What is the funniest joke you have ever heard?

1. 61

   Daffy Duckposted 13 years ago

   There are millions of jokes out there.  Everyone says they have a great one.  What's the funniest one?

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2. 60

   paradigmsearchposted 13 years ago

   We can use a thread like this today...
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   As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
   
   But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

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   1. 61

      Daffy Duckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      That's Freaking hilarious.

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3. 77

   Shadesbreathposted 13 years ago

   A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump side by side in the woods.
   
   The bear leans over and says to the rabbit, "Hey rabbit, do you ever have trouble with sh--t sticking to your fur?"
   
   The rabbit says, "No."
   
   So the bear wiped his @ss with the rabbit.
   
   
   (Sorry, but that is the funniest joke I've ever heard. You asked.)

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   1. 61

      Daffy Duckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      That's Great!

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4. 0

   Stevennix2001posted 13 years ago

   this is easy.  it's from an old scope commercial i watched once as a kid, when my dad wanted me to watch nick at night with him.  they usually run a lot of old tv shows and commercials on there.  it went something like this.
   
   Employee:  Sir, you may fire me as your assistant, but i have say your breath is odiously unpleasant.  May I recommend a bottle of scope.  (holds up a bottle of scope)  It'll leave your breath smelling minty fresh. 
   
   Boss walks in*
   
   Employee:  Wow, sir your breath smells remarkably refreshing today.
   
   Boss:  Thanks.  My wife finally got onto me about using Scope.
   
   employee looks at the camera relieved that he won't have to tell his boss about his bad breath* 
   
   Okay, I'll admit that joke may not be the funniest that I've heard, but it's still funny though. 

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5. 0

   Stevennix2001posted 13 years ago

   Oh i have one.  This is a joke i heard a while back when I used to be part of the boy scouts, as a kid.
   
   It involves a hot sexy female teacher and a male student.  The student one day asks the teacher if he can spend the night at her place, and she says, "only if you make good grades on your next report card."  Well the kid makes straight "A's", then he spends the night at her place.  The kid then asks, "Can I sleep in the same bed as you?  My mom always lets me."  The teacher says, "sure, why not."  The kid then asks, "Can I put my finger in your belly button, as my mom always lets me do that before I go to sleep."  The teacher then agrees, until suddenly she gasps in surprise.  She says, "That's not my belly button!"  And the boy replies, "I know, and that's not my finger!"  Okay, I know that's a dirty joke, but it was funny as hell back then. 

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   1. 72

      Diane Insideposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Steven your too funny.
      

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      1. 0

         Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

         aw thanks diane, and your too cute.

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   2. 61

      Daffy Duckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      That is pretty good.

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6. 62

   No_Clueposted 13 years ago

   Three elderly sisters living together in a big old house. Sister #1 decides to take a bath. Goes upstairs, turns on the bath water, disrobes, and is about to dip her toe into the water when she stops and yells out..."Sister, Oh Sister! I forget! Am I getting in or getting out?"
   Sister #2 says,"Just a minute, Sister...I'll be right up!" Half way up the stairs she stops...turns around and says to sister #3, "Sister? I forgot! Am I coming or going?"
   Sister #3 shakes her head and says to herself, "Thank you, God, I am not as bad as either of them...knock on wood" and she knocks three times on her head.
   She then hollers out," Just a minute, Sister, I will be there as soon as I answer the door!"

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   1. 72

      Diane Insideposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      

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7. 72

   Diane Insideposted 13 years ago

   A man walks into an airport determined to take a vacation but doesn't know where he wants to go. The lady at the counter tries to give him suggestions. How about New York City?  "No" he says"too many Catholics there."  "Then how about Los Angelos?"
   
   "No too many Catholics." he says. Whith every suggestion his answer is the same. "too many Catholics."
   
   Then the Nun who was in line behind him grew aggitated at his answers and Says "Sir, why don't you go to hell? There aren't any Catholics there."

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      Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      

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8. 60

   Tina Kachanposted 13 years ago

   Here is another joke regarding religion. You know that story about Mary Magdalene when a group of angry men wanted to stone her for committing adultery?
   
   Well..they were about to stone her, and then Jesus walks in and says to everyone: "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."
   
