clues you might be a stoner
just a few clues
just in case you might be wondering if you've graduated from casual smoker to full fledged stoner,... a few clues,....
1 if you think Doritos, Frito's, Cheetos, and burritos are a food group,.... because they rhyme. (don’t forget cheerio’s, and spaghetti-O’s)
2 if you've ever asked the question,…… "your wasting all our money on the bills?"
3 if you're unaware that there are channels other than MTV, and discovery channel.
4 if watching the antiques road show is the closest you’ll ever come to the concept of “investment”
5 if lottery tickets are the closest you’ll ever come to having a retirement plan.
6 if you think over draft charges are an acceptable business expense.
7 if you think a black light and glow in the dark star stickers constitute having redecorated the living room,….. Or the bath room.
8 if you floated the idea of installing cable TV in the bathroom,… and wondered why no one else thought of it as a necessity.
9 if you're convinced you learned how to play blues guitar by watching "Dewy Cox, walk hard" one night,…. And you wake your wife up at 3:30am to demonstrate your newly acquired skill.
10 if you wonder why your wife seems unimpressedby your newly imagined musical prowess.
11 if you find your DVR filled with movies staring jack black and Seth Rogan
12 if while watching Quinton Tarantino's "inglorious bastards" you ask,... "the Nazi's are the bad guys right?" (although i must admit, if you are historically illiterate, this movie would definitely confuse you as to who the bad guys were)
13 if you ask you’re significant other to watch the movie "knocked up" because you thought it was....... romantic,… and your wife thinks the premise for this movie is terrifying.
14 if you think "pineapple express" is cinematic genius.
15 if jay and silent bob speak to your soul,..... silently.
16 if the couch has a permanent indentation from your ass,.... as evidenced by the fact that movies have been a huge source of material for this list.
17 if while listening to “in-a-goda-du-vida” full blast in your trans-am,…. Your cruising at a break neck speed of 30 miles an hour,… and you have no clue why people are passing you.
18 if “in-a-goda-du-vida” is the only song that plays repeatedly on your 8-track in your trans-am. (don’t freak out, you may not be a pot head, its possible your just a 30 year out-dated redneck that can’t grow facial hair,… unless you’re a woman,… then you can)
19 if the only political activists name you can recall is woody Harrelson.
20 if you think Willy Nelson ran for president because you saw it on a bumper sticker.
24 if your 3 months behind on the house payment despite your wife’s two jobs,..... but you still found $ for weed.
21 if you build a beer can pyramid held together by silicone calk and cover it in Christmas lights to spruce up the living room during the holidays. (careful here, you may just be a white trash drunk,… but no bother,… that’s still better than being a pot head, and your neighbors at the trailer park are gona want one just,… like,… yours)
22 if you ever wake up to find yourself mowing the yard,.... drunk,.... stoned,.... Beer cooler bungee strapped to the hood of the lawn mower,.... at 3am,.... for the third time this week. (this may well belong on the “you might be a meth-head” list, not sure. I mean really, what happens when a pot head does meth?….. He cleans the house and mows the yard while eating oatmeal cream pies at the same time, that’s what!)
23 if you've ever found yourself at 2am, mopping the floors,.... in nothing but swim trunks,.... listening to Elton john on the stereo,..... singing "tiny dancer" at the top of your lungs,.... because "it seemed like fun" (refer back to the pot-head does meth reference. it’s the only reasonable explanation for a stoner that has bouts of extreme enthusiasm)
25 if chaining the lawn mover to a truss to lift it up to sharpen the blades while still attached seems like a good idea….. At 2am.
26 if falling off of the flimsy lawn chair 5 times while chaining the hoist to the truss doesn’t deter you,….. But it entertains the kids.
27 if the wife takes the kids inside and announces that she’ll check on you in the morning,… instructing the kids not to respond to cries for help unless the blood pool is “this big” and you are unresponsive.
28 if fishing with the “buddies” takes priority over family dinner with your mom. (btw, thank god for that one, best 75$ I ever handed him, he was gone for a day and I didn't have to deal with his mom)
30 if given the choice between chocolate ring dings and sex,..... you choose the chocolate ring dings
29 if being handed 150$ will make you disappear for the entire supper bowl weekend. (and I stand by that, it STILL seems like a wise investment looking back on it. based on the "avoiding my mom fishing trip” rates, I got a "buy two days get the third day free" deal)
31 if given the choice between beer, tacos and sex,.... you ask for two outa three,.... and neither is sex.
