TK421 Imperial Ezine - Issue 2

Returns

Is TK421 the monthly ezine that comes out fortnightly or the fortnightly ezine that proclaims itself to be monthly?

Whichever we are we're back two weeks after our debut edition.

Why? We've found enough time in our tight schedules to toss together enough material to constitute a full issue. The definition of a 'full issue' is still up in the air but we're thinking about 10 pages.

So here it is. Read. Enjoy. And if you don't there's an un-subscription address listed at the end of this email.

Humor

LUCASFILM LAWYERS

Lucasfilm Ltd has been coming down hard on fans with Star Wars appreciation websites. In fact they're coming down on hard on anyone with a domain name that comes from any of the movies. Some of these sites aren't owned by fans or mention anything about Star Wars. An example being www.tatooine.comm which was recently 'acquired' by Lucasfilm.

So in the interests of doing the right thing by George and his lackeys we're reprinting this subtle piece of humor. Which shouldn't violate any of Mr Lucas's registered trademarks.

COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT

"Commence primary ignition...infringe when ready..."

"The copyright infringement laws are with you, but you're not a Jedi yet."

"Give into the dark side of the Copyright Infringement."

"The copyright infringement is strong in your family."

"You don't know the power of the copyright infringement."

"I can feel the copyright infringement." "But you can't control it."

"The Copyright infringement is strong with this one."

"There is a disturbance in the copyright infringement."

"You must learn the ways of Copyright infringement if you're to come to with me to Alderaan."

"Feel the Copyright Infringement flowing through you."

"He told me enough! He told me YOU killed the fan fic..."

"The copyright infringement binds us together, the rock the tree, even the ship."

"I've got a bad copyright infringement about this."

"You must infringe as you feel is right, of course."

"Copyright infringement is here. Now. On this moon."

"Luke, Make sure you're uncle gets a droid that speaks copyright infringement!"

"Will someone get this walking copyright infringement out of my way?"

"Use the infringement, Luke!"

"I'm endangering the copyright, I shouldn't have come..."

"I want to become a copyright infringer, like my father before me."

"Copyright infringement ain't like dustin' crops, boy."

"I'm Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and copyright infringer to Captain Solo."

"Just like copyright infringement back home."

"Curse my metal copyright infringement, I wasn't fast enough!"

"You're required to maneuver straight down this copyright infringement..."

"Watch that copyright infringement, boys."

"Tell them the copyright infringement will get them."

"That's no moon, it's a copyright infringement!!"

"When 900 years old you reach, infringe as well you will not."

"That place is strong with the copyright infringement, and you must go there."

"Two copyright infringements against a Star Destroyer?"

"I'm full of copyright infringement."

"Then I'll see you in copyright infringement!"

"Kiss my copyright infringement!"

"Infringe, Luke, infringe!"

"If you only knew the power of the dark side of the copyright infringement!"

"And I thought copyright infringement smelled bad on the outside."

"Most impressive, but you are not a copyright infringer yet."

"In my opinion, there's no such thing as copyright infringement."

"Copyright infringement doesn't concern me, Admiral."

"Your copyright and sorcery ways don't scare me, Lord Vader."

"Remember a Jedi can feel the infringement flowing through him..."

"I've never seen everything that made me believe there was one all powerful infringement controlling everything. There's no infringement controls my destiny."

"I like nice copyright infringers." "I'm a nice copyright infringer."

"Slimy? Mud hole? My copyright infringement this is!!"

"This copyright infringement is never going to make through that blockade!"

"Your copyright infringement powers won't work on me, boy!"

"They've shut down the main reactor! We'll be infringed for sure!"

"Judge me by my size do you? And well you should not. For copyright infringement is my ally."

"They're moving into infringement formation...Shields up!"

"Into the garbage chute, copyright infringer."

"Yub, yub, echok 'fringement..."

"No copyrights! No copyrights!" (Flips coin) "Sorry about the mess."

"SHUT DOWN ALL INFRINGERS ON THE DETENTION LEVEL."

"I find your lack of infringement disturbing"

"Shut down all the websites on the infringement level! Do you copy? Shut down all the websites on the infringement level."

"You're the copyright infringer. You tell me."

"I was known as the Emperor's Copyright Attorney. I traveled throughout the galaxy in his name, spying on and assassinating writers of fan fiction."

"This is copyright infringement, and in copyright infringement, you can do just about anything the other side can't stop you from doing."

