TK421 Imperial Ezine - Issue 11
|-o-| RAMBLINGS OF A SITH LORD
|-o-| MORE HUMOR
|-o-| EVEN MORE HUMOR
|-o-| IMPERIAL MEMO
|-o-| LOTS MORE HUMOR
|-o-| OVER AND OUT
|-o-| THE COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER FINE PRINT
Greetings loyal Imperial subject! Despite the continued oppression by the guerrilla upsurgents known as the New Rebellion, we persevere to bring you all the information you need...welcome to another edition of TK421!
A WORD FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF DARKSIDEThere has been a few changes around TK421. Some very good changes.There's been additions to the Editorial Staff.So much so that I DarkSide can step back a bit and allow the very talented team to take control of the bridge.Any feedback or TK421 correspondence can go straight to the new editor: Mike Gendreau at ardilla(a)hotmail.comHe pretty much slapped together this entire issue though I'll be adding a little bit here and there just to allow us to ease into the changeover.Mike is credited as EDITOR. Which really means: EDITOR-IN-CONTROL.I have had a promotion of sorts to EDITOR-IN-CHIEF. Which really means: PUPPET-MASTER.You can see the fruits of Mike's labor in the next column. A hilarious send up of SURVIVOR:
The camera pans in on a swampy area. A durasteel platform is set up.
Seated on the platform are the HOST and CO-HOST.
HOST: Good evening and welcome to BHGSN's Survivor! Over the next fifteen weeks, we are going to follow the exploits of sixteen...[a laser bolt is heard off-camera followed by a startled yelp and the HOST looks to the left]...okay, make that fifteen bounty hunters stranded here on Dagobah.
Each week, one bounty hunter will be voted off the planet...[The CO-HOST jumps up and rushes offstage.]
CO-HOST [offstage]: No disintegrations! Tell them Lord Vader said no
disintegrations! [More laser fire is heard, followed by a scream.] Darn it all!
HOST: Sorry about that, some technical difficulties. As I was saying, fourteen of the galaxy's most ferocious bounty hunters will vie for a million-credit purse. Will it be Boba Fett? Or perhaps IG-88? Or even the venerable Aurra Sing lured out of retirement just for this...[An explosion is heard as the platform shakes slightly. The HOST looks over and grimaces.] Or maybe it won't be Aurra Sing. Anyways, the thirteen bounty hunters will be forced to hunt for their own food, build their own shelter and cooperate to survive the desolate conditions here on Dagobah.
CO-HOST [returning to her seat]: That's right. Things here on Dagobah are primitive. But not to worry, a special shipment of womp-rats were imported to the planet to ensure that there would be a food supply. [A terrified and agonized scream is heard just off-screen.] Sithspawn! Bossk is eating one of the cameramen. Stop that! Oh my sith! [The CO-HOST rushes off-screen and vomits.]
HOST [visibly shaken]: We'll be back after these messages.
[two minute commercial break]
[The camera pans over the platform. It is in flames. Bodies are strewn everywhere. The jungle is quiet. A lone figure, a short wizened green creature using a stick as a cane, pokes at the body of DENGAR.]
YODA: Hmmhmm, million credits to collect? Winner is Yoda.
STUDIO HOST: Well, thank you for tuning in. Join us next time on the Bounty Hunter Game Show Network for The Bounty is Right! For everybody here at BHGSN, have a great night!
©2000 Mike Gendreau
TOP TEN THINGS IMPERIALS SHOULD NEVER DO10. Disagree with the Emperor.9. Disagree with Darth Vader.8. Underestimate the power of the Force in Vader's presence.7. Get promoted so that you're in charge of Lord Vader's Flagship.6. Get promoted to any job where you will be responsible for any problems.5. Believe that your cheesy white stormtrooper armor actually works.4. Be on a Death Star when Rebels attack.3. Ignore those little furry things running around outside the shield generator.2. Underestimate the rebel's chances.1. Be the Imperial diplomat stationed on Alderaan.©2000 Mara Jade
Ramblings Of A Sith Lord
Welcome to the Ramblings of a Sith Lord! In this column, we will explore the myths that have been propagated by the Rebel sympathizing film director known as George Lucas. You have certainly seen his propaganda film pieces by now, but I am here to set the record straight.
