TK421 Imperial Ezine - Issue 5

Contents

|-o-| Editorial Comment

|-o-| Humor

|-o-| World Domination

|-o-| More Humor

|-o-| For want of a better name

|-o-| ASCII Art

|-o-| Positions Vacant

|-o-| Even More Humor

|-o-| Positions Vacant - Part II

|-o-| Even More Humor - Part II

|-o-| Art

|-o-| Over And Out

|-o-| Credits

|-o-| Disclaimer

Editorial Comment

A WORD ON THE CONTENTS OF THIS EZINE

The 'rating' of this ezine is for a Mature Audience. There MAY be instances of contributors or writers including adult themes or coarse language. While the editorial team will tone down or outright reject the use or overuse of extreme language we feel in some instances it is best to allow the author to express themselves as they see fit.

An example of what we allow through is contained within this issue;

STAR WARS EUPHEMISMS FOR MASTURBATION and THE TOP 11 THINGS UTTERED BY YODA WHILE MAKING LOVE.

If you are offended by this type of humor then either scroll down the page past those contents or unsubscribe (tk421-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com)

If such language or references to adult themes is off putting but you'd still enjoy a regular dose of Star Wars we recommend subscribing to RebelPilot, a weekly Star Wars ezine (rebelpilot-subscribe@yahoogroups.com) which is tamer but no less entertaining.

It is not our intention to offend but given that some of the humor we've featured have brought BOTH objection and encouragement in emailed responses we realize we are treading a fine line when it comes to peoples tastes and expectations.

If we were inundated with original quality material that's entertaining AND clean we would most definitely run it over stuff sent in that's been found and author unknown.

Humor

TOP 10 DARK SIDE POWERS

10. Ability to get GWAR tickets.

9. Making anything you wear look good.

8. Spouting cool one-liners.

7. Morphing? Palpatine's idea.

6. Understanding tax forms/VCR programming.

5. Sounding like James Earl Jones.

4. Line-of-sight remote strangulation.

3. That bitchin' lightning trick.

2. Instilling fear.

1. Impressing chicks through levitation.

©2000 Beedo Sookcool aka Nigel Willis

World Domination

Plans are underway for a TK421 website. The web designers are developing a suitable graphical interface and the whole TK TEAM is tossing around suggestions for suitable contents.

Any further suggestions can be directed to SJ at fedara1(a)hotmail.com

And if you want your website mentioned in World Domination it's as simple as putting TK421 and it's subscribe address (tk421-subscribe@yahoogroups.com) in the links at your site.

More Humor

REJECTED STAR WARS ACTION FIGURES

Fall Fashion Vader

George Lucas with Money Bag Accessories

Ol' "Scratch-and-Sniff" Ben

Sarlaac-Digested Skiff Guard

Rancor Cage Cleaner

Vibrating Artoo-Detoo

Han's Eviscerated TaunTaun (Luke fits right inside!)

Dressa Me Up Jar-Jar

Expert Marksman Stormtrooper

Electronic Luke with Whining Action

Control Room Stormtrooper (complete with door bump to the head)

Mos Eisley Cantina Vomit-cleaning Droid

Post-apology Captain Needa

Norm Havalot - Mos Eisley Cantina Drunkard

Non-annoying C3PO

Decent haircut Luke Skywalker

Accurate shooting Stormtrooper

Mother of Chewbacca

Land Rights activist Tusken Raider

Mrs Boss Nass

Hair stylin' Maul

Grow-with-me Yoda

Shakespearean-trained Mark Hamill

Mountain-climbing Jabba

Boss Nass lawn sprinkler

Capt. Antilles, with loose bladder

Phallic-nosed Mos Eisley spy

Herb, Amidala's wardrobe electrician, with butt crack

White robed Leia in a cold room (be careful where you point those things)

Obi-Wan with removable padawan braid

Copyright Unknown

Untitled

TK421 is a Star Wars fanzine and will only mention non-Star Wars sites or mailing lists for nothing but the benefit of self.

But a TK421 reader forwarded a snippet to me (a word from a Father of Slain Columbine Student) and seeing as the media ignored it I thought that that made it newsworthy enough to at least paste the email into a html document and link from the zine.

