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What's Your Best Joke?

  1. Martin Heeremans profile image81
    Martin Heeremansposted 3 years ago

    I know everyone has that one hilarious joke they use which will always get a good laugh out of everyone in the local vicinity.

    I'll start.

    A new Commander is sent to take over a command of a post in a remote location.
    On his entrance he spots a donkey tied to a rope behind the barracks. Unsure as to why the donkey was there the new commander immediately asks the radio chief why the Donkey is tied to the rope.
    The radio Chief replies "Being out in the middle of nowhere sir, and men being men sir, we have the donkey sir".
    The new Commander shakes his head and says "I can't say I approve of this, but, men being men, I'll let the donkey stay".
    A couple of months into his tour, the new Commander starts to get the need for a bit of hanky panky.
    Thinking to himself he says "if it's ok for the men to do it, then why shouldn't I!" he then proceeds to get the Donkey.
    The Commander brings the Donkey into the room where the radio chief is, backs it towards a chair, ties a rope around it and starts to have his way with the Donkey.
    While the radio chief is sitting there in silence the Commander yells out to him "Is this how the men do it?!"
    To which the radio chief replies "No sir, they normally ride it into town where the girls are!".

    1. Cardisa profile image90
      Cardisaposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      Except for me sad

      What do you call the person whose reply to something serious makes people laugh? I don't have any jokes but I tend to be able to find humor in stuff. Does that count? hmm

    2. Earl Noah Bernsby profile image86
      Earl Noah Bernsbyposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      Excellent forum idea!  Here's mine:

      Two roommates are getting ready for a day at the beach.  They pack a cooler of sandwiches and a cooler of beer, then head out for a relaxing day of sun and fun.  But when they arrive, the roommate with the cooler of beer notices that his friend forgot the sandwiches!

      "Hey — you forgot the sandwiches!" he exclaims in exasperation.

      "I thought you were getting them?" the other replies.

      "No, I brought the beer!" the first roommate growls. "You'll have to go back and get them."

      "Forget it.  As soon as I leave, you'd just drink up all the beer!" said the irresponsible roommate, crossing his arms.

      "Listen," reasoned the first roommate, "We can't have beer and no sandwiches.  I promise I won't drink any until you get back — now, will you please go??"

      "Fine." said the second roommate, and he walked off looking suspicious.

      The first roommate settled in to wait for his friend.  One hour went by, then another.

      What is taking him so long?? he thought, annoyed.

      Another hour passes, then another ....  The sun climbs to it's apex, then begins a slow and inexorable descent over the horizon.  Finally, with twilight fast becoming night, the first roommate decides to have a beer.

      He cracks open a can, and —

      "A-HA!" the second roommate yells, leaping from the bushes.  "I knew you wouldn't wait for me to get back before drinking up the beer!"

    3. bethperry profile image88
      bethperryposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      During a State trip to a remote South Pacific island nation Barack Obama is bitten by a mosquito. While he thinks nothing of the bite at first, it soon becomes infected and the President becomes deathly sick. He is rushed home to D.C. and here, the White House physicians determine that Obama has contracted a rare disease from the mosquito, one that attacks the entire neurological system. The President is treated by the best specialists in D.C., who a few days later, release him to go home. However, the President remains very weak and bed-ridden. His head physician makes a call to Michelle and asks her to come in for a consultation regarding her husband's condition.

      On FLOTUS’s arrival the physician is very sober. “The President is seriously ill,” the physician says. “But with proper care and the help of those closest to him I believe we can give him an optimistic prognosis.”

      Michelle nods and the physician continues, “First and foremost, it is vital that he doesn’t get upset. He needs to be in pleasant surroundings at all times, with absolutely no stress. Don’t argue with him. Be cheerful and indulgent of his every need. Smile and show him he’s the most important thing in your life. Serve him his favorite foods, whatever he asks for.. If he wants to smoke, let him. If he wants a beer, don’t nag, just let him enjoy it. Also, he should not be moved. He needs to be at home, surrounded by his family instead of taking vacations that will over-exert his strength. See to it your husband receives this devoted care and you can expect the President to survive to a ripe old age.”

      Michelle thanks the physician and returns to the White House. She enters the bedroom suite she and Barack share and finds him lying in bed. At her approach Barack raises his head off the pillow, and reaching for her hand, asks what the doctor said.

