Tips on Farting in Public Without Embarrassing Yourself

How to fart in a royal manner
How to fart in a royal manner

How do we really fart?

An onomatopoeia is a word that phonetically imitates or suggest the source of the sound. We instinctively know what kind of animal makes noise such as "oink", "meow" or "woof". But I beg to disagree with Wikipedia when the word "Fart" is considered an onomatopoeia. Humans have evolve to their exulted position at the top of the food chain through cunning and ingenuity. I take offense that our act of farting should be considered no different from that of lower animals. Humans are not vulgar and the process of farting has become an art.

The How to fart Challenge

After submitting an earlier article to the "Stan Fletcher's Fabulous Creative writing contest" I am again submitting this new hub in response to Stan's challenge to his fellow hubbers to "delved deeper into the right side of their brains" in order to free our creativity from the constraints of mundane, prosaic and unimaginative writing.

I have now decided to make use of my time more productively by researching and writing only on subjects that have profound and far reaching effect or impact on our human existence....and hence,this hub :)

Reading several hubs submitted earlier about "How to Fart", I notice that the subject matter was treated lightly and lack the intellectual penetration nor emotional depth of serious thought that it deserve.

I am therefore putting in my two cent's .....make that a fart(hing's) worth of "Cerebral flatulence"

Learn how to fart...big time

STAY ON THE LEEWARD SIDE DURING WINDBREAKS
STAY ON THE LEEWARD SIDE DURING WINDBREAKS

Instead of being embarrass by "FART NOISES" in pubic which after all is a natural bodily process, why not make use of it? In a manner of speaking, HARNESS THE INNER POWER WITHIN YOU. Learn how to fart in public.

Baby learning how to fart

A politically correct fart
A politically correct fart

How to fart for revenge


Get even with your boss or mother-in-law for all the bossing you around a bossy boss or a mother-in-law usually does.

Sneak up behind them when you feel the urge to fart and let out a really stinky one.Wrinkle your nose and put on a disgusting look for the people around you while pointing at the victim. Works best at meetings,parties and any social gatherings.

farting as a self-defense
farting as a self-defense

How to fart defensively


In some states because it is illegal to carry a mace,someone suggested using a whistle to scare off would be muggers or rapist.

But does a woman have enough time to search inside her handbag? If you ever peek into the contents of a ladies handbag, you will find it contains everything but the kitchen sink.

What if the mugger or rapist grabs you from behind in a bear hug?

NEVER SURRENDER,MAKE A STAND AND COURAGEOUSLY FART...ER FIGHT BACK TO PROTECT YOUR DIGNITY AND HONOR.

Have a tiny whistle implanted in..... you know where to amplify the "FART NOISES". A "PEEEEWIIIIITTT" coming out of nowhere would make it appear a policeman is nearby and would discourage further assault from your assailant.

* A word of caution ~ Never use it in train stations as it can be mistaken for an emergency or alarm and might cause unnecessary train stoppage

Remember the wise saying " The best defense in an offensive FART."

how to fart l love you
how to fart l love you

How to fart romantically


If you can synchronize your farting with your girlfriend or boyfriend, farting moments need not be embarrassing.

It could actually be sweet and romantic.

It's like one saying "Thank you" and the other saying "your welcome". In a conversation,it is rude not to answer so fart back. It's the polite thing to do.

How to fart in public

If you still believe that farting is embarrassing, then here are some helpful tips to divert attention and accusation towards you

As your senses tell you that you are about to let go a stinky FART , begin by walking around to spread your...bio-gas. Do so in a nonchalance way so people can't trace it back to you.It's best if you keep moving but avoid unnecessary and funny movements of the body that might cause people to suspect you.Try also to keep a deadpan demeanor.

If you have a dog, wag your finger at it and say "bad doggy" or blame it on your kid (the younger the better) but NEVER NEVER attempt that if he's a teenager.They may act or look stupid but they're not going to let such an opportunity pass for all the times YOU embarrassed them when they were kids, accusing them falsely for your farting. It's payback time! In a voice loud enough for people to hear, your kids might yell in unison, "Hey dad, don't you know it's not polite to fart! "



How not to fart in public

A lifetime experience of farting in public

About the author

Although I am not a doctor or physical fitness instructor. A lifetime of farting experience should be enough qualification to give advice on how to fart.

CAUTION:

THE AUTHOR IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY CONSEQUENCES ARISING FROM THE IMPROPER USE OF ADVICE ON "How to Fart". These ideas are merely the crepitation of my cerebral flatulence.

More by this Author


Comments 55 comments

Sarah Masson profile image

Sarah Masson 5 years ago from Melbourne, Australia

Haha funny stuff!!


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

Sarah Masson ~ Always happy to share a laugh.Thanks.


Genna East profile image

Genna East 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

Delightful, charming humor. And helpful (Lol.) Thank you!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA

SilentReed - The amounts of work and time it must have taken to locate all of those totally wonderful photos astounds me. That, plus your text, gave me a bellyache from laughing.

I was particularly overcome by the photo of the Queen, boss of her gassy consort in that nifty uniform, wearing her usual "bedpan" hat.

