Getting Rid of the Religion Reps

There never seems to be a good time for religious proselytizers to visit. It always seems to occur at the most inconvenient time for peddlers of religion, for example, while you are timing a delicate souffle, or just starting to get intimate with the person with whom you live in sin.

And there never seems to be a good way to get rid of them, either. They're always so gracious and smiling. They're too nice for you to just slam your door in their face. What to do? What to do?

Sometimes, nothing will work. But next time some salvation salespeople come to call, try one of these and see what happens:

  • Say, "Come on in! The orgy is just starting!"
  • Say, in a soft voice, "Good to see you. Lord Lucifer told me you'd come."
  • Hand them each a set of handcuffs, wink, and say, "Yes, please, please, please come in."
  • Look at them with wide, unblinking eyes and say, "Yes, please come in and join our coven."
  • Hand them a pair of old shoes you planned to throw away and say, "Thanks. When will you have these back?" When they ask you what you mean, say, "Well, you save soles, don't you?" Then roll your eyes and shut the door.
  • Usually when you greet someone at the door, you smile and say somthing like, "Hello. How can I help you?" Say the same thing you always do. When they start talking, nod and smile. When they finish talking, or ask you a question, say, "Hello. How can I help you?" Repeat as necessary.
  • Smile and take whatever literature they hand you. Reach inside your door and retrieve whatever literature was left by whatever sect or cult visited last and hand it to them. Then smile and close your door.
  • Whatever they say, bow and say, "Belly belly good."
  • Laugh too loud at everything they say.
  • When you answer the door, wear a long black robe and carry a scythe. Say, "Welcome. I've been waiting for you."
  • Look deeply troubled and say, "My mommy said I shouldn't answer the door."
  • Look at them blankly and then answer them in a language that you invent on the spot.
  • Invite them into your house for coffee or tea. Serve them, and then leave without explanation.
  • Pretend not to understand them. Hand them each a dollar, then shut your door.
  • When they start to try to convert you or whatever, say, "Just a minute." Reach inside the door for your devil mask, and then carefully put it on. Then say, "Okay, go ahead."

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Comments 45 comments

C. C. Riter 7 years ago

Oh that was great Tom. You got a good one here. But I must say, for a Scot to give a dollar out the door? no,no,no! I'd spit on them first.

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

I thought of that. Personally I like giving them the last cult's literature best.

Thanks, CC!

C. C. Riter 7 years ago

Wow! new picture/avatar, nice, I never noticed that the last I was here.

Kellys Writing 7 years ago

This is a cool hub. Whenever they come to our neighborhood and you can tell who they are because they are part of a caravan, we turn off the tv and everything down stairs and just don't answer the door. We hang out upstairs for awhile until we are sure the coast is clear. Of course then you have to clean the front door of all the pamplets and papers they shove in crack of the door after they leave. They are the ones who need to know about recycling.

Good Hub and Best Wishes

G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

Reminds me of one time long son and husband were cleaning their shotguns and the doorbell rang...It was one of the religion pushers...not even thinking my son got up and answered the door with the gun in his arms...Need I say more?  Was a very long time before they came to our door again...Couldn't have planned it that well....G-Ma :o) Hugs & Peace (P.S. yes nice new avatar as C.C. says)

Darrell Roberts profile image

Darrell Roberts 7 years ago

Nice Hub, I had a good laugh. I would just put on my jacket and shoes then tell them I was on the way out to go do something then run away.

goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

I could barely make it through this one without having a severe asthma attack from laughing so hard.

KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas

Very funny hub. Just a couple of years ago my car died while I was leaving the parking lot of my work in a very busy part of town. Out of nowhere several people converged on my car to push it out of the way. It just so happened they were walking around the neighborhood handing out their religious literature and saw a 'soul in need'. They were super friendly, and of course I was grateful for their help, but they wanted to pray for me. I laughed hysterically and told them to pray for my car if they wanted to pray for something. Afterall, it was having more problems than me. They did and left me alone.

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

CC, glad you like my camera phone!

Thank you, Kelly, for contributing your story. It's amazing how widespread intrusive religion is!

Thank you Darrell, glad you enjoyed!

Mr. Goldentoad, so sorry, I didn't intend to injure anyone with my humor.

HA HA HA G-Ma! I wan't going to mention firearms, but there ya go!

