How to Tell if Your Boyfriend is a Zombie
I met him on my trip to Goa and we instantly hit it off. He was tall and rugged. The kind who could make my toes curl.
It was great and exciting. Well at least for the first few months. Lazy afternoons spent together, spontaneous breakfast dates sharing hot bun-maska, going out to the movies, wine sipped, kisses exchanged; that was our daily routine. I had the love monkey on my back.
Our time together was so intense that a few months down the line I moved in with him. That’s when I realized something wasn’t quiet right. I’m not talking minor, often over-fussed relationship problems. I’m talking two days in and I knew my boyfriend was the living dead.
It wouldn’t be long before he feasted on my flesh and brains. I should have known something was up when he started going rotten, that gunk between his teeth, that smell, it could have put a dead rat to shame. Odd! Odd! Could he have hidden this foul odor behind cheap perfume all this while.
At first I thought I was over reacting. But the situation was too horrifyingly real. One monsoon night there was a downpour and intense lightning. I was too pooped and had passed out in bed. Moments later, a flash of lightning reveals this figure in the corner of the room.
It was him, my rugged handsome live in boyfriend. Now ashen, the color wiped from his eyes. They were pale. Pale dead. He shuffled his feet towards me and tried to get on top. I yelped.
I had taken to the couch on many occasions after some pretty intense fights. He was known to jump me in the middle of the night for some make up sex.
He always said I tasted sweet and that he wanted to get into my brains. But this time it was literal. His jagged teeth were trying to tear a good chunk off me. But I managed to save my grey matter along with the rest of me and ran away from there just in the nick of time.
Since I don’t want anyone to suffer the fate I did, here are some tips on how to tell if your boyfriend is a Zombie. This may just save you from being eaten alive.
He might be a Zombie if…
Number One: You come back from work expecting some TLC, but all you find is this lump of rotting flesh sitting in front of the tele staring away at some lousy cricket match.
Number Two: The room stinks up every time he ambles in. It’s not the kind of smell that comes from his lack of hygiene or unwashed laundry. A man formerly doted on for his pheromone now smells of rotten carcass. That’s something you can never ignore.
Number Three: All attempts to engage in normal conversation only lead to guttural responses. Even familiar sounds during throngs of passion start sounding more like the groans of a dead man. This is a big one.
Number Four: All your friends cut contact with you because they simply want to avoid being eaten alive. All their pervious attempts to warn you have failed, since you’ve been gaga about Mr. Rugged Zombie.
Number Five: Your relationship suffers from a complete loss of interest in all things fun that you used to do together. The man you once knew now just sits around and stares at you with vacant eyes.
These are some pretty strong clues. Don’t ignore early signs. If you see them get out of there. Run as fast as you can. If your boyfriend’s already turned into a dead walker, it should be pretty easy to out run him. Get out of there and never return. Trust me it’s a lot better than having to shoot him in the head.
In the likely yet unfortunate event that you are already in a relationship with a Zombie, the following may help.
Ways to Kill Your Zombie Boyfriend:
Number One: Get him in the head. Shoot him in the head or smash the top off with a cricket bat. Any weapon of your choice will do. But make sure you aim for the head and don’t miss. This is the best and most effective way to get rid of the stinking ghoul. Admitted, this seems quiet drastic a method but sometimes life leaves you with very little choice.
Beware mere decapitation can backfire. Some real nasty ones are know to come after you even after they’ve been cut off. However, this is a pretty sure shot method. Once you’ve got his brain obliterated you should be okay. So get him good.
Number Two: Starvation. Pack your bags. Go spend a night at your mother’s or your girlfriend’s. Starve him of his source of nourishment. Starving him of sex helps too.
Number Three: Make him watch chick flicks.
Number Four: Anti dotes. Though unknown and unpopular in most traditions, antidotes can be of great help in dealing with Zombie boyfriends. In certain cultures, recipes and incantation (often taught to teen grils by their grandmother) can get rid of a decaying disease and might work as an antidote on him. Use it! Many a times grandma’s know best.
Finally, if you are too attached to the bloody dead walker I recommend you get “The boyfriend Zombie Survival Guide” when I write one.
It will have some handy tips and may help you to continue co-exist in the relationship if you so choose. However, co-existing is not recommended and kindly do so with the full awareness that you are in “a dead relationship.”
Rehabilitation for the suckers seems unlikely, so please don’t have your hopes up. Once he’s turned there’s no looking back. Let’s not be faint hearted about this stuff. One slip and you might just get a good chunk of yourself bit off.
My Next Hubs:
If you have more tips on how to identify a Zombie or how to kill one, please leave a comment.
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