TK421 Imperial Ezine - Issue 9

Humor

TOP TEN PET PEEVES OF BOBA FETT

10. Listening to Vader's "When I was a Jedi Knight" Stories.

9. Knowing the other Bounty Hunters have been calling the SlaveI a flying clothes Iron.

8. Jabba wants him as his "Special Friend".

7. People keep on walking up to him and saying "Aren't you that Jodo Kast guy?"

6. Being stuck with a princess in slave clothes in your own room and then spending the night talking about how Han Solo deserves to die and what not.

5. Being reminded that he screamed like a frightened jawa when he flew into the Sarlacc.

4. Mandalorian Combat Armor.....Tatooine....... Nuff said.

3. All of his best paying employers have been blown to hell.

2. Not enough female Bounty hunters.

1. Knowing that Han Solo hit his jet pack by mistake, sending him screaming like a frightened jawa into the Sarlacc.

©2000 Michelle de Kitty

Readers Comment

I work part-time at this video store and this guy comes in recently and says, "I'd like to hire out Episode Eye".

I say "WHAT?"

"Episode Eye," he says.

I'm at a loss to serve his request. "How old is this movie?"

"Oh it's brand new, it's just come out on video. It's part of that Star Wars series."

I actually fall to the ground laughing and pick myself up and grab a returned copy of The Phantom Menace. "This is what you're after, Episode I."

"Episode One?" he replies indignantly, "It says right here 'I'!"

©2000 Jorge Lukas. Somewhere in Australia

World Domination

TK421 has got itself a mention in another website. Relatively new but quick to endorse the worth of our not so humble ezine:

http://www.rebellionvsempire.cjb.net

And brand spanking new Star Wars website http://rebelpilot.sweeetnet.com has us in the links.

Humor

YOU MIGHT BE A STAR WARS ADDICT IF...

You can recite all the dialogue from the trilogy.

You watch the entire trilogy at least once a month.

You wonder why the SW theme never makes it into those classical collections.

Your internet handle or signature refers to Star Wars

You think the babblings of Yoda are relevant and useful to everyday life.

You have a pet or child named after one of the characters.

A Star Wars *.wav file plays on your computer whenever you start a Windows application.

Any time you pick up a walkie-talkie or two-way radio, the first thing you say is "TK-421, why aren't you at your post?"

Whenever you went anywhere outside with your friends, you always walked single file, to hide your numbers.

You've written several letters to the President recommending that he dissolve the council, put power in the hands of the regional governors, and let fear keep the local systems in line.

In college, after several hours of poker, you got thrown our of the game for suggesting; "How about some sabacc?"

Whenever your mother asked you to babysit your little brother, you always instilled confidence by replying: "Leave him to me. I will deal with him myself!"

When trying unsuccessfully to snare that last Cheerio floating in your cereal bowl, you remarked: "the Force is strong with this one."

Or, while looking for a matching sock in your drawer, you mutter to yourself: "Lock on to the strongest power source, it SHOULD be the power generator!"

On Halloween, you would never dress as one of the following: Luke, Han Solo, Leia, Vader, Chewie, Threepio, Artoo.

However, you would dress as: Wedge, Porkins, Crix Madine, that spider droid from Jabba's palace, that fat dancer from Jabba's palace, Sy Snootles, the Cantina bartender, the monster in the trash compactor, Boba Fett or an Imperial probe droid.

You've told the mall Christmas elf: "You will take me to Santa NOW!"

And follow up with: "You serve your master well!"

You sat on Santa's lap and petitioned for the release of Captain Solo.

He informed you your Jedi mind tricks wouldn't work on him.

You gave him one last chance.

You told him it would be the last mistake he ever made.

It wasn't. You didn't get Captain Solo for Christmas.

You've been pulled over by a policeman and when asked to see your drivers license you replied: "You don't need to see my identification."

And when he asks about your two friends in the back: "They're for sale, if you want them."

You have physically threatened anyone who referred to "Hans Solo" or "Dark Vader", confused Star Wars with Star Trek, or spelled Wookiee with only one "e."

You have held up an onion ring and said: "Look sir...droids!"

You've referred to Wedge Antilles or Boba Fett as "The Man."

You've bought a white Isuzu Trooper, strictly because of the name.

While sitting on the couch with your girlfriend, she comments about being cold. So, naturally, you slice open the side of the cushion and stuff her in.

When you insist on telling the cashier you're a collector when getting your weekly hit of Star Wars toys.

