Getting Rid of the Religion Reps
There never seems to be a good time for religious proselytizers to visit. It always seems to occur at the most inconvenient time for peddlers of religion, for example, while you are timing a delicate souffle, or just starting to get intimate with the person with whom you live in sin.
And there never seems to be a good way to get rid of them, either. They're always so gracious and smiling. They're too nice for you to just slam your door in their face. What to do? What to do?
Sometimes, nothing will work. But next time some salvation salespeople come to call, try one of these and see what happens:
- Say, "Come on in! The orgy is just starting!"
- Say, in a soft voice, "Good to see you. Lord Lucifer told me you'd come."
- Hand them each a set of handcuffs, wink, and say, "Yes, please, please, please come in."
- Look at them with wide, unblinking eyes and say, "Yes, please come in and join our coven."
- Hand them a pair of old shoes you planned to throw away and say, "Thanks. When will you have these back?" When they ask you what you mean, say, "Well, you save soles, don't you?" Then roll your eyes and shut the door.
- Usually when you greet someone at the door, you smile and say somthing like, "Hello. How can I help you?" Say the same thing you always do. When they start talking, nod and smile. When they finish talking, or ask you a question, say, "Hello. How can I help you?" Repeat as necessary.
- Smile and take whatever literature they hand you. Reach inside your door and retrieve whatever literature was left by whatever sect or cult visited last and hand it to them. Then smile and close your door.
- Whatever they say, bow and say, "Belly belly good."
- Laugh too loud at everything they say.
- When you answer the door, wear a long black robe and carry a scythe. Say, "Welcome. I've been waiting for you."
- Look deeply troubled and say, "My mommy said I shouldn't answer the door."
- Look at them blankly and then answer them in a language that you invent on the spot.
- Invite them into your house for coffee or tea. Serve them, and then leave without explanation.
- Pretend not to understand them. Hand them each a dollar, then shut your door.
- When they start to try to convert you or whatever, say, "Just a minute." Reach inside the door for your devil mask, and then carefully put it on. Then say, "Okay, go ahead."
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