      Michelle pats his hand and replies, “He says you’re a dead man, Barry.”

    4. SpaceShanty profile image93
      SpaceShantyposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      I did a spot of stand up on the paraplegic ward at the hospital last night.

      I didn't tell any jokes or anything, I was just showing off.

  2. Writer Fox profile image75
    Writer Foxposted 3 years ago

    Fathers and Sons

    Son: "I got an F in arithmetic."
    Dad: "Why?"
    Son: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"
    Dad: "But that's right!"
    Son: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"
    Dad: "What's the fu*king difference?"
    Son: "That's exactly what I said!"

  3. FatFreddysCat profile image95
    FatFreddysCatposted 3 years ago

    Two old guys are sitting on a park bench when a stray dog walks by, drops onto the grass across from them and starts energetically licking its, ahem, private area.

    The two old guys can't help but watch because this dog is really going to town. They're fascinated.

    Finally one guy pipes up: "I wish I could do that."

    The other replies: "You might want to try petting him first. He looks pretty mean."

    1. bethperry profile image88
      bethperryposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      LOL

  4. Writer Fox profile image75
    Writer Foxposted 3 years ago

    There were two cannibals talking about recipe ideas. The first cannibal says, "I really don't like the missionaries.  They taste terrible."

    The second cannibal said, "How did you cook him?"

    The first cannibal said, "I put him in the pot and boiled him, just like always."

    The second cannibal asked, "What did he look like?"

    The first cannibal responded, "He was kinda short, fat, half-bald, and wore a brown tunic."

    The second cannibal responded, "Well, there's your problem.  That one was a friar."

  5. BigBlue54 profile image60
    BigBlue54posted 3 years ago

    Jim is sat in a chair in the senior citizens home when his friend Carl walks in. "Have a good day with the family Carl?"

    "Sure did Jim. Went out for a meal and everything. How about you?"

    "Well we had some excitement about an hour ago."

    "You did" said Carl, "what happened?"

    "Joan streaked. Took off every stitch and ran through the place."

    "Really" said Carl "Could have caused a heart attack or something."

    "Well" said Jim "I nearly had a stroke. Couldn't quite reach though."

  6. The Examiner-1 profile image83
    The Examiner-1posted 3 years ago

    I keep checking the weather and seeing a photo on there with a line,
    "A giraffe walked into a bar..." I have not looked at it, I add the line, "it sat down and ordered a drink."

    1. BigBlue54 profile image60
      BigBlue54posted 3 years ago in reply to this

      There was a walrus and a penguin sat next to the giraffe. The barman took one look and said "what is this, a joke?" big_smile

      1. The Examiner-1 profile image83
        The Examiner-1posted 3 years ago in reply to this

        That was good. big_smile
        Sometime I have to look at that and see what it is, I think it is a video.

      2. The Examiner-1 profile image83
        The Examiner-1posted 3 years ago in reply to this

        I finally checked that video. It really was a bar but all the giraffe did was eat some of a plant and leave again.

        1. BigBlue54 profile image60
          BigBlue54posted 3 years ago in reply to this

          There is a pub in Australia which has the tallest bar. The local drovers could ride their horses into the pub and up to the bar and order a beer without dismounting.

          1. The Examiner-1 profile image83
            The Examiner-1posted 3 years ago in reply to this

            I think I heard of that - or saw it on a documentary?

    2. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
      DzyMsLizzyposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      A man walked into a bar...and said, "Ouch!"

  7. cheaptrick profile image75
    cheaptrickposted 3 years ago

    enjoying the after glow of great sex,a doctor thinks to himself "It's OK to have sex with one of my patients,lots of doctors sleep with their patients"...then a tiny voice from the back of his mind says "Ya...but you're a veterinarian"...

    1. ruthwalker profile image79
      ruthwalkerposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      ^ lol

      not exactly a joke but was on a birthday card I saw the other day

      'Timmy the turtle is going to run a mile for every year of your life.............................he's very excited, he's never been to China before'

      1. BigBlue54 profile image60
        BigBlue54posted 3 years ago in reply to this

        Is this like the man who decided to run three miles a day. By the end of the week he was 21 miles away.

