Funny stories about couples

This time I choose to have fun with couples but now that I did it I found out that there are billions of couple´s jokes. So I probably will have to make another one on this subject in the future.

In the mean time enjoy the following jokes and share them with your better half ;).

Photo by embepe @ www.scx.hu
Photo by embepe @ www.scx.hu

THE LOVELY COUPLE

A man and his wife were on holiday in Jerusalem. During their stay the woman died. The local funeral director advised her husband that he could relocate the body of the woman to the country of origin by 5.000,00€ or could bury it there in the Holy Land for only 150,00€.

The man reflected and responded that he wanted to transfer the body of his wife to their country.

The funeral director, very surprised, asked him:

- "Why spend 5.000,00€ to transfer the body if you can bury her here by only 150,00€ and even over a holy city?"

Then the man explained to him:

- "Over 2000 years ago a man died and he was buried here. Then he resurrected three days after and I do not want to take that risk myself."

HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE?

This guy arrived home and found his wife with one of his best friends in his own bed.

He grabed a gun and killed the friend immediately.

The angry wife said:

- "If you continue to behave like this you'll end up with no friends!"

Photo by zeafonso @ www.sxc.hu
Photo by zeafonso @ www.sxc.hu

SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE

The couple meet with the priest before the ceremony and the priest asked them:

- "What do you think of sex before marriage?"

And the groom replied:

- Since it doesn´t delay the ceremony that´s fine by me... What do you think darling?"

MOTHER-IN-LAW

The husband arrives home from the hospital where he was visiting his wife´s mother.

His wife asks him:

- "How is my mother?"

The husband replied:

- "Your mother is fine. Healthy as a horse and she´s going to live a long time. This week they are going to release her from the hospital and she will be living with us forever."

The wife, surprised, questioned him:

- "How can it be? Yesterday she was unconscious and the medical team said that she only had a few days before dying!?"

And the husband replied:

- "I do not know how she was yesterday but today when I asked the doctor about your mother, he answered me that I should prepare myself for the worst..."

Photo by snukraina @ www.sxc.hu
Photo by snukraina @ www.sxc.hu

I won the lottery!

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Mark Gungor tells women how to get a man to do what they want. Asking a man to do something once is like never having asked him at all.

Find out more funny stories about couples

The following couple`s jokes were shared in the comment box by readers of this page. If you have a good one do not forget to share it with us ;)

Contributed by CJStone

 The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

  He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

  He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife

  He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

  Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

  As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

  People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

  Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

  Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

  She answered

  'THE TEETH.'

Contributed by G-Ma Johnson

  1. My body isn't what it used to be....Even when I get naked I still want to get into something more comfortable...
  2. Wife: Oh Gawd. I'm convinced my mind is almost gone.

    Husband : I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it everyday for twenty years.

Contributed by JamaGenee

Husband was rich but very controlling. Made his future widow sign a document promising to bury ALL his money with him, which would leave her with nothing to live on.

But at the funeral, the widow couldn't stop grinning, which her best friend thought was quite odd for a woman who had just become penniless.

The friend asked "Didn't you agree to bury all his money with him?".

"Yes I did."

"Then why are you grinning?"

"I put it in the form of a check. Where's he gonna cash it?"

Contributed by MrMarmalade

Marital Counselling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage...

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.'

Contributed by New Day

A husband and wife were having an argument during a long car ride.

Looking out the window at a pig farm, the husband says to the wife - "Relatives of yours?"

She quickly replied - "Yep. In-laws."

Contributed by Rookie Expert

A husband and wife are returning home from shopping, and see the trash truck pulling out.

The wife runs saying 'OH! Am i too late for the trash?'

The husband replies, 'No! Jump in'

Contributed by LondonGirl

Divorce vs Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the chemist's shop, walked up to the chemist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The chemist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The chemist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her bag and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the chemist's wife.The chemist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Contributed by JamaGenee

Dear Wife:

I'm writing to tell you I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S don 't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant hining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million $$$, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer says the letter you wrote guarantees you won't get a dime from me, so take care.

Your Ex-Wife, rich as hell & FREE!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem...

More funny jokes about couples

Did you like this hub?

Then you must read its sequel where you will find some more jokes about couples ;)

Funny stories about couples (continuation)

More by this Author


Comments 55 comments

preettrendz profile image

preettrendz 8 years ago from Mumbai, India

great! that's a good one funride...


CJStone profile image

CJStone 8 years ago from Whitstable, UK

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

  He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

  He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife

  He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

  Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

  As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

  People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

  Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

  Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

  She answered

  'THE TEETH.'


Tater2tot profile image

Tater2tot 8 years ago from ~~~

Haha. My fav. is the one where he should plan for the worst and he thinks she is going to live for a very long time. Poor mother-in-law.Good hub.

