OK.. Things are grim.. earthquakes, credit crunch and sex scandals. I thought it might be nicer to see the funnier side of laugh. Laughing is great therapy and can give you the feeling of well being.
Share the hub love with a laugh and brighten our days here! It can include links to funny videos and pictures.
I thought I would share this with you to start...
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
Do you know what is the difference between a cop and a hooker?
There is none - both of them are standing on the street and embarrassing their family.
Here is a recent hub I did - about weight loss - hope you get a laugh or two from it.
http://hubpages.com/hub/Weight-Loss-Quo … ire-Us-All
Nice one Elay!
What's green and smells porky?
Answer... Kermit's middle finger!!!!! hehehe
A young Irish Lad went over to London in England, he was from way out in the countryside and knew nothing about life off the farm, well he was walking down the street in London, had no money and no where to go, a 70 year old lady of the night (pros) asked him if he was ok and if he would like to come home with her for something to eat. The Irish lad was delighted that he was going to get feed. The 70 year old lady of the night made him a big dinner of potatoes and stew. She then asked him if he would like to go to bed. He was delighted. When they went to bed - Irish fell asleep straight away. The 70 year old lady of the night who had not had much love for a while was hot and ....She decided to wait and let him sleep for an hour. After an hour the 70 year old lady of the night woke Irish and said she wanted to sleep on his side of the bed, Irish was about to get out of bed and walk around to her side when she said No, I will climb over you. She then climbed over him, rubbing her love against his face as she went over him. When Irish got to the other side he fell asleep not noticing that the lady wanted love. Any way she waited for another hour and tried again, same thing, although she had added some olive oil to her thighs (look she had no money and it was all she could afford). Finally at 6am the 70 year old was so frustrated that she woke Irish up and said do you know what I want? and Irish said Yes - you want the whole feakin bed to yourself..
Irish comes back home to Ireland and tells his friends what happened in London. So his cousin goes over to London. His cousin was walking down the street when a 70 year old lady of the night asks him if he would like to come home for something to eat. Irish is excited that he is going to get food. The Lady of the night takes Irish home, makes him a big pot of Irish Stew and potatoes (you can see the recipe on my Hub). Takes Irish to bed and gives him some lovin all night. Next morning the 70 year old who is exhausted but glad of the work, makes Irish a big breakfast. As Irish is about to go out the door, the Lady of the Night says "What about some money Irish?", Irish replies, "I could not take it off you - you have done enough for me already".
Doctors Never Laugh
. . . The doctor replied, 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a doctor. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
'I am SO sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem ?'
'It's swollen,' Bob replied
Jake and sheila decide not have a baby for the present and use condom every time. Soon the genes get wiser and decide not to end up in the toilet. They want to become a baby.
They form an army with Jean Chromo as the commander. As the climax approaches, the genes, with their collective might, burst through the condom and enter full throttle . Jean immediately shouts " Go back, go back, it is s**t here"
Here's a couple of "groaners" from my pre-coffee brain.
Why was the snowman smiling?
He heard the snowblower was coming.
A pirate walks into a bar w/ a ship's wheel between his legs.
The bartender says "Sir, you appear to have a ships wheel btw your legs!"
The pirate replies "Arrrgh. I know. Its drivin' me nuts."
Ok, this is pretty old, but I've yet to watch it and not have a smile on my face...
Wow... that is great therapy for anyone that might feel down! Well done for this one!!!! xxxxxx
I've seen this one before and it makes me LOL every time.
Here is another funny (and true) one about the difference between men and women:
I suggest you go to youtube and find the Ron Whites financial solutions video! It is on about the third page. I tried to link it but.......
Some bad language, but funny!!!!
Another oldie but goodie...
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecards from the event.
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. It took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like substance to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing as it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Now this one NEVER FAILS to make me laugh...
Ok, here is another oldie, and it's a long one again...LOL
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Heard a story this morning about a girl who set her password for a certain site as: "MickeyMinnieDonaldHeweyDeweyLouiePlutoGoofySacramento"
When asked why she chose such a long password, she said she was told it had to have at least eight characters and one capital.