        1. Earl Noah Bernsby profile image86
          Earl Noah Bernsbyposted 3 years ago in reply to this

          LOL! lol

        2. ruthwalker profile image79
          ruthwalkerposted 3 years ago in reply to this

          lol yeah :p

    2. Cre8tor profile image96
      Cre8torposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      A doctor tells his patient, "I have some good news and bad news. Which would you like first?" The patient says, "Gimme the bad news first."
      Doctor: "You have a week to live."
      Patient: "Oh my goodness! What's the good news?"
      Doctor: "You see that hot receptionist over there? I'm sleeping with her."

      1. The Examiner-1 profile image83
        The Examiner-1posted 3 years ago in reply to this

        I remember that one, but it is good.

      2. BigBlue54 profile image60
        BigBlue54posted 3 years ago in reply to this

        Thought you were doing the one about the patient who was in to have his foot removed. After the operation the doctor said I have some bad news and some good news. So the patient say I'll have the bad news first. The doctor says that due to a mix up the removed the wrong foot. So what's the good news? Your other foot is getting better, said the doc.

        1. Cre8tor profile image96
          Cre8torposted 3 years ago in reply to this

          LOL. No I haven't heard that one before. Thanks for adding to my selection.

  8. Cre8tor profile image96
    Cre8torposted 3 years ago

    A man's wife is trying to rekindle the romance in their marriage. Upon the suggestion of a friend, she decides to buy something sexy to wear for her husband. She ends up going with a sexy black lace pair of crotch-less panties. She rushes home, gets done up real nice, put on the panties and lays in waiting on the bed for her husband to return from work......

    As the bedroom door swings open, the man sees his wife and hears, "Come here baby. I know you want some of this." To which he replies, "Heck no! Look what it did to your panties!"

    1. Cre8tor profile image96
      Cre8torposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      The next day she decides to try again. This time wearing a sexy Super Woman type costume. When her husband arrives, she springs from the closet and says, "Super Booty!". To which her husband says, "I'll take the soup."

      1. BigBlue54 profile image60
        BigBlue54posted 3 years ago in reply to this

        LOL

        1. Thief12 profile image91
          Thief12posted 3 years ago in reply to this

          Silly, but I LOL'ed big_smile

  9. brakel2 profile image86
    brakel2posted 3 years ago

    A girl's father told her to always follow a snow plow if she got lost in a snowstorm. It finally happened. She faithfully followed him until she saw him get out and come to her car. He asked her what she was doing, and she related her father's advice. He then told her that she followed him while he plowed "Best Buy" and asked her if she wanted to follow him while he plowed J.C. Penney's.

  10. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
    DzyMsLizzyposted 3 years ago

    A man buys a horse from a retired preacher.  The preacher advises him, "You have to use special commands with this horse; not 'giddy up' or 'whoa!' "
    "When you want him to go, you must say, 'Jesus Christ,' when you want him to stop, you must say, 'Amen.' "
    The fellow agrees, pays for the animal and climbs on.
    "Jesus Christ," he says, and the horse obediently starts off.
    After a little bit, he nudges the horse to make it go faster, and faster again.  Soon, they are at a full gallop.
    Suddenly, the man realizes they are in a box canyon, heading right for a cliff.  In a panic, he hauls up on the reins, and shouts, "WHOA!!  WHOA!"  The horse keeps going. The terrified man tries again, "WHOA!! STOP!"  The horse keeps going.
    Finally, he remembers the proper command, and yells, "AMEN!" 
    The horse skids to a stop with his hooves at the very edge of the cliff.
    The fellow takes out his handkerchief, wipes his brow, and says, "Jeeesus Chrriiist!"

    1. BigBlue54 profile image60
      BigBlue54posted 3 years ago in reply to this

      Must admit I saw the end of that joke but still made me laugh.

      True story. In the late 19th century the British Army had bought some horses two of which had previously been used to haul a trolley. They were hitched up to a wagon but the army driver could not get them to move. He eventually discover how to make them move when he remembered what they had previously been used for. When they pulled the trolley they had been taught as a safety thing to stay still until the driver rang the bell. Only then would they move. So the army driver fitted his wagon with a bell and they were fine.

    2. The Examiner-1 profile image83
      The Examiner-1posted 3 years ago in reply to this

      LOLOL!!! MsLizzy Even though I have heard it before it was still good.

