Movie Spoiler - The Whole Nine Yards

The Whole Nine 9 Yards

Portraying another 'ex'-character, Bruce Willis acts up as ex-contract killer Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski in The Whole Nine Yards. Oddly enough, this film is set in Canada. One might expect "The Whole Nine Meters" as a more appropriate title. There are also other people in the film, most of whom are trying to kill Bruce or biding their time until he decides their number is up. It's a cute story, assuming you prefer cartoon violence inflicted on humans along with more plot holes than Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Loving husband and wife Nicholas and Sophie Oseransky learn they live next door to reformed serial killer Tudeski. Nicholas is played by some guy from the Friends TV series (you get the feeling that the producers picked him so if the movie stunk he could still go on Good Morning America and answer questions about the real David Schwimmer) and some lady from the hit TV show Shirley (no lie. Look it up.)

Exactly how loving this couple isn't becomes clear when Ms. Oseransky hires an aspiring contract killer (not Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski; please try to keep up) to off her husband. Evidently contract killing is quite the growth industry in this part of Canada. Contract killer #2 masquerades as Dr. Oseransky's dental assistant and is played by Amanda Peet. The girl has extraordinary range.

As the movie progresses we are introduced to numerous characters who will soon be dead. Some of them exchange dialog with each other.

Soon enough, Nicholas Oseransky falls in love with the ex-wife of Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski. They experience a whirlwind courtship involving dental mutilation, double-crosses, cold-blooded murder, and several trips across the border into Chicago. Contract killers and their entourages enjoy extemporaneous travel and have no problems sashaying to-and-fro between sovereign nations.

Exactly zero legal authorities have any inkling what's going on beneath their noses. The plot unfolds like bad Japanese origami but no police officer seems to have a clue. Sure, someone in authority finds the gasoline soaked car containing the strategically placed pre-dead bodies, but it was burning like a tiki torch in an oil refinery; Chief Clancy Wiggum could have found it.

Chief Clancy Wiggum may have even noticed the organized crime bosses flying hither and yon in their private jets to meet with smirking ex-contract killers. Instead, one hapless detective, played by Harland Williams, dies a horrible death at the hands of contract killer #1, Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski.

Love wins out; the happy couples run off together with millions of dollars. Don't look back at the trail of burnt dead bodies. Fret not over the hordes of Canadians who no longer have dental care due to the new career path selected by Dr. Nicholas Oseransky.

Instead of working to unravel this chain of murders and dental injustices, just sit back and enjoy the ride. Don't become too attached to any characters. Better yet, watch the last five minutes of the film first in order to learn who's left standing when the bullets stop flying.

Check out Kevin Pollak as the Main Bad Guy. He dies. While alive, he turns in an amusing performance as a crime family papa with a speech impediment. In the sequel (The Whole Ten Yards, get it?) he plays his father. That's not creepy.

Killing each other keeps the characters busy, but what else is there to do in suburban Canada? Ninety-eight minutes of watching people watch hockey wouldn't make for much of a movie, although the hockey would include less senseless violence.

Movie Spoiler - The Whole Nine Yards

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Tom Whitworth profile image

Tom Whitworth 6 years ago from Moundsville, WV

Nothing spoils a movie particularly an American football movie like filming it in Canada. I don't mind Canadian football,but what about the movie! It's totally disgraceful to make an American football movie in Canada(buy American):D


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Tom Whitworth: I wholeheartedly agree... how silly is it to only get three downs? If God intended us to play only three downs He would have given us only three fingers.

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