You bought kids meals at Taco Bell just to get all of the toys.

You insist on spelling Pizza Hut "Pizza Hutt."

You bought a pizza from Pizza Hutt to get the coloring box but decided to leave the pizza intact in the box because it might be worth something someday.

You met your girl/boyfriend through Star Wars.

You dropped your religion and now live the way Yoda taught you.

You recorded all the new Star Wars commercials.

You think any of these are funny.

You still laugh at all the subtle humor in the trilogy.

© Author Unknown. More 'Star Wars Addict' humor next issue

Spotlight

STORMTROOPER FACTS

ORIGIN

The creation of an Imperial Stormtrooper. A cloned man is one of a group of genetically identical humans, an assembly-line product. He is a thinking man, but he serves a specific purpose and no other. A clone has no mother; only his trainers, and he accepts his fate because he believes it is inevitable. A clone is, physically and emotionally, a normal man. He simply has no human rights and no name. He is the property of the Emperor. Soldiers fully formed in the growth tanks quickly proved impractical. Scientists found themselves the befuddled fathers of one hundred sixty pound blubbering idiots. A fetus is now removed from the hatchery after a gestation period of sixty weeks and is delivered immediately into the hands of its trainers.

TRAINING

As kids, Stormtroopers live like hardened cell block inmates only barely under control. Hundreds of nasty little orphans with only one thing on their minds: the sheer unparalleled joy of a good raid. These boys know that they are special and they strut with the proud arrogance of samurai. Their military education is picked up as naturally as an infant learns to talk, and any purpose other than their preordained future as commandos is inconceivable. By the time they are actually contracted into service, each Trooper is anxious to fulfill his common lifelong ambition; to wear the Imperial armor, and to be carried away with the Star Fleet into incredible adventure and battle. Trainees are generally devoid of imagination, but after years of rough talk and stories of conflicts lost and won, individual temperaments emerge.

An introduction of the TIM armored spacesuit: a white eggshell worn like a second skin and made of super lightweight Impervium. Many troopers become so attached and dependent on the suits that they fear to remove them. A black, two piece body temperature control glove is worn under the armor and is adjustable for comfort. Eighteen pieces of armor, which include the battery box and control devices, snap together to form an effective anti-laser cocoon. Indirect hits are reflected off the surface of the armor, though it provides little protection against a well-aimed piercing blast. During the off-duty hours, only the body glove is worn. Each trooper is issued two body gloves, one set of armor and spare parts. His helmet features automatic polarized lenses and voice-activated transceiver. Belts include specialized survival equipment concentrated ration, emergency batteries, and a Comlink. Additional equipment is issued for desert and arctic use. Impervium resist decay so effectively that early models of the spacesuit can still be found near century-old battle sites. They bring high prices as souvenirs and privateers rebuild them for another fifty years of good use.

PROMOTION

Promotion to Squad Leader comes with battle experience and long months of straight duty. Just staying alive long enough helps, most old Troopers are Squad Leaders . Real promotion, however, is a step up to the Imperial Guards. Each guard is assigned to an Executive of the Imperium. Governor Moff Tarkin's personal guard....forty men. Lord Darth Vader's personal guard...twelve men. Snappy uniforms and light duty. A guard travels with his assignment, usually to the plushest environments. There are hazards. The personal ambitions of the leader one is assigned to protect may give rise to litle-publicized but very lethal feuds. The size of a titled officer's private army is a factor in realizing his political goals, and Imperial Guards often find themselves in the role of hit men. It is a satisfying position. A Guard never feels he is playing the traitor by assassinating rival Imperial Officers. Troopers have always been taught that the enemy are worthless insects to stomped out; but a guard who has successfully overcome or defended against other Imperial Guards feels that he has defeated an opponent worthy of the effort. A healthy spirit of competition exists in their ranks. No one is exactly sure what qualities make a clone worthy of promotion - a special alertness perhaps - but they are much envied. Imperial Guards are allowed liquor and women.

RETIREMENT

Only a small percentage of Troopers survive to retirement age. As they get older, they are assigned to light duties; training, communications, stores. Eventually they are sent to the Troopers' Rest camp on the holiday planet of Sochi. There are tales of Troopers who, captured by enemies or wounded and abandoned by their companions, now live and breathe outside the influence of the Empire. They have names. Without their armor, they are almost indistinguishable from the general population. Of course, such cases are rare. Officially they do not exist. For the most part however, Imperial Stormtroopers remain loyal 'lifers' dedicated to the preposition that the only good alien is a dead one.