  11. BigBlue54 profile image60
    BigBlue54posted 3 years ago

    Three women who have not seen each other for sometime get together one day. They are catching up on everything and talk eventually gets round to their respective partners and what it is like in bed.

    So the first one say that for her sex is like a sports car, fast and exhilarating.

    The second says for her sex life is like a luxury car smooth and sumptuous.

    So the third one say that for her sex is like a vintage car. The other two looking puzzled asked what she means, so she reply that it only runs once a year and has to be hand cranked. big_smile

  12. merej99 profile image89
    merej99posted 3 years ago

    It's a Your mama joke.  I get people all the time with this one.
    Here goes:
    Your mama is sooooooo ugly...

    1. Cre8tor profile image96
      Cre8torposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      "How ugly is she?"

      1. merej99 profile image89
        merej99posted 3 years ago in reply to this

        That's it.  That's all I got.  LOL

        1. Cre8tor profile image96
          Cre8torposted 3 years ago in reply to this

          Like the oldest trick in the book...

          http://s2.hubimg.com/u/8768545_f248.jpg

          "I madest thou look."

          1. merej99 profile image89
            merej99posted 3 years ago in reply to this

            haha!  Exactly!  Only - the first time I did it I was exchanging your mama jokes with my son.  He just looked at me and said, "but...  you...  uh..."  Oh, If I'd only had a camera. LOL

  13. Writer Fox profile image75
    Writer Foxposted 3 years ago

    I think we should have a joke contest.

    1. BigBlue54 profile image60
      BigBlue54posted 3 years ago in reply to this

      Not sure that would work Writer Fox. Who decides the winner?

      Think just telling a few jokes amongst friends is much better. We are more relaxed and can appreciate what each others jokes.

      1. Writer Fox profile image75
        Writer Foxposted 3 years ago in reply to this

        A Catholic priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi got together and they decided to have a big challenge.  They challenged each other to go out into the forest and find a bear and convert the bear to their religions. So, two days later, they came back to share their experiences.

        Father Flannery, the Catholic priest said:  "Well, I read to him from the catechism and I sprinkled him with holy water and, by Mary, he was as gentle as a lamb.  And the Bishop is coming up next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

        And the Pentecostal preacher said: "I read to the bear from the Holy word and I took hold of him and I wrestled him down to the creek and I dunked him and baptized him and he became as gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of the day in praise."

        And then they both looked down at the rabbi who happened to be in a full body cast, his face bruised and scratched. The Rabbi said: "Well, you know, looking back on it, circumcision probably wasn't the best way to start."

        1. Cre8tor profile image96
          Cre8torposted 3 years ago in reply to this

          LOLOLOLOL! :-)

        2. cheaptrick profile image75
          cheaptrickposted 3 years ago in reply to this

          The same rabbi saved foreskins from the circumcisions he did and had a wallet made from them...when he rubbed the wallet it became a suitcase.

          A skeleton walks into a bar and says
          "I'll have a pitcher of beer"
          The bartender says
          "Would you like that with a mop"

          I was walking through the park when I saw a guy mugging a little old lady...I Jumped right into it!.It took a while,but we finally got her purse from her.

          An old lady walks up to an old man in a nursing home and says
          "I bet I can tell you how old you are" The old man says
          "OK,how old am I?" The old lady reaches down the front of his pants and fondles him for a while,then says
          "You are 85 years old" The old man freaks and says
          "How did you know that!" The old lady says
          "You told me yesterday".

        3. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
          DzyMsLizzyposted 3 years ago in reply to this

          Roflmao, WF, at the bear joke.... I'll have to pass that one on to my MIL..she always enjoys a 'naughty' joke...

  14. FlourishAnyway profile image92
    FlourishAnywayposted 3 years ago

    Writer Fox you're hilarious.  Humor hubs are calling your name.

  15. Cre8tor profile image96
    Cre8torposted 3 years ago

    A rich man living in a fancy high rise apartment with an outdoor kitchen and the whole nine, has the suspicion that his wife has been messing around so one day he decides to come home early to see what she's up to.

    Upon entering his high rise, he sees her frantically rushing around in the bedroom...steamy mirrors but she was dry as a bone.