CJStone- that gross. I don't mind sharing but I would never share my teeth! LOL.


CherylTheWriter profile image

CherylTheWriter 8 years ago from Humble, Texas (the ultimate oxymoron)

We need more of these Hubs. Keep at it, funride.


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 8 years ago from Central Oklahoma

Husband was rich but very controlling. Made his future widow sign a document promising to bury ALL his money with him, which would leave her with nothing to live on.

But at the funeral, the widow couldn't stop grinning, which her best friend thought was quite odd for a woman who had just become penniless.

The friend asked "Didn't you agree to bury all his money with him?".

"Yes I did."

"Then why are you grinning?"

"I put it in the form of a check. Where's he gonna cash it?"


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

yep I agree with CherylTheWriter.. is very fun...can I add One?...My body isn't what it used to be....Even when I get naked I still want to get into something more comfortable...

well maybe 2...Wife: Oh Gawd. I'm convinced my mind is almost gone.

Husband : I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it everyday for twenty years.

Hey baby use them if you see fit..was so fun reading this Hub and looking for Moreeee. G-Ma :o) hugs


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

Hilarious stuff again Funride! Keep-em coming.

regards Zsuzsy


VioletSun profile image

VioletSun 8 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

LOL!!! I enjoyed the " How many friends do you have?" and the jokes shared by CJStone, JamaGenne and G-ma. Thanks guys for the chuckles. Keep em' coming~


funride profile image

funride 8 years ago from Portugal Author

Thank you all, you are the best ;). I can express my feelings when I found all this great comments - I loved all the jokes and if you continue like that I´ll have to put the comment box in the top of the hub such is the quality of your jokes :D. Special thanks to CJStone, JamaGenee and G-Ma for enriching this hub with their funny contributions.


rmr profile image

rmr 8 years ago from Livonia, MI

You never disappoint, funride! I love to start my day with a laugh!


Nickel profile image

Nickel 8 years ago

Hilarious! Keep them coming. CJStone, that was too funny.


compu-smart profile image

compu-smart 8 years ago from London UK

A few chuckles and a thumbs up from me!! Thanks!! i was in need some laughter medicine and some deffinetly hit the F spot:O

Funny!!:)


MrMarmalade profile image

MrMarmalade 8 years ago from Sydney

Great hub I am actually laughing.

Here's another one

Marital Counselling A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage..Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.'


raguett profile image

raguett 8 years ago

I luv your hubs..thiswas funy...great...R


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 8 years ago from Central Oklahoma

This is great! This could turn into one l-o-n-g comment section! The more the merrier!


New Day profile image

New Day 8 years ago from Western United States

Hilarious! I love the one about how many friends do you have? LOL! The comments have a lot of additional funny jokes too. I wish I had a good one off the top of my head. Let's see... Here's one. A husband and wife were having an argument during a long car ride. Looking out the window at a pig farm, the husband says to the wife - "Relatives of yours?" She quickly replied - "Yep. In-laws."


funride profile image

funride 8 years ago from Portugal Author

LOL. Those are the best comments I ever got. Thank you all so much, specialy to MrMarmalade (as if it was so simple to satisfy our wife :D) and New Day (great answer and she was probably right) for making this the funniest comment box in hubpages ;)


Rookie Expert profile image

Rookie Expert 8 years ago from US

Nice hub. A good way to start a busy day, reading jokes. The comments have a few good ones too. Im going to keep checking back for more comments!

Maybe you have heard this one before, but it still brings a smile on my face everytime i hear it.

A husband and wife are returning home from shopping, and see the trash truck pulling out. The wife runs saying 'OH! Am i too late for the trash?' The husband replies, 'No! Jump in'


Ananta65 8 years ago

Great hub, I had a good laugh, also thank to the comments. As you mentioned Adam and Eve, I've got another nice one for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKAW96N-Vms


Dottie1 profile image

Dottie1 8 years ago from MA, USA

All of your couple jokes got me laughing. Great hub, funride.


