TK421 Imperial Ezine - Issue 7
|-o-| Straight into the Humor|-o-| Short Story|-o-| Spotlight|-o-| Imperial Memo|-o-| More Humor|-o-| Even More Humor|-o-| Website Update|-o-| Over and Out|-o-| Disclaimer
TOP TEN Star Wars-ish Things To Say When Your Parents Make a Surprise Visit To Your House or Dorm10."Exciting is hardly the word I would use." 9."Unexpected and unfortunate this is." 8.Gesture around the room and say to your roommates, "if they don't go for this were gonna have to get out of here pretty quick." 7.Say to them as they come in the door, "You've gotta lot of nerve coming back here...after what you pulled." 6."Hi son/daughter, we just stopped by to see if you would like to JOIN US for lunch..." Reply with, "I'll never join you!" (distort your face) Then throw your self down the nearest shaft.5.Ask them for money. Then if they ask why they must pay ________ (whatever the amount)...Have a friend yell, "because he's holding a thermal detonator!" 4.If they ask why the place is such a mess, reply with, "Your eyes can deceive you...don't trust them."3."I've got a bad feeling about this." 2."Lock the doors...and hope they don't have blasters." 1.If they ask how are you doing in school, say, "When I left you was but the learner now I am the master"
ANOTHER TREKKIE BASHINGApologies in advance to any Trekkies subscribed to TK421. Fact is we don't pull any punches when dishing out to the Rebels so you can hardly expect us to be civil to men in tights, especially in any color other than gray.FADE INSCENE: SpaceThe Enterprise sits stationary in space. The Death Star dwarfs the small vessel.SCENE: Enterprise BridgeSpock: "The object appears to be a man-made construct. It is roughly the size of a small moon. They do have some primitive technology."Kirk: "We should beam over and investigate.Sulu: "What about the prime directive, Captain?"Kirk: "The what?"Sulu (under breath): "Idiot."Kirk: "Ok, all of you bridge crew... except you Uhura... get ready to beam over."Uhuru (under breath): "Chauvinist pig."On the way to the transporter room, Kirk stops off at the RedShirt holding pen and selects one unlucky RedShirt to accompany the bridge crew onto the small metal planetoid.SCENE: Death Star HallwaySix forms materialize. Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Mr. Sulu, Mr. Chekov, Bones and the RedShirt appear, phasers out and ready. Closeup on Redshirt's face reveals beads of sweat on his forehead. Eight Stormtroopers round the corner.ST#1: "There are the intruders. Blast 'em!"All eight Stormtroopers open fire. All eight hit the RedShirt. The Enterprise's bridge crew return fire, obliterating the Stormtroopers.Kirk: "That wasn't so tough. My shirt didn't even get ripped." Bones (kneeling over RedShirt's body): "He's dead, Jim."Kirk: "Who?"Bones: "Ensign... whatsizname? The RedShirt."Kirk: "Oh! Him! Yeah, well... we have more."A doorway at the end of the hall slides open. The ominous form of Darth Vader fills the doorway. He is flanked by two Stormtroopers.Kirk (to crew): "Oh good! Another bad guy!"Kirk (to Vader): "We come in peace!"Kirk (to crew): "Phasers on kill!"The Enterprise's bridge crew open fire, concentrating on Vader. Vader raises his hand and dissipates the energy of the phaser beams.Spock: "Our phasers seem to have no effect on him, Captain."Kirk: "We'll just have to take him out in hand to hand. Use your nerve pinch."Spock advances on Vader, makes it about three feet then turns to Kirk.Spock (strained voice): "Captain, I am experiencing a bizarre lack of oxygen. I believe this entity is..."Spock keels over. Kirk has one of his infamous melodramatic moments, yelling something unintelligible. Kirk charges Vader. There is a brilliant red-white flash visual effect accompanied by a snap-hiss sound effect. Kirk falls down, in two entirely separate directions, then dissolves. His shirt is ripped, but it's too late to save him. Closeup on each of the Enterprise's bridge crew exchanging amazed looks. (Sulu doesn't look entirely displeased.)Sulu (into communicator): "Scotty, beam us up!"Sulu (to no-one in particular): "I've always wanted to say that."The remaining bridge crew dematerialize. Vader kicks Kirks clothes on his way back to the Death Star's command room.SCENE: Enterprise BridgeThe bridge crew race to their positions. Sulu assumes command and sits in the comfy chair.SCENE: Death Star Command RoomGrand Moff Tarkin stands looking thoughtfully at a large display screen. Vader stands nearby.Tarkin (to DS gunnery crew): "You may fire when ready."Gunnery crew members start pulling levers and pushing buttons.SCENE: Enterprise bridgeChekov: "They zeem to be powering up zome zort of energy veapon!"SCENE: Death Star InnardsTwo precariously placed, unlucky DS crew members cower as a brilliant beam of energy streaks past them down a long tunnel.SCENE: Enterprise bridgeSulu (yelling): "SHIELDS!"SCENE: SpaceSeveral small beams of energy fuse into one really big one. The beam strikes the Enterprise. Nifty explosion visual effect.SCENE: DS Command CenterTarkin : "Well that wasn't so tough."Vader: "We lost eight Stormtroopers."Tarkin: "Well, we have more."FADE OUT.Found at: xwing.net Originally written: 01-08-95. Author: unknown (unless it is the owner of xwing.net)