    "I knew it! Where is he?" He begins hunting all over the place, finding nothing. He heads to the balcony/kitchen to get some fresh air when he notices a set of hands hanging off the side.

    "There you are you S.O.B." and begins stomping on his hands. The man falls 13 stories hitting the pavement. Still alive he barely begins to move. Seeing this, the rich man throws his refrigerator over the edge onto the man, killing him. Overcome by anger, hurt and exhaustion, the rich man suffers a massive heart attack and dies.

    As he reaches the gates of St. Peter, he hears, "Next"
    St. Peter: "What brings you here?"
    The rich man tells the story of what just happened and when done, St. Peter says, "That's terrible my friend. Please enter."

    The gates open and the rich man enters. "Next!"

    St. Peter: "What brings you here?"
    Man: "St. Peter, you're not going to believe this. I'm washing the windows of my 15th story apartment when I slip and fall catching myself on one of the balconies below. This man comes over screaming something about his wife, stomps on my hands and I fall to the concrete below. I can't believe I'm still alive, barely but next thing I know, the man throws a refrigerator on me...now I'm here."
    St. Peter: "That's terrible my friend. Please enter." "Next!!" "What brings you here?"
    Man: "St. Peter, you're never going to believe this...so I'm naked in this refrigerator...."

    1. Cre8tor profile image96
      Cre8torposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      (Sorry for the Hub! LOL)

  16. MelissaBarrett profile image60
    MelissaBarrettposted 3 years ago

    Here's hoping this doesn't get me banned...

    So a zoophile, an arsonist, a necrophiliac and a masochist are sitting on a bench when a cat walks by.

    The zoophile says "Man, I want to make love to that cat."

    The arsonist says "Man, I want to set that cat on fire and then make love to it."

    The necrophiliac says "Man, I want to set that cat on fire, beat it until it dies THEN make love to it."

    The masochist says "Meow"

  17. Martin Heeremans profile image81
    Martin Heeremansposted 3 years ago

    LMFAO @ Everyone

    Who agrees with writer fox? Should this be a contest with a winner declared? It would be a long and arduous task where every hubber involved with this discussion would have to cast a vote.

    Would be good to see what jokes end up as the winner though!

    Just in case here's my entry...

    Mongo is a 12 year old boy from Africa who has to walk over 5 KM a day just to get fresh water. Your small donation of $2.00 will help us buy a whip so we can make the b@st@rd run!

  18. Martin Heeremans profile image81
    Martin Heeremansposted 3 years ago

    Two old ladies where sitting at a park bench when a young gentlemen, wearing a trench coat flashes his genitalia at them. One has a stroke, the other can't quite reach...

  19. Dont Taze Me Bro profile image77
    Dont Taze Me Broposted 3 years ago

    Not sure if you'd consider this a joke but I was driving down a country road one day trying to find the address of a prospective customer when this pig, with a wooden leg, ran across the road in front of me and on up to this pig farmer's house. Curious, I had to stop and I walked up to the pig farmer and asked him about that pig I saw with the wooden leg. He replied "Yessir!... that there is 'China', our very special pig." He went on to explain how he and his family were asleep one night when a fire started in the house and "China" the pig came in the front door, ran upstairs squealing and woke them all up! He said "Yessir, 'China' saved all our lives and the house too - he's somethin' special, that thar is one special pig he is!"

    I said "Well that's amazing but it doesn't explain to me why he has a wooden leg."

    The pig farmer, looking seriously down his long nose at me and said, "Well shoot son, you cain't just eat a special pig like that!...'least not all at once."


    A couple months later I had to go out by the pig farm again so I stopped by to say hi to "China" and the pig farmer, and well I guess the pig farmer really meant what he said 'cause...





    ...a few days and a few meals later





    http://s2.hubimg.com/u/8769665_f248.jpg

    1. Dont Taze Me Bro profile image77
      Dont Taze Me Broposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      http://s2.hubimg.com/u/8796903_f248.jpg

      [read with an Italian accent]

      One day I'm'a gonna New York to big'a hotel. In'a morning I go to eat'a breakfast. I tell'a waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring me one piss. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss on'a my plate. She say you better not piss on'a plate, you son'a ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch.
      Later I go to eat at the big'a restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell'a her I wanna fock. She tell'a me everyone wanna fock. I tell'a her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you son'a ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch.
      So I go to room'a in'a hotel and there is no sheits on'a my bed. I call'a the manager and tell'a him I wanna sheit. He tell'a me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on'a my bed. He say you better not sheit on'a bed, you son'a ma bitch. I dont even know the man and he call'a me sonna ma bitch.
      I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you son'a ma bitch. I gonna go back to Italy.

