Zombie Yourself, Zombie Me, Zombie You

Literally 5 or 6 watchable zombie movies hit the big screen in the past 75 years. Hundreds of other plots and subplots incorporated zombie activity but left moviegoers wanting more.

Many viewers exited theaters longing for a zombie transformation. Until lately, changing your likeness into a real authentic zombie has proven problematic: fortunately several online services have popped up. Getting to zombieland poses much fewer obstacles than only a few short years ago.

These web miracles offer free zombie makeovers to folks feeling excluded from our modern society. Too often we see otherwise potentially successful people existing on the borders of civilization, often in abandoned farmhouses, simply because their zombie karma is not in synch. Modern society places far too much importance on zombie traits, characteristics, and accoutrement.

How Do You Get Zombified?

Becoming zombified requires a simple transfer of bytes from your computer to an Internet computer somewhere in cyberspace. Upload a photo of yourself, wait a while, and an almost but not quite completely unrecognizable image appears in your inbox or on your web page. This image ostensibly represents zombie-you.

Does a Zombie Makeover Intrude on Your Privacy?

Becoming a zombie is truly safe and easy. If required to reveal your email address, rest assured that such information may be sold or otherwise distributed to companies on the Internet. These companies care not that you have been transmogrified into a zombie: they simply wish to sell you stuff. You may receive valuable information regarding prescription medications and bingo games, but rest assured that no specific solicitation was directed at you because you are a zombie. In fact, feel free to distribute these unexpected emails and offerings to any number of your friends who may not be zombies.

What Resources Might Be Required to Turn You Into a Zombie?

Many Internet users hesitate to become zombies because they fear the outlay of resources. They wonder if such a course might affect their ability to put their kids through college or provide a reasonable tip for the pizza delivery guy. To their surprise, the typical zombie transformation turns out to be quite a bargain. The zombie client should be prepared to provide a current photograph, but even a passport photograph or a hastily drawn sketch will suffice. Should the zombie client not have a computer, most public library computers connect to the Internet and also connect to many free zombie makeover web sites. Email addresses may be obtained free of charge from many web sites such as Google.com and MakeMeAZombiePlease.com

Zombie yourself, Zombie me, Zombie you
Zombie yourself, Zombie me, Zombie you

Is There a Downside to a Zombie Transformation?

No.

Are We Sure There's No Downside to Zombie Transformation?

Yes, there's no downside to zombie transformation. Reality indicates that this transformation actually takes place in cyberspace. No humans are harmed. It's your photo that's altered, not your physical being. Your inner self, your yin and yang, and your existential consciousness cannot be affected.

If you liked cats before being zombified, you will still like cats once the process has completed. You will not experience sudden uncontrollable urges to trudge through shopping malls or gang up to attack seemingly abandoned farmhouses. You can keep your day job. Your credit rating will not change, nor will your social standing rise or fall.

What, Exactly, Happens to the Pre-Zombie Photograph?

After uploading a photograph, you, as the zombie-to-be, have no additional responsibilities. The zombiefication process requires no intervention on your part. If your zombie likeness requires a forehead gash, a garish blemish, or a farm implement embedded in your cerebral cortex, magic Internet software handles it.

This is no wimpy software. Millions of computer instructions must execute in a carefully planned sequence in order to extract an accurate zombie likeness from a mortal human digital image. Hordes of non-zombie computer scientists and  software engineers have toiled for many hours in a concerted effort to meet worldwide zombie demand. Many less important projects fall by the wayside as zombie programming comes together.

What's Next?

The average zombie-phile might believe, in all sincerity, that a free online zombie transformation represents the peak of online free transformations. We beg to differ. We humbly request a variance of opinion. We suffer fools gladly, even should they be zombie-obsessed Internet surfers. Demand for zombie makeovers will inevitably peak. Beyond the peak, we predict free online makeovers for additional pop culture Icons:

  • Larry King Makeovers
  • James Carville Makeovers
  • Stan Flecther Makeovers (Stan is so handsome that even the most ardent zombie fanatic couldn't refuse a Stan Fletcher makeover)

Disclaimer

No zombies were harmed in the composition of this article.

Double Disclaimer

There are no zombies. This is all in fun. Go outside and play, safe in the knowledge that your yard / playground / park / marina / haunted mansion / abandoned copper mine is guaranteed zombie-free... except on Halloween.

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Comments 10 comments

Robwrite profile image

Robwrite 6 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

Most people turn into zombies in the evening anyway, when they're watching television. Is it an insidious plot?


Tom Whitworth profile image

Tom Whitworth 6 years ago from Moundsville, WV

nicomp,

I got my picture zombified and everyone thought it was an improvement to my looks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 6 years ago

Watch the Housewives of OC, D.C, N.J. and Atlanta and eventually you turn into a zombie!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Robwrite : Yes, it's an international Zombie Plot.

@Tom Whitworth: LOL

@breakfastpop : Those households might be improved by a Zombie attack.


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

nicomp - I received membership materials today from the N.A.A.Z.P. - National Association for the Advancement of Zombie People - and I sent them your name. You don't have to thank me.


VizFact profile image

VizFact 6 years ago from Houston, TX

interesting service, but it leaves a evil taste in my mouth,

if you know what I mean..


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@drbj : Let us not exclude zombies from the social discourse.

@VizFact : A zombie told me that once...


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

I tried this. My pic ended up looking exactly like Ralph Deeds. (Sorry Ralph, just joking.)


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Stan Fletcher: ROFL. It's good to hear from you, Stan!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

Voted up by me because no one has commented in 2 years. I am not a zombie. Maybe that's an issue.

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