KCC, I know what you mean. It's like there's something good that wants to happen there, and then it gets all tangled up with something else. Thanks for sharing your story.

mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

This was just so funny. I must try the "Grim Reaper" outfit idea, although usually telling them you are a Pagan works pretty well, as Paganism is apparently the hardest religion to persuade people to leave, (many good reasons behind that ideal in my own experience).

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Glad you enjoyed, Misty. I don't know much about Paganism, but it looks fun!

mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Oh it is Tom, white witchcraft, enjoying and believing in life and spirituality in all things nature made, e.g. earth, trees, animals etc, a belief in animals having souls, meditations, spirituality etc etc. You should read my hub called "What is Pagansim" for more info if you want to.  :)

C. C. Riter 7 years ago

They run around nude too don't they?

Jewels profile image

Jewels 7 years ago from Australia

I've resorted to a "No Canvassers" sign near my front door, cause if they're not selling religion, it's electricity or phone packages, or arms for the poor administrators of the poor people.

Nice hub and you are enjoyably generously humorous in your suggested ways of handling them. I choose to close the door - it's good for me to learn assertive skills.

Misha profile image

Misha 7 years ago from DC Area

LOL Thanks for the giggles :D Somehow this misfortune never knocked at my door...

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Running around nude? Well, like everything, you have to take the bad with the good, if you know what I mean, CC.

Misty, I will indeed check out your Paganism hub.

Thanks very much, Jewels. Closing the door is always the bottom line, whether it's closing the electronic door on the spammer or telemarketer, or closing the literal door on the peddlers.

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Good to see you again, Misha, glad you've been spared! May your luck continue!

Elena. profile image

Elena. 7 years ago from Madrid

Ay mamma mia, Tom, this is too good, "Belly belly good" actually! Laugh! And many of your little jewels here are good for any type of unsolicited caller! I think I'm going to print this and post it somewhere visible at home!

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

thank you Elena! I am very glad to be useful as well as funny!

SiddSingh profile image

SiddSingh 7 years ago

Hi Tom,

Have you ever tried one of these yourself?

C. C. Riter 7 years ago

I just recalled those bald guys that used to harrass us in all the airports. You remember them? Wish there'd been a repellant for them in those days. You know, the ones with tamborines and wearing sheets? Glad they're gone, or are they?

mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

LOL, well, sometimes they run about nude, although it could be a bit chilly at the moment :)

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Hi SiddSingh,

I live in an condominium so I am free from most door to door solicitation. However, I have used an invented language to escape from street solicitation in the past. I shrugged and said, "Eskabadden farb, noskola Englis." Naturally they left me alone. I would have, too.

CC: I think 911 did away with the Krisna's in airports. I dunno, I just thought they were free entertainment. I kinda miss 'em.

Misty, since I am neither immune to the aging process nor media bias in favor of the young, I am somewhat averse to nudity, personally. However, if somebody else was nude, I would regard that, once again, as free entertainment.

WeddingConsultant profile image

WeddingConsultant 7 years ago from DC Metro Area

haha Tom I love it! My favorite was the "belly belly good" one.

My wife probably got tired of sitting next to me, hearing me repeat all these to her inbetween contagious laughter!

Amanda Severn profile image

Amanda Severn 7 years ago from UK

Hi Tom,

I love your grim reaper suggestion. Generally I'm far too polite to these people, and it takes me ages to get rid of them.

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Hi Wedding and Amanda,

I'm so glad you enjoyed. I think I am going to start keeping a devil mask and a few pair of joke handcuffs by the door. The grim reaper costume might be a little too much trouble, though.

Bruce Elkin profile image

Bruce Elkin 7 years ago from Victoria, BC Canada

Good one, Tom. I like the devil mask ploy the best. Did you ever seen the Seinfeld episode where a fan of the New Jersey Devil's hockey team had painted his face to look like a devil and then got hit by a car driven by a Latin American priest? Went up on the hood so his face was right on the windshield in front of the priest. Poor Father had a breakdown.

All pretend, on TV, of course.

My neighbour is a plumber with a Catholic choir boy background, and he invites a particular kind of religious rep into his home for long discussions. They keep coming back and coming back, and my friend says he's serving others by wasting these guys time.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Thank you, Bruce! I like your friend's thinking. It is fun to engage the brainwashed in theological discussion, but time consuming.

countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

Tom- I had a similar experience when on a weekend when I want laze around and sleep a little longer these folks came. Since it was there second visit I couldn't say NO. But later out of desperation I wrote this hub(sorry if it is inappropriately promotional of me):

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

By all means, self promote, Country. Personally, I can't wait to read it!

ajcor profile image

ajcor 7 years ago from NSW. Australia

Loved this hub  Tom - Have been caught a few times but this is what I learned to do on sidewalks etc.