  20. FatFreddysCat profile image95
    FatFreddysCatposted 3 years ago

    A Protestant moves into a largely Catholic neighborhood where the residents still follow the old rule about not eating meat on Fridays.
    Every Friday night this guy goes out on his back deck and grills a huge juicy steak. The smell wafts throughout the neighborhood and drives everyone crazy.
    Finally the neighbors confront him about his Friday habit and the man agrees to convert to Catholicism.
    A priest comes to the man's house, sprinkles him with some holy water, and says "You were born a Protestant, but now you're a Catholic. You were born a Protestant, but now you're a Catholic. Amen."
    The next Friday night... the neighbors all smell steak grilling in the guy's backyard. A couple of them go rushing over, all pissed off, and find him sprinkling water over the steak and saying:
    "You were born a cow, but now you're a fish. You were born a cow, but now you're a fish. Amen."

  21. lmoyer92 profile image83
    lmoyer92posted 3 years ago

    If a Fireman's career can go up in smoke,
    a plumber's career down the drain,
    Does that mean hookers get laid off?

    1. merej99 profile image89
      merej99posted 3 years ago in reply to this

      D'oh!  LOL

  22. Writer Fox profile image75
    Writer Foxposted 3 years ago

    This is from my 'Quotes about Divorce Hub':
    "What is divorce? Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." – Robin Williams

  23. FatFreddysCat profile image95
    FatFreddysCatposted 3 years ago

    Q: How do you make a taco stand?
    A: take away his chair.

  24. Elies profile image60
    Eliesposted 3 years ago

    Man: If I gave you $1 million dollars would you have sex with me?
    Woman: Shoot yes I would!
    Man: If I gave you $10 would you have sex with me?
    Woman: Hell no! What do you think I am? Some kind of slut?
    Man: No sweetheart, we've already established that you are a slut. Now we're just negotiating!

    1. BigBlue54 profile image60
      BigBlue54posted 3 years ago in reply to this

      I think George Bernard Shaw would appreciate that his words are still remembered Elies. Well done. smile

  25. FatFreddysCat profile image95
    FatFreddysCatposted 3 years ago

    Q: How can you tell if a house was built by lesbians?
    A: There's no studs.

  26. Martin Heeremans profile image81
    Martin Heeremansposted 3 years ago

    This is a funny retort to say to someone that is giving you grief and just won't give up.

    When you're fed up with there cr@p simply say "Hey, I don't come down to the strip club and knock the d!ck out of your mouth while you're working!"

    1. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
      DzyMsLizzyposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      Speaking of funny retorts--I read this one in a book of insults to use--in several languages. 
      The case for this one would be if you found yourself dining in a greasy spoon joint, and found small black things in your salad, you could say:
      "Are these raisins, or to you keep rabbits under the counter?"

  27. fpherj48 profile image82
    fpherj48posted 3 years ago

    Harry hates Doctors.  He never wants to have a check up.  But Harry's wife insists he go or a physical.
    After about a 15 minute standard exam, the Dr. looks very serious and tells Harry, "You definitely need lap band surgery.  You're really much too fat."

    Harry speaks up and says...."Whoa!  Not so fast Doc.  I want a second opinion."

    So the Dr. says,  "OK.....you're UGLY too."

  28. WryLilt profile image86
    WryLiltposted 3 years ago

    What's brown and sticky?






    A stick.

  29. spease profile image84
    speaseposted 3 years ago

    You know how in the fall you see Geese flying in a V formation, and one side of the V is longer than the other?
    Do you know why?

    There are more Geese on that side.

    1. BigBlue54 profile image60
      BigBlue54posted 3 years ago in reply to this

      Thanks spease for clear that up. That's been bothering me for years. big_smile

  30. FatFreddysCat profile image95
    FatFreddysCatposted 3 years ago

    Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?
    A: "Dung!"