"The media did not report this, so let the nation hear this man's speech. Please send this out to everyone you can -- they are words that should make people at least stop and think, no matter what their beliefs may or may not be."

Check out http://www.geocities.com/imperialemployee/speech.htm

ASCII Art

For the benefit of Craig (TK421 Web Master) who thinks the little TIE ASCII's are cool, we've copied some from the ones frequently seen in RebelPilot, purveyor of one-line-ascii and has readers sending in other Star Wars ASCII of grandiose proportions.

|-o-| TIE Fighter

<-o-> TIE Interceptor

(-o-) Advanced TIE (Vader's choice of starfighter, it's got shields and a hyperdrive)

(-oO-) TIE Bomber

:>o<: X-Wing

:-o-: X-Wing with S-Foils in closed position.

@(-_-)@ Princess Leia

(<>) Front view of Sith Infiltrator

o<I=I> Front view of Millennium Falcon

And have a guess what this is:

@@

YEP, an AT-AT.

From RebelPilot. www.rebelpilot.net

Position Vacant

IMMEDIATE EMPLOYMENT

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn.

Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons.

Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.) Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of August.

Transmit them to jobs@darkside.com

*****************************************************

Dark Side CG ™ is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy.

We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge, management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tatooine, and many large software companies. Dark Side CG™ is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.

Copyright Unknown

Even More Humor

STAR WARS EUPHEMISMS FOR MASTURBATION

Shooting Womprats in Beggars Canyon

Grooming the Wookie

Making the Kessel Run

Polishing Vader's helmet

Evacuating Tatooine

Unleashing the Meatsaber

Releasing the Special Edition

Jumping to Delight speed

Communicating with Red Leader One

Lightsaber practice with Captain Solo

Tinkering with the R2 unit

Manually targeting the Rebel base

Performing the Jedi hand trick

Scratching Yoda behind the ears

Test Firing the Death Star

Copyright Unknown

Position Vacant

PART II (the serious one)

TK421 is looking for regular contributors or if you've got a specific interest within Star Wars (be it short films, toys, stalking the actors); columnists.

Send your stuff to tk421(a)the-galaxy.net

That way we can enjoy the ezine and not be bored to tears reading our own stuff.

Even More Humor

PART II

THE TOP 11 THINGS UTTERED BY YODA WHILE MAKING LOVE

11. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"

10. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."

9. "Feel the force!"

8. "Foreplay, cuddling -- a Jedi craves not these things."

7. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"

6. "Do me or do me not -- there is no try."

5. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"

4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."

3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"

2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"

1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"

Copyright Unknown

Art

Found a most excellent picture; Amidala and Obi-Wan in a manga style. I've posted it at http://www.geocities.com/imperialemployee/amidala007.jpg for public viewing. <COPYRIGHT SORT OF KNOWN>.

If you're a budding artist or have already got an impressive body of work then we'll soon be calling for material to be posted at the official TK421 site.

Over And Out

We'll be back again in two weeks time. Please feel free to inundate us with your own original material whether it's witty or thought provoking.

This issue is relatively lean (7 pages) but you get that when you've got an Empire to run.

Yours In The Full Blown Glory Of The Empire

[Editor: TeeKay tk421(a)the-galaxy.net]

[Assistant Editor: Gonzo]

[Puppet Master: DarkSide darkside(a)cia-agent.com]

[Promotions Officer: SJ Crandall fedara1(a)hotmail.com]

[Promotions Officer: neo(a)rapid.co.uk]

[Web Master: craig craig(a)bscene.com.au]

[Web Designer: Bud rbud85(a)hotmail.com]

Join us by emailing an empty message to tk421-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

To defect (stop getting this ezine) send an empty message to tk421-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

Copyright Disclaimer: Lucasfilm Ltd owns all rights and trademarks to Star Wars™. TK421 is a fan created ezine interested in only parody and news reporting. TK421 is not associated with or controlled by Lucasfilm Ltd or any of it's subsidiaries.

All contents ©2000 TK421 unless otherwise stated.

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