THE TARKIN MANIFESTOTo: His Imperial Majesty, Emperor PalpatineFrom: Governor Tarkin, Seswenna Sector, EriaduRegarding: Increasing the security of the EmpireYour Majesty:It has recently come to my attention that what had previously been the quiet grumbling of malcontents on backwater worlds has become dissidence in more civilized systems. Your Majesty will forgive me if I am repeating foundless rumors, but I have heard there is even armed defiance in some sectors.Coupled with increasing to your plans from hot-headed young senators, this situation has given me pause to think about our long term security arrangements. I myself have been frustrated chasing pirate bands in my sector, only to have them leap deep in a neighboring sector where my forces cannot follow without running into conflict with another Moff. If the scattered armed resistance should become organized, it will doubtless follow the example of it's criminal brethren. Granting any rebel group the advantage of elusiveness is foolhardy at best. At worst, it could lead to our destruction.Even the excellent pace with which His Majesty is increasing the size of the Imperial Fleet can scarcely hope to provide all-encompassing security should a significant number of planets decide to defy your New Order. We are years -- perhaps decades -- away from a force vast enough to secure every system and every world simultaneously.Therefore, I present the following recommendations for your consideration:- To provide a swift, systematic response to rebellion as it appears and before it has time to entrench, I suggest the formation of Oversectors- Sectors consisting of systems in which rebellion is newly born, or systems which maintain frequent contact with systems in chronic unrest. These Oversectors would be formed without regard to current sector boundaries. With the freedom to cross outdated political borders, Oversector forces would be able to respond to threats quickly, while they are still small and manageable.- Liquidating a dozen small threats is easier than rooting out one well-established center of defiance. As an Oversector is created across problem sectors, they must be given a greater quantity of forces than a normal sector. Three Sector Groups should suffice.- Command of an Oversector should be given to a single individual who reports directly to His Majesty. This will bypass any delays caused by political opportunism in your advisors. - Cannibalize existing holonet transceivers, modify them, and put them in the flagship of every Sector Group in an Oversector command. Place similar devices within his Majesty's command ship and within the royal palaces of Imperial City. This will enable forces to respond to threats almost as quickly as they are reported. Imperial forces will be able to coordinate to a degree impossible by the enemy whose fastest means of communication is an ever-changing rendezvous point somewhere in the galaxy. - Rule through the fear of force rather than through force itself. If we use our strength wisely, we shall cow thousand of worlds with the example of a select few. These examples would need to be highly visible worlds, whose punishment would be further revealed through our control of information via the hyper media.- Your Majesty, it has long been my contention that your New Order needs one undeniable and overwhelming symbol to impress and, yes, frighten the masses. The average citizen has no grasp for numbers nor a head for calculation. I maintain that the effectiveness of the Star Destroyer stems from not only it's massive firepower, but from it's size. When citizens look at a Star Destroyer and then compare it to the craft which might be mustered to attack it, they have a tendency to dismiss such a notion as suicidal rather than approach the problem tactically.This natural state can be exploited to a far greater degree, as the average citizen deals in symbols, not rational analysis. If we present the galaxy with a weapon so powerful, so immense as to defy all conceivable opposition against it, a weapon invulnerable and invincible in battle, then that weapon shall become the symbol of the Empire. We need only a handful, perhaps as few as one, of these weapons to subjugate a thousand thousand worlds. It must have force enough to dispatch an entire system, power enough to shatter planets. The fear such a weapon will inspire will be great enough for you to rule the galaxy to unchallenged. What do you need with the Senate when you can give direct control of territories to your hand-picked regional governors? Sweep away the last remnants of the Old Republic and let fear keep the local systems in line -- fear of our ultimate weapon. I am ready to begin work to implement these steps at your word.Governor Tarkin© Copyright currently unknown. We're tracking down the author and will reveal his name next issue.
