TK421 Imperial Ezine - Issue 4
|-o-| World Domination
|-o-| A Little Bit More World Domination
|-o-| Website Review
|-o-| More Humor
|-o-| Positions Vacant
|-o-| Over And Out
"...your zine is purdy kewl... if you were literate that is..."Thankfully there was no negative feedback.
TOP 10 UNSEEN GADGETS IN BOBA FETT'S ARSENAL10. Secret decoder ring from a box of "Corellian Crunch" cereal9. Business card carrying-case8. Water pistol for "prank" kills7. Laser wristband also houses can opener, toothpick, corkscrew, and saw6. Video arcade to lighten the mood in Slave I5. Rocket pack has a concealed espresso machine4. Beeper3. (Insert your own codpiece joke here)2. Receipt for his shoes from L. L. Bean.1. Missile-firing rocket pack. MISSILE-FIRING ROCKET PACK! MISSILE-FIRING ROCKET PACK!!©2000 Beedo Sookcool aka Nigel Willis
PART ONEThanks to the editor of a (rival) ezine publication we've had an 'ad swap' put in his jokes mailing list.The list is called CrackAttack and it specializes in list humor. It comes with a warning much like the one you're about to see in the next paragraph (it too has Adult Language).You can subscribe by sending an empty email to email@example.com
PART DEUXA TK421 Team has been put together consisting of a couple of web page designers and Promotional Officers.The TK421 website will be up soon. The TK Team will be thrashing out ideas for a basic site and then the senate floor is open to all the readers to throw in their 'zero-point-zero-two' imperial credits worth.Stay tuned for details. You can contact the OTHER guys if you've got any questions. They all seem to have their helmets screwed on better than the editorship of this irreverent little e-zine.
Seeing as we didn't have to apologize for anything in the last issue (although the line about super models with eating disorders was a gamble) we thought we'd toss in something a little controversial and throw in this script parody.Warning: Adult Language.We have made no attempts to edit or censor the contents. There's a few instances of adult language here and there but to remove them would take off it's irreverent edge.So scroll down for a few pages if you're likely to be offended. Otherwise read on. And laugh.STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT By Rod Hilton FADE IN: INT. SPACESHIP LIAM NEESONIt is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation. EWAN MCGREGORI agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film. INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK EVIL ALIENWerr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid. INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI A droid enters. LIAM NEESONI sense a disturbance in the force. EWAN MCGREGORWell, shit. Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the Force to destroy the CGI. They run outside. EXT. NABOO They run until they smack into some more CGI. JAR JARWho might you be? LIAM NEESON(staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him)I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland. JAR JARI see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I have come. Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling well enough. JAR JAR (cont'd)Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, okeyday? EWAN MCGREGOR(staring at something right above Jar Jar)Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to attend to. JAR JARWeesa can smokesa some ganja, mon. AUDIENCEDie. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you. INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy. NATALIE PORTMANI am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble. EVIL ALIENI'm so sorry, Amidala. NATALIE PORTMANNo, no, I'm Padme now. EVIL ALIENI thought when in the makeup, you were the queen. NATALIE PORTMANNo, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don't help you figure this out. EVIL ALIENStop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone! LIAM and EWAN and JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine. INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE JAKE LLOYDHi there! Golly I'm cute. NATALIE PORTMANYou certainly are, little boy. JAKE LLOYDAm I the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone you in episode two? LIAM NEESONJake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you. JAKE'S MOMNo, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt. (pause) Okay, I will. Nevermind. Good luck. They pod race. It looks really COOL. GEORGE LUCAS(attempting subtlety)Oh! Look! There's a video game of this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that could be turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do it even more in Episode 2.JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO.AUDIENCEHe built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?GEORGE LUCASBecause I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass?They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCILLIAM NEESONI want to train this boy.YODANope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries are.LIAM NEESONWell, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training him.SAMUEL L. JACKSONYoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass? I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.LIAM NEESONI'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there.He exits.INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETINGIAN MCDIARMIDDamn I'm evil.Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER-CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.EXT. NABOONATALIE PORTMANI am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy.BOSS NASSOne guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this whole thing kinda pointless?NATALIE PORTMANNo more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures.They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL. Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don't care. Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die. Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space-battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit.INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film. AUDIENCEWhoa! This is really cool!Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one.DARTH MAUL(menacing as hell)Grrr. Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear life. EWAN MCGREGORWell, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass. DARTH MAULMuahahahaha. Slowly, EWAN uses the Force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies. EXT. SPACE JAKE LLOYDWhoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm so cute. JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT. JAKE LLOYD (cont'd)Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo! They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident. EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues. AUDIENCEWow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really significant! Hooray! Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created. GEORGE LUCASThree years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys! END©1999 George Lucas and Rod Hilton
THE DARK REDEMPTIONSome Words About THE DARK REDEMPTIONThe Dark Redemption is a 26 minute short feature film based on the Star Wars universe created by George Lucas. Set 2 days before Star Wars IV - A New Hope, the film is designed to delight the hard core fans and also to appeal to the major audience who just love Star Wars for the great adventure it holds. Original Star Wars cast member - Australian actor, Peter Sumner - joined the ensemble cast reprising his role as Imperial Officer Lt. Pol Triedum. Likewise stunt coordinator Grant Page joined the team recreating stunts similar to what he achieved in MAD MAX Beyond Thunderdome (no easy task considering all actors in, The Dark Redemption, do their own stunts!).Directed by Peter MetherExecutive produced by Warren DuxburyWe've contacted Monsieur Warren Duxbury and hope to have an impromptu little chat with him via email soon.Download TDR at: www.theforce.net/tdr
Thanks to Clay Parjuk, JesseFire aka WARL and SWBountyHunter for their suggestions on what Star Wars novels to read.Unfortunately none of them suggested the SAME book but I guess that means there's a lot of good ones to choose from.
We have the pleasure to reprint an interview with one of Star Wars' accomplished writers of both novels and comic books.Fellow eZine Editor of the illustrious RebelPilot has given permission to reuse his interview with the Lucasfilm Licensed Luminary.We could have interviewed him but HEY, we haven't even read his books. Though we plead guilty to owning a few of his comic books.MICHAEL A. STACKPOLE INTERVIEWRebelPilot: Your full name?Michael: Michael A. StackpoleRebelPilot: What jobs have you done other than being a writer?Michael: Camp Counselor, pot and pan washer, game designer, editor, store clerk and manager, medical history indexer. Can't think of any others.RebelPilot: When did you start writing? How old were you when you had your first published piece?Michael: I started writing in grade school, but my first published piece wasn't until 1977. It was an article on world design in a gaming magazine called Supernova.RebelPilot: What's your favorite word processor program?Michael: I use MS Word.RebelPilot: How many computers do you have in your house?Michael: Well, working we have four, and five others which are hopelessly out of date and gathering dust. Just bought an iBook and a G4. (Very Apple family here.)RebelPilot: Is the computer strictly a tool for writing or do you have time for games?Michael: Don't really have time for games. I do play X-wing and Tie Fighter from time to time, but don't log the hours now that I did when writing the X-wing books.RebelPilot: Do you write your drafts first by hand or straight to the computer via keyboard?Michael: Since the tracks of a chicken walking through ink and then strolling across paper looks better than my handwriting, I go to the keyboard for everything.RebelPilot: If you were an actor what part in the Star Wars would you have liked to have played?Michael: You know, I would settle for being a Jedi extra in Ep 2. Other than that, just someone in the background, in costume, even someone in Captain Panaka's squad, or a bountyhunter. It would just be cool to be a part of things and to see a film being made. (Down side would be having to have pictures to send folks who request them.)RebelPilot: Do plot lines or story ideas ever wake you in the night? (Do you wait until morning or write them down straight away?)Michael: Sure, I'll crawl out of bed occasionally to write down an insight. Usually get these flashes of brilliance when out riding my bike or in the shower, which makes it even MORE inconvenient to write them down. Isn't the subconscious mind wonderful?RebelPilot: What's the weirdest request ever asked by a fan?Michael: Problem with answering a question like this is pretty basic: someone will feel it incumbent upon themselves to go one better. I did once have a woman ask me to sign her breast... but she was a friend, I was talking to two other authors at the time, and