Some time back when I was working in the city I used to go out into the crowded plaza at lunchtime and as luck would have it i was usually accosted by a Hari Krishna chap, of the long flowing robes and bald head type - well one day i relented and listened for a while and then he handed me a book to read - ok thinking maybe I would take a look and see what it was about I took it from him - but then he asked me to pay for it - I said thought it was a free book - which it obviously wasn' I gave it back..Next day with friends - same situation - he sees me and comes towards us ....I then said very brightly to my friends "here's the chap who sells free books" - so after that whenever he saw me it was he who did the dodging so that the free book comment wouldn't be freely heard by other would be buyers on the street!....still laugh at that one....cheers

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Thank you, Ajcor. One wonders what part of Krisna is 'bait and switch', eh?

jxb7076 profile image

jxb7076 7 years ago from United States of America

You realize you're going to hell - right? Look me up when you get there. I'll show you around! lol :-)

Nice hub, thanks for sharing.

EspianScrolls profile image

EspianScrolls 7 years ago

Great Hub. I have to agree. Those who be knocking are in for a awakening.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Hell? Satan's already offered me a job when I get there. Thank you, Jxb.

Thank you, Espian!

countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

Tom- That's cool then. Looking forward to your visit :-)

roddma 7 years ago

'Your just in time for your tarot reading'....or 'Im getting a vision'...'Madamm so and so is ready to read youru fortune come this way' lol and I was raised in church

roddma 7 years ago

like the grim reaper and orgy idea fortunately we never have much trouble here You never know who comes to your door now.

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Roddma, those are great! How about, "Excellent, my financial planning seminar is just starting" or "Yes, come in and we'll discuss your life insurance needs."

When I had my locksmith shop I used to have this guy come in who said he wss a minister, and he was actually selling stuff. Who knows where he got it. Cheap flashlights and this and giant calculators and stuff. He was difficult to turn down because he was so funny and entertaining. Actually I bought a couple calculators from him. Oh, well.

Jess 6 years ago

here's a thing i do, make them THINK about what they are doing and what makes (logical) sense, i ask them how about it if i was to come to the kingdom hall or the church abd barge in during a session and started talking about door repair?? (best to have a prop, the old traditional style closers do well for that one)

if no traditionals and you have some old norton 7700/7500 or LCN 4040/4010 laying around, point the cylinder end in their direction (as if its an old style security or video camera) make them think they are on camera........they leave sooner or later when you telling them your documenting how often they visit..

4/5 years i have been not knocked on by a door to door religion because of the door hardware, when one lady asked about why the old closer, i said "well the first closer was installed on a church (LCN closers the history section shows that one) by a catholic." they left me alone and didnt even bother to come by again

and im located in an area that they are so pushy, they will even solicit car body shops and even EMPTY COMMERCIAL thats funny as heck to watch because the body shop guys are loud, reminds me of Paul Jr and Pauly Sr on the show American chopper (motorcycle build show)


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States Author

You know, I have never thought about how useful door closers are besides how great they are for, well, closing a door! Thanks, Jess!

Jess 6 years ago

well who says a door closer MUST be used for its intended purpose............ lots of things out there a closer can do, I personally took a Norton 1604 to school with me in 12th grade for the last 6 weeks of the school year in 2002.

it's purpose then, was to use as an adaptive writing device (I have a disorder relating to autism, my handwriting is really bad, and the door closer designed for storefront doors was only thing I could find at the time that was:

1. not requiring a battery or a wall outlet

2. preserved the posture to hold a pencil during use

3. didn't require the need for a printer/computer (that may be low on ink and need the brainless computer person to install a new ink cartridge)

4. how can I cheat on a math or any subject area test with a closer??

5. didn't pay a dime to own the closer (my dad's friend gave it to me)

so yea, door closers were designed for doors, but who says they HAVE to be for shutting the door??

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States Author

Very true, as you have proven, Jess :)

Larry Fields profile image

Larry Fields 5 years ago from Northern California


I'm always looking for great religion-reps-conversation-stoppers. :-) Thanks.

Here's one I tried recently on a sidewalk proselytizer:

May the blessings of the eternal Buddha smile on your birthday cake. He shut up and smiled.

Since shameless self-promotion is apparently on the table, here's a recent hub of mine.



Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States Author

Ya, you know I never see any Buddhist monks at my door. Go figure.

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