Top Ten Moments The Emperor Wishes He'd Been There For
10. Snatching up Luke's lightsaber in the Wampa cave
9. Flipping the Tractor Beam back on after Obi-Wan left
8. Shoving Vader right off the Cloud City gantry after Luke
7. Tying Luke's laces together before he leaped out over the Sarlaac
6. Stepping on Luke's fingers while he hung from the Cloud City weather vane
5. Unhooking Luke and Leia's rope in the Death Star core shaft
4. Cranking up the speed on the Trash Compactor
3. Driving the AT-AT that almost stepped on Luke
2. Showing Wicket what a *real* electric shock feels like.
1. "And now, Baby Ewok......You will die!!"
Even More Humor
If I was Tarkin I would have swung by Dagobah on the way to Alderaan to give the Death Star a little warm up. Might not have saved the first Death Star but it sure would have kept the Empire in business a while longer.
Things You'll Never Hear Yoda Say...
Size matters not...hey, what are you laughing at?
Lift THAT ship?! You must be out of your freaking mind!
Get thee your lips off Leia, she's your sister for crying out loud!
Remember all that stuff Obi-Wan taught you? Forget it.
When 900 years old you reach, get as many chicks you will not.
No...there is another. Let's hope as stupid, she is not.
In that cave is only what you take with you. Hey, get that out of your
Does your droid like short little hairy green things?
What the hell am I anyway?
Luke! Get your ass back here before I ram this lightsaber up your butt!
Yeah yeah. Force this!
Anger, fear, merchandising...the Dark Side are they!
I didn't want this job! I wanted Marlon Brando's role in "Apocalypse Now!"
So how did you like the funhouse in the cave, Luke?
Quite frankly, Mr. Skywalker, if Obi-Wan wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled.
Oh, yes, well if you're going could you take this robe to the cleaners for me? I've been wearing it for over 800 years on this stinkhole and it doesn't... Oh, judge me on my smell, will you?
Well it may be spooky, but it saves cost on burial plots and it beats cremation.
Luke, don't ask what the Force can do for you.. But what you can do for the Force.
This list compiled from various articles posted to rec.arts.scifi.star-wars.misc in response to the "Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear Yoda Say" thread. Most were authored by Michael J. Aulfrey and Christopher Wetzler
A word on the upcoming TK421 website...
CRAIG: Lord Vader, this is an unexpected pleasure. We're honored by your presence.
VADER: You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander. I'm here to put you back on schedule.
The commander turns ashen and begins to shake.
CRAIG: I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can.
VADER: Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.
CRAIG: I tell you, the website will be operational as planned.
VADER: The Emperor does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation.
CRAIG: But he asks the impossible. I need more men.
VADER: Then perhaps you can tell him when he arrives.
CRAIG: (aghast) The Emperor's coming here?
VADER: That is correct, Commander. And he is most displeased with your apparent lack of progress.
CRAIG: We shall double our efforts.
VADER: I hope so, Commander, for your sake. The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am.
As you can see we're right into motivation around here. After the current TK421 restructure (which really only consisted of TeeKay resigning his post) we're back in business and craig and Bud are busy redoubling their efforts and tossing together a snappy little website. Any suggestions or offers of prime cyber real estate can go straight to them. their email addresses are listed below.
I've got a heap of emails to sort through since the last issue so no word yet on an editorial department replacement.
Over And Out
Don't forget to send in any original written humor, or parody, or website reviews, or ascii art, or whatever is suitable for publication in this (not so) humble ezine to darkside(a)cia-agent.com
In The Empires Service
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