TK421 Imperial Ezine - Issue 8

Contents

|-o-| Editorial Comment

|-o-| Straight into the Humor

|-o-| Spotlight

|-o-| Song Parody

|-o-| Website Review

|-o-| Parody

|-o-| More humor than you can shake a gaffi stick at

|-o-| Over and Out

|-o-| Disclaimer

Editorial Comment

I took over the reigns of tk421(a)the-galaxy.net when TeeKay resigned his post and I'm getting mail there AND through darkside(a)cia-agent.com

I've redirected darkside(a)cia-agent.com to tk421(a)the-galaxy.net

So:

1) Send only to one OR the other.

2) Even though the reply address on this email says tk421-owner@yahoogroups.com don't use it. It sends it to both darkside(a)cia-agent.com to tk421(a)the-galaxy.net and in the odd case of people trying to make sure they get to me they're sending it to tk421-owner@yahoogroups.com, darkside(a)cia-agent.com and tk421(a)the-galaxy.net which results in FOUR messages.

3) Don't be surprised if you correspond with me it comes from either darkside(a)cia-agent.com or tk421(a)the-galaxy.net. They're both me now, and I'll usually sign off at the end of the message as DarkSide.

Some people have been confused. Not in the least of all, me.

To cut the long story short; send all correspondence and feedback and submissions to darkside(a)cia-agent.com

And I'll get back in due course.

Please note: None of these email addresses work anymore. Use the contact link on this page.

Humor

TOP TEN THINGS *NEVER* TO SAY TO DARTH VADER

1. "Is that your final answer?"

2. "Is that a laptop in your pocket or are you happy to see me?"

3. "Force, Schmorce...you don't scare me, you overgrown tincan!"

4. "Where do you hide your cigarette lighter in that outfit?"

5. "Oh yeah, you and what army is gonna stop us?"

6. "C'mon, the Emperor's just an old geezer, right?"

7. "Take off the cape, you idiot, you look like a bad Zorro!"

8. "Did you know the stormtroopers are taking bets on how long it takes to polish your helmet?"

9. "So, how long before the Rebels kick your butt...again?"

10."So this is Death Star...what a hunk of junk! What moron came up with this one?"

©2000 Flynn

Song Parody

ONLY SITH LORDS HAVE FUN

To the tune of 'Only the Good Die Young' by Billy Joel.

Rewritten by Paul "Star Wars Junkie"

Come on Obi-Wan, don't make me wait

You started training me way too late

But Darth Sidious, he just told me to hate

Too think that I was the one....

When he told me to hate, I started to stray

When you found out, it was already too late

But I wasn't told it was you I'd betray

My dark side journey's begun

Only Sith Lords have fun

You might have thought that the Council wouldn't allow

Well, Qui-Gon died and he made you vow

That even then, you'd train me somehow

Well, you can't train anyone...

Let's go Kenobi, I wanna fight

I'll show you that the dark can beat the light

You beat me even with all of my might

Heck with you, Obi-Wan

'Cause only Sith Lords Have fun

You took Leia to Alderaan and my son Luke to Tatooine

You knew Luke would have a role

It had been foretold

But old Ben, you're gonna give Luke my lightsaber when he's eighteen

You knew Luke would be key

When you were gonna save the galaxy

When I met Luke I felt the Force eminate

I fought him and said the dark side awaits

I'd thought he would turn but he chose to retalate

Wanted to turn my son

'Cause only Sith Lords Have fun

Well, my son Luke knew he could turn me back because the good in me he had seen

He had tried to save me

He succeeded, and of course I was free

sent in by SWWAYN6411

Spotlight

A LETTER FROM MAUL

TO: Fer'Bona Incom

CEO, Lightsabers 'R' Us Incorporated

FROM: D. Maul

Coruscant General Hospital

Dear Sir:

Thanks muchly for allowing me to try out the prototype for your new DuelBlade 2000™ doublebladed lightsaber. While the advanced technology you provide is certainly exciting, the design flaws involved cost me and my Master our revenge against the long-hated Jedi and I myself am writing this from inside two separate Bacta tanks.

This DuelBlade™ is completely unusable and hazardous to the owner's health for the following reasons:

1.THE RADIATION SHIELDING IS INADEQUATE. I am aware that your physicians have run repeated tests that show that the DuelBlade's™ shielding is up to UL standards, but I find it extremely suspicious that shortly after I began using it my eyes turned yellow. And then my teeth started to fall out. My doctor says this isn't normal, and also states that your assertion that the hooded robes I wear "frequently cause scalp irritations that sometimes develop into little yellow horns" is not a statement that would stand up in court.