   Suddenly a stone came out of nowhere right into Mary Magdalene`s face. Jesus turns around to see who did that and says: Mother, I told you already not to bother me when I am working!
   
   My brother told me that one and he is a priest

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9. 79

   LeanManposted 13 years ago

   Two nuns in the bath together;
   
   one says "wears the soap?"
   
   the other says
   
   "it does doesn't it."

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10. 61

    Daffy Duckposted 13 years ago

    My doctor is the best.  He has a great medical plan.  If you can't afford the operation he touches up your x-ray!
    
    I heard that one from a 9 yr old.

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11. 61

    Daffy Duckposted 13 years ago

    Is Kim Kardashians @ss for real?  I mean is that her @ss or is she having an allergic reaction?  That thing is so plump and cushy she could win at bumper cars without even getting in a car.

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12. 61

    Daffy Duckposted 13 years ago

    My house was haunted about a year ago.  I called in some specialists to get rid of the demon.  They left but I found my wife was still there?

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13. 61

    cindi hposted 13 years ago

    ok this ones kinda long but soo funny especially if you read it with an irish accent!!
    
    Mike o'hurley goes down to his local pub one night. The bar tender makes an announcement that the pub is having a limerick contest and the best one will win 500 dollars. After listening to a couple of his friends, Mike stands, holds up his beer and says, "Here's to a long and happy life, between the legs of me lovely wife".  Well after all were done it was unanimous, Mike was the winner. He rushes home to tell his wife of his good fortune. "Mary you won't believe it, I won the best limerick down at Pat's pub, I won meself 500 dollars!"  Mary replies a little skeptical,"didja now, well what was it?" Mike has to think quickly and slowly stammers, "Here's to a long and happy life, sittin in church beside me wife."  A few days later Mary is in the market when she runs into paddy O'Brien, "Aye Mary did Mike tell ya he won the contest at the pub the other nite?" "Yes", she responds, "And I must say I'm a bit stunned. He's only been there twice in his life, the first time he fell asleep in the middle of it and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to get him to come."

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    1. 61

       Daffy Duckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       That's great!

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14. 0

    Stevennix2001posted 13 years ago

    a family of tomatoes are running down the street.  you have papa tomato, mama tomato and baby tomato.  baby tomato ends up falling behind so much that papa tomato gets pissed.  he rushes back to talk to his son and he says...KETCHUP! 

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15. 0

    Stevennix2001posted 13 years ago

    a man goes into a restaurant and orders a bowl of soup.  the man asks the waiter "will you taste you the soup?"  the waiter then replies, "whats wrong with the soup?  is it too cold?"  the guy says again, "will you just taste the soup."  waiter replies, "whats wrong with the soup, sir? is there something in the soup?"  the man reiterates again, "will you just please taste the soup."  the waiter finally says, "alright, alright already.  I'll taste the soup. where's the spoon?" 
    
    hahahaha.  hence, the punchline.  

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16. 0

    The Taco Taggerposted 13 years ago

    A woman was working in a two factory when the boss sees a bunch of "Tickle Me Elmos" were being produced with rather large sets of testicles. When he approached the Quality Assurance people he asked, "What is the meaning of the vulgar Elmo's coming out of the production line?" The employee replied with "I'm sorry but the sign says to give each Elmo two Test Tickles before they leave."
    
    
    I also have a dirty joke for you guys. A horse falls in a mud puddle! *bows* Thank you! Thank you! I'm here all week.

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    1. 61

       Daffy Duckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Nice man.

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17. 61

    lilian1posted 13 years ago

    It takes skill to fall on a flat surface .....

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18. 93

    habeeposted 13 years ago

    This was told to me by a Catholic pal!
    
    One day a priest was walking on a pier when he noticed a guy in a boat fishing. He waves to the fisherman, and the fisherman asks him if he'd like to join him in the boat for a little angling. The priest enthusiastically agrees but explains that he's never fished before. The angler says he'll teach him.
    
    On his first cast, the priest hauls in a really big fish. The fishermen exclaims, "Wow! That's a big son of a b****!" Realizing he's in the presence of a priest, the fisherman says, "Oh, father, I wasn't cursing. Ummm...that's the name of the fish species!"
    