According to Mr. Lucas, in his somewhat successful film, A New Hope, there was a desert battle between what he referred to as stormtroopers (we prefer to call them peacekeepers) and the desert scavengers known as jawas. After speaking with several stormtr...er, peacekeepers who were present, we learn the real truth behind the battle. Here is a transcript from one of those meetings:
SL: While on a routine training mission breaking in some dewbacks, your peacekeepers were startled to hear laser fire break out. Investigating, you came across a pitched battle taking place between rebel sympathizing tusken raiders and those filthy jawa scavengers?
Imperial Peacekeeper: Uh, yeah.
SL: And as much as you despise those jawas, you thought here they are
fighting the rebel sympathizing scum known as tusken raiders, so you decided to join in the battle and help the peace-loving jawas. Isn't that correct?
IP: Uhm, yeah, if you say so.
<a loud click followed by a humming noise is heard on the holonet recording
IP: Yessir, I mean. That is exactly what happened.
SL: Good! And after chasing away the foul rebel sympathizers, you proceeded to relocate the surviving jawas. Right?
<the humming changes pitch slightly>
IP: Oh, right. Yes, we brought them to, uh, <some hushed whispering that cannot be made out> to Toshii Station.
SL: Very good!
[end of holonet recording]
So as you can see, Mr. Lucas tried to blame the attack on our peace loving stormtr...er, our peacekeepers, when in actuality it was a tusken raider attack thwarted by our brave and fearless peacekeepers. Join us next time when we investigate the truth behind those cannibalistic jungle barbarians known as ewoks.
This came into my e-mail box a few days ago and while it makes no sense (very few if any Star Wars names actually have 5 letters in the first and five letters in the last name) i figured i would pass it along...Send in your "Star Wars name" and win a free subscription to this e-zine! Best names will be published in the next issue...Mine is Genmi Despr...George Lucas uses a formula to create all the Star Wars names (JarJar Binks, Obi Wan etc.). To see what your Star Wars name is, follow the steps below... Star Wars First Name: #1: Take the first 3 letters of your last name. #2: Add to that, the first 2 Letters of your first name. Star Wars Last Name: #1: Take the first 2 letters of your Mothers maiden name. #2: Add to that the first 3 Letters of the name of the town or city you were born in.Author Unknown
Even More Humor
YOU MIGHT BE A STAR WARS ADDICT IF...
-You save old Star Wars calendars, going back at least 5 years.
-You are disgusted when somebody gets the plot, or the names of main
characters, wrong. When sleepless or bored, you begin playing back the
trilogy in your mind. 100% accurately.
-When someone you don't like enters your house, you point at them and say: "We don't serve their kind here!"
-You refer to the first Star Wars movie as "A New Hope".
-You're waiting at a bus for about an hour and when the bus finally comes you yell: "What's that? A transport! I'm saved! OVER HEEERE!!!! HEY!! HEY!! HEELP!! PLEEASE HELP!!"
-You have your front seat passenger set the coordinates so you can make the jump into hyperspace.
-When accelerating your car to enter the freeway, you tell your passengers to strap in and prepare for light speed.
-Your significant other dumps you because every time she/he says: "I love you!" You always respond: "I know."
-You quote Yoda to defend your political beliefs.
-When discussing military strategy you often refer to the Battle of Yavin.
-You cut off your Dad's hand and tell him that there is still good in him.
-You get really, really pissed whenever someone says: "Yeah, it's an okay movie."
-In your eyes, confusing Star Wars and Star Trek is grounds for immediate execution.
-You have ever forced a girl/boyfriend to discuss Star Wars with you.
-You have ever whined when your girl/boyfriend didn't want to watch the movies.
-You use any Star Wars dialogue in everyday conversation, sometimes in the middle of a conversation for no reason.
-You pound on your car's dashboard every time it begins to stall... ...and it actually works.
-You say 'Close the blast doors!' right before the elevator doors begin to close... ...then say 'Open the blast doors!' when you reach your floor.