2.THE BLADE DESIGN IS ONLY CONDUCTIVE TO FIGHTING JEDI KNIGHTS. While the DuelBlade's™ patent-pending doubleblade configuration is definitely unique, only Jedi seem dumb enough to swing at the saber blades out on the end. Everyone else I fought with just aimed at the handle, which is three feet wide, located smack in the center of my body, and has my hands on it — at one training stage I was going through three or four artificial hands a week. (And three or four training partners — we Sith have to keep that veil of secrecy, y'know.) I'm not quite sure why only Jedi are inclined to actually go for the blades, but then again, these are the same Jedi I kicked in the face three or four times and they never seemed to catch on to STAY AWAY FROM THE FEET. They're noble, but they're not too bright.

3.THE ACTIVATION BUTTONS ARE POORLY PLACED AND THERE IS A HIGH LEARNING CURVE. When I finally graduate from my "Advanced Enemy Asphyxiation 101" Sith class next week, I'm going to strangle everyone in your R&D department for coming up with this one. Who the heck decided that having big off-and-on buttons on a handle you're supposed to twirl around with both hands was a good idea? Every time I twirled, I hit a button by mistake and shut it off. Do you realize how embarrassing it is to pull off a really cool baton-style twist and end up with a deactivated saber? All of the other Sith were laughing at me. Well, the other Sith, anyway.

Don't get me wrong...I appreciate that your design department put in special lock switches for me — but they didn't hold that well. During my last fight, I had it locked down. I had this little dweeb of an apprentice with a really bad ponytail trapped down a well and sure enough, just like I thought, he used the Force to leap out of the pit and slice me in half — and when I went to swing, the on-switch lock failed and I was left standing there saberless! Do you realize how dangerous this is? I could have been killed!

As it was, he sliced me in two, but that leads me to the "high learning curve" aspect of this discussion — normally a bisectional cut through the abdomen would be fatal, but fortunately I'd accidentally sliced myself in half so often trying to use this thing that my lower intestine had been replaced with a rubber tube from a '47 landspeeder and I just glued myself back together. I'm more machine than man, now. Darth Sidious has told me that as a result of my failure, he's thinking about replacing me with some young kid — a kid who'll be all human, not just a bunch of cybernetic parts. Man, I hope I can make the grade.

Yours truly,

D. Maul

Sith Apprentice-In-Training

©1999 The Ferrett.

Website Review

TALES OF THE EMPIRE

I don't know how long this site has been around but I just found it. And other than the fact that the fanzine is PRINTED and only available via mail order the site still has a lot to offer despite there being very little fan fiction to read.

Imperial Profiles is the best collection of bios I've seen since the rebel pilots roster at rebelpilots.com. In fact, Imperial Profiles goes into a little more detail.

http://www.talesoftheempire.co.uk/Fiction.html has some tasty morsels of fan fic for those that have an appetite for it.

http://www.talesoftheempire.co.uk/Profiles.html gives you bios of the Empire's finest.

There's all that and a *lot* more when you check it out at http://www.talesoftheempire.co.uk

Parody

And while on the topic of profiles and character biographies rebelpilot.com (*not* rebelpilots.com) has a different spin on the man behind Darth Maul.

Would you believe it but the man behind Darth Maul is Darth Maul!?

With the use of Lego and a Digital Camera the author of featured script brings you up to speed on the biography of Mr Maul prior to his breakthrough part in Episode I.

www.rebelpilot.com

More humor

We're pulling out the stops and going all out in bringing you a fine collection of humor like you've NEVER seen before. TK421 takes no responsibility if you wet your pants from laughing out loud and any of the following humor.

(ASCII renderings by RebelPilot.)

TOP 10 STORMTROOPER COMPLAINTS / PEEVES

10. Blast doors don't always open all the way.

9. Sometimes I feel like just another number.

8. The brainiac who thought of white armor should try suiting up and hiding in a forest himself sometime!

7. The pension plan stinks -- if you live that long.

6. Can't see a thing in that helmet.

5. Vindictive captain always puts me on Dianoga detail.

4. "Armor forms an anti-blaster cocoon" my ass!

3. Cheap-ass rifles are way off calibration. I keep missing my targets.

2. Every time I meet a nice girl, she shoots at me.

1. I personally toasted several rebels on the Tantive IV, and I still got less recognition than that guy who just said, "Look, sir,

'droids!"

©2000 Beedo Sookcool aka Nigel Willis

We'll have to destroy them ship to ship

\

(-o-) = = = = = = = :>o<:

TOP 10 TIE FIGHTER PILOT COMPLAINTS / PEEVES

10. Haven't got a thin credit from those action-figure guys.

9. Asteroids....ugh!

8. The Empire's too cheap to spring for life-support and ejector seats.

7. A-Wings are too dang fast. When do we get cool new ships?

6. Limited viewports = reduced field of vision.

5. No CD players, just AM radio.

4. We're not allowed to do risqué nose-art on our fighters.

3. The last guy to use the fighter didn't refill the ionization chamber.

2. The last guy's gum is also stuck under the control yoke.

1. Dammit, when do we get shields and hyperdrive?!

©2000 Beedo Sookcool aka Nigel Willis

Stay in attack formation!