    The priest smiles and nods, saying, "Yes, this is a rather large son of a b***."
    
    The priest takes the fish back to the monastery, and a young nun sees it. "Where did you get that fish, father?"
    
    priest: "I caught this son of a b***!"
    
    nun: "Father! Your language!"
    
    priest: "No, my child. That's the name of the fish."
    (continued)

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    1. 93

       habeeposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       nun: "Oh, well I'll clean the son of a b*** for you!"
       
       She takes the fish to the kitchen to clean it, and mother superior sees it.
       
       MS: "Where'd the fish come from?"
       
       nun: "This son of a b*** was caught by the priest!"
       
       MS: "Sister! You are in the house of the Lord!"
       
       nun: "No, that's the name of the fish."
       
       MS: "Oh. I'll cook it for dinner. The bishop is coming tonight."
       
       She cooks the fish, and they all sit down to dinner. Just as they start eating, the pope makes a surprise visit, and they invite him to join in their meal. He tastes the fish and proclaims, "This is the best fish I've ever eaten! Where did it come from?"
       
       priest: "I caught the SOB!
       nun: "I cleaned the SOB!"
       MS: "I cooked the SOB!"
       
       The pope rears back in his chair and pushes the miter back on his head. The three underlings suddenly realize what they've said, and there was dead silence. The pope props his feet on the table and says, "You f**kers are alright!!"

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19. 60

    Tom Koeckeposted 13 years ago

    Q: What is the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes?
    
    A: The pr*cks are on the outside of the porcupine.
    
    **********
    
    At the end of Richard Nixon's resignation speech, he introduces incoming President Gerald Ford. As he turns he bumps into Ford, and says pardon me to which Ford replies, "You're pardoned."
    
    **********
    
    Q: Why did Reagan not change light bulbs when he was President?
    
    A: He didn't realize he was in the dark.

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20. 63

    prettydarkhorseposted 13 years ago

    from Maxim magazine online, quoted verbatim! I really laugh at this one stereotyping but nevertheless funny.
    _________________
    
    A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.
    
    "What's your name?" he asked.
    
    "Carmen," she replied.
    
    "That's a nice name," he said. "Did your mother or father name you that?"
    
    "Neither," she said. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen."
    
    "Why did you do that?" he asked.
    
    "Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?"
    
    "Beertits," the man replied.

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21. 0

    jerrylposted 13 years ago

    A drunk staggers into the confessional booth at church.
    
    The priest enters the other side and asks:  Can I help you my son?
    
    In a strained grunting voice, the drunk says:  Yeah, have you got any paper?

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       Daffy Duckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       That's freaking hilarious!

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22. 81

    earnestshubposted 13 years ago

    From topfool.com/
    
    A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
    
    "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
    
    Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
    
    Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
    
    "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
    
    The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
    
    "Simple", replied the Priest...
    
    "It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

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    1. 63

       prettydarkhorseposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       funny LOL
       
       Jeff LOL too!

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    2. 61

       Daffy Duckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       That's great man.

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23. 72

    Jeff Berndtposted 13 years ago

    Did you hear about the newlyweds who didn't understand the difference between window putty and KY Jelly?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    All their windows fell out.

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       Daffy Duckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       No.  Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the bushes?

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24. 0

    jerrylposted 13 years ago

    A man is sitting in a booth in a cafe.  From where he is sitting, he can see into the kitchen.
    
    He notices that the cook is taking balls of hamburger and putting them into his armpit and flattening them before tossing them on the grill.
    
    He calls the waitress over and says, "Have you seen how that cook is making the hamburger patties?" 
    
    She said,  "That's nothing, you should see how he puts the holes in the donuts!"

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25. 61

    Rosenborgposted 8 years ago

    I know this thread is old.
    But Oh boy. Thanks for a good laugh guys.
    
    Why dont we start it again?
    
    I got one joke her:
    
    Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
    After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
    “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”
    Little BILLY replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
    “Oh?” replied the man. ” Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
    “No” replied Little Billy, “he minded his own fucking business!!”

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26. 61

    Live to Learnposted 8 years ago

    Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?
    
    He sat up all night pondering whether or not there really is a Dog.

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