gwendymoms guide to redneck landscaping
I got up this morning, had a look at what the Hub-Mob topic for the week and sighed. Oh crap! Why? What the heck am I going to write about houseplants, lawns and landscaping? I do not have a green thumb, I have a black thumb. I kill every plant that I come into contact with. I have been banned at garden centers within the state of Oklahoma. Other states don't know about me yet, but trust me, as soon as they find out I will be banned there too. So I have decided that I do have some experience in the redneck landscaping field. Yes, it is a field. Really, a field like a pasture or farm or something like that. OK so here is how to get that redneck yard.
1. Put in fake flowers. They don't need watering. Besides who is going to know that they are fake when they are driving by. If they happen to come into your yard and to your door they are going to know that you are a redneck soon enough anyway.
2. Put a sofa on your front porch. An old tattered and torn sofa works best and if you have plaid one that's even better, you have hit the redneck motherload.
3. Put your pick-up on blocks in your front yard. You know you got one. Bring it out from the back yard and display it proudly in the front. Besides it will give you a nice leaning surface when talking hunting and drinking beer with your buddies.
4. Make an attractive sculpture with old tires and rims. This should pacify your neighbors by making them think you are one of them artsy farsty people and they will hold off on calling your home owners association for a week or two.
5. Decorate your home with Christmas lights and never take them down. You worked hard to get them up, so keep them there and use them year round. Show off how handy you really are.
6. Hang a toilet seat on your front door like a wreath. You can even write "Welcome" on it. Not only is it a lovely gesture to your guests it also lets them know that you have indoor plumbing.
7. Be sure to place all broken down appliances on your lawn or porch. It will show people that you can afford appliances and do not have to scrub your laundry on a washboard down by the river. Teach them snooty neighbors about yourself.
8. Fill your yard with plastic deer. Make sure that you place "No Hunting" signs throughout your yard. You don't want your friends and neighbors shooting up the place.
9. Get yourself some goats. Goats will enable you to be able to spend more time watching Nascar as then you won't have to mow your lawn, they will do it for you.
and finally the most important tip.....
10.Put a toilet in the yard and plant flowers in it or put the fake ones in it. It's your call. You can get away with either one of these because your friends will water and fertilize the real ones for you, all that beer has to come out eventually.
I hope you enjoy this hub as much I enjoyed writing it.
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