Funny Reasons Why Becoming A Catholic Priest is Not Such A Bad Idea


I was opportune to be ‘led’ by the spirit to attend a Sunday Mass after such a long time absence. It just happened that I woke up that very Sunday morning and I felt like “lemme go to church today”. And without giving it a second thought, I headed straight for the cathedral.


I was very lucky. You may not understand why I said that but quite unlike the last time I was there, the officiating priest on this very day was such a young and nice looking gentleman who also knew how to ‘deliver’ the sermon to his flock in that direct yet humorous way that will always catch my fancy.


He knew how to avoid all those ramblings and boring bible tales about the exploits of those beard-wearing bible heroes most especially Elijah and the prophets, incredible stories that normally send me to that napping moments I sometimes do ‘enjoy’ right there in the church due to ‘boredom-overload’. God save my soul!


The sermon that day was on what happened to those two or was it three confused disciples that were on their way to Emmaus after Christ died and rose from death and when Christ joined them, they failed to recognize him. This good priest really knew his onions. He wasted no time is drawing the significance and also making the all important connection about how and why it is increasingly becoming difficult for us as believers in the world today to recognize Jesus in our lives.


I was really uplifted. In fact, you really missed a lot. You should have been there to hear for yourself the wise words that came out from the mouth of this gentleman! I didn’t even notice the time as it flew by. I wasn’t in any haste to wish that this priest should get it over with fast so that I could go back home and do some 2go or something like that…That will show you the extent of my attention and captivation. God bless that priest!


But then from nowhere my wandering mind took off once more and this funny thought took over me. And that was when I ‘got’ the inspirational ideas you are about to hear. Call it crazy inspiration, if you like!


And it started to come again… What if I become a Catholic Father? What do I stand to gain by doing that? Do you think it is such a bad idea?


Look at it this way…


Respect

No wonder they are called Reverend Fathers. I will be revered for sure. If I become a catholic priest like this guy, I will surely gain and command a very big respect amongst many people within and outside the church. Many people, even my elders, will automatically listen to me especially when I am hooded in that sparkling white over-flowing gown or cassock and majestically prancing about like some king or chosen one, they will be so willing to hear my opinion…my voice. They will always beg for it because spiritually I am more or less filled with such a great wisdom from God similar to that of King Solomon and that means they will always have to look up to me for inspiration and spiritual guidelines and guidance and many things of that nature which also means I can afford to look down at them at the same time, if I like. Hahaha….hehehe…I told you, it is crazy.


…and the Love too

Have you ever noticed how people love their priests? These reverend fathers could ask for nothing more. Maybe it’s because the priests are ‘closer’ to God, that is to say, holy. Maybe it’s because some of them are out rightly so good looking, well behaved and gentlemanly, maybe it’s because everything about the priest is supposed to be genuine and no faking…I just don’t know but one thing is clear: these guys are never in short of love. The have a large fan base most especially amongst the trusting female members who love them and trust them so much with ‘everything’ and this is ‘everything’ is the very reason why I wouldn’t mind at all to become a reverend father. There could be some benefits attached, you know? Hey…hold it there! Why are you looking at me that way, don’t you trust me again…?


Freedom from marital troubles and other relationship blues

As a catholic priest, I will be free from all forms of marital troubles and other relationship quagmires that come with being married or staying in a relationship. No hearts to break when I want to say it’s all over, no nagging wife to make my life hell, no kids trouble to disturb me from some quite times, no in-laws to dictate how I treat their special daughter, no one to check up on me to know why I am not yet back even though it is already late or even demand to know where I have been all day long, in fact, I am the official bachelor of the house and it bothers no one in my family most especially mum who will never again demand that I should give her a grandchild or children!


Man, these priests are enjoying! Do you know that as a catholic priest, I will be automatically protected from undergoing any form of harrowing divorce blues should the need for that arise? That means no one will expect me to pay any form of alimony or fight it out in the courts for the custody of the child(ren) produced from the wedlock simply because I was never married in the first place!


Even if a priest breaks your heart, you are expected to understand because he is a priest and his sole business is with the church! And talking about my business…


Never actually working for my money

Of course, who will expect me to work for my money when you and I know that you are there as a staunch and faithful church-goer cum strong believer to do just that? You and I know the money you have been bringing does not belong to me rather it belongs to God! I hope you are not going to start complaining now? Because that will mean you don’t want me to be saying your mass again next time…ok?

Fine. That’s good. So what is it going to be now? Another offering time please…


Working once a week

As for me, this is the best part. I will only have to go to work on Sundays and that is if you call what I do work! Apart from being called up from my enjoyable sleep very early in the morning during the week days to say the daily morning mass for the congregation and also from administering certain sacraments like baptism and matrimony occasionally, my real vocation is just going to be strictly on Sundays and the Sunday mass is not even expected to last for more than three to four hours depending on the events of the day.

That means I will have quite a lot of free time on my hands to do many other interesting things in this life such as praying…


Celibacy is bliss…

Contrary to what you may have been thinking earlier, I am beginning to think that celibacy isn’t such a bad idea. Why?


Ok, listen. Celibacy is bliss. Celibacy purifies your mind. You don’t have to bother yourself with impure lustful thoughts that could easily lead you into more sins of the flesh. The exuberant and vibrant sexual energy is converted into something better and much more useful such as deep meditation and obtaining prophesying powers. Celibacy enables you to raise your vibrations and consciousness maximally thus increasing your spiritual powers. Who wouldn’t like to be a miracle worker?


You don’t believe me?


Ok, think about it. Celibacy will surely free you from worrying about contacting venereal diseases. You won’t even worry about someone getting pregnant because you simply have no business with such things again.


You still don’t believe me?


Ok, let me admit it is not going to be easy. I think I also told a mild lie when I said you will not be bothered with having impure thoughts. Come to think of it, you may end up thinking most of the time, about what and why you are celibate and you may be wondering about what lies on the other side and what satiation you could be missing, especially if you are somebody like me whose wandering-prone mind is always and easily wandering into such things, and that is where the danger lies…


And then here comes the icing…


The Confessions!

Oh yes! I don’t know if you know it but eavesdropping is a very big fun. But this one is different. It is eavesdropping live mixed with some Peeping Tom tendencies without the sex! In fact, this is just the real reason why I will like to become a catholic priest today!


You get to listen in to all those secretive details and unwholesome but yet funny things people do free of charge without making any excuses or explaining yourself to someone else. This eavesdropping is now strictly official! The best part is that people may actually be compelled to even tell you the whole truth because they trust that you will not reveal to anyone else these evil things they’ve done.


I sometimes wonder what is going on in the mind of those priests or confessors when they are listening to their members confess their numerous sins in the confessional.


Shock? Wonder? Amazement? Fear? Surprise? Disbelief? Suppressed laughter? You again?Coupled with thoughts like “That’s another lie but go on…let the Holy Spirit judge you!”


Oh boy! Yes I am so sure I will always catch my fun if I become a reverend father!


What do you think?

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2 comments

joejagodensky profile image

joejagodensky 5 years ago from Milwaukee, Wisconsin

You have the gift of writing. Very well presented. As a Catholic priest, you hit the big points except I wouldn't mind working only on Sundays but it doesn't happen that way. Very clever hub. Thanks.


Emmyboy profile image

Emmyboy 5 years ago from Nigeria Author

Thanks Joe. I'm glad you caught the intended fun. Thanks for the compliment.

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