©1981 Lucasfilm Ltd. 'World of Star Wars : A Compendium Of Fact And Fantasy From Star Wars And The Empire Strikes Back.'

More Humor

REASONS WHY VADER IS SO COOL

He doesn't play favorites. Whether he's crushing the rebel alliance, bringing an entire Jedi order to extinction or choking imperial officers his only aim is to do the will of his master.

23 years on and he's still king of the bad guy pile. Not even a strong showing from his Darth predecessor Maul can knock him off his perch.

An important part of getting dressed up as Vader is having the sinister black mask. To get dressed up as Maul you need to shave your head and tattoo your face.

The records show Maul is responsible for one death, Vader has had his hand in BILLIONS.

©2000 DarkSide. Darth Maul IS cool. It's just that Vader is COOLER.

Website Review

REBELPILOT

There's at least three Rebel Pilot websites floating around cyberspace. There's www.rebelpilots.com, which is dedicated to (believe it or not) rebel pilots of the Alliance and New Republic.

Every movie and novel character ever to sit behind the controls of a Starfighter in an attempt to overthrow the almighty Empire is listed at the site as well as a bio on each.

The Fan Art section is also included in the rebel pilot theme with copious amounts of orange for the flight suits that look so unfashionable. Give me the TIE Pilot black any day.

http://www.rebelpilot.com (without the 's') is a very simple site with nothing but captioned photos of one mans Star Wars Micro Machine collection. Completely irreverent, the author/artist/owner has even gone as far as noting that he seeing as he bought the toys they are is and George Lucas can hardly stop him from doing so, beside he hasn't mentioned the name Star Wars anywhere (oops).

http://www.geocities.com/wraithfivexwing is the site for the ezine RebelPilot. It proclaims itself a temporary site with an impending move to rebelpilot.sweeetnet.com

The site has only been going for a couple of months and updates regularly to include stuff that doesn't fit into the emailed ezine as well as images that the ezine no longer attaches to the emails.

There's humor, ASCII art, digitally manipulated images pictures from the movies as well as an artists impression of a suitable replacement for Darth Maul; a freaky looking guy with glowing eyes and no mouth. You can send in names for the evil looking sith-like character and your suggestions get posted on the site.

[STOP THE. . . PRESSES? RebelPilot is now at http://rebelpilot.sweeetnet.com but check out http://www.geocities.com/wraithfivexwing just for special "we've moved" message and graphic]

Special Promotion

I'd like to open up TK421 a little bit and give a chance for aspiring editors and would-be writers to demonstrate their abilities.

TK421 comes out once a fortnight and I'd like to put out a somewhat stripped back issue every other week.

The deal is this; slap together your own issue of TK421.

Use the exact same layout (eg: the column titles written in the border like I've done with 'SPECIAL PROMOTION').

Have a mix of humor, news and reviews. Go easy on the serious stuff unless you want to spice it up with some wit. And we want a lot of fresh humor.

Be sure to have copyright and authorship details with each piece. Even if you wrote it yourself. If it's unknown then it's gotta say © Author Unknown

You could very well write a review on your own site. We're not particularly worried if you do. Just so long as it's based on truth and no gross exaggerations. And write it in the third person, that way it won't be so obvious :)

Make the whole thing around 6 to 7 pages and send it into me at darkside(a)cia-agent.com as if it was going straight to the group. So minimize spelling mistakes and present it as a finished product.

You might even want to work with a few friends on it. You can all get credit, if you've created or collated the material. You, the Guest Editor, will put your name at the bottom of the ezine along with the rest of the TK Team. eg:

In The Empires Service

(-o-) Guest Editor: YOUR NAME HERE

(-o-) Guest Associate Editor: YOUR NAME HERE

(-o-) Guest Assistant Editor: YOUR NAME HERE

(-o-) Guest Assistant Who Made The Coffees: YOUR NAME HERE

(-o-) Editor In Chief: DarkSide darkside(a)cia-agent.com

<-o-> Promotions Officer: SJ Crandall tk421(a)publicist.com

<-o-> Promotions Officer: Nist neo(a)rapid.co.uk

|-o-| Web Master: craig craig(a)bscene.com.au

|-o-| Web Designer: Bud rbud85(a)hotmail.com

This special promotion (and the chance for infamy) will run for as long as I get responses to this announcement.

