought I remind myself how goddamn old I am, and that in no way, shape or form was this 'young man' checking me out. I try to cheer myself up by telling myself that maybe he thought I was around his age. Hah! Wishful thinking dumb-ass.

I probably had something on my face and didn't know it. That's another thing about turning 27, although you have all of your fine motor skills still (if you are lucky that is), for some odd reason you lose some feeling in the face and at any given moment a booger or fleck of leftover lunch could be sticking to your cheek, shining out to the public like Christmas tree tinsel. You think you look good, and you think people are checking you out, only to discover later on you have an ice cream mustache, or a large snot spiraled on your cheek in a weird 'look at me' shape.

Maybe I had a stroke? Who knows.

Maybe it is just me, but I swear this has to be a mid-life. A mid-life at 27! I don't have kids yet, but I do want them. I wonder though sometimes if my old ass will be able to keep up with that type of energy. Then I think that if I am having a mid-life, I will die at 54. What would be the point of having kids now, if I was going to bounce on them so early on?

The incredibly sad thing about my mid-life crisis is that I can't do anything about it. Like I said, if I could, I'd have the pink corvette, a young piece of arm candy, and a little neatly shaved white poodle that would go with me everywhere I went. For me this fantasy seems like the proper fix for my mid-life type. Yes, there are types. I believe I'm a mid-life type A. It's mild, yet very extreme considering my age.

I can't afford this mid-life. Ugh. Type A, B, or C.

Other things bother me too that never did before. Girls with skinny asses, long flowing hair, and flawless skin. Man I hate them. I really do. I tell myself everything will be okay, that they too will one day suffer the dilemma of having to turn nearly 30. They too will lose the perky boobs and graduate to sagging ones in just a blink of time. I just hope I live to see it. Haha. But then there will always be another generation of them. Young, flawless bastards. Rot in hell Barbie.

I worry about losing my hair, but oddly enough, like a goddamn man, hair has sprang up in places I never had it before. Just a few months ago I found a half inch straggler growing around my nipple area. I pulled the fucker out, and it hurt like hell. Guess what? This month there are 3 hairs now growing out of that newly formed tit pore where the first hair grew. Son of a bitch! I cannot win; this battle against age is coming too quickly, breathing down my neck. Pretty soon its mothballs and wheelchairs for me.

I was going to buy a house next year, but at the rapid deterioration rate I am going, I may as well start grave plot shopping. I want a good plot, with a water view if possible.

Forget botox injections, I may as well start poking myself with embalming fluid. Such a sad pathetic thought, but so true.

I have to laugh about it though, seriously, I heard laughter is good for the heart, and if I'm already in the midst of a mid-life, keeping my heart as healthy as possible is dire. While most 27 year olds, have 27 year old hearts, mine probably resembles a 60 year olds. I won't even mention my lungs. They're slowly caving in, I'm sure.

On to my fingers. This was where it all started. I noticed about a year ago that my once flawless narrow fingers began showing odd signs of deep wrinkles. It began with small lines in between the joints. I have old lady hands already, at 27! Old lady hands! I moisturize daily, but we all know that shit can only go so far. Having to apply moisturizing lotion to my hands just adds to the old lady feeling. I never had to apply this shit to my hands before. Yet now, its like a lifelong drug. I'm medicated on moisturizers for the rest of my life.

Another thing I noticed about this growing old bullshit is that when I now kneel down for longer than 5 minutes, I actually have to make loud grunting noises in order to get back up. It comes with the package of kneeling now. I can try to NOT grunt, but who am I kidding?

I also noticed that my bones and muscles take a bad beating. Yes, only a few short moments kneeling over could cause spastic cramps, or wobbly useless limbs.

Sleeping in the wrong position at 27 years old can sometimes result in week long pains in the neck and back. As a kid I could sleep on hardwood floors and feel fully refreshed in the morning. Oh not anymore, not by a long shot. Sleeping on the floor would lead to a very early death for me, I am sure.

I'm also very sick about hearing how 40 is the new 20. For me, it feels like 27 is the new 80.At any rate, I don't know who came up with this slogan, but I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with that un-human vampire bitch Demi Moore. Screw her, she bathes in virgin blood, and she is giving the real 40 year olds a complex. Like a vampire, one day she will be exposed to direct sunlight and her fake skin will melt away. Poor pitiful thing.