Karen Ellis profile image

Karen Ellis 8 years ago from Central Oregon

Everybody loves a good joke and laughter is the best medicine.


amy jane profile image

amy jane 8 years ago from Connecticut

So funny - thanks for the laughs!


vortex2382 profile image

vortex2382 8 years ago from SC for now

What a great Hub! I absolutly love it. Looking at the funny side of a relationship is the best levity. I look forward to more.


funride profile image

funride 8 years ago from Portugal Author

I´m so happy knowing you all enjoyed it, thanks for the nice (and funny) comments :)


marisuewrites profile image

marisuewrites 8 years ago from USA

I'm still laughing, funride, this WAS a funride!! =) and boy do we need it, yes?


funride profile image

funride 8 years ago from Portugal Author

For sure! Thanks, I´m glad it was "funreading" for you ;)


Lilymag profile image

Lilymag 8 years ago from Upstate New York

Hilarious hub! I love JamaGene

that one was great!


funride profile image

funride 8 years ago from Portugal Author

Hi Lilymag, thank you for your comment and you´re right, some of the best ones are on this comment box :D


SunyFB profile image

SunyFB 8 years ago from USA

Hysterical! I just gathered lots of jokes to share!


funride profile image

funride 8 years ago from Portugal Author

I´m glad you enjoyed it, SunyFB ;)


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 8 years ago from Central Oklahoma

This came in the email the other day and is just too knee-slappin' funny not to share!

------------------------

Dear Wife:

I'm writing to tell you I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S don 't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving to West Virginia together! Have a great life! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant hining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million $$$, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer says the letter you wrote guarantees you won't get a dime from me, so take care.

Your Ex-Wife, rich as hell & FREE!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem....


funride profile image

funride 8 years ago from Portugal Author

LOL, That was great. Thanks for such funny comment, it´s nice when a relationship ends well :D


flutterbug77 profile image

flutterbug77 8 years ago from USA

Very funny. I like a guy with a sense of humor.


funride profile image

funride 8 years ago from Portugal Author

Thanks Flutterbug77, I´m glad you enjoyed it ;)


Karen N profile image

Karen N 8 years ago from United States

Great hub, loved the jokes:)


cgull8m profile image

cgull8m 8 years ago from North Carolina

Great set of jokes, I am going to pass this to my friends. Well done Funride, the first was one was hilarious. Cheers :)


funride profile image

funride 8 years ago from Portugal Author

It´s great to know you enjoyed them. Cgull, thanks for spreading the word ;)


TravelMonkey profile image

TravelMonkey 8 years ago from United Kingdom

I love Hubs like this, good work funride

An englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar when the bar man shouts "is this a joke?"


funride profile image

funride 8 years ago from Portugal Author

LOL, At least it sounds like one :D .

Thanks for your comment TravelMonkey ;)


VILMADOESNT profile image

VILMADOESNT 8 years ago from United Arab Emirates

i like your hub funride! its good to start a day with a smile, and you can relate the jokes to funny little things that happen in real life between husband and wife..

CJ Stone your joke about teeth sharing made me fell from my seat... hahaha!


funride profile image

funride 8 years ago from Portugal Author

Thank you Vilma, it´s even better to start the day with nice comments ;)


LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 7 years ago from London

Great hub!

Divorce vs Murder 

A nice,  calm and respectable lady went into the chemist's shop, walked up to the chemist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The chemist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The chemist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!  I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of  bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" 

The lady reached into her bag and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the chemist's wife.The chemist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


funride profile image

funride 7 years ago from Portugal Author

LOL, great joke LondonGirl! Thank you so much for such funny comment. After this I bet lots of people will make better options when choosing their lovers :D


Maria 7 years ago

More cool jokes! :)


wytegarillaz 7 years ago

Love the funny jokes ! here is something funny for you to watch in Sydney Australia!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dn5sDGoXI1k


wytegarillaz 6 years ago

love the jokes ! we love having a good laugh


GmaGoldie profile image

GmaGoldie 6 years ago from Madison, Wisconsin

Loved these jokes! Very charming! It has been a long day - wonderfully delightful - thank you!


Sea 6 years ago

Oh my. "You didn't tell me you had a prescription".

One thing is clear, jokes about couples are never going to be in short-supply, so keep them coming!


Nina Jones 6 years ago

Always love these jokes.


rcgal profile image

rcgal 5 years ago

Oh this is a hilarious hub! I loved the resurrection joke. I'm sorry I didn't find this one earlier! I think some of the ones contributed in comments are great, too. I don't have one to offer now, but if I think of one I'll be back!


Saleemayoub profile image

Saleemayoub 5 years ago

Funride this is really fun and cool.I will send it to all my "frownd" friends! May be they can share them with their "frownd" wives!


sick ass foo im cooler than u 4 years ago

im cooler than all of u :)


helen 4 years ago

hahah i love these funny stories.

share and read funny stories of relationships at http://hdiffy.com/wordpress/


Man from Modesto profile image

Man from Modesto 4 years ago from Kiev, Ukraine (formerly Modesto, California)

Some good laughs, but imho, the one about Eve and the apple should be deleted. Peace.


funride profile image

funride 4 years ago from Portugal Author

Hey Man from Modesto, thank you for your honest opinion... and you know what... I`ve herd your opinion! But now I must find another joke about the "first" couple to replace... do you know one that you can share with us?

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