Thank you so very much for a beauty of a hub.

Gus :-)))


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

Genna East ~ Thank you. I'm delighted that my experiences have been able to provide some help :)


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

Gus TheRedneck ~ I had fun doing this hub so it wasn't considered as work.The photo of the Queen was an unexpected find that I had saved some time ago when the idea for this hub hasn't been conceptualize.It appealed to me because it say's "Hey,every one farts,no big deal" :))


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Here's a tip - when you fart at work, be sure to be near some machinery of some kind and quickly cause it to make noise. Then everyone will think it's the copy machine going berserk again. Or knock something to the floor to drown out the noise. Cause a diversion in other words. Sort of like blaming it on the dog.


lisadpreston profile image

lisadpreston 5 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

Funny and excellent advice for women. Austinstar, I understand creating a diversion for the noise, but what about the smell?


lisadpreston profile image

lisadpreston 5 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

oh p.s. the pics are hysterically funny, especially the rear end in the chair.


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 5 years ago from Nashville, TN

I can't believe I'm the first one to mark this useful! You've done a smell job here. I meant a swell job. Very funny!


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

Austinstar ~ Thanks for the tip. I knew I left something out in the advice section. Now you made me realize I forgot about the noisy kind of fart. If you happen to be far away from a noisy machinery or vice versa, a good thing to bring along is a whoopee cushion. Then you can pull it out of your pocket and pretend you were just goofing around.:))


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

lisadpreston ~ Noisy farts are usually not smelly. It's the silent ones that are the real stinker. You also normally have no time to cover up noisy farts as they tend to burp out unexpectedly. Just have a good laugh with the people around you and make a joke about it like boys do :)


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

Stan Fletcher ~ Your right. I think I should have categorize this article in the health section and not in creative writing. Although I'm not a doctor or physical fitness instructor, I think a life time experience in farting should qualify me to give advice :)))


Ashantina profile image

Ashantina 5 years ago

Haha!!! Brilliant!! :))


CMCastro profile image

CMCastro 5 years ago from Baltimore,MD USA

This Is Great For the need to let out some! If we don't laugh once in a while, then we turn into boring lumps. Comedy was created for a reason, and some of the best times is the unplanned and spontaneous events. You have just given me confidence for I have been holding back a creative story of my own about a similar subject. Thanks; I want to share this with others I know.


harrison8bal profile image

harrison8bal 5 years ago from Shanghai

lmfaoo, that's funny, i reckon the guy on the right of the purple lady farted :D


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

Ashantina ~ Thank you.Glad you like it :)


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

CMCastro ~ Hello, thank you for your comment. I was hesitant to do humor,afraid that it might come out flat but then I can always unpublished. right? :)) This is my 2nd contribution to the Stan Fletcher's contest. and I had fun writing them. Will be looking forward to reading yours.


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

harrison8ball ~ You're right!:)


sligobay profile image

sligobay 5 years ago from east of the equator

For those farting couples, be sure to tell your heartthrob, "You are the wind beneath my stinks". Great Hub.


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

sligobay ~ Thank you. I like your comment...Bette Midler couldn't have sung it any better.:)


vietnamvet68 profile image

vietnamvet68 5 years ago from New York State

I had to laugh all the way through this one, and the pictures tell the story. great job

God Bless


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

vietnamvet68 ~ I wrote this for the laughs so thank you for laughing...that's the best comment any writer of humor could wish for.:)

God Bless


tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 5 years ago from South Africa

Not so silent, huh? Very funny and entertining Hub - thanks.

Love and peace

Tony


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

tonymac04 ~ :) Thank you for the appreciation. This was suppose to be a serious hub :))But no one took it seriously.:) Love and peace SR


Baileybear 5 years ago

funny pics too. My father would always blame the dog. My dog is capable of slipping out the 'silent but violent' kind


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

Baileybear ~ Thank you for your comment. On hindsight I should have titled this hub "Why everyone should own a dog" :)


imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 5 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore

Is that why your name is Silent Reed?? Cause' you let rip the silent ones that burn your nostrils and ripple your skin??? My favorite is the elevator attack...funneee, and the grocery store checkout! I might be a lady on the outside, but on the inside...watch out now!!!!!


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

imatellmuva ~ It's usually the quiet ones :).Thanks for dropping by...and I wouldn't want to be trapped in an elevator with you :))


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 5 years ago from Chicago

Very funny! I enjoyed a good laugh thanks to you. The most dangerous fart is the SBD—Silent but Deadly.


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

James A Watkins ~ Nice to be able to provide a laugh.But since writing this hub I have been experiencing "writer's block".Nothing comes out but a couple of cerebral flatulence...perhaps I should add more fiber to my diet?...;)


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

..well the epi-man with his notorious arsenal of subjects wild wacky and just plain weird - has touched upon flatuence, farting and here's a new word for you - crepitation - so naturally he loves this hub because it's definitive and essential - and the greatest hub title he's ever seen with tons of great pictures and of course the main attraction - you!!!!! Thanks for dropping by and making my night or day as you always do!