  31. Writer Fox profile image75
    Writer Foxposted 3 years ago

    What's worse than finding a worm inside of an apple?

    http://s2.hubimg.com/u/8782669_f248.jpg

    Finding half a worm.

  32. Martin Heeremans profile image81
    Martin Heeremansposted 3 years ago

    Wayne and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

    And every year Wayne would say,

    'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

    Edna always replied,

    'I know Wayne, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

    And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

    One year Wayne and Edna went to the fair,

    and Wayne said,

    'Edna, I'm 75 years old.

    If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

    To this, Edna replied,

    "Wayne that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

    The pilot overheard the couple and said,

    'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

    But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

    Wayne and Edna agreed and up they went.

    The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but

    not a word was heard.

    He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

    But still not a word...

    When they landed, the pilot turned to Wayne and said,

    'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

    I'm impressed!'

    Wayne replied,

    'Well, to tell you the truth,

    I almost said something when Edna fell out,

    But you know,

    "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

    1. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
      DzyMsLizzyposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      Oh, my!  LOL  Did not see that one coming!  big_smile

    2. BigBlue54 profile image60
      BigBlue54posted 3 years ago in reply to this

      Great one. big_smile

  33. WTF World profile image72
    WTF Worldposted 3 years ago

    Missandry.

  34. itsaetos profile image60
    itsaetosposted 3 years ago

    One guy went to his crush and said 'Do you wanna kiss?'

    She replied, 'Excuse me!?'

    He then revealed a bag of Hershey's Kisses.

    DO YOU REALIZE WHAT A GOOD BACKUP PLAN THAT IS?

    Source: 9GAG

    1. Writer Fox profile image75
      Writer Foxposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      I like that one!

      What do you call a guy who graduates at the bottom of his class in medical school?

      A doctor.

      1. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
        DzyMsLizzyposted 3 years ago in reply to this

        Hahahaha...reminds me of another (not so "PC" ) joke from years back:

        The local priest is asking a family he hasn't seen in a while how their now-gown children are doing.
        The father brags, "My oldest boy, he's as sharp as a whip; we made a lawyer out of him."
        The priest asks, "Weren't there a couple of other children?"
        "Oh, yes...the middle boy, he was less sharp; we made a doctor out of him."
        "And the youngest boy?"
        "Wellll..." answers the wife a bit sheepishly, "Frankly, Father, he wasn't so bright.  We made a priest out of him."

  35. misslong123 profile image90
    misslong123posted 3 years ago via iphone

    I must say so far I like the crotchless panties one the best so far. Lol. Too funny.

  36. Martin Heeremans profile image81
    Martin Heeremansposted 3 years ago

    An American has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

  37. profile image0
    Copper Manposted 3 years ago

    A druggist's assistant once used castor oil to cure a customer's cough. When his boss chastized him for doing so, the assistant said: "See the guy out there leaning against the lamp post? He doesn't dare cough."

  38. FatFreddysCat profile image95
    FatFreddysCatposted 3 years ago

    Q: What has nine arms and sucks?
    A: Def Leppard.

  39. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
    DzyMsLizzyposted 2 years ago

    A young divorcee is walking along a beach, pondering what to do with her life.  She stumbles across an odd bottle, and picks it up.  As she brushes off the sand, of course, out pops the proverbial Genie.
    Startled, she says that she only thought Genies existed in books and stories.

    "Well, as you can see, I'm quite real" the Genie replied.  And since you seem to know about us from your reading, you must know that you get 3 wishes, and 3 only."
    "Yes, yes...I've heard that."

    "There is a catch, here, however.  Since you are divorced, whatever you wish for, your ex husband will get double."

    The young woman is stunned, and wracks her mind for a suitable wish.  Thinking he won't have much use for jewelry, she says, "I'd like to have the most beautiful diamond and ruby necklace  in the world!"
    "Done!" says the Genie, and instantly it appears adorning her.
    "Oh, DAMN!" she says--but now my ex has 2 of these!"
    "That's right"

    "Oh, dear...and he might have a new girlfriend...I'll have to think of a better wish.  I know!  I wish I had 5 million dollars!"
    "Done!" and a suitcase full of money appears at her side.
    "Damn!  I did it again!  Now he has 10 million dollars! Oh, dear!  I'm nearly out of wishes.  I must think very carefully."

