Getting Rid of the Religion Reps

There never seems to be a good time for religious proselytizers to visit. It always seems to occur at the most inconvenient time for peddlers of religion. For example, while you are timing a delicate souffle, or just starting to get intimate with the person with whom you live in sin.

And there never seems to be a good way to get rid of them, either. They're always so gracious and smiling. They're too nice for you to just slam your door in their face.

Naturally, the easiest tactic is to pretend you are not at home. Just let them ring the bell until they give up. Below are some other suggestions.

Sometimes, nothing will work. But next time some salvation salespeople come to call, try one of these and see what happens:

• Say, "Come on in! The orgy is just starting!"
• Say, in a soft voice, "Good to see you. Lord Lucifer told me you'd come."
• Hand them each a set of handcuffs, wink, and say, "Yes, please, please, please come in." (A bit costly, but worth it.)
• Look at them with wide, unblinking eyes and say, "Yes, please come in and join our coven." More effective if you are dressed all in black.
• Hand them a pair of old shoes you planned to throw away and say, "Thanks. When will you have these back?" When they ask you what you mean, say, "Well, you save soles, don't you?" Then roll your eyes and shut the door.
• Usually when you greet someone at the door, you smile and say somthing like, "Hello. How can I help you?" Say the same thing you always do. When they start talking, nod and smile. When they finish talking, or ask you a question, say, "Hello. How can I help you?" Repeat as necessary.
• Smile and take whatever literature they hand you. Reach inside your door and retrieve whatever literature was left by whatever sect or cult visited last and hand it to them. Then smile and close your door.
• Whatever they say, bow and reply, "Belly belly good."
• Laugh too loud at everything they say. (Can be exhausting, but they do say laughter is good for the soul.)
• When you answer the door, wear a long black robe and carry a scythe. Say, "Welcome. I've been waiting for you."
• Look deeply troubled and say, in baby talk, "My mummy said I shouldn't answer the door."
• Look at them blankly and then answer them in a language that you invent on the spot.
• Invite them into your house for coffee or tea. Serve them, and then leave without explanation.
• Pretend not to understand them. Hand them each a dollar, then shut your door.
• When they start to try to convert you or whatever, say, "Just a minute." Reach inside the door for your halloween mask, and then carefully put it on. Then say, "Okay, go ahead."
• Offer to sell them life insurance. Be very persistent.

A trained attack dog such as our furry friend above leashed to a stake in the front yard will usually keep almost anyone away from your doorstep, but it can be an expensive and time consuming solution, especially if it bites someone.

Cease to care for your yard and let it grow and grow until it looks like no one has lived in the house for years. It helps to break a window as well to reinforce the abandoned home effect. You'll enjoy the animals that move into the new habitat you've provided.

Plant trees that shield the front of your house from view from the street. Beyond the trees, put a life-sized painting of an open field. Always enter your house from the back.

When they ring the bell, put on your old AC/DC album and crank up the volume. Put in your earplugs and read the paper.

On the other hand, if you have the time, you can invite them in, sit them down, offer them refreshment, and listen politely to their entire spiel. If you were lonely, well, now you have company. If you were bored, you can engage your would-be saviors in a philosophical discussion about life. Who knows? Maybe you will make some new friends.

Maybe you'll learn something, be it only not to answer your doorbell.