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

epigramman ~ It is I who should thank you. Your natural talent for finding the wacky and weird in humdrum everyday situation have provided me with many enjoyable read. Some ideas have slip into the subterranean passages of my mind. Excuse me while I auscultate the crepitation of my cerebral flatulence to glean some pearls of wisdom :)


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia

this was great, serious, informing and down right funny :)

thanks for the great read!


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

nighthag ~ I'm glad you like it. But writing it has taken it's toll....I've ran out of GAS :)


Juzamin profile image

Juzamin 5 years ago from Australia

Hilarious, great pick-me-up!


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

Juzamin ~ Thanks for the read.Laughter is a great pick-me-up.Have a beautiful day :)


poorconservative1 profile image

poorconservative1 5 years ago

OMG, OMG, OMG, for the rest of my life, every time I think about this Hub I'm gonna start laughing. I hope I'm not in a meeting or worse, at a funeral. I'm libel to laugh so hard I shoot snot out of my nose. OMG, OMG, OMG.

Thanks for the laughs

Chuck


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

poorconservative ~ :)Thank you for liking the hub.I'm sure that laughing in a meeting or funeral would be a way of relieving tensions.Farting on the other hand would be another matter.Same goes for shooting snot out of your nose. :))


Knightheart profile image

Knightheart 5 years ago from MIssouri, USA

Well, well, well...now this has to be the funniest thing I have read in awhile. Simply hilarious!!!!

I really love the British guard photos...now that would be truly a career stopper!

This reminds me of the time a group of friends and I went to see a movie. We were sitting in a row together and my best friend let out a silent stealth bomb. The worst kind of fart, in my opinion. You know the phrase, "Silent, but deadly?" ROFLOL Anyway, we all held our noses and couldn't help but laugh. Being together just made us feed off of each other and laugh even more. I am surprised we didn't get thrown out. Anyway, the smell was so bad that my friend's girlfriend actually got up and moved someplace else, causing more laughter. Then we noticed other people getting restless and began to move. I never laughed so hard in my life..it brought tears to my eyes.

That fart should have been recorded in the Guinness Book or World Records!!! LOL

It is so strange, but it seems the guys are the culprits for passing stink bombs, but I know girls do it too. Must be a guy thing! LOL Thanks for the laughs!!!


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

Knightheart ~ Thanks for the "Stinking story".It also made me chuckle because your friend reminded me of an incident I had exactly like his.It happen a long time ago but I think the girl didn't mind because she is my wife now and on reminiscing the past we have a good laugh about it. Another hub I wrote might also tickle your funny bone :)

http://hubpages.com/literature/why-everyone-should...


Knightheart profile image

Knightheart 5 years ago from MIssouri, USA

I will never forget that incident in the movie theater. It was a day that will "Live in infamy! Glad there weren't any open flames in there or we may have ended up on our butts on the street! ROFLOL.


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

Knighteart ~ LOL...That's a good one. A fiery ending to an olfactory impairment :)


Freya Cesare profile image

Freya Cesare 5 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

STANDING OVATION to you, Silent Reed! Jiahahaha.... I really want to, but actually I can't stop roling around on my bed, laughing because of this hub! Vote Up and funny!


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

Freya Cesare ~ Thank you Freya for your read. Glad to have provided some laughter.Really,this was supposed to be a serious hub :) I hope I was able to provide some useful advice that may come in handy during one of those "moments" :))


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

..most fun hub of all time - but Stan who? he don't come and visit me no more.


Field-Of-Flowers profile image

Field-Of-Flowers 5 years ago from Midwest, USA

Hahaha!! This is a gas ... literally! I laughed so hard, well ... I ... you know! LOL Very funny and thanks for sharing! Have a great day and God bless! :-)


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

epigramman ~ Thanks again for the appreciation. Your hubs are FUN to read because they contain gems of wit and humor.


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

Field-Of-Flowers ~ Hello and thank you for the read. One has to have a sense of humor to preserve our sanity less we be overwhelm by the vicissitudes of life. To be able to laugh keeps our stress level down so that we may maintain a sense of proportion of whatever problems facing us. God bless and have a beautiful day ;)

http://hubpages.com/literature/sunshine-good-morni


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

Hi, ha ha hee hee! how on earth did I miss this one? absolutely brilliant and hysterical, I was in fits of laughter, thank you, made my day!


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines Author

Nell Rose ~ Hi Nell,I'm glad you enjoyed the read.Unlike the GAS whose prices are steadily rising,this one is FREE :)


epigramman profile image

epigramman 4 years ago

I am back to revisit a classic and this time around to post your masterpiece of hub flatulence to my FB group Let's just talk music or cinema with a direct link back here - lake erie time ontario canada 10:39pm and sending you warm wishes and good energy


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 4 years ago from Philippines Author

epigramman ~ the epi-man is still the master-guru when it comes to provoking the crepitation of fellow hubbers with his fun hubs. Thanks for posting this hub to your FB.


George 4 years ago

Could a fart be so bad in smell that it literally end a marriage.... lol


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 3 years ago from Philippines Author

George ~ So is it a bad thing to end a "stinking" marriage?...:))

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