Another issue I deal with occurs every month. A few years ago if I missed my period I worried that I might be pregnant. Since I have began my mid-life crisis, I worry a LOT when it is late. Not because I may be pregnant, but because...well...you know where I am going with this! It's because I worry that menopause may be setting in. I mean gez, really! What the hell!?

Moving on, at 27 years old I also have this sense of wisdom that I probably shouldn't have. For instance, I will travel to a foreign country, yet feel like I have already been there, and done that. Nothing amuses me anymore. I feel like I've done it all, seen it all, and now I don't know what's left to do.

This numbing feeling probably is not healthy, and you are probably laughing, but hey-whatever, when you go through your mid-life, come talk to me.

I feel like it is time for me to retire. How dare they tell me I have to wait till I'm 55. I'm not going to see 55! I think I should be able to argue my case and begin collecting retirement early; like right-now-early. It's an exceptional case I'm sure. I just think it sucks is all, knowing I will never see the day that I will retire considering the fact that my mid-life is here and now.

I'm also pretty positive that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know some of you older folks are probably thinking I am insane reminiscing about when you were 27, so young and vibrant (hey kiss my wrinkly ass bub), but I bet there is a nice handful of twenty somethings out there who know that they are going through (or at least beginning) their mid-life crisis. Do know, you are not alone.

(This was written out of pure fun, so there is no need to request that I seek medical attention. Thank you and have a good day, you bastard)

 

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Comments 28 comments

ralwus 7 years ago

Haha just wait dear, gravity and age does worse things to you than you can imagine at 27. It does get worse.


\Brenda Scully 7 years ago

And you have not reached your prime yet.... when you start to go down hill then what will you do.... I really do feel for you...all those pretty girls around making you feel inadequate there is nothing worse.....


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

lol. My prime was 5. lol. Kidding... at any rate, I don't like birthdays anymore. I used to love them. Now they are a reminder of the dreaded 30 that is just around the corner. No offense to any 30 year old folks out there... but seriously, knowing it is coming just stinks.


marcofratelli profile image

marcofratelli 7 years ago from Australia

TELL ME ABOUT IT! I know exactly how you feel being nearly 30 myself. But I'm a man. So... they're really saggy eh? :D I went through the same thinking pattern last year!


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

Saggy... how about deflated? lol. No, it is not all 'that bad' but some days, I seriously let it bother me more than others. Like yesterday when I wrote this. I guess I saw all the damn kids off from school carelessly walking about the town like primates, acting like a-holes. I missed being that age... but not too much considering my parents put my arse to work at 14. lol.


Adam B 7 years ago

Yeah, I feel your pain. I am 32 years old and since I am a musician, I am out performing at various venues every night. Why is it now that when it hits 10:00PM I am ready for bed? It is a constant struggle to maintain a performance all night when I used to be able to stay out til 6:00AM in the morning.

Sometimes sex is even a hassle. I have to convince myself to put forth the energy to bang my wife just so I stay somewhat young in my own mind.

My bones and muscles also hurt and every day I wish I could retire to some island and lay on the beach every day as I wait for the reaper to take me away.


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

lol. I dont even want to think about 40 man. Itd be a miracle if I see the day... and a dread at the same time- if I do see the day. Oh man oh man.


tony0724 profile image

tony0724 7 years ago from san diego calif

MellasViews you really gotta relax ! I just turned 49 and the world has not caved In on me yet . You are 27 you are gonna be fine ! GEEEEZZZZ !


SpaceSparkle72 profile image

SpaceSparkle72 7 years ago

Hey Mella!

Great hub it made me laugh a lot! So thank you! I'm getting ready to turn 37 and I say...heck yeah rot in Hell Barbie and Demi! I think the whiskers are our bodies trying to mutate. Ya know like how we became humans from cave men. And hey it's not all bad the bearded lady actually made good money.


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

Mella

That is indeed, or you are indeed goring through a mid-life crisis. You might pass through it with fluffy hair and flawless skin but unfortunately, there is a thing called 3/4life crisis - where I'm currently at but that's another hub.

Enjoyed the read, as usual :D


pgrundy 7 years ago

Whoa. Slow down! If I had the body I had at 27, I wouldn't spend one single minute on the internet.

Seriously though, 30 was very hard for me. 40 and 50, not so much. 30 is kind of like, OK, I'm not a kid anymore, and you're scooting up on it. I get that. I really do.


David 6 years ago

This is bar-none one of the funniest auto-commentaries I've come across. I hope to read more from you.


