How to Tell if Your Boyfriend is an Alien
He would make me moan and squeal sounds that I thought I was never capable of.
This was some other stuff. Stuff so otherworldly that I had never experienced before. He knew all the right things to say and the right moves to make and all the right places to touch. It was almost as if he had studied the female species like no other human.
He was testing my humanly boundaries of pleasure to see how far I could go. Frankly, I went far, far away; almost into another galaxy.
Well, at least at first.
It’s only fair to say that at first our sex life was on another planet. But now, it’s all come crashing down to Earth. At first I tried rationalizing it saying most good things don’t last but then I realized that wasn’t the case here. I’ve come to suspect that my boyfriend is not who he claims to be.
Do you ever get the feeling that the man sleeping next to you has become a sudden stranger? That’s exactly how I feel right now. I suspect my boyfriend is an alien. Not the illegal kind but one with an “extra terrestrial” connect.
May be I’m being paranoid. It’s a tendency with us women: when things are going smooth we miss the upheaval, the chaos, and tend to find faults with what’s perfectly normal. But all said and done, there’s been some pretty hard to ignore “signs.”
Like the other day, I suggested that we watch the movie Signs. There’s nothing abnormal about watching an M. Night Shamayalan movie (well, at least once in a while, right?). I proposed it of course. Considering that my boyfriend’s fascination with sci-fi movies goes beyond the normal, I thought he would welcome the suggestion of watching it agan. But instead, he blew up. He took great personal offense to the portrayal of the alien race in that movie. “Why would aliens who are afraid of water come to a planet that’s 70% water?” He said it with such conviction that I was taken aback. This was surely a sign that something was off (but then again this one is apparent to most intelligent humans too). Well, now he loves playing it over and over again to point out the flaws in Signs.
So I told myself may be that’s not enough evidence to jump to such an outlandish conclusion: that my boyfriend is an alien from outer space. It was an attempt to pacify myself, but that didn’t work. Something in my gut told me… “The truth is out there” and there was only one thing left for me to do, dig it out!
I set up a bunch of hidden cameras in our apartment and started gathering evidence.There has been some obvious signs that confirm that I indeed cohabitate with an alien.
Here’s what I found, this might just help you figure if your boyfriend has the ET factor. The fact is that they are amongst us and many have made contact and penetrated the human race. So beware, before you know it you might be in a relationship of the third kind.
Here are the telling signs:
At times, he is incoherent. Couples often talk nonsense when they bicker. Many a times their speech seems alien, like a foreign dialect being tossed around. It doesn’t matter who provoked whom but something innocuous could lead to allegations thrown about, the past unearthed, and soon all that’s heard is gibberish. But when that gibberish sounds like no language you’ve ever heard before or you can’t comprehend what he’s saying, that’s an alarm bell.
Not just that, his voice often reaches a frequency that messes with your brain function. If this is a frequent feature with your boyfriend, beware you might have an alien on your hands.
He gets home sick a lot. When I say a lot, I mean all the time. I’m all for a man who loves his family, but the day he moved in with me I though our apartment would be home. There are nights where I’ve found him staring deep into space, looking up at the stars for hours. It’s as if he’s trying to find something. At first I thought this was a dreamy and enviable quality that I was lucky to find in my man. Now I know the he’s probably searching for his home planet.
He’s touchy about his cell phone. In the sense that he wants no one to ever touch it. He cares for it as if is a communication device from another planet. Once we were goofing around, I happened to snatch his phone and take it to the bathroom pretending to read his messages. Okay, even with a boyfriend who was Earth bound this would probably invoke some rage but this one just went berserk. He was on the verge of dislodging the bathroom door. Well I did cheat and check his cell phone out and what I found was itsy bitsy freaky. All his calls said ‘home.’ Now he lets me nowhere near it. He’s worried I might see his many calls ‘home.’ The cell phone’s now locked, bolted and password protected that even a spy couldn’t crack.
He colonizes your space. Now if he’s moved in with you, taken the next big step, and you are gloating with joy, don’t! Because he’s done this with an ulterior motive. Colonization is all that’s he has on his mind. If it’s not an entire planet then it’s your room. Watch out! He’ll slowly colonize the entire bed. Soon you’ll open the wardrobe to find his color coordinated shirts and pajamas. He’s taken over your space. Eaten into it!
Unsure of what his real intentions are? They could range from gradual mind control to anything up to enslaved labor. At one point, not only did my boyfriend take over my entire room but I remember I was running errands for him through the day. Every spare minute went in either picking up his dry cleaning or getting him cup cakes from his favorite patisserie.
He’s gifted. If he’s an alien he’s bound to have some gifts. So if you’ve found broken things mended all of a sudden better be alarmed. While this skill can probably come in handy, it’s still pretty creepy. So when he’s testing you, you can do a little testing of your own. Try to find out what other gifts he has. That’s a sure shot way of confirming your suspicion. I walked in on my boyfriend playing the violin with his legs one day. He said it was just one of his many talents. No really!
So if you see the signs, and suspect that your boyfriend is an alien, get ready to load up the mother-ship and send him back packing to his ‘home’ planet. Make sure you try a certain brain washing exercise once you get rid of him. Wipe out all memory of the time spent with your alien specimen. It’ll give you a better chance at striking a relationship with a species of your kind.
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