Okay, here's one that's a little risque:
King Arthur was preparing to go on yet another voyage for holy treasure, and he was only taking a few knights with him. In the meantime, he planned to leave Lady Guinevere and most of the other knights at home. King Arther didn't trust all the other knights, so he visited his good friend Merlin and asked if he could help with the situation.
A few days later Merlin revealed a new invention: the chastity belt; at first King Arthur was overjoyed, but then he realized that Merlin put a hole in the belt in the worst possible place (i.e., right over the maiden fair's maidenhead). Arthur was just about to fly off the handle when Merlin, grabbing an old wand, placed the stick inside the hole in the chastity belt. A tiny little guillotine came down and snapped the stick right in half. King Arthur was overjoyed!
Soon after, he put Lady Guinevere in the chastity belt, left instructions for the knights, and departed for his long quest.
Over a year later, Arthur returned. Upon his arrival all the Knights gathered. Eager to see that the knights were true to their word and had not molested the lady fair, he lined all the Knights up before him and ordered them to drop their trousers. Hesitantly, they did, and every single one had been mutilated by the chastity belt....except one--Galahad.
"Sir Galahad!" The King proclaimed, "The only faithful knight in the land. Tell us, Sir...how DID you avoid the temptation?"
But, Sir Galahad was speechless.
Im surprised he didn't ask for a new tongue? Loved this joke! lmao!
The only thing that bothers me about this joke is...where are the severed members?
I've posted three pretty funny hubs... The Man With The Four Legged Chicken... The Tale of Two Trees... And my latest, The Traveling Brush Salesman... These are funny, I don't care who you are... Please give them a read...
Three irish bin men were doing their x-mas rounds. The driver of the bin truck told the two fellas on the back make sure you knock at mrs mollies house, she always gives a good tip.
The first guy knocks on the door and to his delight is pulled in, up the stairs and given a good seen to. He goes out and tells the other two.
The second guy says ill have a bit of that and goes and knocks at her door. Same story, hes pulled in, up the stairs and given a good seen to. He walks out with a smile on his face and tells the driver.
The driver says, well if you two have got a bit so will i. He jumps out of his seat, goes over and knocks at the door. Mrs mollie hands him a tenner. He looks at her and says whats this?, when the other two knocked you brought them in and gave them a good seen to.
She replied, i know, but when my husband was leaving for work this morning, i told him you three were coming today for your tips, and he told me,................ just give a tenner to the driver and f**k the other two!
Ok so I have this Biker Buddy, who has a Biker Buddy....One year they were down in Florida for bike week... They went to the beach and were having a great time...
My buddies buddy went for a swim and after a while he came rushing out of the water yelling SHARK!!!
He got into a lot of trouble for it, because after the panic had died down, and the coast guard and life guards, the beach patrol and city cops figured out there wasn't really any shark (Him lying on the beach laughing until he cried kinda gave it away as well) They really didn't think it was very funny, they called it disturbing the peace and inciting a panic and a bunch of other stuff... He ended up going to jail and got some big fines....what a bummer...
I really think they should of treated him a little nicer... They could of let him go with a warning or something, actualy they should of just cut him some slack...
I mean the guy lost his left leg from the knee down just last year in a bike wreck....Geez....
I have change dmy profile pic so that you can see what really drives me
There is nothing better than a good cock to get a girl going babes x
I have to say Irish, that's really a gorgeous cock you've got there. It even seems to sparkle...Do you take him to shows?
Here's an old standby - that older 12 steppers will especially appreciate!
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
A blonde was sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a corn field. She was rowing and rowing, and got so frustrated that the boat wouldn't move that she began to cry.
A second blonde, driving by the cornfield, saw the woman in the rowboat and got out of the car. She stared at the sobbing blonde for a bit in disbelief. Shaking her head and rolling her eyes, she shouted, "You know, it is blondes like you who give us the bad name!"
The blonde in the rowboat yelled, "Oh yeah, what are you gonna do about it?"
The blonde on the road said, "If i could swim, I would come out there and kick your ditzy ass!"
Do you know why blondes have bruise (black eye) around navel?
Because the blonde guys aren't much smarter either.
this is my favorite all - time fawlty towers:
and remember - you don't stop laughing because you grow older, you grow older because you stop laughing!
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