"The exhaust port is ray shielded, so you'll have to use copyright infringement."

"Now he is the Emperor's Copyright Attorney, twisted and evil"

".... he betrayed and murdered the web sites."

"I'm Luke Skywalker and I'm here to infringe copy."

"I am fluent in more than 6 million forms of copyright."

"I infringed them, I infringed them!" "Great kid, don't get cocky."

"To be a copyright attorney takes the most serious mind, the deepest commitment."

"Adventure, excitement, a copyright attorney craves not these things."

"His High Exaltedness, the Copyright Attorney, hopes that you will die honorably."

"C3PO, you tell that slimy piece of copyright ridden filth that he'll get no such pleasure from us! Right?"

"Copyright Attorney, this is your last chance. Free us or die..."

Many copyright infringers died to bring us this information.

How about this one?: But you don't know the power of the copyright infringer.

Or ala the evil emperor: So be it, copyright infringer! (sorry...but then we get hit with the blue lightning...)

"I dunno, Infringe Casual."

"I dunno, fly infringement."

.. and ...

"May the Copyright Infringement be with you...always."

Author Unknown. And we apologize for infringing on their copyright

World Domination

UPDATE

TK421 as seen at http://www.geocities.com/starwarsezine

Our first listing at a website. If you've got a website grab our banner and text and link it to tk421-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

And then let us know. We'll add you to our World Domination update.

More Humor

SIGNS YOU CAN TELL THAT STAR WARS: EPISODE II, IS MADE IN AUSTRALIA

1. All the actors have sun tans.

2. R2D2 gets fitted with a bottle opener attachment.

3. Two words: flying surfboards!

4. Amidala and Anakin's offspring aren't separated at birth and hidden from the Emperor as we've been led to believe. They get taken by a dingo.

5. Senator Palpatine becomes Emperor with a two thirds majority in the Australian Federal Parliament.

6. Amidala, Queen of the Desert.

7. George Lucas shoots enough footage at the Sydney Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras to fill his alien/freak quota for Episode's II and III.

©2000 Jorge Lukas. A TK421 reader from Australia

Top Ten

Are you a Trek Fan? Then 'move along, move along'.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN STAR TREK

10: Two words: John Williams.

9: The guns used in Star Wars are real English Sterling machine guns and German Mausers... not dustbusters!

8: Ten Forward doesn't have a cool Bith band! (Heck--they couldn't even get Max Rebo to play there!)

7: Grand Admiral Thrawn could have defeated the Borg at Wolf 359!

6: Star Trek's bald captain--covered in cybernetics--was only the spokesmind for the Borg. Lando's bald right-hand man, with just a cool walkman on his head, had the entirety of Cloud City at his every command.

5: "Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith" sounds cooler than "Captain Jean-Luc Picard."

4: Imperial and rebel uniforms actually have POCKETS!

3: The Federation has ships named Voyager, Reliant, and Enterprise...the Empire has ships named Devastator, Avenger, and

Executor!

2: Star Trek robots can not use contractions and have trouble with emotions. Star Wars robots can speak over 6 million forms of communication fluently and whistle to themselves just because they're in the mood too.

1. Captain Picard only cried like a baby in a vineyard after becoming evil and then returning to the forces of Good. Anakin Skywalker kicked the Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy's ass!

Author Unknown

Even More Humor

IMMEDIATE EMPLOYMENT

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn.

Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons.

Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them to jobs@darkside.com.

Dark Side CG™ is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies.

Dark Side CG™ is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.

©1999 Marty

Parody

Episode II Script

STARWARS: EPISODE II - THE WAY OF THE JEDI.

By George Lucas

INT. SECRET CLONING LABORATORY

DARTH SIDIOUS sits at the head of a large rectangular table in the center of a massive cloning complex. Seated at the table with him is GRAND MOFF TARKIN and several older human male SCIENTISTS. In the back ground are several TECHNICIANS and DROIDS stationed at various computer consoles.

TARKIN

Soon this Complex will be fully operational. When we begin mass producing our Clone warriors, no army in the Galaxy will dare challenge us!

SIDIOUS

Good. Now what is the current status of project: Re-Birth.

TARKIN

We were very successfully with the sample we were able to retrieve from Naboo. The Clone is now ready to be field tested.

SIDIOUS

Excellent! Summon him before me at once.

TARKIN presses a button on the arm of his chair, activating a com-system.

TARKIN

Lord Sidious wishes to inspect the Clone. Send him in.