    After pondering for a few moments, she brightens up and tells the Genie, "I know what my last wish is.  I want you to scare me half to death."

    1. BigBlue54 profile image60
      BigBlue54posted 2 years ago in reply to this

      Good one big_smile

  40. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
    DzyMsLizzyposted 2 years ago

    Two buddies are out hiking in the woods, planning to spend the night.  As they walk down the trail, a bear appears, and they panic and start running, the bear in pursuit.

    Suddenly, one of them stops, drops his backpack and changes his shoes. 
    The other fellow says, "Why are you putting on your running shoes?  Do you really think we can outrun a bear?"

    "No, but I don't have to outrun the bear," replies the first.  "I just have to outrun you!"

  41. Martin Heeremans profile image81
    Martin Heeremansposted 2 years ago

    An Irishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants.
    The bartender says to the Irishman "Hey you, there's a steering wheel hanging out your pants!"
    The Irishman replies "I know, it's driving me nuts..."

    1. GA Anderson profile image85
      GA Andersonposted 2 years ago in reply to this

      That's a good one. I couldn't help chuckling..."Driving me nuts....." Excellent!

      GA

  42. brakel2 profile image86
    brakel2posted 2 years ago

    A young man got in his unlocked car, but the keys did not work in ignition. He also thought he had locked.car He tried turning steering wheel. but that did not work. Pretty soon an old man came along and asked if he could help. The young man said that his keys would not work in ignition. Old man said "That.s because this is my car, not yours." Sheepishly, young man got out of car and found his identical car nearby. This is a true story that just happened. We are still laughing. Luckily the old man was alo a nice man. The other man was my husband.

    1. BigBlue54 profile image60
      BigBlue54posted 2 years ago in reply to this

      Your story Brakel2 reminded me of something I had read about a man who had been out driving in his car. He had parked it but when he came back the car was missing. He looked up and down the street just in case he was not looking in the right place but nothing. Eventually he had to call the police to report it as stolen, then his car insurance company to make a claim on his insurance and bought himself a new car.

      Then one day about two years later he suddenly realised that when he had returned to where he thought his old car was parked he was looking in the wrong place and he had parked it in a different street. So out of curiosity he went to look at the spot he had actually parked his old car and it was still there where he had left it.

      As he had reported it to the police it does make you wonder why they did not find it.

  43. Sed-me profile image81
    Sed-meposted 2 years ago

    This is my 11 year old's joke:

    Two muffins are baking in an oven.
    The first muffin says, "Boy! It sure is hot in here!"
    The second one says, "Oh my gosh! A talking muffin!" smile

  44. GA Anderson profile image85
    GA Andersonposted 2 years ago

    Two guys walk into a bar... the third guy ducks.

    Silly, I know. Just wanted to post on the topic.

    Two senior ladies sunbathing on the deck.
    One says to the other, "Are you getting any on the side?" To which the other replies, On the side? It's been so long I didn't even know they moved it!"

    GA

    1. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
      DzyMsLizzyposted 2 years ago in reply to this

      LOL--similar to the one I posted above, that my husband came up with---but I think no one "got it."

      ...A man walks into a bar, .... and says, "ouch!"

  45. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
    DzyMsLizzyposted 2 years ago

    A personnel manager is interviewing a woman for a job; she appears to be the stereotypical "ditzy blonde."

    He asks, "If you could have a conversation with anyone you wanted, living or dead, who would you choose."

    Without missing a beat, she replies, "The living one."

    1. BigBlue54 profile image60
      BigBlue54posted 2 years ago in reply to this

      I don't blame her, the dead tend not to be to chatty.

  46. Martin Heeremans profile image81
    Martin Heeremansposted 2 years ago

    A gentlemen is sitting at a bar having a beer when suddenly he hears someone talking while no one else is around.
    "Nice shoes" he hears.
    "What a cool hat" he hears again.
    "Wow, that shirt is awesome!"
    Not able to pick up where the talking is coming from he turns to the bartender and questions...
    "What is that? Do you know where it's coming from?"
    The bartender replies...
    "It's the peanuts... They're complimentary"

    1. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
      DzyMsLizzyposted 2 years ago in reply to this

      ohhh....groaning, but still snickering....  LOL

 
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