the stunned looks on their faces was a wonderful payoff for the joke. In all seriousness, folks have been very nice to me, so I've not really had any outrageous requests.RebelPilot: With all the writing you do, do you ever get to read much?Michael: Actually, at my website I have a listing of what books I've been reading since November, 1998, since a lot of folks ask. (www.stormwolf.com) I also read the newspaper, and various magazines. Brill's Content is high on my list, as well as Time.RebelPilot: Your advice to a young aspiring writer who wants to write a licensed Star Wars novel?Michael: Write your own novels first. The publishers and Lucasfilm are not taking novels by first timers. The novelists are chosen on the basis of their previous work. Moreover, you should not write your first novel in someone else's universe. By doing that you don't learn all the things you need to know to write a novel. I know that's not the news folks want to hear, but better they go in with their eyes open, then to lavish time on a book they can never sell.RebelPilot: What electrical appliance has made the occupation of writer a more enjoyable task.Michael: Microwave oven for reheating coffee. (logically it would have to be the phone, without which things would move along at a much slower pace.)RebelPilot: What starfighter would you most like sitting in your garage.Michael: Is there anything aside from an X-wing that is truly worthy of the name starfighter? Nope. Make mine green, black trim, and the custom nerf-hide command couch, and I'm there.RebelPilot: Does George Lucas read any of the Star Wars novels that you, Anderson, Allston et al, write?Michael: I have no clue.RebelPilot: Have you ever considered sending him a copy signed; "Mike Stackpole, thanks George for the opportunity of playing in your imagination"?Michael: Nope. It would be presumptuous.RebelPilot: How do you feel about Aaron Allston's rather jocular interpretation of your characters?Michael: Aaron and I have been buddies for years and I was overjoyed when Bantam told me Aaron was going to pinchhit for me on the X-wing series. I loved his books.RebelPilot: Your plot from I, JEDI weaves in and around Kevin J. Anderson's Jedi Academy trilogy. Was that hard to do? How many times did you have to read Dark Apprentice and Champions Of The Force?Michael: Because I wanted to do a Fredrick Forsythe to Kevin's books, I indexed them. I read them when they came out, then went back, skimmed and did the index. Then, as I was writing IJ, I reread specific scenes and incorporated Corran into them.RebelPilot: All the Star Wars novels have been from a Rebel/New Republic/good guys point of view. Do you ever think there could be an Imperial view point in a novel?Michael: My guess would be no. I did the Imp point of view in the X-wing comics, introducing Baron Fel. As I have said before, the only truly interesting story for an Imperial character (one that grows the character) is the one where he confronts the injustice of the government he's working for and how he deals with the conflict. Otherwise you're really just writing stories about camp guards at Auschwitz. If I wanted to do that, I'd sign on with the Pat Buchanan campaign and write puff pieces about him.RebelPilot: How old were you when Star Wars episode IV came out?Michael: 19 years old. A friend and I took off from work and went to the 11 AM show in Burlington, Vermont. I was hooked.RebelPilot: If YOU were to write Episodes II and III what twists would you introduce keeping in context with the episodes already made?Michael: There's a presumption there that tying everything up neatly and closing all the loops in the universe is good. I don't buy that, since the universe is very big. To be honest, though, Eps 2 & 3 are projects where I've not even thought about what I'd like to see. I'm not driving the bus, I'm just along for the ride with everyone else, and that's fine with me.RebelPilot: What new novels are in the works?Michael: Onslaught and Ruin, NJO books 2 and 3. I also have The Dark Glory War which comes out in March. That's the first of four fantasy novels. More BattleTech as well, and of course, Star Wars: Union, which is midway through the series even now.RebelPilot: Who was it that said: "Everyone wants to be a writer but no one wants to actually write"?Michael: I don't know, but I don't buy it. I love writing.RebelPilot: Thank you Michael for your time.Michael: My pleasure.MICHAEL A. STACKPOLE's website can be found at: www.stormwolf.com Have yourself a visit to find out all of his other literary pursuits.©2000 RebelPilot. Used in TK421 with permission
10 MORE REJECTED "STAR WARS" ACTION FIGURES / PLAYSETS
10. "Battle Damaged" Ewok
9. The "Dysfunctional Family of the Century" 3-Pack: French-kissing Luke & Leia, Leather-Clad Darth w/ Pain 'Droid
8. Ree-Yees' Liquor Cabinet Adventure Set
7. Missile-Firing Boba Fett (Still bitter about that one)
6. Exploding C-3PO (people would have too much fun with it)
5. Death Star Restroom Assault
4. 2-1B At-Home Prosthetic Surgery Kit
3. Effeminate Imperial Officer
2. Horny Xizor in Seduction Gear
1. Luke Skywalker in Slave Girl Outfit
©2000 Beedo Sookcool aka Nigel Willis
Thanks to all the applicants for the positions vacant previously advertised here.
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Over And Out
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Yours In The Full Blown Glory Of The Empire
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All contents ©2000 TK421 unless otherwise stated.
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