VOICE (O.S.)

Yes Sir!

A few moments latter a figure enters through the main entrance way, casting a long shadow across the Clone Complex's main floor. The shadow is dressed in a robe and has small points sticking out from it's head. Darth Sidious looks at the figure stone-faced, a few of the SCIENTISTS gasp.

TARKIN

He is an exacted double of the original.......one eighth his size.

WE LOOK STRAIGHT ON TO THE ENTRANCE WAY. THEN WE QUICKLY PAN DOWN,

REVEALING:

A Two Foot Tall DARTH MAUL!

DARTH SIDIOUS twists his hand around, extends his pinkie finger, and places it at the corner off his mouth.

SIDIOUS

I shall call him....Mini Maul.

Author Unknown

More Top Ten

IT AIN'T EASY BEING AN IMP

Before you decide to join the Empire you should consider these points raised in the SW trilogy.

Reasons Not To Join The Imperials

|-o-| Our best troops were defeated by rock and stick wielding teddy bears.

|-o-| Stormtroopers must give an order twice in order for someone to do it. ("Move along, move along", "Open the blast doors, open the blast doors!")

|-o-| We have a dianoga (a creature you wouldn't wanna run into) in our garbage disposal.

|-o-| We have several spots were there are bottomless pits in the Death Star and there's not even a "watch your step" sign.

|-o-| On the Death Star, there are two officers standing feet away from a beam that can vaporize a planet.

|-o-| Stormtroopers' armor offer no protection whatsoever (Arrows went through it on Endor. Not your fancy type. Ones made out of tree limbs and stones.)

|-o-| Our security was breached by a farm-boy, smuggler, princess, and a "walking carpet".

|-o-| Our moon-size battle station was destroyed by one rebel X-Wing.

|-o-| TIE Fighters have no shields.

|-o-| The Death Star had no shield, even though a rebel base was only minutes away.

|-o-| The Rebels had the Force.

|-o-| We have a nice, convenient trench leading to a nice, convenient thermal exhaust port leading to the "main reactor" which would conveniently blow up the place.

Author Unknown

Being an Imperial does have an up side. We might look into that in the next issue.

Website Review

BUILD YOUR OWN BOBA FETT COSTUME

Fancy being a freelancer in the rough and tumble trade of bounty hunting?

Yeah?

Well you'll need some armor. And there's no better armor than the Mandalorian stuff that the Fettster gets around in.

This site has got it all. Down to the smallest detail. We're talking about tips to make the gun look like the real thing. And by all accounts it is the real thing. A real gun that is. The tips are to make it look more like the battle worn sawn off Fett model.

And what about boots, gloves, jumpsuit, accessories? It's all here.

But I think the helmet is a Don Post edition. So that's gonna cost some.

http://www.geocities.com/~byobf

Have a browse and drop the owner an email. Tell him TK421 sent you.

Positions Vacant

WEBMASTER

'TK421- The Ezine' is looking for a webmaster.

Someone who can put together a homepage to an acceptable standard.

We've got the webspace (http://www.geocities.com/imperialemployee), just waiting on the competent html programmer.

Send your application and url's of your existing work to tk421(a)the-galaxy.net

PROMOTIONS OFFICER

'TK421- The Ezine' is still looking for a Promotions Officer.

Someone who can liaison with established popular Star Wars fan sites to get coverage, mentions, plugs and placement in links for 'TK421- the ezine' (and vice versa).

Send your application to tk421(a)the-galaxy.net

Over And Out

Will we be back in a fortnight or a month?

That depends on how much we can write, have submitted or otherwise infringe.

And as Moff Jerjerrod once said: "We shall double our efforts". The same goes for TK421. Next issue should be twice as good.

Yours In The Emperor's Service

[TK421 |-o-| tk421(a)the-galaxy.net]

[DarkSide =======[o][][o]======= darkside(a)cia-agent.com]

[this place awaiting successful applicant for 'promotions officer']

[this place awaiting successful applicant for 'web designer']

Join us by emailing an empty message to tk421-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Rebel scum and other lowlifes can send an empty message to tk421-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

Copyright Disclaimer: Lucasfilm Ltd owns all rights and trademarks to Star Wars™. TK421 is a fan created ezine interested in only parody and news reporting. TK421 is not associated with or controlled by Lucasfilm Ltd or any of it's subsidiaries.

All contents ©2000 TK421 unless otherwise stated.

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