32 if your wife announces she thinking of switching from maxi pads to tampons so that something will be inserted at least once every twenty-eight days.
33 if its been SO damn long since you filled out a job application, you ask what references are...…
34 if your wife tells you that references don't matter because you don't have any,.... and you don't get mad.
35 if, while attempting the job application, you ask what a maiden name is, and if you have one.....
36 if you ask what an alias is and you're wife tells you yours is "Elton john",.... and you don't get pissed,....
37 if you go ahead and write down "Elton john" as your alias.
38 if you wonder why you never get a response from the job applications.
39 if you get 15 items through this list after finding it on the table before realizing its about you.
46 if you think that tattoos are a deeply personal statement,…. And your first tat was a five leaf on your ass cheek.
40 if you've ever woke up to find yourself pissing in your own boots at 3am,.. or down the front of the TV,... or in your dirty laundry basket,... or on the side of your own bed,.... or in the desk chair,.... or on your son,...
41 if you wake to find yourself pissing into the back of a running box fan and your wife’s first statement is,.... "this would be a cool episode of a thousand ways to die"
43 if you view "plumbers crack" as a fashion statement
44 if your girlfriend fights the over whelming urge to drop a quarter in your ass crack, pull on your arm and yell "jack pot" every damn time you bend over in front of her.
45 if you find a 10 page note on the front door announcing why you are to pack your things and leave and your only response is to ask “what the fuck?”
46 if after having it read to you, point by pint,… you still ask,…. “so?….. What the fuck?”
47 if you hide your stash at your bff’s house,… then forget you hid it there,… then after thinking your out, you call your bff and ask if they can find you some,… and your bff, having found your stash and realizing your stoned ass has no clue,…. Sells it back to you.
48 if the phrase “it’s five 0’clock somewhere” confuses you,… but you cant understand why the world doesn’t completely stop at 4:20pm.
49 if you joined the FFA in high school just because you got access to the greenhouse all year long.
50 if you refuse to spend good money on plates and silver wear when most of what you eat comes wrapped in cellophane anyway.
51 if your attracted to chocolate like a moth to a flame,.. Or a stoner to a bong,…to the point you will eat virtually anything covered in chocolate. (this may just mean that you’re PMS’n or menopausal,… in which case,…. Get stoned, it will improve the situation for all involved)
52 if you have no dishes or silver wear but don’t blink when spending 100$ on “art glass”
53 if your missing all of genesis and half of exodus because your grandma was nice enough to spend extra on the “onion skin” pages of your confirmation bible.
54 if the washing machine is a mystery to you but you make sure to never run out of dryer sheets.
55 if you could write a top ten list of uses for aluminum cans,… and forget what you were doing after use #2.
56 if captain crunch is considered an entire evening meal.
57 if sponge bob has deep meaning over a bowl of fruity pebbles.
58 if your clothing ensemble for going to town and sitting on the couch are the same thing,…. And the rest of the world refers to it as pajamas.
59 if the movie “natural born killers” or “easy rider” made any sense to you,….……At all.
60 If the flowers on the front porch are dead and dried to the point of scientific preservation,…. But the plants growing in the closet are freaking gorgeous.
61 if you cant remember the dogs name,…. but your “favorite house plant” is named bob.
62 if you’ve drank enough vinegar in your life time to pickle your digestive track.
63 if you own postage scales, but you don’t have a mailing address.
64 if you failed to notice there is no clue #42 in this list, thereby making this realy just clue #63
recently added to the ever growing list,....
my life long friends run a small hole in the wall convenience store at the intersecction of Nowhere and Where the Hell missouri,... thier little mom/pop place was broken into last night,....
on the list of items stolen,....
assorted bottles of whiskey,... 5 packs of cigaretts,... 2 6pks of cold budwiser,...
an entire box of zig-zags,... and a hand full of butterfinger bars
APB,... be on the look out for some drunk chain smoking stoners who smell like butterfinger bars!
so in honor of our neighborhood thieves,....
64 if you break into a convenience store and the top 2 items on your list of things to take are rollin' papers and butterfinger bars,... you've just graduated to stoner,... with a masters degree in dumbass.
added by those who leave comments,...
65 .....if you are offended after reading this,... you'r a stoner in denial,... but still a stoner.
More by this Author
its satire folks,... chill out,... ripping ugly satire,... but satire,... meant to be taken seriously,.. but not seriously
an average pickers review of the wildly unique Cupit Travel guitar
get brand new LEVIS jeans through the LEVIS warranty!