FirstStepsFitness profile image

FirstStepsFitness 6 years ago

Great Hub ! very funny ! If you want to feel better check out what the men are going through ,,,,Robin Williams Skit on Viagra lol


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 5 years ago from Earth Author

Im 28 now. FML.


voice of reason 5 years ago

oh my god

some one, quick!! call the waaabulance


dennisse 5 years ago

Oh my goodness... and here I thought I was the only one!! I feel much older than I am (27 in March), and it is insane. I already reminisce on my life and all that I may never get to do... it seems bizarre.


Zzzz 5 years ago

You sound GAY! And your story is boring the shit out of me Zzzzzz. Get a life and stop writing bullshit all the time.


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 5 years ago from Earth Author

Call the waaambulance... oh my God, that joke is as older than I am. God, I'd pretend to laugh but my choppers would fall out.


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 5 years ago from Earth Author

ZZZZ I like how you hide behind an unregistered name. You kinda... you kinda sound like a pussy... you want a tampon to shove up in it? Keep reading it though, every click on my boring shit pays. Hahah. Pstt... I think you have a crush on me too. Im kinda flattered.


GoGetter 5 years ago

What you lack is " burning desire" to improve, to be better. I bet you don't wake up in the morning and rush because you have so many things to achieve, so many dreams to catch up on. This self loathing is only going to make you lazy and its a sure fire way to a very miserable life. Write down what you want, what your visions are, what you want out of life, Workout, get the body of your dreams, what are you waiting for? All i can hear is this person lazy to get off her ass, who is analyzing her self too much and not having the fun you should be having. Go out there and create opportunities.


ELi 5 years ago

OMG! im 21 People say i look 16, but jesus! i don't wanna go thru this!! im scared!


turning28inNovember 4 years ago

Well, nice to see that someone other than me is feeling what I felt. It is so bad with me that I am definitely seeking help tomorrow. It's sad but nothing appeases me any more. I hate how the people I love make me feel. I am horribly immature, selfish, spiteful, and spoiled. But the thought keeps hitting me: YOU ARE GOING TO BE 30 IN 2 YEARS!! How do you make a major life turn around in 2 years? It's like undoing 28 years of stupidity in 2? Who has the energy for that? So, alas, I too am in this same boat looking my fate in the eye.


Heather 4 years ago

I'm bout to be 27 in September n I feel the SAME way you do Everyone thinks I'm just an emotional wreck n that I'll get through it but truth be told its not getting n e better!! I feel like I'm stuck in this pit of total mixed emotions day in n day out....I'm just happy to know that I'm not the only person who seriously thinks I'm going through a mid life crisis at this age!! Thanks for posting this n don't listen to the people who r tellinng u that u r wrong about how U feel!!


Alex 4 years ago

Im exactly the same 27 yo male. Have been travelling and shagging a lot for the last 5 years and now i feel old, nothing interests me anymore and my sex drive is low....


Max413 4 years ago

Yeah, even though I'm a guy I also get these feelings as well (25). One day you don't have a care in the world and the next your stressed to the max with aging issues. I'm not going to let it get to me though. I plan on getting a facelift, laser peel, Botox, fillers and anything else I need to maintain that 24 yr old look. Unfortunately I'm also a Nordstrom addict and find myself also shelling out almost $700 a month on Christian Dior's l'or de vie serum, clarisonic brush replacements and various other products claiming to be magic in a bottle. It can become obsessive, so I would stop now if I were you before it spirals out of control.


jill 4 years ago

turned 27 two days ago and i'm dealing with exactly the same thoughts - even started to lie about my age and make me 1-2 years younger. what helps me though is that i'm skinny and work out a lot, so i still can compare my figure to teens. but the fucking wrinkles under my eyes... oh yeah from laughing actually... i guess i have to use fillers or botox for them. sad, cruel world. there is nothing more awesome that can happen in life, its only getting worse from now on.

oh and i hate those teen bastards who hang around in all decent clubs, checking me up from head to toe and probably thinking *what is this old bitch doing here?*, or guys version *maybe cute. but OLD!*. arrghh :[


jimagain profile image

jimagain 3 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

I knew I had to read this when I saw the title. Great material. I voted UP and funny. I hope you live through many more mid-life crisis, way past even (gasp) 54 so you will around to write many more Hubs.


meeeee 12 months ago

I feel your pain. I am 27 and feel more like 67. I have been going through this horrible depression too, idk what to do. I am like the biggest loser I have no job, no education not even a GED yeah my life is literally a train wreck.

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