-You have so many Star Wars posters you can no longer see the walls of your room.
-You have so many Star Wars Trilogy GIF's, JPG's, MIDI's, AVI's, WAV's, MPG's, icons and text files that you're rapidly running out of disk space and have to buy a bigger hard drive just to hold them all.
-You have so many SW toys you had to move out of your room, and now you're starting over in the spare bedroom.
-You were at first incredibly excited when you saw that Star Wars themed Energizer commercial.
-You were depressed for days afterwards when you found out it was just for batteries.
-You pretend not to notice the guy who says "Send three squads to help!" looks like a monkey.
-Your computer says "Please don't deactivate me" in the voice of Threepio before it shuts down...
-You have searched the phone book for "Fett, Boba" or "Skywalker, Luke."
-You know the difference between a rancor, a wampa, a taun-taun and a
-When leaving a restaurant, you can't resist signing Boba Fett or Darth Vader in the guestbook.
The Empire Needs YOU! TK421 is looking for a few good contributors! Contact the editorial team if you feel you can contribute to our cause!
Yes we're looking for a website reviewer, columnists, and a humorist (or two).
And we also encourage single contributions. If you've got something to say that's Star Wars themed and is either thought provoking or witty (or both) then send it into the (newly armed and operational) editor: ardilla(a)hotmail.com
Lots More Humour
TOP 10 REASONS BOSSK IS THE COOLEST BOUNTY HUNTER10. His action figure kicks butt.9. Two words: live lunch.8. His huntship, The Hound's Tooth, has cool flame decals and fuzzy dice.7. Easier to give someone the middle finger, as he's only got three to begin with.6. He's the only bounty hunter with built-in snakeskin.5. Eyes are bloodshot from constant partying.4. He's nice to his mother.3. He had the chutzpah to threaten an Imperial Admiral on the Emperor's own flagship.2. He skins Wookiees, for Pete's sake!1. He can eat his own weight in Ewoks.©2000 Beedo Sookcool aka Nigel Willis
Over And Out
DARKSIDE says: The Sith Web Lords are busy incorporating an Imperial Park theme into the website. And now that Mike will be collating and editing the ezine I've got time to do an inspection tour. And perhaps torture them for falling behind schedule.
Or maybe they'd enjoy that a little too much. I'm still trying to read between the lines of the two ass shots that Craig emailed to me :)
And if you're new to TK421 you can see the very temporary TK421 site at http://www.geocities.com/imperialemployee, it has two animated banners AND a back issue. And a hit counter. Which I'd like to see move a few notches.
And whether you're new or old to TK421 you can check out http://ardilla.freeshell.org, a site owned by my editorial front line replacement Mike.
MIKE says: Well, thank you for being patient with my editorial debut... I would appreciate any feedback... See something you liked? Let me know... See something you didn't? Too bad =) See you in two weeks...
In The Empires Service
(-o-) Editor: Mike Gendreau ardilla(a)hotmail.com
(-o-) Editor-In-Chief: DarkSide darkside(a)cia-agent.com
(-o-) Associate Editor: Erin JediGrace(a)aol.com
(-o-) Associate Editor: ChrissyJade mg4e(a)yahoo.com
|-o-| Contributor: RebelPilot
|-o-| Contributor: Beedo Sookcool aka Nigel Willis
<-o-> Promotions Officer: SJ Crandall sherryjo(a)hotmail.com
<-o-> Promotions Officer: Nist neo(a)rapid.co.uk
<-o-> Web Master: craig craig(a)bscene.com.au
<-o-> Web Designer: Rebel Rob rbud85(a)hotmail.com
JOIN US by emailing an empty message to email@example.com
TO DEFECT (stop getting this ezine) send an empty message to firstname.lastname@example.org
Copyright Disclaimer: Lucasfilm Ltd owns all rights and trademarks to Star Wars(tm). TK421 is a fan created ezine interested in only parody and news reporting. TK421 is not associated with or controlled by Lucasfilm Ltd or any of it's subsidiaries.
All contents ©2000 Michael Gendreau unless otherwise stated.
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