Have a go. I've given a decent enough guideline, just run amok within those boundaries. But any further questions can come directly to me at darkside(a)cia-agent.com

(* Send the final draft to me (DarkSide darkside(a)cia-agent.com), if it's posted straight to the group it will be bounced as you won't have the clearance to do so.)

(* This is only open to TK421 readers. Editors of current Star Wars ezines need not apply.)

"It seems you've got the talent, it remains to be seen if you've got the guts."

Even More Humor

THE TOP TEN FAQ'S ABOUT STAR WARS... ANSWERED!

Q1) What does the Emperor wear under those black robes of his?

A) Nothing! One can plan their strategy to rule the known galaxy far more effectively when they're free-balling.

Q2) How does Darth Vader go to the toilet?

A) Think about it! He uses the Force!

Q3) Why don't TIE fighters have shields?

A) The simple fact is that with shields they would cost too much to insure. Even in the midst of a galactic civil war those bastardly insurance companies are the common enemy. And as for the Alliance, well, they are rebels. ( BA DOOM CHHH ! )

Q4) Just what the hell were they harvesting on Luke's farm?

A) Easy. Sand.

Q5) Why do Star Destroyers have a tapered shape? Aerodynamics aren't a factor in a friction-less vacuum.

A) The reasons why Star Destroyers are shaped with a pointy end is so that the highly trained Imperial captain knows which end goes first.

Q6) Why doesn't anyone ever fart?

A) Advanced technologies have lead to a virtually costless readily available chemical designed to deal with such bodily eruptions. If stomach pains persist, please consult your local 21B.

Q7) Why don't we ever get a clear look at Boba Fett's face?

A) Ummmm, we do, it's just that his helmet is in the way .........

Q8) Why does Obi-Wan only wear brown?

A) Well, when you've been hiding out in the Jundland Wastes for a while, you don't have that many chances to drop into a fashion boutique and update your wardrobe. Who knows, maybe back during the Clone Wars it was cool to get around in four different shades of shit.

Q9) Why do TIE fighters, and every other ship for that matter make noises in outer space? I didn't think sound travelled in a vacuum?

A) Everything you know is wrong.

©2000 David Brotherson

Lots More Humor

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI KNIGHT IF...

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You use your lightsaber to open a non-twist-off bottle of Bud.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

You use your lightsaber to pick your teeth.

At least one section of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

A peaceful meditation is one without gas.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

Your master/mentor ever said "Hey, pull my finger..."

Your X-wing is up on blocks in your front yard.

You lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You use your lightsaber to clean fish.

You use your R-2 unit's self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.

You have a stuffed womp rat over your fireplace.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.

More than half the droids you own don't function.

The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.

You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.

You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot while on vacation on Hoth.

Your moonshine is really made on the moon.

You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.

Sandpeople back down from your mama.

You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.

You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.

You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.

A Wookiee has told you that you need to shave.

You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while lighting a cigarette with your lightsaber.

You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.

You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.

You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.

You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.

The Rancor refused to eat you.

You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father, who also happens to be your brother...

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

Over And Out

Check out the temporary TK421 site at http://www.geocities.com/imperialemployee

We've got ourselves a couple of animated TK421 banners. Of particular interest is the South Park style one.

We can get plenty more where that came from. Suggestions for names (eg: Park Wars and Star Park are taken) can be sent straight to the editor.

In The Empires Service

(-o-) Editor: DarkSide darkside(a)cia-agent.com

<-o-> Promotions Officer: SJ Crandall tk421(a)publicist.com

<-o-> Promotions Officer: Nist neo(a)rapid.co.uk

|-o-| Web Master: craig craig(a)bscene.com.au

|-o-| Web Designer: Bud rbud85(a)hotmail.com

JOIN US by emailing an empty message to tk421-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

TO DEFECT (stop getting this ezine) send an empty message to tk421-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

Copyright Disclaimer: Lucasfilm Ltd owns all rights and trademarks to Star Wars™. TK421 is a fan created ezine interested in only parody and news reporting. TK421 is not associated with or controlled by Lucasfilm Ltd or any of it's subsidiaries.

All contents ©2000 TK421 unless otherwise stated.

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Reader Feedback 1 comment

mike h. 7 years ago

Sandsuit camoflage Stormtrooper hi on the starwars movies i believe that they should of had a sand camoflaged stormtrooper suit in the sand parts planets/deserts . a more stream lined slender armor suit shaped like a jacket with flayed out at the bottom ends of the jacket with sand camouflage textured in a white tan,black color sceme alternating pattern. but with regular helmut ,pants with textured camouflage

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