\

(-o-) = = = = = = = :>o<:

TOP 10 IMPERIAL GUNNER COMPLAINTS / PEEVES

10. Other divisions get cool armor. We get radiation-proof leisure suits.

9. Targeting sensors only register organics, not 'droids. (Lt. Hija only)

8. Death Star snack machines are always out of Twix Bars.

7. Even the mouse 'droids laugh at our helmets.

6. Getting the turret by the thermal exhaust ports sucks.

5. Helmet 'com occasionally picks up the country station.

4. Teeny visor cuts down visibility.

3. The Stormtroopers hog the "Lethal Enforcers" machine in the Executor's arcade.

2. Those blasted rebel pilots.

1. The heat from the Turbo- and Super-Lasers have singed all the hair off my body. I mean *all* of it.

©2000 Beedo Sookcool aka Nigel Willis

I'm on the leader.

\

(-o-) = = = = = = = :>o<:

TOP 10 IMPERIAL OFFICER COMPLAINTS / PEEVES

10. Stormtroopers put "Blast Me!" signs on my back when I'm not looking.

9. The constant backstabbing inherent in the job.

8. Insurance doesn't cover Wookiee attacks.

7. They haven't made a good action figure of me yet.

6. Admiral Motti's constant bitching.

5. I don't look good in jodhpurs.

4. Captain Pellaeon always leaves the bathroom in such a mess.

3. Bounty hunters dis me on principle.

2. High probability of strangulation.

1. Rebel scum.

©2000 Beedo Sookcool aka Nigel Willis

The Force is strong with this one!

\

(-o-) = = = = = = = :>o<:

TOP 10 SNOWTROOPER COMPLAINTS / PEEVES

10. Just as I get all suited up, I have to go to the bathroom.

9. We usually get shot at before we even finish setting up the E-Web cannon.

8. Our cool side stays cool -- but so does our hot side!

7. The "temperature-controlled body-glove" ain't comfort-rated to fifty below.

6. The Biker Scouts laugh at our moon boots.

5. Other divisions get breath-masks. We get yashmaks.

4. Those dang skirts look silly on us!

3. Chafing.

2. Of all the crappiest outfits, we look like the spacefaring KKK!

1. Wampas in heat.

©2000 Beedo Sookcool aka Nigel Willis

I have you now!

\

(-o-) = = = = = = = :>o<:

TOP 10 SANDTROOPER COMPLAINTS / PEEVES

10. Lesson One: Never stand behind the Dewbacks.

9. Ever spend a hot day in close-fitting armor? It don't smell pretty.

8. And what is it with the armor? Why not a nice, lightweight, poly-cotton blend?

7. Those dang backpacks full of salted pretzels, bantha jerky, and cashews are just more needless weight.

6. That sand gets everywhere!

5. Would it bankrupt the Empire to give us an auxilliary supply tank

of chilled lemonade now and then?

4. Forget the polarized lenses with macrobinocular multi-vision. Just give us some Ray-Bans, for Pete's sake!

3. Those sissified shoulder-pads were designed by the Emperor's notoriously single cousin, Brucie, weren't they?

2. If the Snowtroopers think Tauntauns smell bad, they should smell a Jawa.

1. We always get sent to remote deserts, never nudist beaches.

©2000 Beedo Sookcool aka Nigel Willis

Over And Out

Looks like we've doubled our efforts this issue. So much humor that you'll need a change of uniform from wetting yourself.

See you again in two weeks time when we try to outdo ourselves. Which, according to the Star Wars trilogy, isn't a hard thing to do.

In The Empires Service

(-o-) Editor: DarkSide darkside(a)cia-agent.com

<-o-> Promotions Officer: SJ Crandall tk421(a)publicist.com

<-o-> Promotions Officer: Nist neo(a)rapid.co.uk

|-o-| Web Master: craig craig(a)bscene.com.au

|-o-| Web Designer: Bud rbud85(a)hotmail.com

JOIN US by emailing an empty message to tk421-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

TO DEFECT (stop getting this ezine) send an empty message to tk421-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

Copyright Disclaimer: Lucasfilm Ltd owns all rights and trademarks to Star Wars™. TK421 is a fan created ezine interested in only parody and news reporting. TK421 is not associated with or controlled by Lucasfilm Ltd or any of it's subsidiaries.

All contents ©2000 TK421 unless otherwise stated.

More by this Author


Reader Feedback

No comments yet.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working